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AIBU?

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Original poster

How pissed off (if at all) would you be about this?

66 replies

MyBloodyBrother · 02/03/2023 23:37

DH normally works 4 days a week in the office, 1 day at home. He normally is at home Monday then at work Tuesday-Friday. Work is 200 miles from home so he gets the train up and has a flat near work. Train takes about 3 hours.

This week he went up on Monday as the train was running a slower route Tuesday and planned to come back tonight. He’d told dc’s he’d be back for when they wake up on Friday as his train doesn’t normally get him back until 11pmish. We don’t normally speak during the week but regularly WhatsApp and dc1 WhatsApps him and plays an online game with him on his phone during the week too.

In text conversation yesterday and today I asked him what time he’d be home today. Neither time he answered but I’d asked other questions too so I had no reason to think he wasn’t, he normally only tells me if time/ day has changed. I messaged him 10 mins ago asking if he’d got the later train. I struggle to sleep before he’s home because I can’t properly relax until the deadlock is on the door. He replied to say he’s still at work, he’s had a shit day and that he’d be back tomorrow evening instead.

I’m thoroughly pissed off. Not only did he not tell me he wasn’t coming home until I asked 3 times but tomorrow morning the DC will come bowling in to see him and he won’t be here. Dc2 gets so excited about him coming back and always has a little list he’s written of everything he wants to tell him/ ask him. If he’d told me sooner I could’ve managed expectations and it would be a lot less upsetting. The DC are still awake when the last train leaves London which he knows. I can understand him not having enough time to phone us but he doesn’t have the kind of job where he’s unable to use his phone to send a quick text.

He’s never done this before and it’s really out of character.

OP posts:
Abouttimemum · 03/03/2023 08:18

He should have called you. I can’t think of literally any reason why he couldn’t have called you to tell you he wasn’t coming home. I have a super stressful job and was late leaving last night but it took one minute to ring DH and tell him just to crack on with dinner / bedtime etc

Doingmybest12 · 03/03/2023 08:23

What ever hid reason YANBU to be annoyed by his poor communication.

itsjustnotok · 03/03/2023 08:28

@Abouttimemum i disagree. There will always be jobs where this might not be possible depending on what’s causing the lateness. DH was 2 hours late from work because he sat with a dying woman until her family arrived so she wasn’t alone. I would never expect him to send a text in that situation. I can imagine a few jobs where situations arise that make it difficult. It’s not always that straightforward.

ALittleBitAhAh · 03/03/2023 08:32

I wonder with the not answering the question - was he maybe holding out hope he would make the train so didn't want to start a discussion about not getting back. In case he did if that makes sense?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/03/2023 08:36

Actually I'd be annoyed and I'm.surprised at some of these responses.

Ok to not come home if something has come up at work. But its shit to respond to a load of messages but repeatedly ignore a question about when he is coming back and.i don't actually think there is a reasonable excuse for this. If he didnt know he should have responded saying that. I suspect he knew he wouldnt be coming home and would be letting the kids down and they wouldnt be happy and was burying his head in the sand about it instead of facing it

So yes I'd be annoyed if one quick text could have saved a lot of upset children and he just didnt bother

Abouttimemum · 03/03/2023 08:39

itsjustnotok · 03/03/2023 08:28

@Abouttimemum i disagree. There will always be jobs where this might not be possible depending on what’s causing the lateness. DH was 2 hours late from work because he sat with a dying woman until her family arrived so she wasn’t alone. I would never expect him to send a text in that situation. I can imagine a few jobs where situations arise that make it difficult. It’s not always that straightforward.

I’m happy to agree to disagree. Based on the information from OP it sounds like he had ample time to address the situation.

I’ve also sat with dying people / dealt with major incidents and been able to voice text ‘I’ll be late’ to DH. Sorry.

MargaretThursday · 03/03/2023 08:46

I'd assume that the lack of answering the initial message was simply that he wasn't sure how things are going.
Dh was working away a few weeks ago and said he'd probably be back Thursday. I messaged him Thursday morning to ask what sort of time (could be any time from early afternoon to early hours of Friday morning by past experience) and he didn't reply until late afternoon, and then he said it would be Friday afternoon.
That was because something had come up, and they didn't know how long it was going to take to fix it. He messaged when he had an idea of timing. If he'd messaged earlier, it would have been "don't know".

Dudum · 03/03/2023 09:35

If you were so sure he was coming home Thursday then why ask him 3 times if he was still coming home that day? You must've known it wasn't set in stone.

Yes I'd be pissed off that he ignored my question but you had your doubts so could've told the kids it wasn't 100% that he'd finish work in time.

Original poster
MyBloodyBrother · 03/03/2023 10:31

Dudum · 03/03/2023 09:35

If you were so sure he was coming home Thursday then why ask him 3 times if he was still coming home that day? You must've known it wasn't set in stone.

Yes I'd be pissed off that he ignored my question but you had your doubts so could've told the kids it wasn't 100% that he'd finish work in time.

I was more checking what time he’d be home. About 2/3 of the time he’ll get a train that gets him in after 11, if he’s not doing NY hours though he’ll get a train that gets him in at 9 and we’ll have dinner together. He has occasionally not come home for the days he’s supposed to be working from home but he’s always given me a couple of days notice in the past. I’m more annoyed that he was messaging me at a time when he knew he’d miss the last train as he was still in the office and didn’t give me that information despite the fact I’d asked for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBloodyBrother · 03/03/2023 10:34

itsjustnotok · 03/03/2023 08:28

@Abouttimemum i disagree. There will always be jobs where this might not be possible depending on what’s causing the lateness. DH was 2 hours late from work because he sat with a dying woman until her family arrived so she wasn’t alone. I would never expect him to send a text in that situation. I can imagine a few jobs where situations arise that make it difficult. It’s not always that straightforward.

I don’t doubt this and I’m sure there are times when in DHs job where it’s not possible to contact me for several hours at a time. The thing I’m annoyed at is that this wasn’t one of them. He was messaging me and reading my messages but not letting me know he wouldn’t be back. Even if he’d said “I’m super busy, not sure I’ll make the last train” at any point I wouldn’t have minded. It was only when it was past the time he’s normally home, I’m waiting to lock up and go to bed that he tells me he’s still 200 miles away.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 03/03/2023 10:49

I'd be pissed off too.

It would have been reasonable for him to message you at the point where he would have had to leave the office in time to catch the last train to let you know it wasn't happening. He didn't so you had to ask, and then ask another two times in order to get the answer that he wouldn't be home as planned.

I think it's reasonable to expect to know when he's landing, so you can work out if you're eating with him or not, and so you can organise your own time and the kids.

I think it's just basic consideration

Aprilx · 03/03/2023 10:55

MyBloodyBrother · 03/03/2023 07:17

Yes he’s seen the messages and replied to them all, just hadn’t answered my query about whether he was still coming home.

Show quote history

Maybe he just didn’t know because things weren’t going well.

To your question about how pissed off, I would be slightly annoyed, slightly disappointed, but that is all.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/03/2023 11:07

endoftheworldniteclub · 03/03/2023 07:56

My dh works away too. I agree with you. He couldn’t even be arsed sending you a quick text message. You’re the one who has to deal with the children’s disappointment, not him. Total lack of respect, it would have taken him 10 seconds to text.

The children aren't going to make it through life without a bit of disappointment here and there. Learning to handle it is actually good for them.

I really don't see the issue here, other than lack of empathy for the husband.

lazycats · 03/03/2023 11:08

peachgreen · 02/03/2023 23:43

Tbh I wouldn’t be pissed off, I’d be suspicious.

On Mumsnet all roads lead to 'he must having an affair'.

Motnight · 03/03/2023 11:13

I think that it is really odd that you don't actually speak during the time that your dh is away for work. That might be contributing to him feeling quite separate from his family a lot of the time.

starfishmummy · 03/03/2023 11:53

lazycats · 03/03/2023 11:08

On Mumsnet all roads lead to 'he must having an affair'.

Show quote history

I'm afraid I would be too. Years ago I worked in an environment where the majority of us were working away from home and had flats/house shares at the work end. The number of people having affairs was huge.

peachgreen · 03/03/2023 12:30

starfishmummy · 03/03/2023 11:53

I'm afraid I would be too. Years ago I worked in an environment where the majority of us were working away from home and had flats/house shares at the work end. The number of people having affairs was huge.

Show quote history

Same here, in three different organisations. Perhaps that's colouring our view? I was also (unbeknownst to me!) the other woman in a relationship like this. To be honest, despite the MN cliche, I rarely jump to "cheating". But this rang alarm bells, especially given OP and her DH don't talk while he's away. But again, my personal experiences will of course impact my opinions.

UdoU · 03/03/2023 12:43

starfishmummy · 03/03/2023 11:53

I'm afraid I would be too. Years ago I worked in an environment where the majority of us were working away from home and had flats/house shares at the work end. The number of people having affairs was huge.

Show quote history

Me too. Work doesn't prevent people from sending update texts.

Original poster
MyBloodyBrother · 03/03/2023 19:34

I’ve heard nothing from him all day and no idea if he’s coming home tonight now either.

OP posts:
mdinbc · 03/03/2023 21:30

Please keep us posted. Two days of no contact would have me worried.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/03/2023 21:38

I do think its inconsiderate to not reply to that question when asked repeatedly. He must have in some way been avoiding answering the question, given that he was responding to other messages. Not necessarily suspicious, it could easily just be that he didn't know which was it was going to go and didn't want to have to call it. But its insensitive and selfish.

I wouldn't be raging but I'd be quietly irritated and have a word. And keep an eye on it.

MySugarBabyLove · 03/03/2023 21:51

I’m with @peachgreen
You have the kind of relationship where you don’t communicate for the majority of the time, when you ask questions he’s evasive. I’ve known far too many people who have worked away from home who have been having affairs.

Lougle · 03/03/2023 22:17

I'd be annoyed, too, tbh.

piedbeauty · 03/03/2023 22:28

I hope he's ok, op. That sounds out of character for him.

PaigeMatthews · 03/03/2023 22:36

peachgreen · 03/03/2023 12:30

Same here, in three different organisations. Perhaps that's colouring our view? I was also (unbeknownst to me!) the other woman in a relationship like this. To be honest, despite the MN cliche, I rarely jump to "cheating". But this rang alarm bells, especially given OP and her DH don't talk while he's away. But again, my personal experiences will of course impact my opinions.

Show quote history

I cannot see who it can be anything other than he just doesn't give a shit tbh.

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