Update: OH secretly meeting prostitutes online (confirmed) but AIBU to be blaming myself?

[MissLurker]

Thanks everyone who helped to dig a little deeper regarding my suspicions including the private messages of support. You might remember my name, I won’t give away too much regarding my thread or about me. Once again its clear Mumsnet is scoured by the ‘community’ of these so-called ‘men’ who tip off their online buddies. I ask everyone who remembers my thread not to reveal too much in their replies as I don’t want those bastards getting alerted again.

He still doesn’t know 100% it was me who posted that thread though its clear he was tipped off by the ‘community’ as he’s now become super nice to me. I’m still playing dumb though.

I ended up returning to that place and reading other threads there. I cried after reading the comment about him being bored of me and wanting to run off to Thailand. I’ve kept a brave face and put on an act that everything’s normal but I’m really hurting inside. We’ve been married such a long time (he even quoted the exact amount of years).

Some of the comments on other threads there (even by the few women who seem to be prostitutes) are blaming the wives for the sex drying up and men resorting to meeting them.

However that ‘boring’ comment upset me the most and all these other comments especially by the few women have made me wonder if its maybe my fault. Was I doing something wrong, should I have done something differently, did I not show him enough attention or maybe I should've done the things he secretly wants, the same things he now does with prostitutes? We do have sex though not as often as before. The main thing is he’s never given any indication of wanting anything else. I just don't know if I should open up to him and lay out my shortcomings or things I maybe didn't do, and try to think of a plan to take things forwards without leaving him. Or should I not be forgiving him at all? Feels like the women there pin all the blame on us and I'm confused.

I found my ex paying for sex and frequenting punting sites. In reality he is an unfit, flabby, pink skinned, sweaty muddled aged man, yet he referred to himself as a sexy alpha male. It was from these sites he learned to double dose on viagra, not because he had an issue with his dick, but because he wanted his moneys worth. How fucking grim is that!

These men pay ££ for the women to overlook consent. To me is no different to rape as there sure is no way in hell any of the 20+ year old girls mine was paying for would actually want to have sex, or whatever, with him.

Did you know that a lot of these men purposely do not wash or brush their teeth before they meet up with the women, because they get off on these women not being in a position to refuse sex. Again, rape!

Please seriously consider leaving him, you deserve so much better than someone who treats another human as a thing to get off on.

Absolutely.

That's exactly the website I was referring too, i'm disgusted

I know it's really hard not to take this as a personal slur @MissLurker but let's face it, everything they say on sites like that is going to be excuses/fantasy/trying to pass the blame. No one's going to say Oh I use prostitutes because I'm a sleezebag who wants my cake and eat it, they're always going to try and make it their wives fault. The truth is that half the time they don't tell their wives about their more sordid turn ons because they don't want them involved/like to keep it secret - a lot of men still have the mentality of whores and madonnas.
If you said OK I know about the SW and I'm open to trying your fantasies you could improve your marriage or find yourself in a horrible place where you're doing sexual things you hate because you're afraid to say no.
Please don't belittle yourself, he's not the man you thought he was and he never will be

Why are you continuing in this relationship. I couldn’t share a house with my husband if he was using prostitutes. LTB and move on with your life. Nothing is worth this.

No one's going to say Oh I use prostitutes because I'm a sleezebag who wants my cake and eat it, they're always going to try and make it their wives fault

This. The only way these dickheads can not be ashamed of their own behaviour is to make it "reasonable" ie someone else's fault

He's actually showing his inner insecurities by still avoiding taking responsibility on a p*nter forum

What an idiot. You are better off without him

I remember your post and I'm so so sorry that your worst fears were confirmed 😞.

Please don't take any of the things he said to heart, re being boring etc. I would expect they all say that kind of nonsense to try and impress each other with how 'exciting' and edgy they are and justify their abhorrent actions. Hold your head high, he has knocked your confidence but you are a queen compared to that POS.

I agree with everyone else too, this is a betrayal too far with the timeframe involved and his undeserved contempt and disrespect of you. Please think very very carefully about your next steps, you deserve so so much better and we're all behind you.

Grim. Narcissists and incels the lot of them. People are just pawns to them to be used and discarded - no empathy, no remorse.

Why are you still with him? I don't understand endless posting if you don't take positive action to change things. Don't endure him any longer.

As it's a site for men who use prostitutes, there is an element of playing up to the critical mass, so the blame is always on the women, not the man. Please do not blame yourself he's seeing prostitutes, and I doubt you are boring. But by writing that, he's trying to justify his own behaviour. Remember, anyone can write anything on the internet. It doesn't necessarily mean it is true. At the same time, many of men in perfectly happy marriages who are having a lot of great sex with their wives still seek out prostitutes. There really isn't any rhyme or reason.

That site is toxic, and if you read too much of it, it can be really hard on one's mental health. Personally, if I was you, I wouldn't look at it again.

Full disclosure, I am an escort but I have been lucky, I guess, in as much as none of my clients are members of that site, nor are there any reviews of me on there. In my experience, men who see prostitutes tend to split into two groups - those who watch porn and want to try things out/have a sexual tick list of different kinds of women they want to have sex with. For this group, it's about sex and nothing else. The other group of men are ostensibly looking for sex, but really, it's about interaction with a woman and they are more focused on personality of the woman they are seeing - many are looking for emotional intimacy and closeness, someone to talk to, rather than sex. This group of men tend not to belong to punting sites although a few do. Unsurprisingly, there is a crossover between both groups.

What I forgot to say is that if your husband is a member of that site, he is more than certainly a habitual user of prostitutes. (something his posts have revealed iirc).

For many men, punting is a hobby, an addiction even, and it's the shebang - the thrill of looking at adverts and pictures, making a booking, withdrawing money, traveling to the punt and the punt itself, not to mention writing about it on that site for the edification of others.

Once a punter, always a punter. It is highly unlikely he will change, even if he promises to.

Ugh. I'm so sorry, @MissLurker
You're worth so much more.

I think men do get bored but not because you are boring it's probably because they just like variety. And the fact they are disgusting pigs of course and I don't understand why they dont stay single instead of cheating

It’s not you it’s 100% him. Those kind of guys in those review sites are purely paying for missionary and a blow job. If they are lucky maybe dodgy and her on top. Nothing extra special it isn’t kink stuff unless they are stepping into the whole trans lady penis thing.

All his getting that you can’t or don’t actually give him is the thrill of going with multiple women for cash behind his wife’s back. That’s the kink or the hobby. Degrading women, you by cheating and using household joint money, her by the fact his paying for a service and leaving such reviews in those sites.

Men on those pages wouldn’t be accepted into proper fetish type groups they are soon weeded out as undesirable. Same as nudists soon spot the weirdo perverts and kick them out.

^This

So sorry OP. He’s absolutely vile.

Leave him OP he's demoralised you enough, find your worth and take him to the cleaners.

I remember you. You are worth so much more than he has allowed you to believe. Please go and read up about prostitution from someone like Julie Bindel. This isn’t a ‘you’ issue, this is a him issue.

No decent human purchases another. This is sexual slavery. You can’t buy consent.

I'd be divorcing him. I like to I'd be fair in a divorce, but in this case I'd be taking as much as I could including that big pension he bragged about.

Divorce him and take him for every penny. Value yourself more. He’s revolting. The sex workers he shags probably laugh at this sad sack of a man, paying for sex and thinking he’s some kind of stud.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I remember your thread and hoped it was mistaken identity, but this confirmation is horrible.
It's 100% not about you.
You're not half a dozen different vulnerable women, so you couldn't be what he wanted and he could never have told you that's what he wanted. This is about him, and about power and commodity.
As a PP has said, your OH reviews human beings for sex on a forum designed for that purpose. And that's not the same as sharing a giggle with your girlfriends about how good a date was in bed - the things he is considering is the raw aspects of their body, their ability to fake enthusiasm, their youth and beauty, and most disgustingly, their value for money. Imagine weighing up a person's value in those terms? It's sociopathic. Your OH has something deeply, deeply wrong with him.

Have you ever left a review for a hairdresser or a meal you had? I bet you considered the feelings and the impact on the individuals involved before posting anything online. Your OH doesn't afford these women the same dignity, so his calling you boring is horrible cruel and inaccurate, but the alternative is worse.

I hope the way you're feeling now is a little blip in an overall journey that takes you far, far away from this man and that you realise your value as a person is not in any way tied to his opinion of you.

If your best friend, or your mum or sister, were in your position, would you think they were in any way to blame for their partners actions? I'm sure you wouldn't, not even for a second. Give yourself the same respect as you would them.

He’s disgusting! What sort of man pays to do that?

I don’t understand why you are pussy footing around him and second guessing yourself though.

Dude?

Your shortcomings? Fuck him (not literally) and those enabling where's making money of agreeing it's the wife's fault.

Motherfuckers.

Whores, not where's.

I understand - it's easier to blame ourselves than accept we're with a cheating, pathetic excuse etc etc. Then we don't have to upset our lives, because it's our fault.

The self blame stops us from doing what we need to which is KICK HIM OUT.

Bored was he ?! Boo hoo. I bet at times he hasn't exactly lit your fire and it's really really not a justifiable excuse (not that there ever is one) to hire someone else for sex.

I was pathetically an absolute doormat. I almost lay on the floor and said tread all over me.

Don't be me.

You need to get yourself to a health clinic and get an STI screen. You can’t blame yourself for the fact that this bastard has been putting your life at risk @MissLurker