Update: OH secretly meeting prostitutes online (confirmed) but AIBU to be blaming myself?

[MissLurker]

Thanks everyone who helped to dig a little deeper regarding my suspicions including the private messages of support. You might remember my name, I won’t give away too much regarding my thread or about me. Once again its clear Mumsnet is scoured by the ‘community’ of these so-called ‘men’ who tip off their online buddies. I ask everyone who remembers my thread not to reveal too much in their replies as I don’t want those bastards getting alerted again.

He still doesn’t know 100% it was me who posted that thread though its clear he was tipped off by the ‘community’ as he’s now become super nice to me. I’m still playing dumb though.

I ended up returning to that place and reading other threads there. I cried after reading the comment about him being bored of me and wanting to run off to Thailand. I’ve kept a brave face and put on an act that everything’s normal but I’m really hurting inside. We’ve been married such a long time (he even quoted the exact amount of years).

Some of the comments on other threads there (even by the few women who seem to be prostitutes) are blaming the wives for the sex drying up and men resorting to meeting them.

However that ‘boring’ comment upset me the most and all these other comments especially by the few women have made me wonder if its maybe my fault. Was I doing something wrong, should I have done something differently, did I not show him enough attention or maybe I should've done the things he secretly wants, the same things he now does with prostitutes? We do have sex though not as often as before. The main thing is he’s never given any indication of wanting anything else. I just don't know if I should open up to him and lay out my shortcomings or things I maybe didn't do, and try to think of a plan to take things forwards without leaving him. Or should I not be forgiving him at all? Feels like the women there pin all the blame on us and I'm confused.

There were problems in your relationship but instead of discussing them and dealing with them like an adult he did this. It's not your fault. Get rid of him and get an booked in to a sexual health clinic.

I hope you find your anger. None of this was because you're 'boring' if he was visiting prostitutes it's because he's a sleazy pig. I'm sure that many married men who go to prostitutes try to twist it to make it their wife's fault in some way to make themselves feel better. It's like the 'crazy ex' trope - in time it's often revealed that the crazy ex wasn't crazy at all.

"Oh my wife doesn't understand me anymore " boo hoo blah blah blah.- said by every man that cheats. This one is on him OP not you.❤

YABU for blaming yourself and staying with him.

Divorce is the only sensible solution here.

YABU, OP, and are in no way responsible for his disgusting behaviour.

These men are exploiting and objectifying women, many of whom will be vulnerable. For me, it's far worse than having an affair.They're also delusional, talking about how the sex workers "really liked it". It's a financial transaction, nothing more.

I'd kick him into touch, personally. I couldn't forgive that behaviour. And if he doesn't use a condom, he's putting your health at risk.

I'd be getting all the financial info I could get my hands on and take him to the cleaners. And get screenshots of his reviews, in case they might prove useful in the divorce.

I almost hope that one of those utter sleazebags finds these threads and puts the shit up the lot of them.

Oh my god. Please please please please DIVORCE this weapons grade loser misogynist.

i cannot understand why on earth you’re still there.

the problem is him, not you.

I read your original thread in all honesty I thought you were worrying and surely it was just a few unfortunate coincidences with some internet pervert. I'm so sorry I was wrong and this situation is in fact your real life. Please trust your instincts on how you think this should play out as they're clearly pretty spot on however, don't blame yourself for someone else's actions he chose to behave this way. The people who say someone 'deserves' this treatment are wrong end of they're likely covering and creating reasoning for their own vile actions.

Someone who gets a thrill in prostitutes believes women are commodities they can buy and treat as they wish not because they're simply bored in their life. Let him travel Thailand and live as if he's 21 - I'm sure the reality of this lifestyle isn't quite as thrilling now he's an older man. Take him to the cleaners OP!

How could you even come to the conclusion it’s your fault?? Of course it isn’t! Stop being ridiculous, you’re the victim, not him.
His just a low life, ain’t no cure for that. Leave him and stop wasting your time, there is men out there so so so much better! Go find one.

This

He's bored of you, he wants to/has cheated on you, he doesn't respect you AND he thinks paying for sex is okay. No way would I be trying to change myself and staying with him.

Have some respect for yourself OP and leave! You deserve so much more

What they said. I voted the wrong way by mistake - said YANBU, but what I mean is YABU for blaming yourself. Wouldn't mind betting several of the few people who have voted YANBU did so by the same mistake.

Hi op, I also read the original post and was hopeful it was just coincidence for you. Sorry that isn't the case.

I've made a new name especially for this, because I wanted to share something with you.
When I was in my 20s I fell for a man hook, line & sinker. I honestly didn't think such love existed. I knew he had frequented strip clubs and paid for girl on girl private shows, but he always denied using prostitutes, although with hindsight I believe he would have.
I was so desperate to keep this man happy I lost a lot of weight, I lasered my body hair, I had nails done professionally every week and I had my hair/tan perfect, even wore heels.
I've also been a model since childhood and only stopped a few years ago, so I'm OK to look at (please don't think this is a humblebrag, I just want you to understand that I had a lot of confidence before what happened with this man).
Anyway, I was so desperate to keep him happy, I pushed myself sexually into things I didn't enjoy, (lots of porny behaviour, I did anal for the first time, endless oral and just let him do things such as tie me up etc, even though I'm really quite vanilla, but he wasn't) he'd request videos or pictures of me, but if I was in a meeting at work etc, he'd sulk.
Anyway, my mental health was in tatters, he treated me terribly, would call me names but very slyly, so instead of saying "you're fat", he'd say, "Oh, look how porky you're getting!", all these little digs were adding up and I believe now designed to crush my confidence.
Anyway, my best friend had a break up with her fiance and went online dating and found him on tinder.
Not only was he there but she did some investigating and found him on sex sites, found him on lots of things actually, it was such a shock at the time, I didn't even really take it all in. As well as these investigations she discovered something else, he was married.
He'd disclosed it when she'd catfished him, and he was telling her he was bored of playing the doting husband, bored of fucking the same few stupid whores, bored of everything and everyone, by all accounts.
She showed me evidence and I realised I was just one of the many "stupid whores" that he was using as a sex toys.
Anyway, the point in this very long story (sorry!) Which I wasn't sure if I should share, is that some people, you can literally give your soul to, and they're not excited by it. Too much hatred for women, too much porn, just a total fucker, I don't know, but this isn't anything you've Done. You could have starved yourself, offered every part of your body, walked on hot coals, he was never, nor will he ever, be anything other than a pathetic excuse of a man, and you are a queen.
BLEED THE CUNT DRY.
I wish I could say I had my revenge moment, but I didn't, I just blocked him, deleted his number and went on antidepressants. He didn't even try to get in touch, shows how little he really did give a fuck.
Please, please, if you managed to read this just know, no matter what you could have done, it wasn't ever going to fulfil that pig.

Hugs, OP. You can do this 💪

Just so you know, it’s easy to change your vote - simply click on the option you had meant to select.

Gosh, I never knew that! Thanks, done.

oversharing

what a lovely post and what a horrific man. Hope you are doing OK x

YABU to blame yourself. This is not your fault.

Totally not your fault ! Stop blaming yourself.

As someone who cheated in past relationships I can hand on heart say that it was never about the person I cheated on. It wasn’t because they weren’t good enough. It was 100 percent me and my issue- my need for validation and my need for physical connection and excitement, which stemmed from trauma. I’m sorry you are feeling this way xxx

There's nothing you could've done that makes it your fault he did this.

You were married. Marriage is monogamous. That means seeing sex workers breaks the promise you both made to each other.

If he was bored or feeling unloved then he should've spoken to you, asked to see a therapist together or left.

The answer is never to cheat with a sex worker.

@AdamRyan thank you! I'm much better now. And the most important thing for me now is, this must sound silly, but I have fallen in love with eating again! I no longer wear heels, you couldn't pay me to wear them again and a nuclear weapon couldn't keep me from a roast dinner! So it doss get better. Thanks again! X

Marriage should be a dialogue. You are not a mind reader. If he wanted different things in the bedroom he should have had an open discussion with you. He didn't discuss it with you because then he wouldn't have his excuse to cheat and be vile!

Sorry OP but he is a horrible man. His posts were disgusting and his casual use (and reviews) of prostitutes is unforgivable.
it’s clearly not you… it’s not normal to dream of running off alone to Thailand or review prostitutes online. After reading what he wrote how can you bear to look at him.
Run, run, run.
And show what you found to a divorce lawyer!