AIBU to demand my DD16 pays rent if her sixth form attendance doesn’t improve

[hello12456]

My DD struggles with mental
health problems pretty severely and as a result her attendance has suffered hugely and she’s currently sitting on about 55%.
I suggested to her doing 2 days minimum in school per week and the days she doesn’t make it in online and she was very enthusiastic about this idea, and she said it would be better for her to not have the time limitations of being up and ready every morning and still being able to catch up on those days that she can’t make it
in.
Unfortunately this has been discussed with her sixth form and isn’t an option they’re willing to do, so the only choice is to get her into school.
So DH and I have told her we will take a percentage of her salary every month, and if her attendance that month is good enough we will give it back, or if it’s mediocre we will give some back.
She is not happy with this whatsoever and says it’s unfair to have been understanding when suggesting school online, and now be so harsh, and how we’re treating her like a child in so many ways but expecting her to be an adult in paying rent.

so aibu i’m really doubting this decision just don’t know what to do

This was me at your DD’s age. My attendance was something like 30% and I just absolutely could not make myself get up and go. I still got AAB because I was fortunate enough to be quite bright (all changed when I got to uni though where I had to turn things around because standards were so much higher – but I digress!).

Anyway, looking back, these were the issues for me:

• I had to get the bus to college which took over an hour and left at 6.50. It was cold and miserable and dark and I loathed it. A lift would have made a huge difference.
• I was working too much. I did both days at the weekend and an evening during the week and on top of college it was way too much for me. I didn’t get any down time and I was just exhausted.
• I DID NOT GO TO BED EARLY ENOUGH. I wish my parents had removed all devices and insisted I was in bed by 10. I would have railed against it at the time but I simply wasn’t mature enough to control my own sleep schedule at that point.

If it helps I’m now a successful mum with a good career and am known for being organised, sorted, and capable. People who meet me now would never believe what a mess I was at 16-18. She’ll turn things around. Best of luck to you all.

YANBU, if she can work she can go to school. Getting up early isn't mental health it's laziness.

I would suggest stopping the job so she can go to bed earlier to get up earlier.

You shouldn’t have suggested 2 days in and 3 days wfh without getting permission from school first, she must be feeling extremely upset and disappointed that this ideal solution is no longer on the table when she thought it was agreed.

If her salary was earned by her, it belongs to her and is nothing to do with you, to take it would be theft. If you’re referring to money that you give her (what most families call pocket money) then that’s different, but I still think it’s crappy parenting to pay her to go to school and withhold it on the days she isn’t well enough.

I suspect a different school would suit her better, perhaps a sixth form colllege or somewhere hippy that allows flexischooling, but depending on your area that may be hard to find.

She doesn’t have to complete sixth form. If she has her GCSEs and hates school why doesn’t she just work full time. Further education isn’t for everyone.

Is she bipolar or, as happens fairly frequently, has she been misdiagnosed and is actually neurodivergent?

Punishing her for anxiety is actually an awful thing to do. It'll exacerbate it as she now has the added pressure of that punishment and it'll have the opposite effect to what you were hoping for.

Working is different, as it's something she loves without the pressure of sixth form. Please don't take that from her as it'll isolate her.

First and foremost, she needs more help when her anxiety, and I would suggest doing some reading around asd/adhd in girls. Please don't punish her for how her brain is wired.

Just to offer a different perspective because I really identify with your daughter. I had undiagnosed ADHD in sixth form twenty years ago and my attendance went so low I nearly got kicked out after the first year (saved by getting all As in exams after cramming like mad for a fortnight beforehand).

I am still in academia now, so task avoidance and not wanting to get started on things is still a massive issue for me. I hate mornings but I do need structure. Whenever I have really firm boundaries I thrive, when I’m left to self-govern in a wishywashy way I’ll do sweet FA. I personally would have responded really well to the wages thing - I like an element of risk and reward and my brain needs the dopamine hit it would bring.

There is actually a website you can use for this. You put however much money you want to on account with them (I normally do £50 or £100, it’s got to be a little bit painful). Then you set a goal, choose a deadline and nominate an organisation you hate for the money to go to if you fail (think the gun lobby, political nemeses etc) and if you don’t succeed they give your cash away. It’s brutal but kind of perfect.

So, does the world end if she stops going to sixth form? Could she stop now, do some work in the evening as she is now and look for further education in September for something that suits her better?

why dont you look at doing an online college course for her then? there are lots of choices out there, she can stop schooling and do it all online. have a look and see if there is anything she would be interested in doing from home.

OR speak to the local colleges and universities etc and see if there are any night classes/qualifications. I did a night course in my local college, was the best thing ever

Do not do this! You should be fighting the school as they are required by law to accommodate her MH disability. They should be allowing her to work remotely when she is not up to physically going into school.

To demand “rent” as in confiscate her wage and then dole it out based on attendance (which is unreasonable demand due to her disability) is financial abuse of a disabled child.

Your social worker can write a letter to the school stating your DD needs this as accommodation for her MH.