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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell off DS for wanting me

63 replies

ToddlerAdvice · 26/02/2023 21:47

Posting in AIBU to try and get a range of responses.

DS is 2.5, and has an incredibly strong preference for me. I think this is partly innate, partly my parenting style, but mostly because my H is not around very much.

We're trying to get DS to accept my husband more, and while he's happy to play with him, he won't accept comfort or care from him if I'm in the house (or sometimes even when I'm not in the house).

Tonight out of the blue, DH came up to bathtime with us and started trying to get DS to undress independently. I supported DH, and then after a while of it not working, I said "let daddy help you get undressed while I fill up your water bottle", to give DH a bit of an opportunity to get involved. DS protested lots, but after reassurance I went downstairs to sort water, and then obviously stayed down to give them some time. I could hear they were getting nowhere, and DS just kept crying and saying he was waiting for me to come back. Next thing I know, DS has opened the stair gate and come downstairs to get me (didn't even know he could open it...). I just said "you didn't want daddy to help you?", he shook his head and I took him back upstairs.

DH's reaction was that I should have told DS off for coming downstairs to get me and not doing as he was told. He then proceeded to tell me it's my fault he and DS have no bond as I breastfed til 21 months and refused to do sleep training. My view is that DH doesn't spend enough time with DS (max 1 hour a day weekdays, maybe 2-3 hours on weekend days), and that's why they don't have a strong bond.

Should I have told DS off? I think it's not a disciplinary issue, but an emotional comfort one, but maybe that's just my approach all over and I'm too soft...

Getting my hard hat on, do your worst vipers.

OP posts:

MargaritMargo · 26/02/2023 21:51

No of course not. He’s 2.5! He’s still very young. The vast majority of babies and young children have a preference for their mum, even those who adore their dads and spend a lot of time with them will still usually prefer mum for their comfort and support.

Your DH is being unreasonable, it’s nothing to do with breastfeeding, it’s very very normal.

You both just need to continue to support DC to feel comfortable and happy to go to dad for these things, it won’t happen overnight. My kids absolutely adore their dad but will still choose me every single time for bath time, bed time, pretty much any time!

I would give your DP sometime to calm down and reflect and have a serious conversation- you can’t disciple your child into changing their natural instincts, that’s very damaging.

FictionalCharacter · 26/02/2023 22:02

It sounds like your dh doesn’t have much idea of how to parent a toddler that young and your son is probably picking up on this. Suddenly trying to get him to undress himself, when he’s too young to be able to, is very odd. You’d always help a child that young, encouraging them to do what they want for themselves if they show they’re ready. Is dh awkward around your son?
Of course you shouldn’t have told your son off. Is dh keen on “discipline”? Your OP makes me feel uncomfortable. DH is hardly there but expects his child to be as attached to him as to you, and then he starts talking about telling him off for not doing what he’s told. It wouldn’t surprise me if DS is a bit frightened of him.

Beamur · 26/02/2023 22:05

Of course you shouldn't tell him off.
Your DH needs to be a bit more of a grown up about this and (1) not take it so personally and (2) spend more time with DS.
You might have to facilitate this by going elsewhere. DD was super clingy but if I was out of the house (not just in another room, she wasn't daft) she got on just fine with Daddy.

Swashbuckled · 26/02/2023 22:12

Your DH wants your son to be shouted into tolerating him? He needs to change things himself; work on his own relationship with his child so any affection is real; not forced, out of fear of the consequences of not complying.

DelurkingAJ · 26/02/2023 22:16

DH was sad that both DSs were very Mummy focused at that age. But never held it against them. It then did a full 180 about shift with both of them a year or so later (and DH are his words as he realised what hard work it was being so in demand) and now they flip all the time (but at 6 and 10 are big enough to understand they can’t always get the parent of choice!).

Tell DH not to be sad and that the preference will flip soon enough if he’s there for the DC!

Binjob118 · 26/02/2023 22:17

You absolutely should not tell your son off. He is very young and naturally attached to you as his main caregiver. Your husband needs to understand this. Your son will definitely develop more of a bond as gets older with his dad, especially if they do lots of nice stuff together. Maybe get your husband some child development books. Your son is still learning how to regulate his emotions. My 5 year old is still very attached to me but loves daddy time too.

Isthisexpected · 26/02/2023 22:18

Sounds like your husband doesn't know much about parenting or relationships!

NumberTheory · 26/02/2023 22:20

I don’t think you should have told him off, but I can see why DH felt unsupported if you took over once DS came to find you. It does sound a bit like DS can play you off against his Dad. He turns to you because it’s easy, and that does make it much harder for his dad to establish his own parenting style and relationship and find out what works and what doesn’t as you were able to.

I think, though, DH may be trying to do this the difficult way. Interrupting an ongoing activity to take over on occasion is disruptive and asking for trouble. One of the rather brilliant things about young kids is that they and their needs are constantly developing. It might be easier for your DS if instead of trying to take on something where there’s a pattern already established, your DH takes on something that will become much more important as DS gets older. Saturdays, say, with you off doing your own thing all day or all morning. Or the nursery run. So they can really establish a routine of their own. But this does, as you’ve pointed out, require that DH is around reliably and spends significant time focused on DS.

kindercup · 26/02/2023 22:21

Poor kid. He is 2. If he prefers mum he gets mum. Dad gets over it because he puts his child first.

My youngest never wanted me until she was about 9. I was never jealous of the relationship she had with her dad, I was just happy that she had her needs met.

MustardColeDrow · 26/02/2023 22:21

Tonight out of the blue, DH came up to bathtime with us does he ever participate in bath time? Bed time story?

You need to allow your Dh time to build a bond with his son, which he should have been doing from early on. In your shoes I would give them time together, be unavailable during the day on a weekend, not at bedtime or bath time yet, but get your Dh to take him somewhere he loves, the park or something fun. I would get him to be around for bath time but not one on one yet as he seems to have a very strong bond to you.

He has to build it, you can't expect it over night. Even when I breastfed Dh was still changing nappies and winding both of our sons. He has an incredible relationship because he put the work in but also because I supported his relationship with his children.

Onesipmore · 26/02/2023 22:23

Why would you say, you don't want Daddy?

ShirleyPhallus · 26/02/2023 22:23

I like how he thinks you should have told off DS for coming down the stairs instead of him keeping an eye on the child!

Tgis is completely normal and no the child shouldn’t be told off. His dad needs do find some stuff to do with him, games, jokes etc that are theirs. You should take the opportunity to leave the house and leave them to it or get him to take him to soft play or something

CKL987 · 26/02/2023 22:26

Get your husband to read up on attachment theory and he will understand what is going on here (hopefully). I'd suggest he also read up on what age it is appropriate to discipline a child. He could be told off but the best you might get is a change in behaviour due to fear, which is clearly not what is needed here.

UWhatNow · 26/02/2023 22:27

I think your DS is not doing anything wrong but you are not going to encourage a stronger bond unless you back off and leave dad completely to it - tantrums and all. So whilst I wouldn’t have told him off, I would have (in a sing songy lovely voice) taken him back up to his dad and said ‘no Billy… daddy is getting you ready for bathtime.’
And left them to it

You can’t let a 2.5 year old’s emotions dictate your parenting choices. The sooner and clearer he is told in uncertain terms it’s daddy or nothing he’ll stop fussing.

feelinglikeanewparent · 26/02/2023 22:45

It's your fault your DH and DS have no bond 😂

Your DH needs to grow up and start being a parent. His way of doing things doesn't work for your DS and so he needs to adapt and stop looking for other places to lay the blame.

Failing that I'd be telling him to fuck off.

Crunchingleaf · 26/02/2023 22:46

YANBU its normal for a toddler to prefer mom. It generally changes once they get bigger, but care tasks a very important in forming the attachment to the parent aka the caregiver.
Our toddler is a daddy’s boy especially since we brought the newborn home, but in this house daddy does things like bedtime, bath times, gets up with him at weekends, comforts him when he is sick. Apart from breastfeeding DH has been a very equal parent to DS. When I went to hospital to have our 4 week old the toddler wasn’t put out by not having me around as he was used to daddy looking after him.
Be prepared to be blamed for lack of bond between the two of them as there is always posters that will blame the woman when the man can’t step up and do what needs to be done.

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2023 22:50

You reap what you sow.

He hasn’t put in the work and now he’s seeing the result.

You don’t tell him off for seeking the only attachment he has. Your husband needs to build a bond with him.

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2023 22:53

I think your DS is not doing anything wrong but you are not going to encourage a stronger bond unless you back off and leave dad completely to it - tantrums and all.

I completely disagree with this. You don’t encourage a bond with someone else by taking away the safety and warmth he’s used to.

Dad needs to actually build the relationship up independently and then the rest comes naturally.

Housefullofcatsandkids · 26/02/2023 22:54

Given from what you've said he hardly sees him so I'm not surprised he doesn't have a strong bond. If this was the first time your husband had come up to help with bath time I'd have stayed in there for comfort and just have your husband play with him in the bath alongside you and build up that bond. Do note stuff together instead of him taking over. If every time your husband is trying to build a relationship, you leave them alone, your son will associate the two...spending time with daddy means mummy leaves the room. That will only make bonding harder.

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2023 22:57

From our first night home when I was still attempting to bf DH would get up, change the baby and bring him to me for feeding and then wind him (I’d had a very complicated CS and was very weak).

Once we moved to formula it was always shared. He took 6 weeks off after the birth, he takes holiday to cover school holidays, stays home from work when they’re sick, all the stuff that builds those foundations.

Our boys would settle for either of us from the very start.

UWhatNow · 26/02/2023 22:57

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2023 22:53

I think your DS is not doing anything wrong but you are not going to encourage a stronger bond unless you back off and leave dad completely to it - tantrums and all.

I completely disagree with this. You don’t encourage a bond with someone else by taking away the safety and warmth he’s used to.

Dad needs to actually build the relationship up independently and then the rest comes naturally.

Rubbish. If mum were suddenly not around (say a week in hospital or something) the son would miss his mum yes, but he’d automatically fall in with his dad. He’s not a stranger! He’s a parent and a familiar presence from birth.

Singularity82 · 26/02/2023 23:01

Onesipmore · 26/02/2023 22:23

Why would you say, you don't want Daddy?

Agree with this. Poor choice of language and I can see why your husband felt undermined and pushed aside by you.
his blaming you breastfeeding is silly though. And I wouldnt tell your son off at this age but I would be supporting and promoting a stronger relationship with dad.

Eyerollcentral · 26/02/2023 23:08

Singularity82 · 26/02/2023 23:01

Show quote history

Yes I found your language very odd. I would have reiterated that daddy is helping him and to go back upstairs, I’d be there shortly. I can see why your partner wouldn’t be happy if you told him that and I’m sure you wouldn’t like to hear it if the shoe were on the other foot. However he needs to be doing more with the child in any event. It’s normal for a toddler to favour one parent over the other, who knows OP he could favour your husband in a few months time.

UsingChangeofName · 26/02/2023 23:23

This.
I know it won't go down well on MN, but obviously your breastfeeding so long has meant that he feels he hasn't been given the opportunity to be as close to his ds as he might otherwise. Not clear from your OP with your comment about not being prepared to do sleep training, has meant about his ability to be involved in bed time routine either.
You should acknowledge that is how your dh feels, even if you don't agree with the possibility. You have to accept that this is where you are now - whether you disagree about how you got here, and, if you actually want your dh to be involved then you have to help facilitate that and not put the words into his mouth about "not wanting Daddy". I mean, why on earth would you do that ?

The fact you are putting that about yourself into a post when you are trying to make your dh seem bad then also makes me wonder how much of the same is going on sub consciously all the time.

Pinkypurplecloud · 26/02/2023 23:26

It’s normal for a toddler to prefer one parent, but unless a child was really sick or something then mine were not allowed to chose or have favourites (we have certain things they do with a particular parent that’s their “thing”, but not ordinary day to day care). If DH and I agreed DH was doing bath time then that was that. If Mummy was doing bedtime that night then no amount of carrying on led to Daddy taking over. Our children have two competent parents, they don’t usually get to pick which one does what. And sometimes they don’t get either of us, they get Grandma or Aunty or a babysitter and I expect them to deal with that too!

Yes, your DH needs to spend time with his child, but it’s a vicious circle because of course he doesn’t know your son so well or how to do bath time, but he’s not going to learn if you let your toddler dictate things and he never gets that time. I wouldn’t have told your son off, but I would have told him that Daddy was helping him and returned him to Daddy. An hour and day and more on weekends is hardly so little time your son doesn’t know your DH and being helped to have a bath is hardly an emotional thing like eg which parent takes him to hospital.

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