Not to want friend's boyfriend to come

[poppyplate]

I invited three friends (we met at uni, we're now mid 20s) out for dinner to celebrate my birthday this weekend. Three of us are currently single, the other has had a partner for about 6-12 months. The four of us agreed a time and a place a few days ago. However this afternoon the coupled friend has messaged me to ask if it's ok if she brings her boyfriend too.

AIBU not to want him to come? I don't have any issues with him personally, but I've only met him once and while he seemed nice, it would totally change the dynamic of my birthday dinner. But I don't know how I can say no to my friend without making things awkward.

Sounds like your friend has coupled up with a possessive man. Obviously it's inappropriate for him to push himself into your lunch, be prepared for your friend to not attend if you turn him down. Imagine how awkward the lunch would be, 4 old friends then a new kid on the block!

Yanbu but you don’t need to use the phrase ‘girls’ night’ - say you’d like it to be just the four of you this time.
Imo she should understand that and it’s a bit annoying of her to ask.

Hardly 🙄 She's probably just loved up and wants to be with him all the time, we've all been there. But I agree annoying. OP just say no, it's perfectly reasonable not to want him there, he'll be a 4th wheel

It DOES change the dynamic and its not about the sex or gender of a person. Especially if you don't know a person well. It makes me less open with the topics I discuss and my humor and turns the meet up into polite social chit chat.

My BF husband of 12 years is lovely but I never feel I can chat to my friend about things going on in my personal life when he is there. I have tried in the past and he just sits there looking stressed and unhappy until we go back to 'ooh isn't this cake nice' 'are the boys enjoying school' 'how's work?'

It really spoils my time with her.

YANBU op.

Well ’loved up’ couple would make it all even more miserable, so even more reason for him not to show up.

Inclusive
Its absolutely fine for women to want to spend time with their female friends without men.
Every single woman I know from 20 to 80 does this, regularly. My mum is 73 and still has 'girls' nights ( I hate the term too) but female only get togethers in themselves are fine and very common, men do change the dynamic.
It's OP's birthday, she wants to spend it catching up with friends, he is not her friend.

Tell her no or he'll become a permanent fixture

I think it's unanimous OP? Bet your other friends won't be keen either

How do you know he is possessive? Maybe she is? (Not the op the friend)

YANBU your friend is an adult who should be able to spend time with her friends without her partner. It is highly annoying when people do this we are all allowed our own social lives outside of friendships. Not to mention I would say the same if she was asking to bring a random friend along it's not about boy or girl it's about the fact that she should read the room and realise how awkward it would be having someone else randomly joining your group that you hardly even know!

• relationships not friendships

YANBU to say you want it to just be your actual friends on your birthday, but as others say, tell her you would love to meet up with them both another time and suggest a convenient date.

I also don't think she's unreasonable to ask, maybe shes at that smitten point where she wants to be with him alot or just really wants to get him involved in knowing her friends, but she can arrange another time for everyone.

I would be a little concerned if she then didn't turn up, he may be a bit controlling, so keep her close and a friendly eye on her if this happens.

Op doesn't say it is all female friends. She just says 3 friends.

I think as you get older, trying to control groups and not allowing partners gets more challenging but you might say would love a catch up with our uni group to reminisce about it all, maybe he could join us for a drink after?

No harm in asking. You don't know why she asked - maybe they are on their way to or from somewhere and will already be together or any number of reasons why a request makes sense. She may also not feel a part of just us single ones chatting about our lives since she isn't single and may not even know who is single or who isn't depending on how frequently you all stay in touch. And lots of people have a the more the merrier approach to life.

trying to control groups and not allowing partners gets more challenging

Control?
Strange word to use.
But also why?
Can’t people hang out without their partners at some point no more?
How boring!

She may also not feel a part of just us single ones chatting about our lives since she isn't single and may not even know who is single

There are people who can’t talk with/relate to people who are single once they themselves no longer are?
How weird!
And boring!

Is this why SOME people abandon their friends once they are dating/get married?

Of course they can and do. There is no evidence that the coupled friend goes everywhere with her boyfriend all the time. We have no idea of the circumstances around the request.

Likewise single people also realize that singles friends move and partner up and that sometimes partners for many different reasons will socialize with their girlfriend/ boyfriend.

Life changes. Flexibility in life is good.

So the friend can be flexible and not drag the current fling with her.

Of course. All she did was ask and OP can say no.

Neither are in the wrong here.

I’d probably say
‘the more the merrier, but why on earth would he want to come to a girls night ? 😀’
Then just deal with the fallout, either way.