AIBU - She shouldn't have said this at the funeral?

[CalmReserve]

Dave and Jane are happily married with 2 children. Dave works with Sarah.
Jane has cancer and passes away.
Dave quits work for a while to look after the kids.
Over the years Dave has several relationships, nothing lasting. 15 years later he reconnects with Sarah who gets divorced to marry Dave.
A few years later Dave dies in an accident.

At Dave's funeral Sarah has the officiant read out a eulogy she has written about their relationship. Part of which states they used to flirt all the time when they worked together, basically hinting they had a thing at the time when Dave was married to Jane.

AIBU to think this was totally inappropriate and disrespectful to Dave and Jane's kids and Jane's family- some of whom were at the funeral? Even if it was true, I just feel it doesn't need to be said at the funeral! There's a time and place. It's not like Dave and Jane even got divorced! They might have still been happily married had she not died.

Or am I overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing and she's entitled to say what she wants at her husbands funeral (and sod anyone else's feelings!)

Whereas you sound delightful. 🥰

Honestly my husband is not a widower but the outright hatred and vitriol makes me think twice about making any kind of speeches at funerals. I’m not good with words at the best of times which is why I sympathize with the widow and second wife. I think I would rather stay home and cry alone in the darkness then rush saying the “wrong thing”.

risk*

If Dave and Sarah had got together while everyone was clearing away the sandwiches at Jane's wake, I could understand the outrage. But it was 15 YEARS after her death that they reconnected. A bit of flirting over the photocopier that led to something a decade and a half later hardly constituted a torrid affair behind Jane's back.

15 years married is quite a long time and grief makes you very insular. Did she have support around her to advise on the eulogy?

I can completely see how this would cause a lot of upset, but can also see and understand how it happened.

What’s your role in this? Are you one of the children? - in which case I am sorry this has upset you and understand how it quite rightly would have.

it is a difficult thing being married to a widower you are never sure if you would have ever been picked if not of the tragic death of the actual "first choice". Maybe it was her way of saying she was worthy of him and not a standby. Yes it was clumsy and hurtful. Cut her some slack she is grieving.

That is in very poor taste.

At my DF's funeral in the eulogy my DF's wife talked about how my father had 'endured a terribly unhappy 30 year marriage to his first wife' - while his first wife (my DM) and their children and grandchildren were all sitting listening. There was an audible gasp in the congregation and it was all everyone was talking about when the funeral ended. Some people are just vile and lack empathy and I'm sorry that Jane's family had to listen to that.

I think this is more deserving and clearly an outright attack. What OP is describing is far more vague and needs further context before anyone can rightfully burn her at the stake.

Utterly disrespectful

I agree with this. When my mum died (only just 60) my dad made the grieving and funeral all about him and his feelings.
ironic that he’d spent last 10-15 years telling me how unhappy his marriage was and how we wanted to divorce but was scared to be on his own. That was what most of his grief was - fear of a future on his own. Within 8 weeks of my mums funeral he met and began a relationship with the woman he has been with for last 20 years. He never once asked me, even immediately after her death, how I was and how I was feeling. Within 6 months of her death , and When his new partner started staying at his house, all the stuff relating to my mum was quietly removed/dumped.

I don’t mind the fact that he started a relationship so soon- better than him moping and given he’d not been happy for previous x years with mum, then fair enough

it was the selfish, thoughtless acts he did at the time of her death, funeral and shortly afterwards where he took no account to how I felt.

i was not asked for any input into her eulogy , or any other thing at her funeral. He got a random relative to right her eulogy and I had to listen to thinly veiled digs at her such as her being a “strong matriarch “ - given she wasn’t a matriarch in terms of heading a large strongly bound family of sons, daughters, grandchildren etc - only me and my 2 small sons who we only managed to see 3-4 times a year due to living so far away, and it was clearly refeclting how my dad felt that she had “controlled” his life. Yet he was one who didn’t divorce and didn’t want to discuss divorce with my mum. That comment was 23 years ago- I have never forgotten the shock, disbelief at the words, and sheer frustration she’d been called that

he also buried her without any grave stone. He was given money by me and her family to buy a tree and memorial in a place she loved- he just don’t acted our money to the place without any memorial. I have no place where I can go to feel “close” to mum

so, yes, the idea of a chief mourner is ridiculous when there are children , or even parents involved, and sometime even siblings. A spouse doesn’t trump everyone else - sometimes their feelings are mixed, confused and a whole heep of confusion. And that makes them say and do hurtful, stupid things

It should not have been said Insensative and selfish

Reading this broke my heart, because my husband has recently been through the same with his so called father. I hope you're doing as well as possible in the circumstances.

She's insecure as she knows she's the second choice and that everyone knows it.

No class either.

But there was 15 years at work between Jane’s death and Sarah marrying Dave?

Crass to say anything about it at all, really, but shows her in a bad light wrt her first marriage more than back in the day when Jane died, IMO.

What a horrible thing to say. Honestly, the hyperbole on this thread. Sarah married Dave 15 YEARS after Jane died and in the role of his WIFE mentioned during his eulogy at his funeral that they'd flirted when they first met. Yet posters are reacting as though she stood up and denounced Jane as the worst wife imaginable who he secretly hated!

I imagine her judgement is impaired by the fact she's just lost her husband suddenly and traumatically.

Unless she has previous form for thoughtless and insensitive behaviour, I'd be inclined to give her a pass and not start threads about it on MN.

I can see I've been deleted, reported by those happy to be fucking horrible to a grieving widow, but unable to talk being called what they are.

I stand by it.

Hear bloody hear! The woman's grieving and she was reminiscing about the man she loved. Give her a break.

I don't think you were deleted for the sentiment, which I share, just the liberal use of the c-word!

Omg!!!! I wonder if the mother knew the dark underbelly of that love story! The joke is indeed in them.

Very poor taste, but it's done now