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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take my DD out of school for a wedding?

73 replies

WeddingOfHis · 03/03/2023 18:36

3 tier system where we are so as of September DD will be in Year 5 at middle school.

My brother gets married in the 2nd week of September on a weekday, so my DD will have been in school at most 5 days when they get married.

DD has some SN and absolutely hates school. Any reason to not go she’ll jump at it. She is already having transition to Middle School due to her SN (we know where she’s going due to EHCP) and is hating it. I have enough trouble getting her to school as it is, a day off so soon into starting will not only upset the new routine but could easily set in her mind that she doesn’t have to go.

My brothers insisting that he’ll pay any fines for her not going and asking me to discuss it with her current school and the Middle School. He thinks “just one day off” will be fine.

It’s in the middle of the day so no way round taking her out for half a day or anything.

AIBU to refuse to take my DD out of school for the wedding?

OP posts:
SophieJo · 03/03/2023 19:09

I wouldn’t take her out of school for the reasons you’ve discussed.

MajorCarolDanvers · 03/03/2023 19:10

It's your brothers wedding FGS

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2023 19:12

If he really wanted you there he wouldn’t have picked midweek in term time. All my siblings have been married, no one picked a date without checking the others could make it. It’s the most basic civility if you want close family there.

It’s not like they’re doing it with days notice, it’s not for ages.

I’m quite relaxed about taking kids out of school for important things but his approach would piss me off.

LoveBluey · 03/03/2023 19:17

With no SN then absolutely I would - and have taken my kids out of school for a family wedding but this is different and I would do what you think will be best for your DD.

The other thing I'd wonder about is how well would your DD cope at the wedding itself given there will be lots of new experiences and unknowns and the very fact it's a wedding means lots of things will be out of your control. Eg does she like to know what is happening and when. At weddings you're at the mercy of their timings and don't always know exactly when you'll have meals etc. This may or may not be an issue but if it's likely then you might be better going alone so that you can enjoy the wedding instead of concentrating on your DD so much.

CatOnTheChair · 03/03/2023 19:23

How local is the wedding?
Any chance you can get off work a couple of hours early, pick DD up from school and get to the wedding breakfast - missing the ceremony?

CatOnTheChair · 03/03/2023 19:24

FWIW, my kids didn't attend their uncles wedding. It was abroad (neither brother was living in the country they were born in) in the middle of term. DH went alone.

Sleepless1096 · 03/03/2023 19:25

If he really wanted you there he wouldn’t have picked midweek in term time.

This. Your brother is being unreasonable for scheduling a weekday wedding and then expecting you to contort your life hugely in order to attend instead of accepting your sincere apologies for being unable to make it.

I'm assuming he didn't ring you beforehand to check the date?

Original poster
WeddingOfHis · 03/03/2023 19:26

LoveBluey · 03/03/2023 19:17

With no SN then absolutely I would - and have taken my kids out of school for a family wedding but this is different and I would do what you think will be best for your DD.

The other thing I'd wonder about is how well would your DD cope at the wedding itself given there will be lots of new experiences and unknowns and the very fact it's a wedding means lots of things will be out of your control. Eg does she like to know what is happening and when. At weddings you're at the mercy of their timings and don't always know exactly when you'll have meals etc. This may or may not be an issue but if it's likely then you might be better going alone so that you can enjoy the wedding instead of concentrating on your DD so much.

@LoveBluey That is another factor to consider as well, DD likes to know exactly what she's eating down to how much of it there will be, she likes to know where she'll be sitting etc.

She does like discos and similar but only for an hour or so. But they're not having a reception so can't even compromise and bring her to that bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingOfHis · 03/03/2023 19:28

CatOnTheChair · 03/03/2023 19:23

How local is the wedding?
Any chance you can get off work a couple of hours early, pick DD up from school and get to the wedding breakfast - missing the ceremony?

@CatOnTheChair 20 minutes from home so around 40 minutes from work. There is a meal immediately after the wedding at a local resturant to the ceremony but thats it, no proper reception or anything that I could compromise on and bring DD to early/after school.

OP posts:
Fancysauce · 03/03/2023 19:29

If they really cared about dd being there they wouldn't have booked it for a weekday during school time. I would prioritise her longer term needs and that is getting settled into school.

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 19:36

I don’t know why you’ve posted if you’ve already made up your mind.

I personally would do it as she’s obviously very close to him and it’s more important than going to school for a day.

But if you don’t want to then just say no.

MrsRandom123 · 03/03/2023 19:38

I would take mine out for it but with the potential stress & upset it might cause your dd in that situation i’d probably not & i’d be missing it too if i needed to do pickup and had no child care.

Obviously everyone is entitled to organise their wedding how they want but when it’s week days or involves travelling, they also have to accept that people, even family might not be able to attend (neither me nor my kids are going my sisters as she is getting married the day after my 40th & i want to go away with my husband and kids and have had that plan long before she booked her wedding)

muddlingthrou · 03/03/2023 19:43

You sound like you don't want to go and are using your DD as an excuse... is grit my teeth and suck it up for one day for your DB.

Hbh17 · 03/03/2023 19:50

Of course YANBU. A child should be in school. Fines are irrelevant, this is about prioritising what is most important, ie education.

If your brother is so bothered, he should have arranged his wedding for the school holidays. In your shoes, I would not be going.

Hbh17 · 03/03/2023 19:52

It's just a wedding - it's really not the big deal some posters are suggesting!

Valeriekat · 03/03/2023 19:52

Why do people have weekday weddings?

DuvetDownn · 03/03/2023 19:58

To save themselves money at the expense of their guests.

Bamboux · 03/03/2023 20:03

Your brother doesn't give a shit about your daughter's education (a real thing), so why would you give a shit about his narcissistic wankfest of a wedding (not a real thing)?

Bamboux · 03/03/2023 20:05

PennyRa · 03/03/2023 18:53

This is an important cultural event for her. It only happens once and family is so important.

School is none of those things.

You have months to prepare her to minimise the impact of the difference of the day. I would feel like I owe it to my child to try if I were in your position.

School transition happens once. Op's daughter has SEN, and even if she didn't, it would be utterly shit to make her miss it in order to simper in the background of some photos for her mum's brother and some woman/man he is marrying.

MooseBreath · 03/03/2023 20:08

I think it's more important to involve your daughter in family events than it is to have her attend school for a day. I understand that due to her SEN that causes issues settling, but September is a long way off still. She will be more used to the middle school at that point as she has already started transitioning.

She will eventually see photos of the wedding. If she's as close to her uncle as you say (as close to him as her own father), then she will resent having not been there. She deserves to attend an important family event.

PennyRa · 03/03/2023 20:08

Bamboux · 03/03/2023 20:05

School transition happens once. Op's daughter has SEN, and even if she didn't, it would be utterly shit to make her miss it in order to simper in the background of some photos for her mum's brother and some woman/man he is marrying.

Show quote history

It's an ongoing thing for at least a month

WandaWonder · 03/03/2023 20:11

I don't get weekday,weddings then complaining people can't go

Sure people can't go on weekend ones all the time but a wedding is a lovely thing if people can't go they can't

I doubt I would take my child out for it

Everyotherone · 03/03/2023 20:16

Is the wedding itself likely to be difficult for her too?

I think you’re doing the right thing; it’s clear you are considering her needs very carefully in this.

I have a dc with SN and it’s not as simple as “it’s only a day”.

Do what you have to do.

Lindtnotlint · 03/03/2023 20:21

I would absolutely send my kid to school in these circumstances. (And work really hard to get to the wedding myself).

Bamboux · 03/03/2023 20:30

MooseBreath · 03/03/2023 20:08

I think it's more important to involve your daughter in family events than it is to have her attend school for a day. I understand that due to her SEN that causes issues settling, but September is a long way off still. She will be more used to the middle school at that point as she has already started transitioning.

She will eventually see photos of the wedding. If she's as close to her uncle as you say (as close to him as her own father), then she will resent having not been there. She deserves to attend an important family event.

Teenagers don't give a toss about being 'involved in important family events', by the way.