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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really need help with what is going on when I pick son up from preschool

65 replies

Raiderofthebiscuittin · 01/03/2023 20:12

My 3yr old DS has just started preschool and I’m having a nightmare with it. He is usually ok going in, but when I pick him up he screams blue murder, says he hates me, runs away, the staff have to physically lift him to me where he will be kicking and wriggling to get back in. Apparently he has a good time while there. His tantrums are a problem anyway but the ones since I’ve been picking him up from preschool are next level. Has anyone experienced this with their children? Please tell me it gets easier. I was literally wrestling with him for 40 minutes to get him in the actual car seat earlier no exaggeration. He was screaming the entire time. I was crying. It was mental. I have never heard of a kid doing this before, usually they skip out pleased to see their mums?!

OP posts:

DramaLlama20 · 01/03/2023 22:11

Nowthenhere · 01/03/2023 21:55

You left him.
You are his safe place.
You are his home.

Perhaps deregister him from preschool and look at stay and play options such as forest school. Once he's 5 or 6 he maybe more interested in longer times away from you.

What a massively dick-ish thing to say!!!

BlackeyedSusan · 01/03/2023 22:22

Try:
feeding him as soon as he is with you. We needed glucose tablets, then biscuits, then complex carbs at home. Fed mine on the playground before leaving.

Exercise. A quick walk back to the car with him having a heavyish backpack may help

Tight hug. (Beware of being scratched in the face, head butted hair pulled, kicked bitten or hit. ) I found sideways across your body face out (prevents biting)restraining arms. Keep legs away from other people, they can kick into space. You may get headbutted on the arm but that hurts a lot less than being headbutted in the face.

Rocking, one direction is calming.

Look up OT exercises that are calming and do every day at home.

Look up Yvonne Newbold

Consider autism.

They eventually get better at self regulation....it may take a decade...

Jesko · 01/03/2023 22:24

I would totally love bomb him.

Instead of fighting him into the seat, why not just bring a snack and a book or something, and sit him in the passenger seat for ten minutes while you chat about your respective days. Maybe just that then will slow the transition for him and put you both into a less stressed or confrontational dynamic.

Howtohideasausage · 01/03/2023 22:28

My son did this at nursery (and still does at school in Reception). He’s got a diagnosis of autism. I’ve no advice really except is there anything else going on? I was bruised yesterday from trying to get him out the building.

Soapyghosts · 01/03/2023 22:30

Seriously get him assessed for Autism. My DS was like this. Struggled with trtransitions. Meltdowns after schoo. Never slept. He is autistic.

Brenna24 · 01/03/2023 22:33

I second what others have said about exhaustion and decompressing with his safe person. I have not much advice other than loads of love and understanding and loads of "I know you feel tired and overwhelmed after a fun day but we need to get to the car now", plus a few minutes of wind down time in the car.

With regards to the getting up early maybe get a Groclock and start him off with it set to 5am, then 5.15 etc until he is sleeping in until a sensible time in the morning.

BlackeyedSusan · 01/03/2023 22:33

Does he go stiff in the car seat like a board? If so tickle him in the middle and he will collapse into it. You then hold him down gently across the hips, while fastening the straps with the other hand.

This after you've tried offering him a choice of climbing in himself or you lifting him in.

And remove any weapons (books toys that may cause damage)

And I am afraid you might not get back to work full time at least. I never made it back to work due to the kids disabilities, now mine have kicked in as well.

Lucy7890 · 01/03/2023 22:33

@Soapyghosts I second autism assessment

Pinkpinkpuff · 01/03/2023 22:42

Sounds awful, could you pick him up with his favourite teddy or snack. Might distract him enough to get him out and to the car.

Curtainsorblinds · 01/03/2023 22:43

Restraint collapse. Totally normal and does get better as they get used to it - this does seem a heightened version so may be worth a check in with the pre school teachers and or health visitor re autism screening

ArtixLynx · 01/03/2023 22:45

my son used to do this as a 3yo when he first started going to nursery.. we split the 15 hours over 3 afternoons.

He's since been diagnosed with Autism and looking back, i think it was a mx of difficulty with transition, and overwhelm/tiredness/overstimulation.

disneycastles · 01/03/2023 22:45

We had this for a while and the biggest thing that helped was that I did my best to turn up at exactly the same time every day (getting there early and sitting in the car) and asked the nursery staff to count down a bit- "ten minutes until mummy", "5 minutes until mummy", "better get your coat now". I think it was the abruptness of suddenly having to stop what you're doing and leave that was hard, so thjs helped a lot. Like yours, he wasn't that keen on going in in the mornings either and then didn't want to go home! I agree with the interpretation that he's suddenly remembering how much he's missed you- that's what I told myself anyway!

PennyRa · 01/03/2023 22:46

Are there any other concerning behaviours?

Bluebirds1987 · 01/03/2023 22:49

Sorry I haven't RTFT but my daughter does this. She's only 18 months, but she skips in happily, had a lovely time there, all smiles, then as soon as I pick her up she's a screeching banshee running away from me, arching and thrashing so I can't get her in the car seat etc.
I've found that she's just immensely tired after her day at nursery and I put it down to her holding in her emotions until I pick her up, because I'm her "safe" person and she can let it all go around me. Obviously it's shit because it's a nightmare, but I try to give her a drink and a snack and then get her to bed ASAP.

I also have a 3 year old and she's similar that she struggles with lots of heightened emotions and tantrums, made worse when she's tired. Slightly different but when she started preschool (she was already in nursery, just moved rooms) I was late to work for weeks on end because she would just be an absolute nightmare, refusing to get ready, refusing to get out of the car - the staff had to come out into the car park and peel her off the floor at one point because I couldn't carry both the youngest plus her into the doors!

I think it was just the big change - a change of routine, a lot of tiredness, overwhelm. It got better within a few weeks and soon she was just loving it.

The youngest still cries a lot at pick up, not every day but when she does I always find she's just super super tired and she goes to bed early.

FergussSingsTheBlues · 01/03/2023 22:49

My son was like this.
plus didn’t sleep and generally poor with transitions - autistic.

lavenderlove · 01/03/2023 22:52

I would speak to the preschool staff and ask if they can support him with the transition from preschool to home. They could show him a visual timetable of the day starting from breakfast all the way to the last activity. Then he knows he goes home after snack time or after playing outside for example - they can remind him of the structure throughout the day. If he is engrossed in an activity or doesn't feel he's "finished" when you turn up that can be really difficult as he wasn't expecting it. When you pick him up try to stay neutral in your emotions as even 'positive' emotions such as being excited to see him might feel too much for him at that moment x

Jamieleecurtain · 01/03/2023 23:01

Is he nearly 4 or only just 3? What does he say when calm and you ask him why he behaves like that? Any hint of SEN? ADHD can cause sleep issues.

samqueens · 01/03/2023 23:08

Lots of good advice here, but second a PP saying take a snack (bananas are your friend!)

Also, if he wakes that early and is only doing half days without a morning nap, the chances are he is on his knees exhausted. Presume he has lunch there and then you collect him and he goes home for a nap? But if so you’re collecting him at peak exhaustion. I found taking a favourite toy with me and distracting my DS with helped (changed it up daily with little pocket sized cars and trains from home). You might find it actually gets easier when he is doing full days as presumably he will be having a post lunch nap there and will be a bit fresher when you collect at the end of the day than he is after being awake for nearly 8 hours straight at lunchtime!

good luck x

Tumbleweed101 · 01/03/2023 23:13

It's quite common for children to completely change as soon as parents arrive for pick up. Running away, refusing to go home, won't put on shoes/coats, demand comfort objects they haven't even thought of all day. It's as if they can be the baby again now mum/dad is there even though they've been grown up all day.

GrowingBoy · 01/03/2023 23:14

I posted similar when my son was between 2 and 3. It was horrendous, and I cried more than once! I just want to report that it passed eventually!

We had similar again when he started school for the first term. He'd come home and be awful, screaming and shouting. Again it passed and he's lovely now. I think he's a sensitive soul and takes it all in during the day and has to lash out at the end of it. It's a good sign he chooses to do this around you, you're his safe place. DS is thriving now, no issues whatsoever.

Good luck!

OffCycling · 01/03/2023 23:15

BlackeyedSusan · 01/03/2023 22:22

Try:
feeding him as soon as he is with you. We needed glucose tablets, then biscuits, then complex carbs at home. Fed mine on the playground before leaving.

Exercise. A quick walk back to the car with him having a heavyish backpack may help

Rocking, one direction is calming.

Look up OT exercises that are calming and do every day at home.

Look up Yvonne Newbold

Consider autism.

They eventually get better at self regulation....it may take a decade...

Absolutely this. My daughter was similar in year R. The penny finally dropped that she's autistic aged 18. She's still undiagnosed, age 20.

Deadringer · 01/03/2023 23:19

When I worked in a preschool we had a little lad like this, we would make sure he was one of the last to be collected, then one of the staff would bring him out to the car and put him in his seat, never a peep out of him. It might not work and might not be practical in your ds's setting anyway but thought I would mention it.

cleanmyfridge · 01/03/2023 23:19

My ds did this but I think it's to do with tiredness and having to follow rules all day which is also tiring so they bottle up those feelings all day until you, the safe place arrives to pick him up then he releases all his feelings and emotions all in one go. We've had this the other day where after crying for 15 mins he told me that he got told off for throwing sand at his friends face and he is sad that the teacher told him to stop doing that.

Myotherusernameisshy · 01/03/2023 23:35

Yep, one of mine used to attack me on a regular basis at pick up from nursery and reception. He's now at secondary school and awaiting assessment for autism too.
I used to tell him I had a snack in the car and then hand it to him as I lifted him into the seat which usually gave me enough time to fasten his belt. Or I would let him choose a toy in the morning to sit in his car seat while he was in nursery - did the same job because he would pick it up and be distracted by it. If I could get him restrained in his car seat he would often be okay. If we started 'negotiating' in the nursery cloakroom about going home I was doomed!!

Triflenot · 01/03/2023 23:38

I was going to add a contribution, but having read responses, I think it’s all covered.
How lovely to see a kind supportive thread.

Best of luck OP

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