To be fed up of constant anxiety about dead people

[StarDolphins]

My nearly 7 yo seems full of anxiety at the minute. The latest thing is because a clip showed up in suggested vids on YouTube & it was so f Adalia Rose. Before that it was about our lovely family elderly friend that died (Bill). Bill might come to the window, what if Adalia Rose comes in the house etc. It’s Adalia Roses face that’s caused the issue, even though I’ve sat for literally hours explaining she just looks different & wass still a lovely little girl the same as her.

For the past couple of months my DD follows me EVRYWHERE & it’s so draining. Waiting for her to put her shoes on so I can nip to the bin 1m away outside! To the loo, to get my charger, absolutely everywhere. She will not stay sat in lounge for 10 seconds.

Shes scared that Adalia Rose will come in & either bite her, fight with her, ‘make her dead’ or take our dog. The panic on her face.

I have said many times ‘I I understand you’re worried etc & it must be hard but what do you think she will do if she comes in the house’ then she repeats the above & I do t know what to say as we go round in circles. I’ve tried reassuring her that as a grown up I know people cant come back from the dead, whilst recognising she’s obviously genuinely worried.

Shes totally fine if she’s with me but it’s so incredibly tiring & the reason for my post now is that I’ve just got so frustrated with her, I got cross & said ‘goodness me, I’ve told you so many times I know it won’t happen ot just won’t happen’. Rushing to get ready for Rainbows, the dogs barking at the door, I knocked a cup over, nipped upstairs to get a towel, she’s following me hysterically dropping crisps on the stairs saying “Adalia rose might come”😢

And now I’ve dropped her off & I feel awful & sad. I know I have not dealt with it right today AT ALL.

what do you think she will do if she comes in the house

You should NOT be saying anything like this. It makes it seem like a possibility that she could come in the house. You need to shut it down earlier in the imagined scenario and tell her it’s impossible for her to come into the house because she is dead. You shouldn’t be making your daughter imagine what could happen if she did come in the house. How is that helping her? It will make it worse for her.

I know this now! I tried every approach from she won’t come back, dead people can’t ever come back (which had no effect at all) to ok, I acknowledge it’s a fear so what do you think she will do etc to then trying the ‘I’ll call the police’ type response s.

I’m trying my best!

This is really interesting. I too have been diagnosed with OCD and intrusive thoughts and ADHD later in life and had very similar fears over objectively not scary things I randomly saw as a kid. I was also really scared of death- like obsessively, pathologically- for ages at about @StarDolphins daughters age. Definitely not a YouTube problem, I was terrified of AIDS because it was on the news. Never saw a "scary" AIDS patient even, and was too young to be upset by the "tombstone" ads, it was just the objective facts. Terrified me for years and I was convinced I had it from injections etc.

That sounds so stressful for you & your son.

Things at school are the worst aren’t they. My DD mentioned something that she’d heard a boy talk about called siren head & something else so I looked & they’re not good!

@StarDolphins I'll probably get shouted down for this but it helped with two of mine.......... Bach's flower remedies, there is one called 'mimulus' which is for anxiety. I didn't let them know I was giving it them, slipped it in their juice, so it wasn't a placebo which people often say about Bach's flower remedies. Worth a try for a few pounds and can't do any harm🌸

I think just stop talking about the girl completely. Instead acknowledge the feeling of fear itself (rather than the reason for it). Say things like "it must be scary to feel like that" and let her talk but don't be drawn into trying to solve the issue yourself with any specifics such as calling the police or talking about dead people etc. Ask your daughter what would make her feel better. If she can come up with her own solution it will help her feel in control. I remember at that age being terrified of vampire bats. The fact that they don't exist in the UK was not at all reassuring. You can't reason these things away. But it will help if she knows you aren't scared and are willing to listen.

@thefamous5 @IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook sorry I missed this. Very interesting & I too remember these twins very well. I need to keep an eye on this situation then, I wouldn’t like this to be a cause for further issues in the future for her to deal with. I’m sorry you’ve both been through this. Thank you.

PS whilst we want to take away all fears & make our kids happy it literally just isn’t possible to the extent that our kids won’t have any big existential fears as they grow up. Isn’t childhood all about learning how to wrestle with, manage & make sense of all the big primal emotions with fear being a very real & large one of them? Fear of the dark, fear of strangers, fear of bad things, fear of separation, fear of abandonment, etc.

OP also I don’t know what your DD understands about the concept of death & dying so this unfortunate case of the girl she saw also died & so that’s another huge & terrifying concept for a child to process & even really as adults we struggle with it all too.

So don’t be too hard on yourself - you sound like you’re a great mum & are trying everything to do your absolute best for your DD. I don’t think things however that things scare kids & then stop - they will happen all along the way. I mean at the root of it is that she’s scared she’ll be taken away from you by this little girl/& or die too whilst being terrified of a frightening image that shocked her. So being clingy is while her fears of separation are heightened & when she learns to tolerate these anxieties /fears better she will act more secure. But some kids never learn to sleep with the light off, or the door open or will always fear the dark. It’s only natural her fears are heightened at night because again when it’s dark we are most vulnerable - in an evolutionary primal way - we are defenceless while we sleep & so our fight/flight responses are heightened & we are unknowingly primed for danger (to a degree!) Just keep reassuring, cuddling, teaching her to self soothe & don’t worry if she’s over it yet. It will take time. But you’re doing great.

What about working on the experience of anxiety itself? Help her understand what anxiety is - it's her body's fire alarm going off as her brain is thinking there is danger / threat nearby - her fire alarm will go off regardless of whether it's real or perceived danger - it's just her body's way of trying to keep her safe - it literally hijacks the body, as if there was real danger it's getting you ready for fight or flight! One strategy could be for her to talk back to her fire alarm -- thanks fire alarm for trying to keep me safe but I'm ok / I am safe / nothing is here -- and switch her focus to trying to turn the fire alarm off e.g. some calm breathing / counting to 10.

I think it's important for kids to realize that anxiety is normal and everyone experiences it if we think there's danger looming but also it's important to recognize that sometimes anxiety fires off when the danger isn't there and we need to work on bringing this intense feeling down.

No idea why that text is crossed out! Wasn't intentional!

Because she’s a little girl with very little understanding of rare genetic diseases?

Op you have had some great advice.

Only thing I would add, sorry if I have missed it, is pop kids YouTube on and delete youtube.

You create the profile, set the exact things she can see, and zero adverts.

Yes thank you, that exactly what my plan is.

At bedtime this evening, I was jolly & playing our usual bedtime game & she stopped & said “mummy, today when I was thinking Adalia Rose might come in to school, I waited until playtime to play with Indi & it went out of my head”.

So I apologised for not being the best Mummy earlier, but that she could always come to me & I will always be here to listen to her worries.

From tomorrow, I’m not going to blur it with my previous overtalking & clasping at all different approaches. I will acknowledge & sympathise & what you’ve said “what do you think will make you feel better” but I’m not going to go into Adalia Rose again, if I need to reassure her, I will be generic “no one can ever come back from the dead” then listen & move on.

So many screen shots on my phone!

Would she like a magic talisman to wear to keep her safe?
Like a St Christopher, or something?

Thank you, YouTube is deleted now. YouTube kids I will let her watch but only for her 45 mins!

I’m going to order a couple of kids anxiety/worry books I think anyway. Just might help as she does seem a bit generally worried (to a much lesser extent) by things so I guess it can’t do any harm!

i don’t have anxiety but her Dad does (undiagnosed but he definitely has some form of OCD/anxiety imo) so he might be able to help a bit too.

I have on occasion said ‘ooh I hope she does come, she would be welcome here to play with us” but again I’m just not sure what I even should be doing so mostly I just spend ages asking her questions & blindly trying to reassure her!

Surely you can see that saying no one can come back and then that you hope she does come back are conflicting messages?

She had a ‘magic crystal’ that we got that I said ‘brings good luck’ but I’m wary of getting anything that ‘protects’ her as I don’t want her to think she needs protecting from anything bad because I actually don’t want her to think there’s anything bad!

what do you think?

Read whole thread. Lots of good advice.
The power of love and cuddles and a little bit of humour and a nice thing to distract/break off after a bit of time spent on the fear are all invaluable.

Keep it simple. Don't validate her fears by elaborating on them.

Weather it's worrying about killer lamp shades, vampires, bears or creepy cookoo clocks (my one!) - the same thing. Lots of patience and:

Nothings going to hurt you my darling. It's just your imagination. Everyone gets funny fears sometimes. Everything is just fine. Mummy loves you! ((hugs and happyness))

Yes I can, which is why I have (at least 5 times) since said I’ve been contradicting myself by being all over the place.

Thank you, this is just totally lovely! And very helpful! My usual way & humour is very much a part of daily life.

I’ve just messed up on this situation but I’ve had some amazing advice & I will do better for her.

Why don't you ask her?
You can get little guardian angels made of glass on ebay for under £10.
Could go in her pocket or on the windowsill.
Yes, this poor young girl cannot hurt anyone, but that doesn't stop your DD being afraid.
Many years ago I did some training about hearing voices. The instructor talked about someone who was 'told' by his voices that he would be safe if he stood inside a circle of talc on the floor. Obviously not practical. Solution - talc in his shoes.
What I'm saying is follow her logic, not yours.

Very interesting, thank you! Going to screen shot this & read it again when I can take it in but makes so much sense.

Yes I understand. She would probably like this. She has a worry box that seems to help, thank you, I will ask her.

I understand why a child would find Adalia appearance frightening which is a shame because like you say she was a lovely little girl.

Sorry op, I wouldn't know what to do either. It's sad she's made her into a monster but I guess you can only explain that she was a little girl like she is but was very poorly and that well she doesn't know where you live so possibly couldn't come and get her.

Oh thank you!😊 I understand & agree. Will keep coming back to read!

Gosh it’s actually really hard being a parent!

My 20’s/early 30’s life of only being responsible for myself & my cat, only worrying about what I was going to wear on my weekend nights out! to now having to get this big thing right!