To be fed up of constant anxiety about dead people

[StarDolphins]

My nearly 7 yo seems full of anxiety at the minute. The latest thing is because a clip showed up in suggested vids on YouTube & it was so f Adalia Rose. Before that it was about our lovely family elderly friend that died (Bill). Bill might come to the window, what if Adalia Rose comes in the house etc. It’s Adalia Roses face that’s caused the issue, even though I’ve sat for literally hours explaining she just looks different & wass still a lovely little girl the same as her.

For the past couple of months my DD follows me EVRYWHERE & it’s so draining. Waiting for her to put her shoes on so I can nip to the bin 1m away outside! To the loo, to get my charger, absolutely everywhere. She will not stay sat in lounge for 10 seconds.

Shes scared that Adalia Rose will come in & either bite her, fight with her, ‘make her dead’ or take our dog. The panic on her face.

I have said many times ‘I I understand you’re worried etc & it must be hard but what do you think she will do if she comes in the house’ then she repeats the above & I do t know what to say as we go round in circles. I’ve tried reassuring her that as a grown up I know people cant come back from the dead, whilst recognising she’s obviously genuinely worried.

Shes totally fine if she’s with me but it’s so incredibly tiring & the reason for my post now is that I’ve just got so frustrated with her, I got cross & said ‘goodness me, I’ve told you so many times I know it won’t happen ot just won’t happen’. Rushing to get ready for Rainbows, the dogs barking at the door, I knocked a cup over, nipped upstairs to get a towel, she’s following me hysterically dropping crisps on the stairs saying “Adalia rose might come”😢

And now I’ve dropped her off & I feel awful & sad. I know I have not dealt with it right today AT ALL.

My 8 yo son is like this, solidarity.
It's not necessarily things he has seen on YouTube, it's things other kids have seen and have been discussing at school.
My son runs around shutting all the blinds so that Man in the window can't look in. As discussed at lunch at school.
And no additional needs ffs.
I remember being scared Jaws was going to bite my bum on the toilet around that age.

Because in your example of dialogue you said

DD (running after me) “Adalia Rose!!” she might come…
Me I can see you’re worried, what do you think she will do?
DD bite me
ME why would she do that? She’s a lovely little girl

why did you answer ‘what do you think she’ll do?’ She can’t do anything, she can’t come

or ‘bite you, why would she do that?’ She can’t bite you because ghosts don’t exist and couldn’t possible bite. It’s not because she’s a lovely girl that she won’t bite, it’s because she no longer exists.

I know it & I’ve said this over & over but it’s not convincing her. She’s still worried.

Both of my body went through a weird separation anxiety stage around 7YO. Really similar to this.

With DS1 it was 2020. So we put it down to lock down. DSIS was terminally ill and died that summer. DS1 kept coming into our room at night. Wouldn't want to be left alone in the house, would follow us to put the bins out etc. Then it just went eventually. He has since been diagnosed as autistic.

DS2 went through similar last summer. Kept wanting us in the night mainly but was weird about DH or I going out without everyone else. We don't think he's ND (if he is it is much less obvious than with DS1!). But again, it just passed without much effort from us. Just lots of reassurance from us and explanation of what is happening when. A bit like with a toddler but age appropriate.

DS2 teacher said its a big age for kids when they go from Infants to Juniors and there is a leap in terms of what's expected from them etc. They can be really unsettled as a result.

**Boys even!

I also remembered that I was 7YO when I developed my irrational fear of pantomime horses

Yes, well you have said an awful lot of different things. Too many things, too many conflicting messages.

You perhaps need to calm down, pick one approach (I advocate the child development-appropriate approach I said which is acknowledge the fear is real even if the reason is stupid to adult eyes) and stick to it.

I know this, I tell her this…it doesn’t work!!! Literally over & over again, she can’t come back, nobody can come back!

"You say 'If ever anyone was going to hurt us we'd phone the police and they'd arrest them. I would fight anyone who ever tried to hurt you. You're safe with me.'"

Good advice. It sounds like you're overexplaining and adding in new bits of scary info she doesn't need. Too much info. Keep it simple with young kids. They need you to take over, validate their feelings," Oh dear it does sound scary, let's make it all safe again" , talk about how it feels, tell her she can think about something else instead, headspace.com have a kids app, it's good.
Kids need the least amount of factual info and reassurance you are keeping them safe, that it's OK to be a bit worried about different things then do a bit of gentle distraction, Play a simple game, read together.
Keep the digital stuff for the older years.

Sorry I think I was getting confused between you saying she can’t come, as I’m visit; or she can’t come back as in she’s dead

I agree with others I think change tack and go with a lot less talking about it. A quick ‘you know that can’t happen’ and move it on to something else

I know that’s very much easier said than done when they keep asking though

DS2 teacher said its a big age for kids when they go from Infants to Juniors and there is a leap in terms of what's expected from them etc. They can be really unsettled as a result. Plus 7 is the age they start to wonder if dead means DEAD. Like not existing anymore DEAD.

So telling her the girl is DEAD is probably making it worse.

I know, you’re absolutely right. I’m all over the place trying all different ways, trying to help her but probably confusing her. I’m also probably spending far too long on it.

I agree with PPs that you're overdoing it with the discussions (although I can understand how stressful it is)- I don't think you have to keep casting around for new things to say in the hope that something will 'click' and she'll see there's nothing to be scared of.

I'd just stick to the same approach each time. Something like 'I know you feel really scared, but I promise you that it's impossible and isn't going to happen.' Hugs, then suggest to her that it might be a good idea to talk about something that doesn't scare her or do something that will help her take her mind off it. And if she's difficult to get off the subject, maybe just say 'well I^^ really feel like doing xyz, I'm going to do that now and it would be nice if you did it with me' and I bet she will join in. You can be kind and understanding without fuelling her panic.

Slightly different but I have a phobia as an adult and talking about it with other people just puts it front and centre of my mind all the time. People can tell me I don't need to be afraid of this thing but it's not something I can seem to control. What works is just saying to myself 'yes it makes me feel scared, let's do something distracting' and it passes much faster. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't talk about it at all, but I think the less time discussing it the better. And it's a good life skill for her to learn how to manage negative feelings in a healthy way.

Sorry I missed this. I did this, I watched them without her & chose a lovely one where she was celebrating her birthday & talking about things she likes.

We watched it together & she seemed a bit better. Then just comes back when it’s dark.

I think your DD has got terrified & maybe trying to rationalise isn’t really helping her (no criticism to you & your efforts though).

Whilst it’s really good to normalise difference & promote acceptance & inclusivity - the problem is this particular difference & image when she saw it was just too terrifying to her to be able to then compare to other seemingly innocuous differences in body shapes & sizes & appearances.

With a character from a film or an image or concept (scary monster for eg) at least this image is removed from the child, in this case it’s pretty complex to her because this horrific terrifying image (to her) is made doubly frightening because it’s an image of a little girl (albeit with a rare genetic condition) just like your DD.
So her imagination has gone into overdrive. And unfortunately this is from real life & therefore harder for you to help her put down to her own imagination frightening her rather than it being a real & likely possibility that she will succumb in some way to the same fate, or that something bad will happen to her (get bitten by her etc).

Children are susceptible to huge fears, anxieties & conflicts - nightmares, dreams, insecurities. It’s why the news, social media, horror films, inappropriate content is all far too complex & potentially distressing for children to view. Everyone however will be able to remember some things from their childhood that despite parental controls etc managed to terrify them - & that over time learned to be less afraid of. I remember running down an aisle in Woolworths & bumping into an old man. There was nothing wrong with this man as an adult he would just have looked like an old man. But he absolutely terrified the life out of me. Something to do with not expecting it (playing/running in my bubble of safety) & suddenly seeing something that shocked me. I never told my mum but I was terrified of going to Woolworths & seeing him again & probably was very clingy to my mum for a long while after it.

I wonder whether maybe trying to distract with positive, comforting tasks - (without dismissing or discounting her fears) when it next happens, to teach her to comfort herself when she gets afraid or scared/anxious. So oh dear are you having that frightening thought again - it’s not real darling, be firm that people categorically do not come back when they die. I wouldn’t use probabilities & evidence from others to get her to try to weigh up how likely it would be or how common it is - has she ever heard of this happening before etc - to disprove her beliefs. Because she’s not mature enough yet to know that. Be definite & concrete because she’s experiencing fear which can spiral. That little girl is now in heaven & happy & at peace. She was suffering because she had a horrible condition that made her ill. But she’s happy now in heaven with all her favourite things by her.

It’s just upset you that you saw something like that that isn’t very nice. She was a very brave little girl. She will never bite you. She can’t ever hurt you darling. Come on what she we do to make you feel better? Shall we get out your x,y, z go & do x etc? And try to neutralise her fear with something nice. Acknowledge & then distract & get her onto something less frightening - so teaching her how to manage overwhelming scary thoughts, concepts & ideas???

Whilst promoting acceptance is very important your DD feels pure unmitigated primal fear by this concept of this little girl. To try to neutralise it I would be saying that this poor little girl doesn’t look like that any more, her illness has gone & she is happy now & not hurting anymore. Even though it’s not factually true, ie her appearance never changed, it may help DD see this little girl as not the terrifying thing her appearance has made her believe her to be, but as innocuous & safe. That the illness made her look that way.

I agree that it would be traumatising potentially to show your DD other images of children with conditions - she is too fearful & young at present to be able to process it.

Thank you. I do think you’re right in that I’m overdoing it & maybe contradicting myself….saying she can’t come babk from the dead, it’s impossible to if she comes, I’ll call the police. I think I need to stick to one approach, be understanding & have a fixed amount of responses then move on to something fun.

Bet she knows I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!

Apart from this, she’s actually very happy. I really hope I can turn it round.

She has just got obsessed with this. You will need to be patient. It's not uncommonn for children to become obsessed with ghosts witches monsters and so on. It only takes a book, TV or film or videongame. You just have to keep reassuring her till she gets over it.

@Choice4567 that approach won’t work with every child. I was a very easily scared child- terrified of the dark, war, ghosts and things.

My mum was very much of the ‘there are no such things as ghosts so they can’t hurt you’ or ‘giants aren’t real, they can’t kidnap you’ attitude and it never helped. I was always left with the feeling of “but what if they DO exist?!” “What if there IS a snake under the bed?” “What if I DO die in the night?”

Telling kids their fears are impossible doesn’t actually deal with the feelings they have.

I grew up to be an adult with anxiety and intrusive thoughts and what has helped is actually thinking things through to their conclusion- eg “if there is a war X will happen, we will try to do Y, and in the worst case we will die”.

Answer the question, don’t leave a what if.

'No one has ever come back from the dead. Ever.'
Don't say that in front of any Christians! That would not help your DD 😂

Very interesting & I get it. I’m going to read this again once she’s asleep, makes a lot of sense, thank you.

I have a book on helping children with worries that I’ve read but seemingly, I’ve just overtalked it because one response didn’t work so I’ve tried something else, then something else. The result is that none of it seems to be working.

I think the 'I'll call the police' thing works with fears about things that actually could happen- my little boy was afraid of burglars and I always said I don't think it will happen but we would call the police and daddy would do very impressive high kicks. Sometimes daddy demonstrated said kicks for reassurance that they were indeed very intimidating 😆

But with things that aren't real I think it's probably better to stick to the same line of it's impossible, can't happen, big hugs, know it's a scary thought, let's play this game/talk about this nice thing to take your mind off it' etc etc. It might take a while for her to 'get it' but the less time you spend ruminating over it with her, the less time the fear is growing in her head. I expect that it would probably be less stressful for you as well if you can find a way to distract her so that every instance doesn't lead to a long discussion about it.

Good luck

Thank you, very helpful & I will look at the workbooks.

I saw dank sidebottom on tv once, the guy with the giant paper machè head (shudder) and it absolutely terrified me and I still don't like it to this day.

It didn't matter to me that it was a man in a costume just like it doesn't matter to your daughter that the poor little girl was just a little girl who looked different to her. The way anxiety works is that her body and brain will remember how she involuntary reacted and will latch on to constantly making her hyper aware of anything making her feel like that again.

Unfortunately the little girl did look different due to her condition and your daughter will probably never have seen someone who doesn't look quite "normal" before in her life. So it was obviously a shock to her ergo, her brain and body reacted

Thank you😊 yes I agree with it only working if it could happen. Looking back on conversations I’ve had about calling the police etc but on the other hand saying people can’t come back from the dead. Contradicting myself.

It sounds silly, but when I was about that age I was also obsessed with the idea that ghosts would come and get me in the night. My mum made a sign very like the ghostbusters logo and pinned it on my door so that the ghosts would know they couldn't come in. For some reason that completely worked for me!

Thank you, makes lots of sense. I hope she grows out of it.