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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Update: OH secretly meeting prostitutes online (confirmed) but AIBU to be blaming myself?

73 replies

MissLurker · 28/02/2023 17:57

Thanks everyone who helped to dig a little deeper regarding my suspicions including the private messages of support. You might remember my name, I won’t give away too much regarding my thread or about me. Once again its clear Mumsnet is scoured by the ‘community’ of these so-called ‘men’ who tip off their online buddies. I ask everyone who remembers my thread not to reveal too much in their replies as I don’t want those bastards getting alerted again.

He still doesn’t know 100% it was me who posted that thread though its clear he was tipped off by the ‘community’ as he’s now become super nice to me. I’m still playing dumb though.

I ended up returning to that place and reading other threads there. I cried after reading the comment about him being bored of me and wanting to run off to Thailand. I’ve kept a brave face and put on an act that everything’s normal but I’m really hurting inside. We’ve been married such a long time (he even quoted the exact amount of years).

Some of the comments on other threads there (even by the few women who seem to be prostitutes) are blaming the wives for the sex drying up and men resorting to meeting them.

However that ‘boring’ comment upset me the most and all these other comments especially by the few women have made me wonder if its maybe my fault. Was I doing something wrong, should I have done something differently, did I not show him enough attention or maybe I should've done the things he secretly wants, the same things he now does with prostitutes? We do have sex though not as often as before. The main thing is he’s never given any indication of wanting anything else. I just don't know if I should open up to him and lay out my shortcomings or things I maybe didn't do, and try to think of a plan to take things forwards without leaving him. Or should I not be forgiving him at all? Feels like the women there pin all the blame on us and I'm confused.

OP posts:

Roggers · 28/02/2023 17:59

I absolutely wouldn’t be forgiving him and wouldn’t be blaming myself if DH did something like that. He would be gone straight away

HaroldsHoodie · 28/02/2023 18:11

YABVU.

I know you're hurting and I know you're devastated.

It was absolutely nothing to do with you or how 'boring' (or not!) you were. That really, truly, is not how it works.

You can't stay with him. You simply can't.

I mean, of course you can - it's entirely up to you. But you really, really shouldn't is my absolute conviction.

Many women would much rather be angry at/blame the other woman.

I wouldn't forgive it. Not under any circumstances. There's no love there, no respect, no kindness. On top of that, which 100% is reason enough to leave, he has shown himself to be a truly grim man.

(I didn't see your previous thread so don't know any more than what you have put here)

stripedsox · 28/02/2023 18:13

I'd be kicking his balls up into his throat. Some of these men are so scummy.

TicketBoo23 · 28/02/2023 18:14

You have three choices when you want a different sex life and you have integrity;

Try to change things with your partner... Discuss it with them, leave if you cannot.

Agree an open relationship

Leave

You say he didn't do 1. And that would be in line with the fact that it is generally BS.nits an excuse. They don't want to charge or improve their sex life with their partner, it's "boring" because it's the sake person for years. prostitution is not. End of.

They'll never do because they are cheaters & cake waters

They don't want their partner doing what they're doing.

They want sex with different people. One person cannot provide that for them. That's why they don't discuss it and try to change it etc with their partner.

Excuses excuses excuses.

TicketBoo23 · 28/02/2023 18:15

*cake eaters, obviously

ReneBumsWombats · 28/02/2023 18:16

Hugh Grant was caught with a sex worker while he was in a relationship with a young Elizabeth Hurley and Tiger Woods visited them while married to a Swedish model.

Whatever the reasons, it's not because the woman at home is boring. It's almost as if the fault is entirely with a lying arsehole who commoditises women.

BoneTiredMother · 28/02/2023 18:16

He should be gone. You are not at fault in any way. Have a health check.

Daisybee6 · 28/02/2023 18:17

It's not your fault AT ALL

If he wasn't satisfied he should have spoken to you, tried to work on it and if it turned out you were not compatible anymore he should have left.

He's a disgusting human being

OnlyFannys · 28/02/2023 18:19

I remember your thread, he is only being nice to you because he doesnt want you to divorce him and take half his assets. Get copies of all financial documents and file for divorce, this man is disgusting and you deserve so much better. Most importantly, NONE of this is your fault. I hope you are ok op, this must be awful

TicketBoo23 · 28/02/2023 18:19

Prostitute sex is not like sex with a partner.

I suppose it might be similar ish to sex with a totally new partner but ....

Prostitute sex is something different everytime (unless they repeatedly see the sane prostitute, many times which is not that usual .... To the contrary, punters discuss trying out different ones, travelling to try different ones etc like they're desserts or restaurants or whatever).

It's a bit of a sweetie shop.

And it's entirely about sex. A sexual transaction, devoid of any wider responsibilities, feelings, normality etc.

If someone likes it or gets used to it, it is not comparable to ahd not replaceable by regular non prostitute sex.

A punter is generally a punter for life.

Prostitutes on here have even said their clients will show them pics of their beautiful wives and girlfriends.... But they're still paying for sex with prostitutes.

Notimeforaname · 28/02/2023 18:20

Please leave him. He uses prostitutes. What else do you need??

If he can get away with that, I can only imagine what else he'll call you apart from boring.
And I'm not saying that to be mean op..he speaks about you like youre dirt on the bottom of his shoe and he treats you as less.

He will never respect you.
And if you stay with him he will know you dont respect yourself.

BoneTiredMother · 28/02/2023 18:20

stripedsox · 28/02/2023 18:13

I'd be kicking his balls up into his throat. Some of these men are so scummy.

That. Definitely that.

Daisybee6 · 28/02/2023 18:20

And I'm still seething about that seedy website full of low life pathetic men

BumblebeeWest · 28/02/2023 18:22

I do remember your last thread. You’re being enormously unreasonable to yourself, thinking you should take on any responsibility whatsoever for your H being a vile cretin who uses - and reviews! - women as though they are things instead of people. He’s the problem, not you, not anything you’ve done or not done. Nothing you could have done would have changed the fact that this is how he sees women, this is what he does to women. He’s just irretrievably horrible and you’re best off out of it. Get yourself a good lawyer, and get on with your life, leave him behind.

HaroldsHoodie · 28/02/2023 18:23

Sorry just noticed a mistake - meant many women will blame the woman in any scenario, not just the 'other woman' in cheating situations. Even in a scenario that isn't personal to them in any way, it's more comfortable to make it the woman's fault. It's also a reflection of internalised misogyny (as well as having other potential roots).

But my point is that most people will blame the woman. That does not mean it's an accurate and fair appraisal of what happened and what led to it.

olympicsrock · 28/02/2023 18:26

Leave the dirty bastard . Not your fault in any shape or form.

HaroldsHoodie · 28/02/2023 18:27

Sigh. Another clarification...most people in certain demographics. Plenty of (decent) people won't! But many people do.

Haven't eaten today and it's probably time to get something into me!!

TicketBoo23 · 28/02/2023 18:27

Daisybee6 · 28/02/2023 18:20

And I'm still seething about that seedy website full of low life pathetic men

I wouldn't read reviews on UK punting then.

Bulleted descriptions of women according to body parts - tits, arse, pussy, figure, hair, face, skin.
It's clear hardly any of them speak (or read or write) good English.... Otherwise they'd be in prostitution probably.
They're "surly" clock watchers (unhappy, reluctant prostitutes).
"Sergei" arranged the booking/was onsite (their gang member pimp)
They had to use a mattress on the kitchen floor cause all the bedrooms were in use.
Off her face on drugs but he just had to experience the deep throat blowjob everyone was talking about so he went ahead.
McDonald's nearby for some scran after the punt.
Oh and the trans women ones they call "girls" even while they perform sex acts on their (the prostitute's) penises. And the fact they don't even use condoms have the time cause they're on "prep".

Belle du hour in 5 star hotels, it is not ..... I'm spite of half the population (including on here) insisting that's what prostitution is like.

TicketBoo23 · 28/02/2023 18:27

Otherwise they'd not* be in prostitution probably.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/02/2023 18:30

Oh OP, I'm so sorry it turned out to be your scummy husband. It must have been absolutely devastating to read that.

It is absolutely nothing to you with you or what you did or didn't do. It's him, all down to him, his choices, his actions.

If I were you, I would kick his vile arse out. I couldn't get over the things he said about you and your marriage. Let alone the cheating.

TicketBoo23 · 28/02/2023 18:32

I wonder would the same people agree that it was the husband's fault for being "boring" etc if a woman was fucking male "escorts" behind his back?

She'd be called an old slapper and would be out the door pronto.

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/02/2023 18:32

I had a good nosey on that forum.

What struck me most is whilst they were generally saying that their wives/partners are 'boring' in bed and day to day life and don't do the filth that floats their boat, yawn blah blah...

It's bullshit.

They often don't ask or discuss the sex stuff, they expect their partner to guess...

Many of them are NOT getting particularly outrageous filth from SW either, in fact the only thing that is outrageous filth is that it is a SW and it is not their partner.

They're also not getting anyone significantly better looking than their partner in most cases!

Many of them seem to be getting a pretty minimal experience, far less than they'd get from a partner (assuming you know, that they were nice to their partner, talked to them, listened to them, etc etc) and the really kinky stuff (threesomes for example) are not what they're cracked up to be, or anything beyond basic PIV is an extra they're not going to pay for anyway...

How interesting can a person be when you are simply paying them for an hour or two of their time, a shag and inane chat about likely, made up bullshit (on the SW part anyway). If any of it is exciting, it is again because its fantasy, not real.

So this idea that its alllllllll because their partner is boring and not adventurous in bed is a huge pile of wank!

The more time and money they invest into their 'hobby' of using SW's, the less they invest into real life, real relationships, the more boring those become, the more annoying they are as they take time from the hobby... and so on.

You can't compete with his addiction and this hobby, nor should you try because the fault does not lie with you, even if you were the most boooooooorrrrring person on earth!

I'd tell him to fuck off, if he wants a fantasy life with no boring bits and only paid for sex, he's welcome... but the divorce is gonna cost him!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 28/02/2023 18:34

He's sleazy scum, OP, shit on your shoe, who thinks he can buy consent. It's nothing you've done or not done, there's something wrong with him. Please get rid of him.

TicketBoo23 · 28/02/2023 18:37