To not tell off DS for wanting me

[ToddlerAdvice]

Posting in AIBU to try and get a range of responses.

DS is 2.5, and has an incredibly strong preference for me. I think this is partly innate, partly my parenting style, but mostly because my H is not around very much.

We're trying to get DS to accept my husband more, and while he's happy to play with him, he won't accept comfort or care from him if I'm in the house (or sometimes even when I'm not in the house).

Tonight out of the blue, DH came up to bathtime with us and started trying to get DS to undress independently. I supported DH, and then after a while of it not working, I said "let daddy help you get undressed while I fill up your water bottle", to give DH a bit of an opportunity to get involved. DS protested lots, but after reassurance I went downstairs to sort water, and then obviously stayed down to give them some time. I could hear they were getting nowhere, and DS just kept crying and saying he was waiting for me to come back. Next thing I know, DS has opened the stair gate and come downstairs to get me (didn't even know he could open it...). I just said "you didn't want daddy to help you?", he shook his head and I took him back upstairs.

DH's reaction was that I should have told DS off for coming downstairs to get me and not doing as he was told. He then proceeded to tell me it's my fault he and DS have no bond as I breastfed til 21 months and refused to do sleep training. My view is that DH doesn't spend enough time with DS (max 1 hour a day weekdays, maybe 2-3 hours on weekend days), and that's why they don't have a strong bond.

Should I have told DS off? I think it's not a disciplinary issue, but an emotional comfort one, but maybe that's just my approach all over and I'm too soft...

Getting my hard hat on, do your worst vipers.

She did not say this, she said “You don’t want Daddy to help you?” Which is completely different.
And Daddy wasn’t helping him. He was trying to get his 2.5 year old son, whom be barely sees and never baths, to get undressed independently. Very odd thing to do and suggests that the father has no idea of his son’s stage of development and what he is or isn’t capable of.
She didn’t undermine her husband at all, let alone push him aside. She left the father to it and he messed up. He let the toddler walk away from him, open the stair gate and go to her, then blamed her!

Firstly Daddy wasn’t helping him. Secondly, the father only sees his child for an hour each weekday and 2-3 hours at weekends. How is his failure to be there almost all the time the fault of the mother breastfeeding? He spends no more time with his child than some visitors would!

@FictionalCharacter i totally disagree. I would have felt undermined in his shoes.

In his shoes would you not have made more of an effort than being with your son just 1 hour per weekday and 2-3 hours on weekend days? That’s not parenting.

Thanks all, this is really helpful - I'm glad I've had a mix of supportive and critical comments, as I genuinely do want to see what I could do differently.

Loads of replies, but first things that occur to me -

I didn't even consider the language I used - I was trying to reflect back what DS was feeling, but of course it's just perpetuating something negative. I'll really look at what I'm saying and the lead I'm taking / DS is therefore following.

We've tried before to get DH involved in bedtimes - around 7-8 months ago we were alternating and it was going ok. I can't remember why it stopped, probably a bout of illness, and then DH never picked it up again even though I suggested it.

Similarly have tried me going out on a weekend morning. Issue; DH has insomnia so struggles to sleep / get up in the morning. I do think he could do more to help himself here and/or suck it up, but I found it such a ballache to get him to wake up that I stopped making the effort after a few weeks. I guess I could try again but with afternoons, just... ugh, I do always feel it's me having to make the accommodations. Probably best for DS that I do though.

Hit post too soon... going to have a re-read of replies though and come back more

Yanbu. Your DH hasn't put the work in to form a bond with his child, what does he expect. Your have a husband problem not a child problem. Fuming for you that he dared blame you for him not having a bond with his own child that he lives with though.

I take it during the week the husband is at work which is why he only sees the child for an hour. What the reasoning is for 2-3 hours a day at the weekend I don’t know.

Why is he only spending 2-3 hours with your son even on weekends?

Have now read your reply
’D’H can’t be arsed to build the bond. To
put the work in. And then blames you.
he could wake up once in a while of a weekend that he would be able to spend more than 2-3h with his son.

he’s a manchild.

and you’re taking control because it’s what’s best for your son?
you have a ‘D’H problem and you’re enabling him by not giving him a kick up the arse. Easier said than done (and done again and again, I know)

I think @Pinkypurplecloud you're on to the balance that we need to strike.

I'd much rather make a plan and stick to it, but he's terrible with making plans. I try to accommodate DH when he feels like / feels brave enough to get involved (he really struggles with the rejection). This is just confusing for DS though and I never know whether I'm best getting back involved or staying out of it.

Equally there are times when we've said DH will do something and then something with work will come up, or he "doesn't feel like doing it tonight" and I haven't held him to it because part of me just thinks "well fuck you, you're losing out". But this has then obviously contributed to the situation we're in now, and probably some subconscious attitude towards DH.

DS goes to nursery 4 days a week and is happy there, so he is looked after by others. We don't have family nearby though, so it's either nursery or us, but being predictable and consistent has got to be the key. At the moment I'm the constant and DH's involvement is a bit random, which is hard on all of us really.

OP can I ask please, does your DH do anything on a regular basis with your DS? If not, then could you perhaps suggest that in order to help build a bond between them, that he takes him to the park on a REGULAR basis. It doesn't have to be at the same time of day each time, but he must take him for example EVERY weekend, and not just cancel because he doesn't feel like it. If the weather is too bad, then he needs to come up with an alternative that they can do together, maybe get on the floor and play something that your DS particularly enjoys, or perhaps take him somewhere like a pet shop where he can look at the fish, rabbits or whatever, but he needs to make it fun, and something that just the two of them do, so that your LO gets used to going places with just Daddy, and they can build from there. Your DH needs to find some fun little things that only he does with your DS, for example, when my child was tiny, my DH started pretending that her teddies talked to her, so he might stand behind the door, and just put teddy round the door, waggling him around, and then saying fun things in a funny voice, LO loved it, and it, and it became one of 'their' things, because Mummy couldn't do it as good as Daddy did. Obviously we don't know if your DH has ever had any experience of playing with young children, but if not, and it doesn't come naturally to him, you might be able to help him by suggesting ideas that he can try. I know that as a young mum I wasn't very good at 'playing' with my LO as I had never had any experience of young children, other than having been one, so felt a bit silly, maybe this is how your DH is? Just a few thoughts which I hope might help.

The weekend time - I'd say 2-3hrs is an average of what I'd call "proper time" where he's actively engaging with DS and not either asleep or doing his own thing - sometimes it is more, but he's never up before 12 and usually not til later, so I've often gone out with DS, we're not back til later afternoon, before you know it it's dinner and into bedtime

Doesn’t sound like you have a family life at all. Why is your husband routinely lying in bed until noon at the weekend? No men I know with young children do this routinely.

@Stopthebusplease no, not regular. I would really like them to have a "thing", they can connect over, but that's a good point about it not needing to be the same thing all the time if weather etc gets in the way

Honestly it's a battle I've tried to fight so many times, and have just run out of steam, but then I don't have insomnia so I don't know what the reasonable / unreasonable line is here.

Nope, I'd agree we don't have a family life. And it is a classic "why did you think he'd change after kids" question. Well - he told me he would, and he's generally been a decent person capable of putting in effort to the things he cares about, so I thought he would.

He needs to go the doctor and get help for his insomnia. You need to lay it on the line that he needs to be present and part of family life or there will be no family. Insomnia doesn’t justify any of his behaviour.

I can settle my ds much quicker than my dh can and he is a super involved dad, mucks in with everything and spends as much time as he can with ds. Breastfeeding is definitely part of it I think and I know at times my dh finds that tough but he also supports and agrees with the decision to breastfeed. I think that you spend a lot of time learning your child's routines and quirks and preferences when on maternity leave and you become a big constant and their safe place. That's tough for a parent who is at work all day to match. But it's just how it is especially now while your ds is so little. I'd sit down with dh and talk about how he's feeling about his role, I'd encourage him to find things to do to bond with your son for eg my dh reads to ds, takes him for walks and sings him silly made up songs. Those are their things. I'd also reassure him that his feelings are valid and it is tough but that as ds gets older that will become easier and other dad's feel that way too. But I'd also encourage him to look at his routine in the week and see where he can spend more time with your ds. Is he having so little time because he's out working or is he away socialising/ scrolling on his phone etc etc ?
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I have insomnia, it sounds like he is doing the wrong this staying in bed until noon (unless he normally works evenings/nights and this is his normal waking time)

Changing his waking time significantly from his normal one at the weekends will interrupt his sleep pattern and make it harder to overcome the insomnia

It sounds like you are having to parent him into being a good parent. And therefore when it fails its your fault.

So for example if you go out on a Saturday morning it's somehow become your responsibility to get him up (I'm assuming he's capable of getting up for work himself) and therefore because you aren't doing that it's your fault he's not bonded with his son apparently.

Yep, I'd say this. You don't want to be living like this.

Finding it hard to take rejection is not compatible with parenting small children.

He needs to sort himself out and work around family life.

However, it's really important to insist children accept being looked after by both parents. All kids have random and powerful preferences, but if you give into them they get worse, because they spent less and less time with the secondary parent. So work on that whilst your partner works on his issues. You should maybe think about couples counselling.

@FictionalCharacter I wouldn't say he's particularly heavy on discipline, but would pull DS up on more behaviours than I do. I very much have a "pick your battles" approach though and let stuff slide if it's more trouble than it's worth. We do try and back each other up generally, there are only some times when I tell DH he's going too far / expecting too much

Thanks @ConfusedNT, that is a good insight. Problem is it's not that dissimilar to his weekday wake up as his team is mostly US based, so he syncs up with them a lot.

It sounds like he could choose to wake up consistently earlier though both weekday and weekend, and I think his sleep hygiene is awful for someone who supposedly has "tried everything" to help with insomnia (apparently tried lots before I met him...)

Thanks all for the advice, support and some good things to think on.

DH and I did have a moderately good discussion about it tonight after everything calmed down, but there's still much more to sort out.

One thing he did say which I didn't realise was how he only ever saw his Dad at weekends growing up due to his work, so he thinks the amount of time he sees DS is actually pretty good. I don't agree, but it sharpens the issue of him expecting equality of attachment without the same level of time input.

Think the solution is probably a mix of suck it up while DS is this small, kick up the arse to better manage insomnia, plan times where I'm out the picture (and stick to it...), but generally laying it out that we can't carry on muddling through like this, and it's not all my fucking fault!

Pinkypurplecloud is talking sense.

Why does he spend so little time with him at weekends?

FWIW I breastfed til 2.5 and my daughter prefers daddy - they built their bond with a lot of nap times in the sling and literally everything besides the feeding. Your DH is being ridiculous. Do mothers only bond through breastfeeding and the rest of the time ignore our babies? Nah.