To not tell off DS for wanting me

[ToddlerAdvice]

Posting in AIBU to try and get a range of responses.

DS is 2.5, and has an incredibly strong preference for me. I think this is partly innate, partly my parenting style, but mostly because my H is not around very much.

We're trying to get DS to accept my husband more, and while he's happy to play with him, he won't accept comfort or care from him if I'm in the house (or sometimes even when I'm not in the house).

Tonight out of the blue, DH came up to bathtime with us and started trying to get DS to undress independently. I supported DH, and then after a while of it not working, I said "let daddy help you get undressed while I fill up your water bottle", to give DH a bit of an opportunity to get involved. DS protested lots, but after reassurance I went downstairs to sort water, and then obviously stayed down to give them some time. I could hear they were getting nowhere, and DS just kept crying and saying he was waiting for me to come back. Next thing I know, DS has opened the stair gate and come downstairs to get me (didn't even know he could open it...). I just said "you didn't want daddy to help you?", he shook his head and I took him back upstairs.

DH's reaction was that I should have told DS off for coming downstairs to get me and not doing as he was told. He then proceeded to tell me it's my fault he and DS have no bond as I breastfed til 21 months and refused to do sleep training. My view is that DH doesn't spend enough time with DS (max 1 hour a day weekdays, maybe 2-3 hours on weekend days), and that's why they don't have a strong bond.

Should I have told DS off? I think it's not a disciplinary issue, but an emotional comfort one, but maybe that's just my approach all over and I'm too soft...

Getting my hard hat on, do your worst vipers.

Sorry, I posted without seeing your updates. So he doesn’t actively seek solutions to his insomnia (I’m an insomniac, it’s awful but you can help yourself), struggles with rejection, doesn’t feel like stuff sometimes (um, but that’s parenting? I don’t feel like being up at 5am, and yet), and isn’t good with plans. He’s being quite lazy about building this bond or putting the effort in, I’d say.

Who does the nursery run? Could he take over there? DP and DD walk in together and it’s one of her favourite things. On weekends, surely his time off family time is the lie-in, and the rest of the afternoon/evening until bedtime should be spent with DS, not doing his own thing? His own thing is sleeping. Do you get to do your own thing after looking after DS all morning on your own?

I breastfed till 20 months and my toddler flips all the time between wanting me and dad.

I don't think you need to tell him off for dad. He was in dads care when he opened the stair gate, so dad should have been there and intervened.

Your husband sounds more immature than your toddler. He needs a parenting class and counseling. I could not stay married to someone who couldn't bring it upon himself to parent his own child, and who then blamed the child and cried about being "rejected" by a child who barely knows him, and then expects you to enable him by "forcing" the child to want to be with him.

This is going to continue throughout your whole marriage if you don't insist something changes. I don't mean just talk to him about it again; I mean insist he go to counseling to figure out why HE feels rejected by his 2 year old child who has bonded with you because HE has rejected spending time with HIM, in exchange for sleeping and 'doing his won own thing." It's like he's the one being neglectful and rejecting the opportunity to spend time with his son and then blaming his son and you and probably everyone else for that... it sounds like a classic narcissist trait or at least very selfish and immature.

This will not bode well for your son OR you if you keep putting up with it and enabling it. I think you should go to counseling as well, and read books about co-dependency and healthy parenting.

What is with so many women on mumsnet being doormats for these awful, selfish men, at the expense of their own children??

Does your husband manage to get up for work in the mornings or isn’t it a 9-5? My dh would gladly stay in bed until 12. But I’m not ok with that, especially when dd was little. Sometimes it’s ok if he’s worked long hours, been out late etc.

I understand sleep issues are awful. I have them myself. However, your dh should make the effort to get up and do things with you, find a space at some stage to have a short nap. It sounds as if what he does with people in the US is far more important to him right now. And if he wants his ds to want to be around him, that will have to change. Ergo the power to make this happen is within him.

My dd much preferred me when she was little. I breastfed until about 2.5. I did bedtime and book most of the time as the sahm. Dh used to play with her take her out by herself to have 121 time and form the bond. If he acted like your dh did yesterday, I’d be having serious words.

Insomnia sounds like an excuse for laziness to me. He spends less than 12 hours a week with his own child. He needs to make an effort rather than make piss poor excuses and leaving you to get on with it. What would happen if, heaven forbid, you were admitted to hospital unwell or worse?

All I can think here is it was bedtime! He got DS wound up at bedtime!

No OP. You didn't do wrong here. There was no prep for DS or discussion with you, and it wasn't working. You said you'd fill up his water bottle then come back, so you had to come back anyway, and honestly, this is a tricky situation as you're also wanting to teach your child to have boundaries around who sees him naked, which is a good thing.

In this situation I'd have chivvied him upstairs saying that daddy was trying to help him, and he really needed to be in the bath by now - ie. I wouldn't butt heads, I would explain what we were trying to achieve etc.

I wouldn't have told him off for not being obedient.

Mind you, my youngest hated anyone seeing him naked from about the age of 2 (well, except if he wanted to get in the bath with me) and my ex probably spent even less time with them than your DP does (I had to force him to do bedtimes, and he'd often skip the story), so perhaps I'm not the best to give advice here.

So he could get up and do the morning routine with his child but instead he leaves it to you and then complains you haven't given him chance to bond?

For the record this

He spends less than 12 hours a week with his own child by @LittleBlueBrioTrain is the issue and that's in his control to solve

I have chronic insomnia, I frequently don't sleep before 3am, and it's pretty rare I get 5 hours sleep in a night. And quite often I am spending more time in a week with my nephew than your DH is with his son

If he wants to bond he needs to get out of bed and stop making it your problem

That was my DD at the exactly the same age and I was blamed too.

By the time she was 6 or 7, she was a daddy's girl and he could do no wrong!

I recommend the big little feelings approach of saying "I love doing xyz with you but today/tonight is daddy's turn. He is really looking forward to doing xyz with you and tonight/tomorrow/when ever will be my turn" he needs to echo the same of saying he is really looking forward to doing xyz with him and remind him next time is your turn. It solved our child preference in a day

I wouldn't tell him off at the age of two. I also wouldn't want to be criticised for breastfeeding and tending to my child's needs without doing sleep training. Your husband should appreciate that you sacrificed so much for your child, not make you feel bad about it! I managed 14 months of breastfeeding and also never left my child to cry and it was no picnic. That would seriously piss me off if it was used against me.

However I understand that he might be feeling rejected, my bil went through a similar thing with his daughter and it really upset him. I would try to think of somewhere your husband could take your child by themselves at weekends, giving you a break at home and them time to bond. Even if it's just the local park for an hour every Saturday. Might help.

Do you ever go out and leave DS with DH? Day time, nights out, weekends away?

Start doing that so they can build a bond. He needs to be more involved.

My eldest often flicked loyalties between the two of us. Sometimes me, sometimes my DH. Each phase lasted several weeks. We just went with it. You can’t force these things.

YANBU, My OH is having to go through this with both of ours too. I breastfed them both for 2 years each and co-slept with both of them but he has never blamed their Mummy preference on that nor complained at me for doing it, he agreed/knew it was the best choice for us/them at the time.

Eldest is 6 and I am still his favourite, but he randomly started screaming the other day when I picked him up from preschool because he suddenly decided he wanted Daddy to pick him up and he wants Daddy to pick him up twice a week now (Daddy works full time so has agreed with him to try and pick him up once a week).

I am a SAHM so obviously they have a closer bond to me as main caregiver, I do all the food and bathing and drop offs to preschool and (most of) the pick ups too, so it is understandable that they would seek me out more. OH is not very hands on with them and does not have as much patience as me so when he does spend time with them it is more likely to result in him losing his patience with them, which obviously doesn't help either. He does however play with them both at least once every day, and now the weather is getting better, he will hopefully start taking them out to the playground now and then too. I expect I will still remain the favourite despite this however.