To really need help with what is going on when I pick son up from preschool

[Raiderofthebiscuittin]

My 3yr old DS has just started preschool and I’m having a nightmare with it. He is usually ok going in, but when I pick him up he screams blue murder, says he hates me, runs away, the staff have to physically lift him to me where he will be kicking and wriggling to get back in. Apparently he has a good time while there. His tantrums are a problem anyway but the ones since I’ve been picking him up from preschool are next level. Has anyone experienced this with their children? Please tell me it gets easier. I was literally wrestling with him for 40 minutes to get him in the actual car seat earlier no exaggeration. He was screaming the entire time. I was crying. It was mental. I have never heard of a kid doing this before, usually they skip out pleased to see their mums?!

What a brilliant idea. I can't imagine why the OP hasn't already thought of it.

I agree he is probably tired and hungry. Give him a snack immediately when you pick him up. I would also ask nursery if they can make sure to start preparing him for home time in advance so that he is prepared for going home in good time.

Good luck. It won't be for ever!

Thankyou for all your replies. His key worker is going to start a home time countdown with him to see if it helps and I’m going to go armed with his favourite treats to see if I can tempt him into the car without getting a boot to the chops 😂

sorry also - to those who have mentioned autism, do you think this sounds like an autistic trait or typical just turned 3 year old?

Honestly I don’t think you can tell just from this. It could just be down to his early waking and being new to pre school which makes him extra tired. You’d have to wait and see if any other signs emerge.

FWIW my DD was like this but doesn’t have autism although we did consider it for a while. She does however have a different condition.

@Raiderofthebiscuittin he might grow out of it, he might not, the good news is it can be managed the same right now - I would try all the tips above (apart from the not going to work bit, not helpful).

Something I find helpful with my DS who gets overwhelmed at transitions is to ignore what he's doing and calmly talk about his favourite TV show/book/lunch and how we're going to do it when we get home, he's a bit older though, might not work so well with a younger one.

I had lots of concerns about autism with my daughter due to her many off the scale tantrums, issues with daily tasks like refusing the toilet, getting dressed, clean teeth etc, and just generally nightmarish behaviour at times, usually due to being really emotional or tired. I noted it with the HV and because of her age (it was between 2 and 3 at it's worst) she felt it was all normal, and also because it was only happening with me, and not with dad or at nursery she said she'd expect it to be all the time if it was autism.
The only thing nursery did notice was difficulty with transitions - so getting her to come away from one task or play to do something else. They started doing more of a countdown to this too, and it really helped. It's also helped at home - telling her what's going to happen in advance and giving a bit of a countdown, and also we've tried a little visual calender which helped.

Now she's 3.5 and everything is so much better, we still get the tantrums and refusals but it just seems to be when she's tired, so I'm less concerned.

I haven't put it totally out of my mind and will ask them to monitor at school as she'll only just be 4, but I think some toddlers can just be more emotional than others or more sensitive to change. My daughter also is just awful when she's tired, and when she moved rooms she stopped napping suddenly so I think that was a huge part of it. I don't think that answers your question but hopefully might help? Give it a bit more time and see how he goes.

My autistic child did this, but he also had a long list of other stuff. I wouldn’t take it as an autistic thing if it’s your only concern.

For mine it was mostly a transition thing - he hated going in to nursery and he hated going back out! He did get used to it. It helped him to have an object to take from one thing to the next - he borrowed a different book to bring home every day from the nursery library, then he brought it back the next morning. I don’t know why being responsible for the transfer of an object helped, but somehow it did! A countdown helped, as did the drop off and pick up being consistent- I brought the same snack, I stood in the same spot on the playground, the same staff member always took him from me and brought him back out. It improved as he relaxed and found being at nursery easier, there was less built up stress.

DD is NT and used to cry like someone was trying to murder her when I went to pick her up. She did struggle with transition which is normal in small children. We made a huge thing about how she can go to nursery have fun when she’s there and then I will always always come pick her up.

Can you as a staff member to tell him ten minutes before hometime that you will be arriving soon to pick him up? DD just needed notice and to be told what was happening, we had the same problem when she wasn’t at nursery, leaving any place was hard until we realised she needed to be notified that a change was coming up or we were moving onto the next thing now.

My 7yo has been like this since nursery. He is diagnosed with autism and the main difficulty for him is around transitions. I'm not suggesting your son is autistic, plenty of kids without autism still struggle with transitions. For my boy, it becomes his routine to have a meltdown in certain situations, like it's just "what he does" at that time. We've been through many of them over the years. The only thing I've found that reliably works, is to break the habit. So for example, in reception he went through a stage of having a meltdown at home time every day. Staff would send the kids to get their coats etc, back to the classroom to put them on and get ready to go home, at this point he would throw all his stuff (broke 3 water bottles in 3 days) and go under the table screaming. So, between myself and school, we agreed that for the next few days I would collect him from the office 15 minutes early. After that he was able to go back to the usual pick up without any problems. I've done variations on this so many times. The most recent was only a week or two ago. He'd got into the habit of kicking off at transition from school to after school club every day. His behaviour became dangerous so they were calling me to collect him early. I withdrew him from after school club for a week, then drew up a plan with him to go back for shorter periods, with his ear defenders and book in his bag so he could have quiet time, and a reward in place at the end of the week if all went well. Worked a treat and he's now back in after school club and happy. It's a case of changing something about that routine to make it different, therefore not the same as the situation he's struggling with. Does that make sense? I've tried different times, taking someone like grandma to pick up, different exits, calling ahead so they can prepare him that it's nearly time to go etc. It's required some flexibility from my employer at times, but well worth it.

I'd also take a snack like others have said, and maybe give him a visual timetable so he can check what's happening next. Cover all bases!

It's so hard, you have my sympathy. There have been times recently when it's taken me and 2 members of staff to get him safely to the car. Good luck.

Sorry for the essay!

@Raiderofthebiscuittin my daughter did this every time I collected her from nursery at 4 yrs old. It was awful! She’s 10 now and you might say she is at times quirky and sensitive but not diagnosed with anything. They are all different!

It could be autism but it's not my first thought. My DD is autistic and I think my son is too although he hasn't been diagnosed (too young). Autism is a massive spectrum but to me it sounds like a tired little boy.
Not everything is down to autism. I'd have a chat to the Senco at nursery, they will be able to tell you if they think there are concerns (obviously they won't say he is or isn't autistic but they will say if they have any concerns). And once you have mentioned it they will keep an eye on him but I don't think it sounds like autism.

Because he's kept all of those feelings inside whilst he's been at preschool, then let's go of them when you arrive. You are his 'safe place ' and he knows he can let rip with his emotions with you and knows how he'll react whereas he doesn't feel that he can do that at school.
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My son did this (more notably early on in primary school), he is diagnosed autistic. Waking early and being a poor sleeper is common with ADHD.
Does your son show any sensory issues? - for example my sons disliked hand dryers, hoovers and hair dryers. Or were overwhelmed at parties.