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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want friend's boyfriend to come

93 replies

poppyplate · 03/03/2023 17:25

I invited three friends (we met at uni, we're now mid 20s) out for dinner to celebrate my birthday this weekend. Three of us are currently single, the other has had a partner for about 6-12 months. The four of us agreed a time and a place a few days ago. However this afternoon the coupled friend has messaged me to ask if it's ok if she brings her boyfriend too.

AIBU not to want him to come? I don't have any issues with him personally, but I've only met him once and while he seemed nice, it would totally change the dynamic of my birthday dinner. But I don't know how I can say no to my friend without making things awkward.

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 03/03/2023 18:01

Girls night out for your birthday, tell her to feck off.

Mariposista · 03/03/2023 18:09

Sorry, want it to be a girl's night.

Avariceagain · 03/03/2023 18:09

gannett · 03/03/2023 17:55

Why would a normal man feel like an idiot sitting with women? Have had countless gatherings where one man has ended up at dinner or in a pub or at a gig with multiple women. Have also been one woman with multiple male friends in those situations. Nothing has been awkward or weird about it.

Personally I don't have any time for enforcing gender-segregated socialising nor do I think it changes the dynamic, so in the OP's position I'd have said yes, the more the merrier and I'd love to meet him. Generally I enjoy and look forward to meeting people who make my friends happy, and I assume that if they have something in common with my friends they won't be completely awful to spend time with.

But OP would be within her rights to make up some excuse about the table already being booked or whatever, that's not a huge deal.

Show quote history

It's not really about being girls only though, it's about being with your friends, not someone you hardly know. There is a time and a place to get to know your friends' partners, and your intimate celebratory birthday dinner is not it.

EyesOnThePies · 03/03/2023 18:10

YANBU.

”I was thinking just our original group, for my birthday. No one else is bringing a plus one this time, let’s arrange another time to meet with him”

Whataretheodds · 03/03/2023 18:11

cigarettesNalcohol · 03/03/2023 17:57

Personally I think YABU, you're in your twenties, it's a bit immature to want it to be 'girlies only'. It's not high school anymore. It's a shame you don't feel like being more inclusive and welcoming. After all, this could be a serious relationship for your friend, he might be here to hang around...

And they can socialise with him another time but Op can celebrate her birthday as she wishes.

EyesOnThePies · 03/03/2023 18:13

What’s with this ‘girly night’ stuff?

Nowhere has the OP said her friends are all women!

FourFour · 03/03/2023 18:16

Yanbu, very rude of her to even ask. Just say another time but it's your birthday and you want it just the four of you.

SwimmingAgainstTheTides · 03/03/2023 18:19

No, l wouldn't want it, why would he want to go anyway ? He would probably just be sat looking bored, and not have a clue who or what your on about. I don't like it when this happens as you tend to find it does change the dynamics and often the couple just sit and chat amongst themselves, so what's the point ?
It's like the meet.ups I used to attend, some of the others always had to bring a friend/ relative and then they made zero effort to connect or contribute.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 03/03/2023 18:22

I would also say no. It would change the dynamic. I would feel the same if it was a boyfriend or girlfriend. It would be different if it was a broader group where the relationships between the different people going were varied or if it was all based on a mutual interest like a concert, or if a few plus ones were going.

LightDrizzle · 03/03/2023 18:26

I’d love to meet him soon but this one is close friends only. Hope you can make it.

Bluetrews25 · 03/03/2023 18:26

She's either a bit of a wet lettuce who is scared to go out on her own, or he's controlling.
Which is it, OP?

YouAreNotBatman · 03/03/2023 18:28

YANBU.

Ugh😒, nothing is worse than a woman obsessed with her man insisting now everyone must suffer him.
Not really sure what’s wrong with women like her.

DowntonCrabby · 03/03/2023 18:30

“Just ladies this time Jane, can’t wait to see you!”

Don’t give her a reason/excuse, you don’t need to.

Cornelious2011 · 03/03/2023 18:31

That's rude of her. It's perfectly polite of you to message back 'no sorry, it's a girls night'.

Undermyumberellaellaella · 03/03/2023 18:31

Just tell it's just a girl night because it's your birthday.

Although any other time I don't see a reason for him not to come if he wanted to.

Epicstorm · 03/03/2023 18:32

cigarettesNalcohol
Personally I think YABU, you're in your twenties, it's a bit immature to want it to be 'girlies only'. It's not high school anymore. It's a shame you don't feel like being more inclusive and welcoming. After all, this could be a serious relationship for your friend, he might be here to hang around...

Can’t see what’s immature about it myself. It would change the dynamic both because he’s male and because they don’t know him. I’m much older and was irritated recently when a friend brought her teenage daughter with her. Again the dynamic totally changed and her daughter was clearly bored.

They can be welcoming on a future occasion when OP isn’t celebrating her birthday. If the friend does give backword about it I wouldn’t be impressed.

IncompleteSenten · 03/03/2023 18:32

Say no. It's just for your friends and you can meet up with him another time.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/03/2023 18:33

I'd say no but that's because I can't see this working out very well.
Either they're at the really loved up stage where they want to do everything together, which can be a bit awkward for everyone else, or, he's a control freak who can't cope with her going out alone or (possibly) the worst one of all- he's one of those men who things it will be a wonderful chance for him to be the entertainment for the night - he'll take over completely and expect you all to dote on him.

BoringLittleMe · 03/03/2023 18:35

YANBU. It's nothing to do with the fact he's a man, it's because it's a meal out for friends and you hardly know him.

"I've booked for just us 4 uni friends for my birthday, but let's arrange something to meet up with you both another time. See you tomorrow!"

LaPerduta · 03/03/2023 18:35

Bit inconsiderate to parade new boyfriend around when the rest of you are single.

Agapornis · 03/03/2023 18:37

God I hate it when you're supposed to catch up with friends and then suddenly a partner shows up. Totally changes the dynamic.
Say no, it's your birthday and it's friends only. I've started saying "no partners, sorry" at the start of planning meetups.

TheBigWangTheory · 03/03/2023 18:38

Someone above says she wasn't UR to ask: she was. If you're living life thinking thats ok, newsflash, you've been pissing people off.

OP, ignore all the advice to be nice and girly and apologetic about saying no to an uninvited stranger gatecrashing your birthday meal. Do not be simpering in response. Say "No, he's not invited, I've booked for those I asked to come".

ACynicalDad · 03/03/2023 18:39

He would probably be delighted not to have to come!

Shmithecat2 · 03/03/2023 18:40

cigarettesNalcohol · 03/03/2023 17:57

Personally I think YABU, you're in your twenties, it's a bit immature to want it to be 'girlies only'. It's not high school anymore. It's a shame you don't feel like being more inclusive and welcoming. After all, this could be a serious relationship for your friend, he might be here to hang around...

There's nothing immature about not wanting a relative stranger at an intimate birthday dinner. Give over.

PillBoxes · 03/03/2023 20:09

I would not go to a night out with my husband's male group. I would not expect husband to ask me, and I would cringe at being there amongst a bunch of blokes, nice and all as they are.

I cannot understand the man wanting to go. Either he is full of himself and thinks he will entertain the ladies, or is controlling of his partner, or indeed his partner has him under the cosh and won't let HIM be alone. Honestly schoolkids would have more cop on.

No partners is what you want, and that's what you shall get.