Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is zero benefit to telling people who are lonely that this is bad for their health

71 replies

salutsandy · 28/02/2023 13:52

Just heard a smug thing on the radio about how having no social contacts is the worst thing for your health. I've heard this before but it made me think, what if you're listening to that and you are lonely, what on earth is the point of this? A lot of people who are lonely do try to make friends, there are often threads about this on MN.

OP posts:
Warrensrabbit · 28/02/2023 13:56

I think it is a real wake up call for family members who maybe don’t check in with relatives as much as they should.

I always make a point of chatting to my elderly neighbours, why wouldn’t you? But if it makes people stop and think about the impact that stopping for a natter can have on someone then it is a good message

Original poster
salutsandy · 28/02/2023 14:00

I agree about stopping for a natter. The radio thing said you MUST have at least one person you could phone at 3am if you were feeling upset and worried (or something like that) and I think a lot of people don't have that.

OP posts:
CarPoor · 28/02/2023 14:01

I guess not so much for the people that are lonely but to remind you to com

StopStartStop · 28/02/2023 14:01

There's no point, OP. If they were capable of making and maintaining friendships and relationships, they would probably have already done so.

CarPoor · 28/02/2023 14:02

Sorry that didn't fully post. To remind you to reach out to friends and family who might be lonely

StopStartStop · 28/02/2023 14:03

you MUST have at least one person you could phone at 3am if you were feeling upset and worried

I predict many 'friendships' will be ending this week, as people test this out.

Original poster
salutsandy · 28/02/2023 14:04

I predict many 'friendships' will be ending this week, as people test this out
Grin

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/02/2023 14:05

3 am !! That’s a good way of making sure you DONT have a friend to phone….

do these people ever read back what they have written?

Original poster
salutsandy · 28/02/2023 14:05

Some people have all sorts of challenges in life, for instance care leavers.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 28/02/2023 14:07

Jesus, I don’t even think my partner would want me to wake him up a 3am or vice versa!

We do however have a whole load of people awake on MN at all hours. I’ve seen many a supportive thread running through the night.

Bluevelvetsofa · 28/02/2023 14:07

Sometimes, because of the natural order of things, people that you might have phoned at 3am are no longer around. That’s probably why they’re lonely and have little social contact. It can be hard to make the effort to get out and meet people.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 28/02/2023 14:08

salutsandy · 28/02/2023 14:00

I agree about stopping for a natter. The radio thing said you MUST have at least one person you could phone at 3am if you were feeling upset and worried (or something like that) and I think a lot of people don't have that.

Oh are they going to prescribe friends on the nhs?

It’s not helpful at all, rather smacks of kicking people when they are already down. It’s bad enough when, for whatever reason, an individual cannot make friends, but this is really quite …. Well words fail me!
Personally, I’ve found ‘friends’ can have a flipside - they can be destructive, manipulative, draining and expensive. All things very much detrimental to mental health. On balance, I prefer a friend free life - it’s much more relaxing, (for me!) which improves both physical and mental health. Just shows that this medical vision of what we must ALL do, isn’t a one fit for all model.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 28/02/2023 14:10

StopStartStop · 28/02/2023 14:03

you MUST have at least one person you could phone at 3am if you were feeling upset and worried

I predict many 'friendships' will be ending this week, as people test this out.

They would be really lucky if I even heard the phone, let alone picked it up before 3pm the next day!

Original poster
salutsandy · 28/02/2023 14:15

It’s not helpful at all, rather smacks of kicking people when they are already down

That's what I thought. A lot of it is down to luck as much as anything when it comes to life circumstances - you might be single, from a very small family and your relatives have died, you wfh, you've moved a few times and don't have lots of local friends. The people on the news sounded very smug.

OP posts:
Moonicorn · 28/02/2023 14:18

StopStartStop · 28/02/2023 14:01

There's no point, OP. If they were capable of making and maintaining friendships and relationships, they would probably have already done so.

I’m not so sure. MN is a good example of this - so many people complain about not having friends, or rather a ‘support network’ but are very ‘me and my little family’ - they don’t want to open the door to anyone, let alone have the kind of house where people can pop in and have a close but casual friendship with them.

Essentially these people want all the good bits of having friends - babysitters, people to send flowers when you’re ill, people to moan at when needed - but have decided it’s not worth the legwork or having to give back to actually build it.

Moonicorn · 28/02/2023 14:20

And who would phone a friend at 3am?! I wouldn’t do that unless there was an acute emergency - they work and have children, they don’t need to listen to me whinging about boyfriend problems or whatever at that time

Cornelious2011 · 28/02/2023 14:21

If someone is motivated then (with some exceptions) people can create networks of support/ friends. It isn't always easy and you have to put the effort in, but it's rarely impossible. It's sad to think that people think there are no options- neighbours, family, work colleagues, support groups, baby groups, hobbies, church etc. Friends don't become friends overnight. It takes time.

The 3am thing though- my phones on silent at night so I wouldn't hear a call even if someone wanted me.

MoltenLasagne · 28/02/2023 14:23

Jeez, who the hell thinks calling someone at 3am is acceptable? No wonder no-one has "friends" if that's the expected standard.

I mean, we're due our second baby soon and we've already agreed if things happen in the middle of the night we'd have to have DH deal with DC1 until people are awake and that's with his family nearby.

Rebel2 · 28/02/2023 14:24

StopStartStop · 28/02/2023 14:01

There's no point, OP. If they were capable of making and maintaining friendships and relationships, they would probably have already done so.

For some of us it's not our fault
I had long term friendships which have ended because
They had children, and I don't so they only hang out with people with children
They got married, and now only hang out with other couples or have children, refer to point 1

I mean I tried but when you keep getting sidelined because "I didn't think you would want to come/it's couples only/oh it'll be all kids there/it was soft play"

Moonicorn · 28/02/2023 14:25

Cornelious2011 · 28/02/2023 14:21

If someone is motivated then (with some exceptions) people can create networks of support/ friends. It isn't always easy and you have to put the effort in, but it's rarely impossible. It's sad to think that people think there are no options- neighbours, family, work colleagues, support groups, baby groups, hobbies, church etc. Friends don't become friends overnight. It takes time.

The 3am thing though- my phones on silent at night so I wouldn't hear a call even if someone wanted me.

Yes I often feel the ‘I’ve tried groups but nobody was friendly’ often means ‘I went a couple of times but didn’t really chat to anyone and they didn’t make me feel completely welcome and one of the gang in 5 seconds flat’.

tattygrl · 28/02/2023 14:26

StopStartStop · 28/02/2023 14:01

There's no point, OP. If they were capable of making and maintaining friendships and relationships, they would probably have already done so.

I disagree - this is way too much of a sweeping assumption. People can end up lonely for all sorts of reasons.

It's not a permanent destination. Loneliness can become an issue in someone's life, and then that person might find a way to connect with someone/people again and loneliness won't be an issue any more. Bullied kids who were lonely at school/uni can go on to have flourishing social and family lives in adulthood. People who have had busy social lives can end up alone in old age. Someone with lots of friends could have a traumatic event and stop being able to socialise, ending up lonely, but could find a way back to being able to connect with people again. Endless factors involved, endless different peoples' lives.

bringandby · 28/02/2023 14:29

OP, I agree. Similarly, there is no point telling insomniacs that getting less than X hours sleep a night is bad for their health, because it's just one more worry to keep them awake at night.

BeetleyCarapace · 28/02/2023 14:30

Well the 3am aspect is obviously for dire emergencies, isn't it? I have one of those friends. If you're calling someone at 3am it's going to be because you're in trouble, or someone's been taken critically ill, or you're locked out of your house, or similar.

The thing about community and support is more interesting to me. I think a lot of people have got quite a dysfunctional idea of community. You see it a lot on the moving threads on here — people want to move locations 'for community'.

Community isn't a kind of on-demand social teat that people can latch themselves onto as soon as the final moving box has been collapsed. True community is as much about what you bring as it is about the other person/people.

It strikes me that many people expect community to be there for them, in the way they expect hot water to be there for them. Like package deals of ready-made friends that occur in certain areas. But they don't consider what they might bring to that community. It comes across as all take and no give. (I know it isn't always like that. But I do think it can be telling in terms of how people view friendship, social connections, and community.)

Original poster
salutsandy · 28/02/2023 14:32

OP, I agree. Similarly, there is no point telling insomniacs that getting less than X hours sleep a night is bad for their health, because it's just one more worry to keep them awake at night

Yes! so true

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/02/2023 14:33

I always wonder how clean the research is on this. I imagine people who have poor physical or mental health will find it more difficult to be social, but also more difficult to exercise, quit smoking, earn a good salary etc. So the correlation is not straightforward, even before you take into account self assessment of social support (two people may perceive the same number and closeness of social contacts to be satisfactory or inadequate). And as someone above said, elderly people are not just dealing with loneliness but also grief and loss, which is a separate issue.

I'm not saying there isn't a real effect, just that a person who has nobody they would call at 3am but eats well, exercises daily, has a fulfilling well paid job, rewarding hobbies and a spaniel probably isn't who they are really looking at.