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AIBU?

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Original poster

How pissed off (if at all) would you be about this?

66 replies

MyBloodyBrother · 02/03/2023 23:37

DH normally works 4 days a week in the office, 1 day at home. He normally is at home Monday then at work Tuesday-Friday. Work is 200 miles from home so he gets the train up and has a flat near work. Train takes about 3 hours.

This week he went up on Monday as the train was running a slower route Tuesday and planned to come back tonight. He’d told dc’s he’d be back for when they wake up on Friday as his train doesn’t normally get him back until 11pmish. We don’t normally speak during the week but regularly WhatsApp and dc1 WhatsApps him and plays an online game with him on his phone during the week too.

In text conversation yesterday and today I asked him what time he’d be home today. Neither time he answered but I’d asked other questions too so I had no reason to think he wasn’t, he normally only tells me if time/ day has changed. I messaged him 10 mins ago asking if he’d got the later train. I struggle to sleep before he’s home because I can’t properly relax until the deadlock is on the door. He replied to say he’s still at work, he’s had a shit day and that he’d be back tomorrow evening instead.

I’m thoroughly pissed off. Not only did he not tell me he wasn’t coming home until I asked 3 times but tomorrow morning the DC will come bowling in to see him and he won’t be here. Dc2 gets so excited about him coming back and always has a little list he’s written of everything he wants to tell him/ ask him. If he’d told me sooner I could’ve managed expectations and it would be a lot less upsetting. The DC are still awake when the last train leaves London which he knows. I can understand him not having enough time to phone us but he doesn’t have the kind of job where he’s unable to use his phone to send a quick text.

He’s never done this before and it’s really out of character.

OP posts:
moveoverye · 02/03/2023 23:40

I’d be put out, but I’d mostly be concerned if he was okay, especially if he hasn't done this before. What sort of a shit day did he have?

mdinbc · 02/03/2023 23:42

Why don't you actually phone him and talk to him, so you can have a proper conversation rather than texting?
If he really did have an awful day at work then a voice to talk to is good.

Thatiswild · 02/03/2023 23:43

I totally understand why you’re pissed off, however, if this is totally out of character and he would normally reply or communicate better I would acknowledge his text and say you’ll talk to him in the morning - and do that. Explain to the kids that dad couldn’t make it home tonight so will be back tomorrow and manage the emotions they may have but try to give your dh space to be honest about what’s happened in his shit day and why he’s having to stay on. I’m just imagining if you get angry about it and it’s another blow in an awful day. Sleep on it basically is what I would do, even though yanbu to be annoyed at all.

peachgreen · 02/03/2023 23:43

Tbh I wouldn’t be pissed off, I’d be suspicious.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 02/03/2023 23:45

I think I’d be concerned for him and a disappointed for me and the kids, but mostly bothered he’s had such a stressful day, he couldn’t get in touch or come home on time. Wouldn’t be annoyed about children writing lists, he can just add a few more things to his list in the extra time before his dad comes home.

Thatiswild · 02/03/2023 23:46

Why jump to being suspicious? It wouldn’t be my first thought at all, my dh would be really hurt if it was I think.

as @mdinbc suggests, if he’s up to talking maybe offer a listening ear.

Original poster
MyBloodyBrother · 03/03/2023 00:04

He said he was still at work when he messaged me so o can’t phone him. His line of work can mean having to work through the night on occasion or having to do New York office hours as he works for an American company. I’m just annoyed that he didn’t tell me until I asked for the third time, didn’t tell me that he wasn’t getting on the last train which he’d have known hours ago.

OP posts:
ALotLikeYou · 03/03/2023 00:05

I can understand you’re annoyed that he didn’t tell you. As you’ve said it’s out of character though, I’d be concerned that he’d had such a shit day that it meant he couldn’t get the train to come home.

Text can be shit when you’re not together and ones had a bad day at work and the other is left dealing with the issues with the kids. You sort of lose a bit of perspective and sight of what the other is dealing with when you’re away from each other often and don’t talk.

Hopefully tomorrow he’ll apologise and it’ll just be that he was overwhelmed with work and you can have a nice few days together again.

Your son sounds very, very sweet writing a list of all the things he wants to talk about with his dad.

JustKeepGoingThere · 03/03/2023 00:08

I'd be disappointed but I wouldn't be mad at him. I'd feel sorry for him.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/03/2023 00:25

I’m not sure that I followed the whole thing, but the rule in my house is if I don’t respond to a message/text/email assume I haven’t seen it.

If it’s critical call.

it sounds like he had a day like I have had where, yeah you register someone just texted you but there’s no way you’re going to get the chance to look until 6 hours later.

yeah you are being unreasonable.

Spectre8 · 03/03/2023 00:31

Um my first thought is something urgent or critical happened at work so he might not have known what time he would get back because didn't even know if he could. Hence why his later response is shit day at work.

This to me seems like the obvious situation

WandaWonder · 03/03/2023 02:31

This has happened a couple of times me with dh and I have probably done it to him, don't remember exactly but may have, the only reason I think I remember them is seen on a forum mention at the time

Yes annoying at the time but 5 mins later I move on, and I don't remember him having a problem with me doing it

I get things happen, life is not 100%the way it should be all the time

follyfoot37 · 03/03/2023 06:59

peachgreen · 02/03/2023 23:43

Tbh I wouldn’t be pissed off, I’d be suspicious.

Three responses in and we get the 'let's make the op feel insecure because her dh is bound to be a ba####d because that's men' response
Is that how you would feel if your oh had to work late?

Original poster
MyBloodyBrother · 03/03/2023 07:08

Thanks for the reassurance. I was annoyed last night but realise I shouldn’t have been. Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 03/03/2023 07:11

We don’t normally speak during the week but regularly WhatsApp and dc1 WhatsApps him and plays an online game with him on his phone during the week

So none of you speak to your DH whilst he is working away? Why is that?

Sirzy · 03/03/2023 07:13

had he actually seen the messages if he was busy?

it’s not ideal but it sounds like something big has come up so communication may have been harder

CheersForThatEh · 03/03/2023 07:15

I would be angry. He had time to reply to the other messages but not about timings. To me that implies he was dodging it. Keep your eyes and ears open for odd behaviour.

Original poster
MyBloodyBrother · 03/03/2023 07:17

Sirzy · 03/03/2023 07:13

had he actually seen the messages if he was busy?

it’s not ideal but it sounds like something big has come up so communication may have been harder

Yes he’s seen the messages and replied to them all, just hadn’t answered my query about whether he was still coming home.

OP posts:
LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 07:17

Depends. I would certainly be annoyed not to be updated.

Depending on how things were in general I'd also potentially be worried (is he ok) angry (if there were a pattern of pissing me about) or suspicious (if I had doubts about drinking/gambling/shagging).

Your feelings are valid. They are entirely personal and are contextual but you are allowed to have them.

picklemewalnuts · 03/03/2023 07:17

@MyBloodyBrother it's fine to be pissed off.

What I noticed was that when you're away it's easy to be slightly detached from the day to day of the people at home. You lose connection to the routines and so on, because you're caught up in what's going on under your own feet.

So you know, but it's not at the front of your mind to take it into account. It's like remembering the time zones when you're away.

Original poster
MyBloodyBrother · 03/03/2023 07:19

Crunchymum · 03/03/2023 07:11

We don’t normally speak during the week but regularly WhatsApp and dc1 WhatsApps him and plays an online game with him on his phone during the week

So none of you speak to your DH whilst he is working away? Why is that?

I don’t know, we just don’t. He often has to keep NY hours in his office so can’t make phone calls until later in the evening, by which time dc are in bed. We’ve always liked having a proper catch up on the night he gets home. We’ll occasionally call but normally just WhatsApp.

OP posts:
endoftheworldniteclub · 03/03/2023 07:56

My dh works away too. I agree with you. He couldn’t even be arsed sending you a quick text message. You’re the one who has to deal with the children’s disappointment, not him. Total lack of respect, it would have taken him 10 seconds to text.

Daffodilsandbeer · 03/03/2023 08:08

As it’s out of character and he’s telling uou it’s bad, I’d be supportive in this situation till I knew better what was going on.

peachgreen · 03/03/2023 08:10

follyfoot37 · 03/03/2023 06:59

Three responses in and we get the 'let's make the op feel insecure because her dh is bound to be a ba####d because that's men' response
Is that how you would feel if your oh had to work late?

Show quote history

With that lack of communication and avoidance of answering a simple question? Yes, probably. OP knows her DH so she can disregard my thoughts at will if it’s not something she’s concerned about!

ThinWomansBrain · 03/03/2023 08:10

Having had a busy day scheduled yesterday. then losing an hour to resolving a technical issue with a system & slow 'helpdesk', a couple of hours trying to rework something with a member of my team who'd run way overtime and produced a poor piece of work that didn't achieve what it should.... and working until 10pm - I sympathise with your DH.
A conversation might have worked better than text messages.