To really need help with what is going on when I pick son up from preschool

[Raiderofthebiscuittin]

My 3yr old DS has just started preschool and I’m having a nightmare with it. He is usually ok going in, but when I pick him up he screams blue murder, says he hates me, runs away, the staff have to physically lift him to me where he will be kicking and wriggling to get back in. Apparently he has a good time while there. His tantrums are a problem anyway but the ones since I’ve been picking him up from preschool are next level. Has anyone experienced this with their children? Please tell me it gets easier. I was literally wrestling with him for 40 minutes to get him in the actual car seat earlier no exaggeration. He was screaming the entire time. I was crying. It was mental. I have never heard of a kid doing this before, usually they skip out pleased to see their mums?!

Sounds like separation anxiety. He is angry with you for leaving him. Have talked to
him at a later time and asked him why he is upset when you pick him up?

I would shift your approach towards showing lots of empathy and focus on meeting his needs as much as possible when you're together. At pick up I wouldn't wrestle him for 40 mins I'd suggest going for a walk helping him regulate and feel safe again before trying the car.

It’s so strange. When I pick him up, he goes nuts. We get home, he’s fine and back to wanting a cuddle/wanting to play etc.
Similarly when I talk about “going to preschool” he will protest loudly he doesn’t want to go, but is clearly having enough of a good time he doesn’t want to leave and actually kicks off spectacularly when I arrive. It’s distressing for both of us him being in that state and practically it’s ridiculous- 40mins to get him into a car seat! Even more so when I do have other children that I need to race around picking up.

Sounds like a transition issue. Suddenly he’s leaving pre school world and re entering mummy and home world. He also then remembers that he’s not been at home / with you all morning. And he’s tired, it all overwhelms him. Not very nice for you but nothing to worry about. Stay calm, bright and breezy, don’t act like it’s a huge deal. Also ask the staff to work with you to prepare him for going home.

This sounds like a little boy at my daughter's preschool. So unless you're his mum you can be sure you're not alone in this.

What is he like with transitions in general? How do they handle the transition from school to home time?

I could be that he needs a longer lead into the home time routine

It's usually mega tiredness and just overwhelm. My daughter did this but more like she'd get in the car ok then start crying and arguing with me about nothing and everything. It was worse in the summer when she was hot and bothered and overwhelmed. She then was fine from 4ish til she went to school at nearly 5. Then year R was a nightmare, she was so tired each day but again after the first couple of terms she settled fine.
Absolutely fine now in year 1. Just grab him, give him a massive hug for about 5 mins before you talk or reason with him or try and get him in the car. Bring a treat snack or his favourite toy etc.
Distraction and extra love seemed to help my daughter.

Could he be tired?

Mine used to have massive tantrums not quite at pick up but about 2 minutes out of the door. Then post tantrum she’d fall asleep in the buggy (we had a long walk home). Turned out she has a medical issue causing tiredness and was absolutely wiped out by pick up time. She was also a very early waker.

yeah hes a very bad sleeper/wakes very early (4.30am!!!! Every day!!!) so tiredness and generally being overwhelmed by his new surroundings could well play a part, but again what I can’t get my head around is why he is acting so angrily with me - sure, be tired etc, obviously kids can get tearful when tired but the absolute rage he shows me at pickup time is genuinely shocking me (and as mentioned I’m very used to him kicking off very regularly but this is next level)

Because he’s been holding it together till you get there and your arrival is the sign he is “home” and can let go. It’s a compliment in a twisted way!! Some kids (including my DD) get ragey rather than tearful when exhausted.

4.30 - yikes that’s even earlier than DD was! Does he nap? Try driving round the block a few extra times and see if he falls asleep? He might be waking early due to overtiredness in which case extra naps should help.

Can you put him on half days for a while? Then it's a shorter time and he's less tired. At some point when he's calm spend time talking about preschool and how he feels about it. Ask him why he's angry at home time.
It's probably because he doesn't want you to leave him there - especially as that's actually what he's said already! He's having some trouble getting used to going. I think you need to validate his feelings - don't tell him he's going to have a great time but say that you understand that he does not want to go and ask him what would make it better - maybe there's a special toy he can take, a teacher can give him a job to do, a treat afterwards?

You're misinterpreting his behaviour. It's not that he doesn't want to leave the preschool - it's that he's angry with you for leaving him all day and he's also really tired and it's coming out in this way. However much a 3 year old loves preschool, I think the vast majority would rather still be with mum on some level, even more so when it's a new setting

He is actually only doing half days at the moment while he settles in; he is due to start full days in a couple of weeks when I am back at work. Due to him waking so early he does still need a morning nap but not sure his preschool will be able to accommodate this. Genuinely on my knees with the constant neverending lack of sleep/early wakeups, constant meltdowns - can this behaviour honestly be explained as typical toddler behaviour? Every other kid his age I see seems to be so much calmer, more able to follow instructions and doesn’t start screaming and beating the shit out of their mum for 40mins at pickup time

I had this when my DS was about 2 and a half and I had just had another baby. I felt awful, I couldn't understand why, and also worried that the nursery staff might think I am not a good mum or even worse, i do something to him. Always screaming his way out of nursery, wresting to put him in the car seat until I was sweating 😓
One day it was so bad, the girls had to call the nursery manager. She just sat him down on a chair and just told him in a firm voice:
You will now put your shoes on, go to the car with mummy, get in the car nicely etc.. and he did just as he was told like in a trance.
And I started doing the same since, and it just worked. Maybe knowing what was coming just helped him 🤷‍♀️

Mine love nursery (genuinely, we've had tears when they've had to stay home from both) but can be utter nightmares at pickup, generally because they're tired and hungry. The other 22 hours a day they're bullet proof in terms of not going in the road but at 5pm are determined to run into traffic it seems.

Have you tried giving him a snack?

My son is a bit younger but you should see me trying to get my son out of nursery at home time. You'd think having two older children and being a nursery nurse I'd be able to get him out without the tantrums, screaming, throwing himself on the floor, running away from me but I can't.
It's become he's shattered and it's full on day (plus he's just given up his afternoon nap). It's going to be the same for your son. We also have a little boy who runs away from dad at pick up. So some children just react this way.
Just like you when he gets home he wants cuddles. He will get better and hard as is, try not to show him you're upset. He's dealing with some big feelings and reacting to them with you because he feels safe with you.

Tiredness and also being good at nursery. It’ll get better.

Try giving him a drink and a snack immediately at pick up time. I was an Early Years teacher for many years (a long time ago!), and tantrums at home time often occurred. Many children are hungry, thirsty and tired at the end of the session. Try not to ask questions eg "Who did you play with?", " Did you do any painting today?" etc, until they have had time to recover (which could take a little time).

You have my sympathy, my eldest DS was like this - not quite as dramatic but refusal to come with me, pain in the arse behaviour. It was so hard! He is 7 now and I think has ASD so I’m assuming for him it was a transition issue. My DS2 is more as described above, the after school restraint collapse, but is still happy enough to see me on pick up.

For my eldest, what worked weirdly was being one of the last to collect. I think it helped me be relaxed as it meant we wouldn’t have an audience, and also I think because the other DC were all gone, staying was less appealing for DS so he’d come with me more willingly. He’s been fine since starting school so I hope it passes quickly for you too, he’s always moody looking and never ecstatic to see me but to be fair he’s probably shattered.

An emotional release from a child is the same as an adult getting home from a long day at work and having a glass of wine. Children have no other tools to wind down from an intense day than just having a melt down. They grow out of it eventually don't worry.

I had exactly this in 1980 with my then two year old. I'd get to the car and she'd run back and bang on the doors to beg to be let in. Of course she can't remember it now, but it was mortifying until the staff said loads of the kids did it. I think they were just being kind to me, it was only my kid really.

You left him.
You are his safe place.
You are his home.

Perhaps deregister him from preschool and look at stay and play options such as forest school. Once he's 5 or 6 he maybe more interested in longer times away from you.

That's not very helpful is it? She's about to go back to work. No doubt needs to pay the bills.

My DD was exactly like this after a day at pre-school (part of the primary school.) I’ll never forget once a nice student had to help me carry her to the car as I couldn’t move her, having DD2 in a sling (she had been having a melt down outside the school gates for 40 mins +). The meltdowns were a regular occurrence, anger at me and kicking etc.
It’s so awful. As others say it’s exhaustion from keeping it together all day and he’s an early riser/adjusting to it all.
I would let teacher know, sometimes they helped us and encouraged her to keep walking with mummy.

It definitely will get better. Def snack/comfort thing to watch on your phone if it works.
It sounds like he’s in that overtired stress routine, my DD does this and it’s a vicious cycle.
But can you prolong half days if he is finding this exhausting and still needs a nap?

DD is now 6 and we mostly walk to/from school chatting happily like the “normal” kids i used to envy! But she has struggled at other times than this, normally just one term really bad. (I’ve often wondered if she has some Adhd as the behaviours and overtiredness/lack of sleep do feel more extreme than others. But school always say she’s brilliant so I just end up just being the punch bag at times.)

Sending hugs it’s so hard. maybe a gro clock regime as sounds like he’s waking in his final light sleep cycle and needs to drift back again ? (tho intermittent success with these personally). I’m sure he’ll mature into it by summer, good luck x

OP, although it will make the day longer, I think a 10 minute walk while feeding him a snack might help.

Look up the shaken Coke bottle effect.

My DC is 10 now and I still park deliberately far from school!