Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Jealous of perfect mums

76 replies

Fatty91 · 27/02/2023 08:57

Am I bad person for being jealous of mums who have no stretchmarks or mum tum after having kids honestly I have 3 dds and look bad stretchmarks and flabby belly.
I know some workout to have a flat stomach but I have friends who dont one being in her early 40s 4 kids not a single stretch mark and a flat stomach she wears crop tops in summer time while im hiding away 😥

OP posts:
Fatty91 · 28/02/2023 08:16

Its been a long standing issue to be honest we argued a lot because of me accusing him of cheating not wanting him to go out with friends plus hardly had sex before pregnancy i've never had the energy for it.
He's not violent or anything like that stuff been said in arguments mostly.

OP posts:
Maybebabyno2 · 28/02/2023 08:16

Fatty91 · 28/02/2023 08:04

No he hasn't pressured me no but I'm wondering what hes thinking we never really had sex when I was pregnant I was to tired he used to say he'd pay a prostitute for sex if it doesn't improve so yeah I do worry hel get someone who's slim and prettier sometimes when I've put on weight makes me feel ugly as fk and that he's only with me because he can't get someone thats attractive.

Jesus Christ! No wonder you're feeling like shit. Your DH sounds like an absolute twat. As if he threatened you with prostitutes if your sex life didn't improve! Regardless of pregnancy, this is a really awful way to treat your partner!

journeyofinsanity · 28/02/2023 08:22

Yes, some women bounce back. Some women don't gain much pregnancy fat. Some women don't get stretch marks or have babies that wake all the time.
Other women struggle with infertility and look at mothers of any shape with sadness and envy.
Other women pile on 4 stone and look like a tub'o'lard for 2 years (🫣). The point is we are all different pre, during and post pregnancy if we are lucky enough to be able to have dc.
Be kind to yourself. It's a rare woman who ends up with no signs of having a baby. I know a taut tummied mum who struggles with urinary incontinence after giving birth. It's not a competition. Focus on you and your journey and your amazing family

Thisresonateswme · 28/02/2023 08:26

There is no such thing as perfect, OP. A few useful reminders for me were:

  • you don't know what's going on in people's private lives
  • you don't know what people are going through in their internal world
  • you have plenty of time to make changes if you really would like to, but only because you want it
  • every person is different and goes back to normal (whatever normal is) in their own time.
So if at the moment you want to indulge in the food you love, have rest at home with no shower, don't want to go out to the park with the baby, do it. It's only been 7 weeks, very, very early.
waterlego · 28/02/2023 08:43

Violence isn’t the only form of abusive behaviour OP. I couldn’t be with a man who spoke to me like that .

Conkersinautumn · 28/02/2023 08:45

You don't feel much for your partner or respect them if you assume they only want you for your body. Give yourself a shake

Conkersinautumn · 28/02/2023 08:46

Wait. Did I not read the thread?
I thought this was someone moaning about their natural weight gain.

waterlego · 28/02/2023 10:43

You might have missed a few posts @Conkersinautumn

SadGirl6 · 28/02/2023 10:44

I can sympathise OP! Can’t understand the mean comments. Why is it such a crime to not want your body ruined forever by stretch marks and to feel ugly in comparison to other women?!

I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant with my 3rd, depressed, and I’m terrified of how I will look after this baby. My boobs were ruined forever by the first already so I’ve no hope there. But I was holding onto my flattish stomach for dear life. I’m one new stretch mark away from a full breakdown.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 28/02/2023 11:24

@Fatty91

OP, I find your thread really odd, to the point I wonder if it is real because of the weird drip feeds that you seem to say so flippantly. There are many issues here:

You seem to hold an enormous amount of worth and validation on appearance and weight. "Perfection" to you is a 40yr old mother in a crop top. I think it's ok to feel a bit rubbish in the period after childbirth, when everything is transforming and not how it was before, but would you really suddenly feel perfect if you could walk around showing your stomach? How about when your child sleeps through the night, or when you've nailed bathtime, first smiles, words, steps...

I think you need to take a step back and look at why this doesn't seem to be as important as being "flabby" or not.

Even your username "fatty" that you've chosen for yourself, out of every word you could have selected. You seem to identify as your weight.

Your partner sounds like a dickhead. That's a separate issue. The prostitute comment, if it was a one off, is thoughtless and unkind, and probably a reflection of exasperation and inconsideration, rather than him being a truly evil person. Still not ok that he said it, what I mean is, doubtful he actually meant it, and more of a stupid heat of the moment comment by a man frustrated in a sexless marriage - too blinkered to see the valid reasoning why.

It will sound harsh, but I'm just being direct with you now - you say you are so miserable and jealous of slimmer people, but acknowledge you are doing nothing about it. Well, change that. Go for a walk with the pram. Just a little exercise like that will improve your mental state and your physical state. It's surprising how much you can initially lose with a little effort. It gets harder to lose the very final bits, but the initial loss is much easier. Every little helps.

For what it's worth, I'm a "perfect" mum, to you. My twins are fantastic, but feral, and frankly should be potty trained by now and that's a failing on my part. They don't behave in restaurants so we never get to enjoy a family meal out. My jealousy comes from mothers whose children are walking nicely beside them, and not whinging to be carried and plonking themselves on the floor. From mothers whose children sit and eat their food nicely in a restaurant. From mothers who only have one at a a time to potty train, and don't have to carry a massive changing bag for two everywhere they go. From mothers who can twirl their DD's hair into lovely bows and plaits, while mine yells "ouch, get off" furiously if I have the audacity to even brush it, and so walks round looking like a tiny Miriam Margoyles. I'm jealous of the mothers who have mum friends and a social life with their children, because they only have one toddler, who can sit on mummy's lap, while she drinks her tea and chats. Whereas all I have is, as soon as they see their little friend sitting on their mum's lap, is them both wanting to sit on mine: "MY turn to sit there! Get off, my turn!" and I can hear nothing over the bustle, which inevitably turns to tears when both are told to stop it, and then I can't comfort both, properly, simultaneously. I've lost count of the times I've just looked at a mother enjoying time with her child, and relaxing in a social setting, and I get this inner twinge of "oooh, you smug bastard, with your free hand."

Can you tick off any of those things I mentioned? Then I'm jealous of you. Difference is, I can't do anything at the moment to change the fact I have two toddlers, but one pair of hands, so I take a breath and tell myself it's not forever and I'm riding it out. You can, however, do something about what bothers you. Your baby is nearly 2 months old, and is your third. You know what you're doing, so can absolutely start taking a little exercise, or watching your food intake. If something makes you that miserable, and you have the ability to change it, then don't make excuses, be accountable to yourself and take the first step. Take some time to understand why weight is such an overriding part of your life, and maybe work on that too.

All the best OP xx

NowAAT · 28/02/2023 11:50

waterlego · 28/02/2023 10:43

You might have missed a few posts @Conkersinautumn

Well the thread took a massive turn. Not really sure what's it about now tbh. Strange.

neverendinglauaundry · 28/02/2023 11:52

I think you have a weird definition of perfect 😂
Congratulations on your baby

Fatty91 · 28/02/2023 12:18

It's a genuine post yes I choose username to what I felt at the time I've always struggled since I was 19 I'm 31 now I was constantly told how fat and ugly I was a child.

OP posts:
bitingthedust · 28/02/2023 12:22

IVFbeenverylucky · 27/02/2023 16:37

Ask a silly question, get a response pointing this out. And yes, with a seven week old, you shouldn't be thinking of such nonsense.

I think I know what you mean. I didn't have any expectations or cares on myself that early on after giving birth. Was happy to get through the day.

Randomizer · 28/02/2023 12:40

I've had one baby not three, but my belly is the same as before having her. Flat as a board, zero stretchmarks. And I'm absolutely gutted about it! I really wanted stretch marks and a mum tum and was unreasonable upset about it going back to normal. I really wanted that physical marker of what my body had done, what it was capable of, to look at throughout life and kinda reminisce that my baby had been at home in there. I think it's beautiful when a woman's body has proof of having created life. Stretchmarks are gorgeous, like tiger stripes or lightning. I don't want to be able to walk around in a bikini and people assume (if they even think about it) I've never been pregnant. Wear your tum with pride <3

TwinsAndTiramisu · 28/02/2023 12:54

Fatty91 · 28/02/2023 12:18

It's a genuine post yes I choose username to what I felt at the time I've always struggled since I was 19 I'm 31 now I was constantly told how fat and ugly I was a child.

It is very likely that your feelings are nothing to do with perfect mums. If you didn't have children, you'd still be comparing "fat and ugly" you with "perfect" peers. I'm so sorry that you were made to feel this as a child, because it seems this has become ingrained in you for life.

Your DH, while being a plank for making those remarks, still wants a sexual relationship. Think about it - if he wasn't attracted to you, why would he want that? That's already one person who doesn't think you are "fat and ugly" and one of the most important people too. You already say you have accused him of cheating and not been to great towards him. Do you have genuine reason to think this, or is this always in the sense of "I'm so fat you must be cheating" coming from you?

Who made you feel "fat and ugly" when you were little? Or was this manifested in yourself when you felt other children were more successful in achievements/friendships than you, and you decided this was down to your appearance? Were you bullied? Many PP have suggested counselling, and I think they are bang on. Childhood bullying sticks with us. My best friend, is gorgeous, and two years ago she had a nose job. Told no one, just disappeared for a couple of weeks. We all had no idea why and presumed maybe it was a medical thing. She looks equally gorgeous now. When I asked her about it, turns out in primary school, some little boy called her big nose and others joined in, and she has felt self conscious about it her whole life. Truly believed that it ruined her face. Spend 30+yrs feeling ugly, anxious, not good enough, all because of one little boy, aged 7.

Maybe counselling would have helped her. She's certainly got a new found confidence since the surgery. Maybe that was a better option for her.

I guess, bluntly, you have something that's making you miserable, and you have two ways to tackle it. The first is to dig deep into why those feelings are so strong, and dealing with it head on, in therapy. The second is to deal with the physical issue. Diet. Surgery. Exercise. Only you will know if any of those things will work/are viable for you. Obviously not surgery right now.

Fatty91 · 28/02/2023 13:00

Stretchmarks ok cool but you really don't want a buldging mum tum it's a pain in the ass for me when im trying to find flattering clothing I couldn't wear anything tight around the stomach area it looks terrible and I'd never wear a bikini abroad.

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 28/02/2023 13:06

I honestly dont know why you would care about looking good for a man that said he would use prostitutes. Full stop.

Raise the bar. I look like shit half the time but I still value myself. Choose to do that instead of worrying about looking sexually appealing to a man.

SleepDebt · 28/02/2023 13:14

Big hugs OP sound like you need to give yourself a break 💓. I totally understand feeling this way but it will get easier with time and you'll learn to love yourself in your post-partum body soon enough - it just takes a bit of work and self compassion.

I am not sure if this helps in any way but my mindset surrounding image has shifted in a positive way since having kids. Before I went through my pregnancies, in my mind -perfection was obtainable, I didn't have stretch marks and I felt that I could achieve that perfect summer body (although absolutely never did 😂). However, I now have an array of different stretch marks and a lovely flabby belly and I know (for certain) that I can't obtain perfection any more - which has been liberating. Now I strive for 'good enough' and it has allowed me to look after my body in the interest of health. Rather than this endless cycle of trying for perfection and using that image to beat myself up with whenever I inevitably failed.

It's hard to see now but you are amazing and so is your body. Those children need a mummy who can show them what beauty is truly about - it's not about a flat stomach and blemish free skin. Please go easy on yourself, there will be things you can do in the future to help yourself - but energy resources with a newborn are limited.

Tractuks · 28/02/2023 13:19

I was talking to my kids the other day saying I know I am a strict mum and can be very serious and I am sorry about it, I love you guys a lot and only want the best for you and my 7 years old said but mummy you might not be perfect for others but for us you are the perfect mummy for us and in that moment I felt terrible and awful and really jealous of all the mums out there who are genuinely a great mum, fun and easy going and not a strict mum like me. I guess what I am saying is that we all have insecurities and it's okay to feel like this but don't let it stop you being a mum.

mondaytosunday · 28/02/2023 13:30

I know a woman who had eight kids and had the body of a teenager. Her husband beat her and the kids (she's had a ninth with her new partner after she finally left).

NowAAT · 28/02/2023 13:46

Fatty91 · 28/02/2023 13:00

Stretchmarks ok cool but you really don't want a buldging mum tum it's a pain in the ass for me when im trying to find flattering clothing I couldn't wear anything tight around the stomach area it looks terrible and I'd never wear a bikini abroad.

Why are you still with someone who's threaten to pay prostitutes for sex?

reddwarfgeek · 28/02/2023 14:00

So sorry you feel this way, OP.

It is such such early days. 7 weeks post partum! Please don't worry. Every mum has things they don't like about their body after childbirth. If they have a good body, they may have incontinence, PND/MH issues, relationship problems, a non sleeping baby.
It will not be this way forever. One day you will have more time for yourself.There are little things you can do to help yourself feel better if you want to.
If you want to loose a bit of weight, why not try myfitnesspal to log food? It can be tough tracking your food but once you start it becomes a good habit. I know it's hard to fit in with your new baby so give yourself time.
When I wanted to tone my tummy I planked a few times a day, only takes 5 minutes and you can fit it into your routine. Work up to a couple of 1 minute planks.
Do you wear make up? 5 minutes a day with a bit of tinted moisturizer, mascara and lipbalm is all you need to feel more polished.

I'm so sorry your partner said about prostitutes when you were pregnant. Obviously this is going to make you feel worse. Have you spoken to him about why he said that? He needs to understand you have just given birth and sex will be off your radar! I hope he can be more understanding.

Hope you can get through the days ok and start to feel better about yourself soon x

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 28/02/2023 14:07

I’ve had 4 kids, I’m a size 8 and look good in a bikini. I’m also raising those 4 kids alone, STBXH with a serious drug addiction, barely see said kids as I’m working 50 hour weeks in a failing health care system and when I do see them I’m knackered and impatient. I feel like I’m dragging them up with zero support except that which I pay for. No family within 300 miles. I bet you’re a better mother than I am by a country mile. Slim does not = perfect. (I lost a stone when I kicked the husband out just saying)

waterlego · 28/02/2023 16:18

I’m one new stretch mark away from a full breakdown.

@SadGirl6, I imagine (hope) you’re being hyperbolic with this comment, but I promise you, if you can work out how to derive self-worth from something other than your appearance, you will live a much more contented life. It’s honestly liberating. Maybe see about some therapy. 💐

Swipe left for the next trending thread