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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether you think compatibility or chemistry is more important?

51 replies

RelationshipsAreHard · 28/02/2023 21:43

I didn't want to post this on relationships as I didn't want a biased view.

What, in your opinion, is more important, or if there's a ratio - what would it be? Is it honestly possible to have both on some level past a certain point?

Chemistry for sure has the attraction, desire and romance but there might not be the security, longevity, common ground and comfort.

Compatibility keeps you grounded and feeling safe, lots in common and a strong companionship, but there's a risk of things falling into a friend zone, no passion, boredom, eyes wandering elsewhere..

Would you give up on a relationship if you realised you only had one of the two?

OP posts:
Original poster
RelationshipsAreHard · 01/03/2023 08:50

BuzzBeeEmoticon · 28/02/2023 22:58

I’m in exactly the same position as you OP and ask myself this all the time. We get on really well, spend loads of time together, have the same interests, don’t want kids… but I don’t enjoy sex really (never have) and he’s not bothered. Ultimately I wouldn’t give this up on the off chance I had more chemistry with someone else as it is happy and comfortable. So I vote compatibility!

Thank you for this. I could list all the ways that we work together, our lives just click as we are on the same page about everything else. Love doing the same things in our spare time, when we both retire I think we will be happily in sync!

I'm the same as you as if I give this up.. I might meet someone else, but judging by the stories I've heard in real life and read on here, there's more chance of it being worse 😅 or great at first and being in a similar place down the line.

We live together so well, a lot of the same hobbies but also time to do our own, in a house we both love, comfortable to be our true selves with each other. The thought of the whole dating scene now makes me feel a bit sick!

OP posts:
Original poster
RelationshipsAreHard · 01/03/2023 08:52

JMSA · 28/02/2023 23:02

Chemistry is incredibly important. Ignore at your peril!
It doesn't matter how compatible you are with someone - there needs to be a spark. Unless maybe you're asexual and only looking for companionship.
The number of soul-crushing dates I've been on, where the online chat had been amazing, but then there's just no attraction in real life Sad And you just can't force it.

Sometimes I wonder if he could be a bit asexual. I just feel like I don't see him in that way anymore. But I do love him to pieces.

Sure I've had fleeting attraction to others where I could see there being chemistry, but the compatibility is nowhere near the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
RelationshipsAreHard · 01/03/2023 08:55

cassiatwenty · 28/02/2023 23:19

OP, if you don't mind me asking, if you get on well, what is the meaning behind your username? You don't have to answer if you don't want to

Because it's really on my mind. I worry there's something wrong in staying in a relationship where the chemistry isn't there. But that is literally the only thing I have to complain about.

OP posts:
Undecidedandtorn · 01/03/2023 08:58

Have you had relationships before where you had chemistry and enjoyed sex?

AncientBallerina · 01/03/2023 08:59

Do you mind me asking what age you both are and how long you have been together? Also do you know what his feelings are on the subject? I guess I think as you get older compatibility probably is more important.

Forever42 · 01/03/2023 09:07

I worry there's something wrong in staying in a relationship where the chemistry isn't there.

It depends on what you both want. Everyone feels differently. Some people like living with someone for the companionship and affection. For others that wouldn't be enough. I've been with DH for 20 years and at the current time we don't have much of a physical relationship (full-time busy jobs, two DC 10 and 12, some health issues and medication just leave neither of us feeling like it). But I wouldn't want to live without him.

Original poster
RelationshipsAreHard · 01/03/2023 09:36

Undecidedandtorn · 01/03/2023 08:58

Have you had relationships before where you had chemistry and enjoyed sex?

Yeah one other relationship. Chemistry was high but compatibility was lower. I don't think I was his priority. And we never lived together. I think the reason it didn't last was because of compatibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
RelationshipsAreHard · 01/03/2023 09:37

AncientBallerina · 01/03/2023 08:59

Do you mind me asking what age you both are and how long you have been together? Also do you know what his feelings are on the subject? I guess I think as you get older compatibility probably is more important.

We are 36. been together since we were around 20. That's my thought too, when we are older we will be great together, but atm it's like there is something missing. But does it really matter...

OP posts:
Original poster
RelationshipsAreHard · 01/03/2023 09:40

Forever42 · 01/03/2023 09:07

I worry there's something wrong in staying in a relationship where the chemistry isn't there.

It depends on what you both want. Everyone feels differently. Some people like living with someone for the companionship and affection. For others that wouldn't be enough. I've been with DH for 20 years and at the current time we don't have much of a physical relationship (full-time busy jobs, two DC 10 and 12, some health issues and medication just leave neither of us feeling like it). But I wouldn't want to live without him.

Similar for me too. I let myself imagine life without him and got really upset. I don't want him to not be around anymore. But equally I've faced up to the fact we are in a platonic relationship now for the most part. Aside from the odd cuddle and kiss on the forehead.

And as I get older I feel like this would be exactly what I would want.. but my niggle is now am I missing out. But then I don't think it's worth sacrificing everything I have for.

OP posts:
Undecidedandtorn · 01/03/2023 10:26

Would you consider relationship counselling? Might help you see a way forward?

cassiatwenty · 01/03/2023 11:32

I don't know. You only have one life to live. There are no guarantees that you'll find chemistry with someone else, however if your current relationship has gone stale, you won't experience a chance for something better with somebody else.

WisherWood · 01/03/2023 12:16

Because it's really on my mind. I worry there's something wrong in staying in a relationship where the chemistry isn't there. But that is literally the only thing I have to complain about.

There's nothing wrong with it if you're happy. It's about what the two of you want, not what other people might think. But it seems like you're not entirely happy. At 36, I'd have hated the thought of never having sex again. 15 years later, I still wouldn't be keen on it, but that's me. I think give it another 15 years, bringing me to mid 60s, and I would probably just take the compatibility.

You're going to have to talk to him OP. Is he happy? Is he basically asexual? I think you need more of an idea of what you're dealing with. How important is sex to the two of you? It doesn't really matter what the rest of us think.

QueefQueen80s · 01/03/2023 13:23

I had all the compatibility but yearned for chemistry so left a long relationship.
Just chemistry is good for a while.
But if I was to be with a man again it would need to be 60/40 compatibility/chemistry. Both are so important.

Original poster
RelationshipsAreHard · 01/03/2023 14:50

QueefQueen80s · 01/03/2023 13:23

I had all the compatibility but yearned for chemistry so left a long relationship.
Just chemistry is good for a while.
But if I was to be with a man again it would need to be 60/40 compatibility/chemistry. Both are so important.

I've just struggled to find someone I felt I had both with. So I guess I've been wondering if it exists!

I know the chemistry will simmer down in time which is expected.. but I generally need a connection with someone first so I guess I am drawn to being compatible with someone.. and then seem surprised when the chemistry is never really there.

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 01/03/2023 16:24

Maybe because it's easier to connect with someone on a comfortable deeper level and feel relaxed rather than with the chemistry which makes us insecure, worry about how we look, act, how things are going and then the strong emotions. Hard to mix the two but yes it's what I want aswell!
I can't live again without the feelings. But it's so very comfortable with the solid love so I can see why people stay.

maranella · 01/03/2023 16:29

In the early days: 80% chemistry, 20% compatibility

As time passes those ratios will probably reverse if the relationship is going to last.

You definitely need to retain some chemistry (and some couples manage to retain a lot), but what's really important in the long run, IMO, is friendship, respect, trust, wanting the same things, communicating well and just being on the same team.

AncientBallerina · 01/03/2023 18:59

I think if there was never any chemistry even at the beginning that is quite unusual,especially for a relationship that started when you were 20. That’s an age when you’d usually expect the chemistry to be high. Are you sure he’s happy with the situation? If your physical relationship is not something you ever talk about then I think maybe you need to. I agree it might be good for you to speak to a counsellor who might help you to come to a decision, or to help you to talk about it with him.

WisherWood · 01/03/2023 19:13

Maybe because it's easier to connect with someone on a comfortable deeper level and feel relaxed rather than with the chemistry which makes us insecure, worry about how we look, act, how things are going and then the strong emotions.

Maybe. I've had more instantaneous and initially stronger chemistry with some people than I have with my current partner. But I learned to be very, very wary of that chemistry. Basically my hormones are not a good judge of character and are bad at choosing men. That chemistry resulted in me being badly hurt, time and again.

Whereas with my DP there was definitely some chemistry there to start with, but it wasn't that irritating hormonal response. And as the years have gone by, I think as our connection has increased, so has the chemistry. So I now have more chemistry with him than I have ever had with anyone before.

Mummysgogetter · 01/03/2023 19:20

I think (for me at least) I need trust, compatibility and friendship first and foremost. The sexual/chemistry side of the relationship is a small part and sometimes it’s stronger than others. I have months when I feel attracted to DH and times when I don’t. But I wouldn’t give it up for someone I could have amazing chemistry with - we cannot get absolutely everything from one person, it’s what’s most important for us, for some people that will be attraction/chemistry and for others it will be compatible/security. You have to work out what is most important for you.

CarPoor · 01/03/2023 19:21

Ideally both. That's I would say the definition of a relationship

No chemistry but great companionship is just friends

No companionship but great chemistry is a fuck buddy.

Ultimately though it's your decision and boils down to what both of you want out of life. If I had to pick one I'd chose companionship as you can't share your life with someone who you don't enjoy spending time with, and aren't on the same page. But it depends how important that sexual element is to you

Did you ever have chemistry? Has it faded or never existed?

cassiatwenty · 01/03/2023 19:21

Sometimes that feeling of (excessive) butterflies and nervousness means run

Mummysgogetter · 01/03/2023 21:05

cassiatwenty · 01/03/2023 19:21

Sometimes that feeling of (excessive) butterflies and nervousness means run

Yes 👍 I agree with this - especially if you have had an unstable upbringing - unstable people remind us of caregivers from our past and we usually feel a tremendous amount of chemistry with them rather than a stable, loving partner.

DahliaRose3 · 02/03/2023 03:48

You need to reignite the passion. A relationship break would prob do that IME; but is extreme. I would focus on incorporating more loving acts into your day to day. A cuddle, kiss, romantic gesture etc. and start to court each other again.

If you weren’t together you might be surprised how quickly that attraction or chemistry is back! Don’t throw a great relationship ship away. No matter how good the chemistry, things can fizzle out again speaking from experience.

Mummysgogetter · 02/03/2023 10:40

DahliaRose3 · 02/03/2023 03:48

You need to reignite the passion. A relationship break would prob do that IME; but is extreme. I would focus on incorporating more loving acts into your day to day. A cuddle, kiss, romantic gesture etc. and start to court each other again.

If you weren’t together you might be surprised how quickly that attraction or chemistry is back! Don’t throw a great relationship ship away. No matter how good the chemistry, things can fizzle out again speaking from experience.

Yes this is very true. It’s funny how much passion reignites if there is the threat of losing your other half.

coeurnoir · 02/03/2023 10:55

At 36 you are too young to settle for a relationship that isn't making you happy....but if you are, if the lack of chemistry is ok and you have enough of all the other stuff....then you'd be mad to give it up.

Everyone has a different view about what makes a relationship good for them. Only you know whether yours is still ticking the boxes.