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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to demand my DD16 pays rent if her sixth form attendance doesn’t improve

61 replies

hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:12

My DD struggles with mental
health problems pretty severely and as a result her attendance has suffered hugely and she’s currently sitting on about 55%.
I suggested to her doing 2 days minimum in school per week and the days she doesn’t make it in online and she was very enthusiastic about this idea, and she said it would be better for her to not have the time limitations of being up and ready every morning and still being able to catch up on those days that she can’t make it
in.
Unfortunately this has been discussed with her sixth form and isn’t an option they’re willing to do, so the only choice is to get her into school.
So DH and I have told her we will take a percentage of her salary every month, and if her attendance that month is good enough we will give it back, or if it’s mediocre we will give some back.
She is not happy with this whatsoever and says it’s unfair to have been understanding when suggesting school online, and now be so harsh, and how we’re treating her like a child in so many ways but expecting her to be an adult in paying rent.

so aibu i’m really doubting this decision just don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Emptycrackedcup · 01/03/2023 04:37

hello12456 · 01/03/2023 02:16

it’s the early start she cannot for the life of her do mornings, she has to take time to psych herself up for going anywhere.

work is evening shifts so is easier for her and she absolutely adores it so is easier for her to find motivation

Show quote history

I was thinking the same thing. Well that's a positive that she can stick to her job as I was wondering how she'd cope with a job. In this instance, maybe it is a good thing to give her an incentive

Stopsnowing · 01/03/2023 04:47

would It help if she could have downtime at school in the afternoons eg if she was able to do the army start was then allowed to go home to rest

sjxoxo · 01/03/2023 05:29

I’m not sure it’s supportive in the right way.
What steps are being taken to improve her mental health? Would she do an alternative like college or a different path as opposed to sixth form? Your post makes it seem a bit like you’re not deep diving into the root issues here. I had a terrible time as a teenager and was really really depressed in hindsight- my mum was very distant from me and was crap tbh; all I wanted was for her to be my best friend and genuinely try and connect with me and spend time with me. Even that would have really helped my mental health. I’m not saying you’re not doing that but mentioning just incase it could help your daughter. My mum has always ‘treated us like children’ in a v blunt way rather than been my friend (or emulated being my friend- warm, listening, comforting) and it’s something that has bothered me all my life. I’ll ge honest and say I get a glimpse of that from your post.. it could just be the fact it’s written online etc etc though. Hope you all find a way through Xx

TeenDivided · 01/03/2023 05:40

Well, you're all helping me feel better about my DD's 75%.

Does she have an EHCP? If not, should she?

I think time shifting could work. If she got up at say 5am would that give her time?
Are school understanding or threatening? Is she keeping up?

Ultimately. if she wants to attend but can't then effectively fining her won't help.

Thelondonone · 01/03/2023 05:42

She can do online, but you’ll have to pay privately. Could she take time out now? Would she be better going back in September once she has tried to deal with her mh? She’s unlikely to pass this year even with the cramming.

Gillyyy · 01/03/2023 05:43

Is your daughter seeing a therapist? It’s so important to help develop coping strategies and get to the root of the problem and things can hopefully improve.

I’ve had success with hypnosis for anxiety, as it can work to reprogram your brain to react differently to situations that you may have struggled with in the past. Could be worth looking in to.

Zanatdy · 01/03/2023 05:52

Is she going to any kind of therapy / getting help for her anxiety and trying to find ways of managing the early start with her anxiety? Is she getting enough sleep?

Nimbostratus100 · 01/03/2023 06:01

sounds like an earlier start is the best option

DottieUncBab · 01/03/2023 06:23

I was similar in sixth form think my attendance was about 40% due to mental health issues. I think making her pay rent is wrong. Maybe instead encourage her to find a therapist who ca help her?

notthisagainforest · 01/03/2023 06:26

You can't force her to go to college. You won't achieve anything by doing this you will make her worse. Leave her to make her own choices. If she drops out it really won't be the end of the world. She enjoys working that should be praised and encouraged not taking her money away. Let her develop her job if that's what she enjoys. You can't make a child be what you want. Many 16 year old won't even get a job so start seeing the positives instead of the negatives. Support her

Fifi0102 · 01/03/2023 06:33

You can study for alevels all online then sit the exam in a centre. But most university and careers have early start times especially while training.

TeenDivided · 01/03/2023 06:35

A thought. Is she either going in or not going in?

What about aiming for being in by say 11? (or are there travel issues with this)

daretodenim · 01/03/2023 06:36

Would it be possible to make a nice morning routine, which starts v early? And then go to bed early too? She definitively needs to be getting a good night's sleep.

Early morning wakeups are not enjoyable,m (for me), but if there's a reason it can help. So what if she had something nice to get up for, ie there's nice tea (or whatever she wants to drink/eat) for her downstairs, she has some quiet time out of bed, alone? And she could do homework before heading into school, rather than in the evenings, meaning she has downtime in the evenings before an early night?

It may be a bit like being jet lagged at first but ultimately would enable her to be slow about getting up, get homework done, have enough sleep and have some downtime.

I think you need to sit down with her and admit your idea of charging her wasn't a good one, she's right. Tell her your concerns and that your goal is to help her. She's not a kid so you want to brainstorm ALL ideas of how things could be improved (remember nobody can criticise others' ideas in that process) and bring the above idea up as part of it. There may be ideas she has that are better.

autienotnaughty · 01/03/2023 06:59

School needs to be more supportive- later classes, options to join in online. With a view to building up more. What's being done to improve mh - counselling or meds? I found hypnotherapy really helpful and mindfulness,if school refuses to support would college be better option. I wouldn't punish her for school's ignorance. It's not her fault they won't accommodate Id maybe try reward /incentive but tbh it's unlikely to work. It's the environment that needs to be adjusted for her needs. It's unfair to expect her to get better just because it suits everyone else

Gh12345 · 01/03/2023 07:21

I think it sends mixed messages to your child to ask them to do minimum days. How will they ever cope when they have a proper job? To answer your post question I would start putting a consequence on her if she doesn’t improve. It sounds like she’s avoiding something at the 6th form and leaning on her mental health to avoid it (no judgment here I did the exact same thing and felt a little lost).

sashh · 01/03/2023 07:21

Legally the school need to make 'reasonable adjustments'.

Could she manage afternoons?

It might be worth pulling her out and restarting in September.

Or look at other options.

The OU do allow under 18s in certain circumstances. They cannot do all course because sometimes course material isn't suitable eg requiring someone to watch a film that is an 18 or a module with a compulsory residential.

I'm not sure how fees work under 18.

Can you tell I'm a current OU student?

DDivaStar · 01/03/2023 07:31

I would be looking at other education options that would be more flexible.

redskydelight · 01/03/2023 07:37

I'd also agree with looking at other options. For example, my DC's sixth form doesn't start until 9.30am, and half the time she doesn't have a timetabled first lesson so doesn't start until 11am.
Her friend goes to a sixth form college where they only have to attend 2 days a week (which I know still means early mornings, but 2 of them might be more palatable?)

What does her current school suggest?

DancingDaughter50 · 01/03/2023 07:39

I can't understand why her school Cant be more flexible. 8 thought they legally had to do everything they can to be inclusive and help.

Who said no? Did you raise any complaints?
Often what happens depends on which member of staff you speak too. Many staff are not legally aware of all this and their obligations.

Whycanineverever · 01/03/2023 07:39

This is interesting my DD11 struggles a bit with mental health. She has right from a few months old hated being rushed anywhere / woken in the morning.

She now chooses to wake at 5.30 for school despite not needing to leave until 7.30.

I think it's her time to set herself up for the day.

Summerfun54321 · 01/03/2023 07:45

I was totally miserable for the final year of A levels and barely went into school. I missed quite a lot of classes but studied very hard at home through self directed study and managed to get good a level results and into the uni I wanted to.

School just doesn't suit everyone but that doesn't mean she has to drop focus on her studies. She may find college more suitable for less contact time if she wants to study more at home.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 01/03/2023 07:46

How is charging her rent going to help her anxiety?

FatCatt · 01/03/2023 07:50

Take some money from her but secretly keep it so she can have a lump sum back when she’s older. Could she have the lesson timetables and do them at home? Even if they aren’t streaming online

IkBenDeMol · 01/03/2023 07:51

Leave school altogether and work more shifts?

Look, I'm a huge advocate of education which is why I've just applied for a PhD at the age of 51. But if she's not in the right place NOW to go to school and do her A-levels, then there's nothing wrong with taking a few years away, working, doing an apprenticeship or whatever and then going back later. Evening school, online, whatever suits.

There are many routes to getting educated and the traditional path of school -> a-levels -> university doesn't suit everyone.

HedgeWitchy · 01/03/2023 07:59

I think regardless of her grades she needs a year out and to restart something else, maybe an alternative college course, online learning or whatever you have locally that is accessible.
Grades can be sorted or redone, mental health is had to overcome.
20 years ago I took a year out after the first year of university. I worked full time and I went back with so much more confidence.
If she struggled through this sixth form she may or may not get grades. She will though end up anxious and with mounting unresolved needs.
I’d be suggesting something else full time to occupy her and learn skills.

I also see her point on rent. She can make her own mistakes (or not) at this point.

Im saying this as someone whose child got very very high grades, school to master level- but has such a barrier to learning due to anxiety and mental health.