Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to demand my DD16 pays rent if her sixth form attendance doesn’t improve

61 replies

hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:12

My DD struggles with mental
health problems pretty severely and as a result her attendance has suffered hugely and she’s currently sitting on about 55%.
I suggested to her doing 2 days minimum in school per week and the days she doesn’t make it in online and she was very enthusiastic about this idea, and she said it would be better for her to not have the time limitations of being up and ready every morning and still being able to catch up on those days that she can’t make it
in.
Unfortunately this has been discussed with her sixth form and isn’t an option they’re willing to do, so the only choice is to get her into school.
So DH and I have told her we will take a percentage of her salary every month, and if her attendance that month is good enough we will give it back, or if it’s mediocre we will give some back.
She is not happy with this whatsoever and says it’s unfair to have been understanding when suggesting school online, and now be so harsh, and how we’re treating her like a child in so many ways but expecting her to be an adult in paying rent.

so aibu i’m really doubting this decision just don’t know what to do

OP posts:
soleilblue · 01/03/2023 02:14

I do not mean this in a goady way at all. What is it that means she can earn a salary in her job but is unable to go to school. Is it the people at the school?

Original poster
hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:16

soleilblue · 01/03/2023 02:14

I do not mean this in a goady way at all. What is it that means she can earn a salary in her job but is unable to go to school. Is it the people at the school?

it’s the early start she cannot for the life of her do mornings, she has to take time to psych herself up for going anywhere.

work is evening shifts so is easier for her and she absolutely adores it so is easier for her to find motivation

OP posts:
soleilblue · 01/03/2023 02:16

Also when my anxiety was bad this wouldn't have helped me just made me feel I wasn't good enough

Original poster
hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:17

soleilblue · 01/03/2023 02:16

Also when my anxiety was bad this wouldn't have helped me just made me feel I wasn't good enough

this is what i’ve been thinking it could do, im just so lost on a better option

OP posts:
Magenta82 · 01/03/2023 02:18

I don't understand why you suggested part time/online if you didn't know whether or not the school would support it.

You seem to be punishing her for her mental health. It would be far better to work on the underlying issues than to impose random financial penalties.

soleilblue · 01/03/2023 02:18

hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:16

it’s the early start she cannot for the life of her do mornings, she has to take time to psych herself up for going anywhere.

work is evening shifts so is easier for her and she absolutely adores it so is easier for her to find motivation

Show quote history

That makes sense.

Is there a way her time table could be shifted so she is in the group that has the later classes? Or is it a small 6th form with just one group.

Willowmillow · 01/03/2023 02:18

yanbu, if she can go to work then she can go to school.

Willowmillow · 01/03/2023 02:19

Is she actually doing something she likes at sixth form?

soleilblue · 01/03/2023 02:20

Willowmillow · 01/03/2023 02:18

yanbu, if she can go to work then she can go to school.

That's why I asked the question OP as I knew this would get said by people who don't understand.

Original poster
hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:21

soleilblue · 01/03/2023 02:20

That's why I asked the question OP as I knew this would get said by people who don't understand.

Show quote history

yeah it’s a small minded attitude, if sixth form
started the same time as work did i have no doubt she’d go

OP posts:
Original poster
hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:22

soleilblue · 01/03/2023 02:18

That makes sense.

Is there a way her time table could be shifted so she is in the group that has the later classes? Or is it a small 6th form with just one group.

Show quote history

yes very small sixth form unfortunately, great support network for her at school which i think is because it’s so small they can provide that but means there’s zero timetabling flexibility

OP posts:
soleilblue · 01/03/2023 02:25

It's very tricky. I used to struggle if my classes were after lunch as I'd get so anxious waiting for them throughout the day.

Has she tried setting an alarm and getting up really early and shifting her whole day forward?

Does she work the night before she has to get up?

Willowmillow · 01/03/2023 02:27

Definitely not small minded and I unfortunately do understand.
My dd suffers with anxiety and has social issues. We find a good routine helps and she asks me to be stern with her. Her attendance has gone from 40% in year 9 to over 85% in year 11.

Obviously it won’t work if your dd isn’t going to be on board.

OOlivePenderghast · 01/03/2023 02:27

Maybe it would be worth looking at options for online sixth form or a local sixth form college which starts later. Then perhaps she could use the time between the two to work on her mental health.

Although, that depends on if she’s in Year 12 or 13 and what she’s planning to do after sixth form. Does she need particular grades to get into University?

Magenta82 · 01/03/2023 02:30

Are there any colleges locally? They might have more flexibility.

I don't think taking her money is the right approach as it is unrelated it feelslike a random, arbitrary punishment. I might have more sympathy if you were saying she couldn't go to work if she didn't go to school. But even then I'm not sure taking away something that motiates her is the answer.

Original poster
hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:30

soleilblue · 01/03/2023 02:25

It's very tricky. I used to struggle if my classes were after lunch as I'd get so anxious waiting for them throughout the day.

Has she tried setting an alarm and getting up really early and shifting her whole day forward?

Does she work the night before she has to get up?

she used to work school nights but made the decision to stop because she wasn’t getting home till 10-10:30 and it was exhausting her so now she just does weekends

the shifting her whole day forward is a good idea, the issue is she needs a lot of time to get herself up and out of bed and then time to mentally prepare herself for her day, so that could work

OP posts:
OOlivePenderghast · 01/03/2023 02:31

@Willowmillow
I think being strict is a good idea too. I know I always asked my mum to do this to me.

I guess it depends on your daughters temperament. Maybe ask her and see what should would prefer you to do? That way it’s not nagging because you know it’s what she wants.

Original poster
hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:33

Willowmillow · 01/03/2023 02:27

Definitely not small minded and I unfortunately do understand.
My dd suffers with anxiety and has social issues. We find a good routine helps and she asks me to be stern with her. Her attendance has gone from 40% in year 9 to over 85% in year 11.

Obviously it won’t work if your dd isn’t going to be on board.

my daughter is incredibly on board she wants to change and she desperately wants to succeed, she’s so clever and she is so capable and she knows that and she herself finds it incredibly sad she can’t manage it

im glad you could help your DD, gives me hope haha

OP posts:
Keepitweird · 01/03/2023 02:34

Magenta82 · 01/03/2023 02:18

I don't understand why you suggested part time/online if you didn't know whether or not the school would support it.

You seem to be punishing her for her mental health. It would be far better to work on the underlying issues than to impose random financial penalties.

This - why did you suggest online before knowing if it'd be an option? She's now fixed on that and nothing else will work........

Original poster
hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:35

OOlivePenderghast · 01/03/2023 02:27

Maybe it would be worth looking at options for online sixth form or a local sixth form college which starts later. Then perhaps she could use the time between the two to work on her mental health.

Although, that depends on if she’s in Year 12 or 13 and what she’s planning to do after sixth form. Does she need particular grades to get into University?

she’s bipolar so her grades are actually really exceptional bevause when she’s manic she crams everything and absorbs it all but shes made it clear to me she will definitely take a gap year before considering uni to work on her mental health as she doesn’t want the debt for a failed attempt at a degree

online sixth form could work yes just such a shame to lose the support network she has at her current

OP posts:
Original poster
hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:36

Keepitweird · 01/03/2023 02:34

This - why did you suggest online before knowing if it'd be an option? She's now fixed on that and nothing else will work........

Show quote history

i wholly jumped the gun i know, i didn’t see it as not being possible since it was originally brought up by her social worker

she for sure isn’t solely set on that, she just wants more flexibility so that on the days she doesn’t make it in she isn’t throwing away her education bevause that’s what’s happening now

OP posts:
soleilblue · 01/03/2023 02:37

hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:30

she used to work school nights but made the decision to stop because she wasn’t getting home till 10-10:30 and it was exhausting her so now she just does weekends

the shifting her whole day forward is a good idea, the issue is she needs a lot of time to get herself up and out of bed and then time to mentally prepare herself for her day, so that could work

Show quote history

I'd give it a go. Might be tough to start with. Good luck.

Keepitweird · 01/03/2023 02:43

Unfortunately @hello12456 this might be the facts though - for her to get her grades she has to be present and in her lectures etc. online isn't an option as has been expressed by the educational establishment so she then needs to work with that. I know you've now said she's some SEN so could be tricky though - I wish you both love and luck to get stuff sorted. X

Keepitweird · 01/03/2023 02:45

Keepitweird · 01/03/2023 02:43

Unfortunately @hello12456 this might be the facts though - for her to get her grades she has to be present and in her lectures etc. online isn't an option as has been expressed by the educational establishment so she then needs to work with that. I know you've now said she's some SEN so could be tricky though - I wish you both love and luck to get stuff sorted. X

(And by SEN I mean her bipolar)

Silvermoonqueen · 01/03/2023 04:35

Following with interest OP. I'm going through same with my DD 16. She is currently sitting at 55% attendance. Has been crying all night because went in today and was really anxious. Feels sick etc. ( She is awaiting blood tests as has been complaining of exhaustion). She does okay at her p/t job but gets so upset at college. I really feel for you too, OP ! I am kinda stuck as she wants to work online as says she cant deal with people at college but this isn't possible.

Swipe left for the next trending thread