To be fed up of constant anxiety about dead people

[StarDolphins]

My nearly 7 yo seems full of anxiety at the minute. The latest thing is because a clip showed up in suggested vids on YouTube & it was so f Adalia Rose. Before that it was about our lovely family elderly friend that died (Bill). Bill might come to the window, what if Adalia Rose comes in the house etc. It’s Adalia Roses face that’s caused the issue, even though I’ve sat for literally hours explaining she just looks different & wass still a lovely little girl the same as her.

For the past couple of months my DD follows me EVRYWHERE & it’s so draining. Waiting for her to put her shoes on so I can nip to the bin 1m away outside! To the loo, to get my charger, absolutely everywhere. She will not stay sat in lounge for 10 seconds.

Shes scared that Adalia Rose will come in & either bite her, fight with her, ‘make her dead’ or take our dog. The panic on her face.

I have said many times ‘I I understand you’re worried etc & it must be hard but what do you think she will do if she comes in the house’ then she repeats the above & I do t know what to say as we go round in circles. I’ve tried reassuring her that as a grown up I know people cant come back from the dead, whilst recognising she’s obviously genuinely worried.

Shes totally fine if she’s with me but it’s so incredibly tiring & the reason for my post now is that I’ve just got so frustrated with her, I got cross & said ‘goodness me, I’ve told you so many times I know it won’t happen ot just won’t happen’. Rushing to get ready for Rainbows, the dogs barking at the door, I knocked a cup over, nipped upstairs to get a towel, she’s following me hysterically dropping crisps on the stairs saying “Adalia rose might come”😢

And now I’ve dropped her off & I feel awful & sad. I know I have not dealt with it right today AT ALL.

I'm also a believer in the unfashionable approach of "Oh goodness, don't be daft. Right what will we have for lunch." ie don't indulge too much. Your anxiety feeds hers. She might just need to see that you aren't the least concerned

Yes I agree with this too.

Again @StarDolphins am sorry reacted so quickly, I wonder if the charity Changing Faces might have any resources that could help you in this?

i agree, of course. I have corrected her & explained over & her again that she’s a lovely little girl that loves all the things that she does, she loves her dog like us, she really loves unicorns etc - I go out of my way to reiterate everyone is equal.

You're overinterpreting it I think, the child will grow out of this.

There are no restrictions that stop a little girl popping up on suggested & nor should there be.

I am ‘moaning’ only on her about it being tiring (which it is) not to her obviously.

I have talked& reassured her for hours on end, probably too much. I literally drop everything for her when every she wants to talk to me, be it something nice or something scary.

today is the only day I have shown frustration.

I wouldn't call a child who was suffering anxiety "daft". That's only going to make her feel ashamed about her emotions.

Thank you😊 I will go on Amazon & order!

She doesn’t seem to be scared of her or me dying but does mention our DDog dying but not often.

It’s centred around this lovely little girl that looks different, that’s all. She even said her eyes are scary etc.

felt so frustrated today but now I feel sad.

I talk endlessly about her worries, maybe it’s too much.

I have corrected her & explained over & her again that she’s a lovely little girl that loves all the things that she does, she loves her dog like us, she really loves unicorns etc - I go out of my way to reiterate everyone is equal All of this will make her more worried because you're not helping with her fear, just telling her she shouldn't be frightened.

You need to separate the lessons on equality from your reaction to your DD's fear.

That’s ok😊 will have a look.

But how do I do it? This is how it goes…

DD (running after me) “Adalia Rose!!” she might come…
Me I can see you’re worried, what do you think she will do?
DD bite me
ME why would she do that? She’s a lovely little girl
DD still chasing after me….
DD quick open the baby gate she might come to the window
ME, ok give me a cuddle. You know as a grown up I know people don’t come back from the dead but you might not yet understand that being so young but I can see you’re really worried so would you like to tell me what you’re scared of?
DD she looks scary
ME I can see you might think that but could it be that she looks different?
DD yes

then I go into great that she’s still the same lovely little girl as her, she just look a little different & that’s ok because we’re all different- I say mummy has a big nose so I look different too then refer her to the children at school (like such a body at school that has a different arm etc but they’re still the same as us)

Then the same thing happens again & again. Sometimes she’ll say she’s going to grab her leg. Seems worse at night but she follows me even in the day.

All she’s watched for the last month has been Sing 2 but she’s still doing it!

And yes I am (secretly) really tired of it & the clingyness but car today, I have had endless patience. Talking & talking for ages!

but what do I say to her answe of ‘she might bite me’

I also say things like “have you heard of it happening before” & has anything like that happened to any of your friends & what would you say to your friends if they were worried about Adalia Rose’

Don't go looking for similar images from changing faces.

Keep off youtube entirely for a couple of years.

I saw a skull on TV once when young it stayed with me for ages and gave me fears at nighttime. I'm still not very good with horror films!

I would reassure her by confirming to her that she saw images that she can't forget. BUT there is no way that any dead people will appear. The message that if anyone tries to hurt her you will protect her, is also a good one

Don't dismiss her and listen to her. In the end it will just be a phase....

Hmm…maybe I overdo the talking.

I have on occasion said ‘ooh I hope she does come, she would be welcome here to play with us” but again I’m just not sure what I even should be doing so mostly I just spend ages asking her questions & blindly trying to reassure her!

Stop it. This might work if she was 16 but she is SIX.

You are really making this much much worse.

Wtf. 'Have you heard of it happening' - she is SIX - she lives in a complicated world half made of imagination.

You say 'If ever anyone was going to hurt us we'd phone the police and they'd arrest them. I would fight anyone who ever tried to hurt you. You're safe with me.'

Stop discussing the specifics and focus on the FEELING OF FEAR.

I know, I was just running out of things to say & think of no one has ever said it’s happened, she might question herself about it.

You seem to think she is 16.

She is 6. She is not going to question herself, because she is 6. She's frightened and just wants her mum to reassure her. Because she is 6.

I'm starting to doubt this thread can be real.

When she is crying and panicking treat it as you would if the hysteria was about anything else, anything generic. So no reassuring about Adalia Rose, no mentioning that name, or her actual fear at all. No answering questions about biting grabbing etc. Just generic calming measures, breathing exercises , relaxation exercises, (teach her these), sitting quietly with her whilst she calms - she may have to wait a couple of minutes until you are ready.
So you acknowledge she’s upset and panicked, and you help with that, but you don’t acknowledge or talk about Adalia Rose.

Sorry yes I forgot this…I have said these things.

I have said we’d call the police straight away & I would fight her or anyone that came in the house & our DDog would protect us & she said ‘but you said she’s nice & won’t fight’

I tell her constantly I will protect her from everything, walk over hot coals, I’m not scared of anyone, I’ve tried being blase.

It's all about balance isn't it?

Listen. Take worries seriously up to a point - i.e. I understand that you're worried, worrying is horrible isn't it? Everyone worries sometimes and it's difficult.

Sympathise without agreeing or reinforcing irrational fear/ reaction. Poor you.

Reassure with a cuddle and facts.

Distract. The subject is closed for now, if at all possible.

If necessary reiterate the relevant information (that people can't come back from the dead) and repeat the quick hug and that it's better to share worries but understand they sometimes aren't real - distract...

Getting embroiled deeply in any one of the stages at the expense of the others can exacerbate the worries and entrench them though.

There are work books - beating the worry demon is one I think - based on CBT type principles adapted for young children which you could do together with strategies for dealing with intrusive worries.

Some of your dialogue examples seem to play along with the thinking that Adalia rose might come, or "is". But the poor girl is dead.

So maybe:
Adalia Rose, she might come!
you - well you know that is completely impossible. You've been worried by seeing a scary picture but nothing is going to happen to you.

• She might bite me/ come to window.

you - of course, that is completely impossible. There is no such thing as ghosts, they don't exist.

then maybe see if she will eventually talk about it as a picture/image rather than as a bogeyman. I used to be able to see that skull when I closed my eyes, images can get seared onto young brains.

Don't say, I hope she does come, or She is a lovely girl - these are not true. (She WAS a lovely girl)

I’m also not sure why you keep giving solutions to why you’d do if she did ‘come’. The poor girl is dead, she can’t come and play or visit.

when she says ‘what if she comes’. Why aren’t you replying ‘she can’t, she died’

I do! - of course I’ve said she’s died, no one can come back, I’ve said no one has ever come back & she won’t. I’ve said never ever has anyone come babk.

Where have I said I have t said this? Quite the opposite!

Logic doesn't work at age 6.

There's no fucking logic at age 6.

Thank you & I hope so.