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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want friend's boyfriend to come

93 replies

poppyplate · 03/03/2023 17:25

I invited three friends (we met at uni, we're now mid 20s) out for dinner to celebrate my birthday this weekend. Three of us are currently single, the other has had a partner for about 6-12 months. The four of us agreed a time and a place a few days ago. However this afternoon the coupled friend has messaged me to ask if it's ok if she brings her boyfriend too.

AIBU not to want him to come? I don't have any issues with him personally, but I've only met him once and while he seemed nice, it would totally change the dynamic of my birthday dinner. But I don't know how I can say no to my friend without making things awkward.

OP posts:
elenacampana · 03/03/2023 20:14

cigarettesNalcohol · 03/03/2023 17:57

Personally I think YABU, you're in your twenties, it's a bit immature to want it to be 'girlies only'. It's not high school anymore. It's a shame you don't feel like being more inclusive and welcoming. After all, this could be a serious relationship for your friend, he might be here to hang around...

If he’s hanging about, he can be made to feel welcome another time.

gamerchick · 03/03/2023 20:18

Ah man I swear, if anyone bleats on about being 'more inclusive' IRL when it comes to including men, I may implode and splatter off the walls.

NO.

FiddleLeaf · 03/03/2023 20:19

Mojoj · 03/03/2023 17:38

I disagree. She is being unreasonable to ask. What it is with some women who want to foist their boyfriends onto a clearly all girls invitation?

Show quote history

Nah, she can ask and give them the option to say no. I agree it’s weird and annoying but it is what it is.

Emdubz · 03/03/2023 20:20

I’d say the others haven’t been given the opportunity to bring anyone else so to be fair to everyone you’re keeping the booking for 4.

elenacampana · 03/03/2023 20:22

TheBigWangTheory · 03/03/2023 18:38

Someone above says she wasn't UR to ask: she was. If you're living life thinking thats ok, newsflash, you've been pissing people off.

OP, ignore all the advice to be nice and girly and apologetic about saying no to an uninvited stranger gatecrashing your birthday meal. Do not be simpering in response. Say "No, he's not invited, I've booked for those I asked to come".

I agree with your first paragraph, but if your second paragraph represents you and how you speak to people, then you’re guilty of the behaviour in the first paragraph.

2chocolateoranges · 03/03/2023 20:24

cigarettesNalcohol · 03/03/2023 17:57

Personally I think YABU, you're in your twenties, it's a bit immature to want it to be 'girlies only'. It's not high school anymore. It's a shame you don't feel like being more inclusive and welcoming. After all, this could be a serious relationship for your friend, he might be here to hang around...

Really?

im in my 40’s and love a good girlie night out.

Emptycrackedcup · 03/03/2023 20:31

Just say no? She's done the right thing and asked. Put on your big girl pants

QuillBill · 03/03/2023 20:33

Personally I think YABU, you're in your twenties, it's a bit immature to want it to be 'girlies only'. It's not high school anymore. It's a shame you don't feel like being more inclusive and welcoming. After all, this could be a serious relationship for your friend, he might be here to hang around...

I think it's immature to want to take your boyfriend around with you.

Soozikinzii · 03/03/2023 20:34

Reply - It's a girl's night out for my birthday but looking forward to meethim another time.

Rightsraptor · 03/03/2023 20:39

No he should not come. Nor should your friend have asked.

It's not that you just want 'girlies', as some ridiculous pp has said: you want your friends and this man is not one of them. He will absolutely change the dynamic of the evening. Any conversations about your joint past will have to be explained and maybe avoided all together.

I wonder if it was your friend's idea or his that he should come too. Sounds controlling to me.

Hiddenvoice · 03/03/2023 20:40

Just reply and say not this time as it’s a friend meet up but you’re looking forward to seeing him soon.

WandaWonder · 03/03/2023 20:44

I get along equally with men and women a d don't feel the need for this girl thing

But there is a difference in him having to be there and it naturally happening

I don't get this 'he must be controlling' thing, not do I get people can't have a night out without their partners

Not sure why he wants to go but if he genuinely does fine, if it she can't be unglued from him odd

pictoosh · 03/03/2023 20:49

I’d love to dine out with him soon. I would prefer just my nearest (and dearest) for this one. Thanks for sounding me out though…you’re very considerate. Look forward to seeing you then.

Send that.

BessieSurtees · 03/03/2023 21:06

cigarettesNalcohol · 03/03/2023 17:57

Personally I think YABU, you're in your twenties, it's a bit immature to want it to be 'girlies only'. It's not high school anymore. It's a shame you don't feel like being more inclusive and welcoming. After all, this could be a serious relationship for your friend, he might be here to hang around...

Bollocks. I’m in my 60’s and have girls days / nights out and holidays. I’m married but on these occasions no one would dream of inviting their DP. There will plenty of other times if he’s around long enough.

@poppyplate your friend has caused the awkwardness why has she asked? You invited her not him, she doesn’t have to accept but is wrong to change the dynamics by bringing him along.

Just say no, not for my birthday meal don’t worry too much about making her feel uncomfortable when she hasn’t given you the same courtesy.

CovertImage · 03/03/2023 21:45

cigarettesNalcohol · 03/03/2023 17:57

Personally I think YABU, you're in your twenties, it's a bit immature to want it to be 'girlies only'. It's not high school anymore. It's a shame you don't feel like being more inclusive and welcoming. After all, this could be a serious relationship for your friend, he might be here to hang around...

WTF, she doesn't want it to be "girlies only" - what sort of weird brain did that come out of? She wants to meet up with her log term friends, that she actually knows

Crazycrazylady · 03/03/2023 22:06

I'd just reply and tell her that you'd like to do lunch just ye old friends but offer to catch up as a wider group another time so ye can get to know him.

Isthisexpected · 03/03/2023 22:14

After all, this could be a serious relationship for your friend, he might be here to hang around...

^ so what? It's OPs birthday.

cassiatwenty · 03/03/2023 22:16

Not a bad idea, however it's girls only this time

MangoPineapple11 · 03/03/2023 22:18

I find it odd she even wants to ??
is he controlling?

pinkdelight · 03/03/2023 22:22

She asked if it's okay. It's absolutely fine to say no. Just say "not this time, just you. Looking forward to it." And have fun! No big deal.

ZeldaB · 03/03/2023 22:30

“Hi, thanks for checking. I’d much rather it was just us girls, as I’ve been so looking forward to catching up with you all, and making polite conversation with someone I’ve only met once isn’t a very ‘birthdayish’ thing for me. Happy to hang out with him another time but not on my birthday.”

Northernsouloldies · 03/03/2023 22:42

Nope it's a girls only affair, why would he want to tag along being the only guy.

Instinct1 · 03/03/2023 22:46

Are all of your friends women OP?

StaunchMomma · 03/03/2023 22:58

"I've been really looking forward to a night with my girls for my birthday. Can we catch up with your boyfriend another time?"

It IS your bday meal, OP. She's thinking of herself or his wants/needs here.

Cosycover · 03/03/2023 23:01

The OP doesn't say that all 3 friends are women though.

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