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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jealous of perfect mums

76 replies

Fatty91 · 27/02/2023 08:57

Am I bad person for being jealous of mums who have no stretchmarks or mum tum after having kids honestly I have 3 dds and look bad stretchmarks and flabby belly.
I know some workout to have a flat stomach but I have friends who dont one being in her early 40s 4 kids not a single stretch mark and a flat stomach she wears crop tops in summer time while im hiding away 😥

OP posts:
MyLittlePonyWellies · 27/02/2023 08:59

I'm sure you are perfect in your own way op! Not to be too cheesy.

I am not looking my best ATM and I know exactly why. I don't think there are many natural beauties at my age though (39). It seems to take a lot of effort.

321gogogo · 27/02/2023 09:00

No one is perfect

Newusernameaug · 27/02/2023 09:00

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Honestly no one except you even thinks twice about your stretch marks, if you want to wear a crop top just wear one. You have to find a way to love yourself and your body tue way you are now.

BigMandysBookClub · 27/02/2023 09:02

Take a walk around your local high street with your eyes wide open (not just paying attention to the people who look great). You will see that very few people look amazing on a daily basis.

Original poster
Fatty91 · 27/02/2023 09:14

I wouldn't be comfortable also another reason I couldn't id because I'd get some funny looks I've had a baby a few weeks ago so wouldn't be a pretty sight nobody appreciates stretchmarks and overhanging stomach.

OP posts:
Thepurplelantern · 27/02/2023 09:16

No such thing as a perfect Mum and it might help you to know that attempting to be perfect is a survival (coping) mechanism not something to be aspired to. Humans sees not perfect.

ThatWriterInTheCorner · 27/02/2023 10:26

Good God woman, cut yourself some slack! Apart from anything else - at a few weeks post-partum, you are still healing and recovering. How you look today (which I am 100% sure is absolutely fine and normal) is different from how you will look six weeks from now (which will also be fine and normal). Congratulations on your baby.

Original poster
Fatty91 · 27/02/2023 10:28

I don't know how those mums who do look slim and glam all the time fit it all in iv got my hair up in a bun with no makeup and still got all my baby weight on me 7 weeks later I should give myself time its early days but can't help but compare myself to those mums who look great pushing a pram i seen a group of mums last week looking fresher faced and slimmer than I do with very young babies i was wondering why I look so haggard in comparison.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 27/02/2023 10:33

Perfectly normal to be envious, I feel the same, but try to stop it at a brief passing moment and move on. No one has perfect everything, there will be aspects of your life they would like too. Enjoy what you have.

KievsOutTheOven · 27/02/2023 10:33

I find it takes about a year for things to settle into the new normal after birth, tbh. My son just turned 1 and my stretch marks have now faded to basically nothing. That doesn’t mean they weren’t there a few months ago though!

Also, it literally doesn’t matter. There is no such thing as a perfect mum. Some people have their bodies snap straight back to how they were before pregnancy, some don’t. Some get PND, some don’t. Some are naturally patient with their children, some aren’t. Some do instagram worthy crafts every weekend, some don’t.

You could be looking jealously at the mum with the “perfect body” while she is looking jealously at you because her husband doesn’t help and yours does. Or because you have a handle of the kids behaviour and hers are horrible little monsters. And so on …

CanofCant · 27/02/2023 10:33

It's only been 7 weeks! Give yourself a break, it is really jarring the change in your body after pregnancy. Do things that will make you feel better without putting too much pressure on yourself.

So you have three DC and the youngest is 7 weeks? No wonder you don't feel tip top, you must be tired and getting into a new routine.

And no, you're not a bad person to feel jealous. We all have moments of envy, just don't let it consume you and blind you to what you do have.

JenniferBarkley · 27/02/2023 10:36

7 weeks?! Ah here OP, at 7 weeks you won't know which way is up. Give yourself a break. What would you say to a friend who was saying these things about herself? Be equally kind to yourself.

skgnome · 27/02/2023 10:38

No one is perfect
the seemingly perfect looking people just know (have spent a lot of time learning) what works on their body, and how to make their assets work for them
I’ve seen ladies looking amazing on poolside… and if you look closely they do have stretch marks and cellulite… however they accessorise and distract from those areas
and long story short, no one really cares… most of the time you are your worst critic
have you ever seen a pic of you 5 years ago and think “I looked great back then” - now stop and think, did you actually felt great back then? Probably not… it’s really about feeling good with yourself and people perceive that
just “fake” your confidence and it will eventually become real one

Original poster
Fatty91 · 27/02/2023 15:01

I know what i look like now isnt even close to looking my best im 3 stone heavier nothing fits I'm surprised my partner hasn't had an affair.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 27/02/2023 15:06

Things aren't always what they seem. I've had children and I have no stretch marks. I'm pretty slim. However, I do have bladder, bowel and uterine prolapses due to childbirth. I've also had cancer and have scars from surgery. Would much prefer to have a few stretch marks!

CanofCant · 27/02/2023 15:10

It is still early days though OP. I put between four and five stone on with each of my three kids. I'd just start to get in the swing of healthy eating and fitness then I'd get pregnant again. My youngest is a year and a half now and I'm at the point where I feel able to focus on getting back into shape and eating healthily instead of appeasing my misery with junk food. Takeaways are my instant gratification then I feel guilty and regretful after eating them. Can't afford the cost or the calories. Sorry for the waffle, my point is everyone has their sore spots and you will feel better eventually. You are in survival mode at the moment and taking care of everyone else before yourself.

Your partner won't have an affair, if he did it would be because he's less than, not you.

Catsonskis · 27/02/2023 15:40

Op are you ok love?

everyonrs down about their appearance post partum, but surely after 3 babies you know they expecting to look thin and fabulous at 7 weeks is unlikely/not an every day thing, and expecting your partner to have an affair is just all kinds of worrying and self deprecating!!!

I have a 5m old who is waking me (if I have even gone back to sleep) every 45 mins for the last 6 weeks, I have a cold and a crazy toddler. I’m at breaking point, living in uncomfu clothes that don’t fit as I’m skint and no bra because it’s too many things to fiddle with them dd demands feeding every 25 mins. But the other day she napped unexpectedly longer than usual so to make myself feel better I threw on some make up, curled the ends of my hair and chucked s cute hat over the rest of my birds nest and some big celeb style sunnies on and went out for a walk. If you’d have seen me you’d prob think I looked amazing and glam etc. but behind the glasses I was crying. The rest of the week my hair was in 2 French plaits like a school girl, mismatched socks, and I forgot to brush my teeth more than once.

TLDR: looks can be deceiving, and you might have caught them on a good day/hour!

IVFbeenverylucky · 27/02/2023 16:16

You have 3 DC, one of them seven weeks old, and you have time to think about this crap????
Are you okay? PND? Anxiety? I just don't get this thread.

MoltenLasagne · 27/02/2023 16:21

You're 7 weeks pp - your uterus has probably only just healed the massive wound from where your placenta was attached. Give yourself time.

Also, you're judging only the outer appearances. I looked like I "bounced back" after my first - in reality I had to have intensive post natal physio to deal with prolapse and I'm now dealing with similar issues during my second pregnancy.

CanofCant · 27/02/2023 16:22

IVFbeenverylucky · 27/02/2023 16:16

You have 3 DC, one of them seven weeks old, and you have time to think about this crap????
Are you okay? PND? Anxiety? I just don't get this thread.

That's definitely going to make her feel better. Good job.

Why is OP feeling low about her body 'crap'? It's most like exasperated by her having loads on her plate and giving birth less than two months ago.

I'm assuming you sailed through this period due to your comment, do you have any useful and practical suggestions? What made it so easy for you? Is it just that you're not as shallow and less consumed by this crap?

Honest to fucking God.

Original poster
Fatty91 · 27/02/2023 16:28

Thanks not ! Do you think i should just completely forgot my own existence unless it's about my kids?? I'm allowed to have my feelings bloody hell i dont need people like you jumping on me FFS.

OP posts:
IVFbeenverylucky · 27/02/2023 16:29

@CanofCant
Yep, definitely less shallow! I've DC aged 1 and 2 and I'm 11 weeks pregnant with DC3.
Really don't understand why anyone over 17 would want to wear a crop top anyway; they are vile.
It's a really weird thing to be bothered about in February when you have a 7 week old! Even weirder to start a thread on this.

DuplicateUserName · 27/02/2023 16:32

Fatty91 · 27/02/2023 15:01

I know what i look like now isnt even close to looking my best im 3 stone heavier nothing fits I'm surprised my partner hasn't had an affair.

Would you have an affair if your partner gained 3 stone?

CanofCant · 27/02/2023 16:34

Then don't post. You've just actively made her feel worse. Why do you think that's okay?

I think you're quite odd to not have the self awareness to realise you're being unreasonable. Hopefully no one will behave that way toward you when you are feeling low.

IVFbeenverylucky · 27/02/2023 16:35

???!!!!
Never said anything about OP not thinking about her own existence. Just had to laugh out loud and someone with a seven week old (plus 2 others) thinking they are not perfect/could be improved because they have a normal body for anyone who's recently given birth.
Think about yourself, but maybe not be so hung on your appearance, but focus on more important parts of yourself.