AIBU - She shouldn't have said this at the funeral?

[CalmReserve]

Dave and Jane are happily married with 2 children. Dave works with Sarah.
Jane has cancer and passes away.
Dave quits work for a while to look after the kids.
Over the years Dave has several relationships, nothing lasting. 15 years later he reconnects with Sarah who gets divorced to marry Dave.
A few years later Dave dies in an accident.

At Dave's funeral Sarah has the officiant read out a eulogy she has written about their relationship. Part of which states they used to flirt all the time when they worked together, basically hinting they had a thing at the time when Dave was married to Jane.

AIBU to think this was totally inappropriate and disrespectful to Dave and Jane's kids and Jane's family- some of whom were at the funeral? Even if it was true, I just feel it doesn't need to be said at the funeral! There's a time and place. It's not like Dave and Jane even got divorced! They might have still been happily married had she not died.

Or am I overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing and she's entitled to say what she wants at her husbands funeral (and sod anyone else's feelings!)

Disrespectful and unnecessary, reeks of insecurity within the marriage, I'd focus my condolences on the children instead tbh.

Very poor taste . No consideration for his kids with Jane .

It is unfortunate that she didn't seek any advice on her eulogy. But there's a reason you hear the phrase "crazy with grief" used so often. If you feel able, just try to give her the benefit of the doubt, she very likely wasn't thinking about how her words might hurt other people.

I've found that most eulogies are written with rose colored glasses firmly in place. My late father's eulogy was so over the top that I whispered to my sister "who are they taking about again?".

Try to let it go if you can.

My grandpa's first wife died tragically young. After a few years, he married a friend of hers. So, when grandpa died, he went in with Wife 1, and when granny died, she went in there too!!

That was a horrible thing for 'Sarah' to say though. How would you know if it was even true so many years later?

She possibly wasn't thinking straight after, you know, just losing her husband. Grief is selfish and overwhelming and she can probably only look at their relationship through her own lens right now.

Very poor taste. Maybe she wasn’t thinking straight

I agree with this comment. It was in poor taste but I don’t think a grieving widow typically has their head screwed on right when they’re writing a eulogy. I know I wouldn’t. I don’t really get the feeling that it was written in spite or to be cruel but I guess I would have to know her personally to judge. Probably just clumsy with her words.

I hope that OP can offer her some breathing room. She’s going through enough as it is.

I’m one of those people who is bad with words. I do not envy her position. We live in a culture where our words are dissected and autopsied for problems to the point that it’s hard to even communicate verbally and honestly anymore she now everyone is diagnosed with social anxiety because of it. I hate that we treat each other this way especially during such difficult times in our lives.

Perhaps it’s best to just let it go.

Good grief, that is jaw dropping. Did his children not have any input to the eulogy?

It’s very disrespectful to his children.

I don’t buy into this thing where it’s ok just to say anything you want because you’re the chief mourner. His children have lost both of their parents and may now have that niggling.

I actually know a family that fell out and a father and son haven’t spoken for many years because of something said at the funeral of the man’s second wife. His son’s mother is still alive, but a comment was made about how the second she came into his life he knew his second wife was the woman for him. He was married to his first wife for a further three years and the son felt it utterly disrespectful to his mother.

Yes, that is inappropriate and disrespectful to Jane's memory and family. Even if it's true, it didn't need to be said.

I've seen people use eulogies to take pot shots before.

You don’t feel 100% rational in grief but you only get one chance to get a funeral right. I think this was a very unfair thing to say—- there were other ways to convey their happiness and live for each other that wouldn’t have upset others.

Is flirting but being faithful good or bad ?

As for the funeral, does seem odd.

@MaryJean87 A bit harsh based on one comment from a woman who's grief of losing her husband of the last 15 years, is fresh and new.

Sarah wasn't married to him for 15 years, only a "few". His first marriage to Jane was 15 years...

Theres a time and a place for those sorts of words....and his funeral was definitely not one imo. Feel for his children

I don’t believe there is such thing as a chief mourner and I think that comment is a bit unfair. No one who is defending the widow has suggested such a thing. I believe that children who grieve a parent grieve just as deeply and painfully as the spouse who is left behind. It’s not a suffering contest. Everyone involved is hurting. Though they may be hurting in different ways.

I did defend the widow in my previous comment but I did not excuse what she said if that makes sense. People don’t think rationally in these situations.

People sometimes isolate themselves and burn bridges with pain. It’s not rational. We cannot expect people to be thinking logically when they are in the pits of despair. If the widow is doing this I don’t blame anyone for distancing themselves from her but I do hope they leave a rope behind for her to grasp onto once she’s out on the other side of the darkness.

🙄 Theres always one.

I’d be fuming and most likely say something to her. In poor taste like others have said!

It's a valid question, besides it takes two to tango, at the funeral yes disrespectful.
But in the context as just friends how is flirting perceived as good bonding or wrong full.stop ?

It’s irrelevant to this thread. And you are being very inappropriate.

Awful.

I think anyone attending the funeral would have raised an eyebrow over what she was saying. It looks bad on her.

You're absolutely right, OP.
She was crass, insensitive and inappropriate. And, I'm guessing, not too blessed in the brains department.

Disgusting. Doesn’t she have any class?

Her husband just died. She may not be thinking rationally.

What's your excuse for nastiness?

She has a dead husband, tends to impair your judgement a bit.

Clutching at straws- but if Dave had returned to work at the same company after taking time out with his kids and Sarah was also still there, she may have been referring to that later period rather than the time before Jane died.

However, even if that was the case she should have realised how it would come across to people who had known Dave and Jane as a couple.

I think, knowing Dave and Jane's children and members of Jane's family would be present, Sarah was making sure she wasn't upstaged by a long dead first wife and was reminding the world that she was the bereaved widow, the one everyone should feel sorry for, the true love of Dave's life etc etc