To ask whether you think compatibility or chemistry is more important?

[RelationshipsAreHard]

I didn't want to post this on relationships as I didn't want a biased view.

What, in your opinion, is more important, or if there's a ratio - what would it be? Is it honestly possible to have both on some level past a certain point?

Chemistry for sure has the attraction, desire and romance but there might not be the security, longevity, common ground and comfort.

Compatibility keeps you grounded and feeling safe, lots in common and a strong companionship, but there's a risk of things falling into a friend zone, no passion, boredom, eyes wandering elsewhere..

Would you give up on a relationship if you realised you only had one of the two?

75% compatibly/ 25% chemistry

Why does it have to be either or?

The Honeymoon Phase does fizzle out and then you're left with friendship, trust and compatibility. If that's not there, better not to start.

70 compatibility/30 chemistry

I have all of that. But there is zero chemistry anymore. Is this what I need to expect in all LTR's, or is there something wrong with mine..

75% chemistry. Otherwise they're just your mate who gives you the ick!

It needs to be both but the ratios will adjust to the phase of life you are moving through.

Agree

0% chemistry is not sustainable in a LTR. Otherwise you'd surely never have sex. And whilst we're not at it like rabbits 20 years in, never doing it for the rest of my life sounds rubbish.

If you're sure there's no chemistry and no way to get it back then maybe the relationship has run its course.

It’s hard to stay in a relationship if there is zero chemistry. I have friends who I have chemistry with (no intention of acting on it), I couldn’t stay married to somebody I had absolutely no spark with, though the degree of passion does fluctuate depending on other life stressors.

Equally hard if there is no compatibility - you must just continually rub each other up the wrong way.

Are you sure you aren’t just stuck in a rut? If there has never been any chemistry whatsoever, I’d cut them loose - presumably you are having sex with your eyes shut or through gritted teeth or something? Not really sustainable.

Compatibility all the way.

Chemistry based on physical attraction will be mostly gone sooner or later.

Loyalty and being treated well will never get old.

Chemistry with no compatibility is a recipe for a car crash relationship.

I found that once I met somebody I was actually compatible with, the chemistry followed - and fundamentally being well suited sustains an amazing relationship through the tougher times.

Well yeah, not necessarily a car crash but maybe a summer fling or a crush

This is what I'm worried about. We are probably 100% compatible. But I feel like there's minimal to no chemistry. Not sure we were ever the passionate type together. We are great friends, best friends in fact. I've no idea if it would be nuts to contemplate ending that, if chemistry never lasts anyway.

Yeah there's no sex. Cuddles sometimes. But it's like he's my best friend or something. I do love him, he's there for me unconditionally and I him. But in terms of sparks or anything physical it's just not there.

But equally I love spending time with him, we have tons in common and want the same thing out of life. Both didn't want kids for example and love doing the same things with our free time.

I'm fairly sure he feels the same. He never initiates sex. He's not really had a high libido ever. But if I lose what we have I may never get such a strong click with someone again, or I'll get the chemistry but the compatibility might be off and it'll be a car crash.

You need to spice it up op!!

Fantasy/costumes/ stories etc. meet at a hotel bar pretend to be strangers. New sexy underwear

Sex toys. Be inventive

Or introduce a third party? Open relationship for sex?

Important for what exactly? To get a relationship started? For a relationship to be long lasting? For a relationship to be fulfilling on many levels? I think it's a bit of a pointless question unless you explain what it is that you want as an end result.

I’m in exactly the same position as you OP and ask myself this all the time. We get on really well, spend loads of time together, have the same interests, don’t want kids… but I don’t enjoy sex really (never have) and he’s not bothered. Ultimately I wouldn’t give this up on the off chance I had more chemistry with someone else as it is happy and comfortable. So I vote compatibility!

Chemistry is incredibly important. Ignore at your peril!
It doesn't matter how compatible you are with someone - there needs to be a spark. Unless maybe you're asexual and only looking for companionship.
The number of soul-crushing dates I've been on, where the online chat had been amazing, but then there's just no attraction in real life And you just can't force it.

Until he goes off and shags someone else.
I'm really sorry, but the naïveté I see on Mumsnet surrounding sex - or lack thereof - and the chances of a relationship's survival.
Complacency is NOT good.

I get you, but I don’t think this will be the case. Obviously I can’t say with 100% certainty but given our history - as you mentioned in your pp, we are likely both asexual but didn’t feel it was relevant to say in my post. Mumsnet (not your comment but just in general!) does make me feel a bit paranoid sometimes but my points still stand, as things are, I wouldn’t give up what I have now. Unless he does run off to shag someone else ofc! Compatibility is still more important to me

Well... DH and I met in our first week of our chemistry degrees over 40 years ago so maybe chemistry is important to our evident compatibility

OP, if you don't mind me asking, if you get on well, what is the meaning behind your username? You don't have to answer if you don't want to

I think I clarified this in my subsequent comments..

It wouldn't feel authentic to do that though. Plus I just don't think he's a high libido type. It's so platonic now.