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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No one gets narcissistic abuse

65 replies

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 10:11

I'm trying to divorce a narcissistic H, but it's so so hard and unless you've been through this, no one genuinely understands. It literally makes you crazy and it's so lonely.

He's not physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally. He is two people. The kind, considerate one to the wider world, and a real sicko to me and the kids. No one believes me, or would believe me if i shared/when i share.

I've been waiting for him to move out since Dec. He wont. It's apparently my fault that he cant. I pay all household/kids expenses and literally cant buy myself food. He buys food for the kids, but blames me that its because of this that he doesn't move.

One week ago i asked him if he was attending a dcs sports day. It takes place where he works, and school needs parents for transfers. He could literally accompany the kids there at 9am (when he starts work anyways)..do work..and take them back at 12 on his lunch break. Ive been asking for a week if he can do that. The school is asking, they are 1 parent short. If they dont get enough, the whole day will be cancelled. Ive asked him every day for a week. He ignores me/the request. He enjoys the withhold. Who does this?! And if he eventually does it, i know he will put on his 'amazing dad' act and show off his amazingness to everyone.

Im supposed to parent with this person? How?! He is really such an amazing manipulator that truly no one believes me. He does it so subtly that it is me who looks awful for nagging, pressuring him for answers/commitments. At the last minute he always turns around and says calm down, no one died, you have anger management problems etc etc..

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 26/02/2023 10:13

Who owns the house?

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 10:18

House is jointly owned. We have agreed that i will buy him out, but with a person like him, nothing that's agreed stays like that. He will change his mind as and when it suits him. It does seem that his only motivaation is to cause me the maximum amount of distress possible.

He doesn't want the house. But he wont move because i've plunged him into poverty (absolute bs btw). Im the one whos paying for everything, he only pays for his car, phone and food.. but cant addord to move out

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 26/02/2023 10:20

I've been there. He isn't two people, the shit person is who he is. The nice side is him being manipulative and reeling people in.

The only advice I can give that I did was do everything yourself. Any asks you make of him are an opportunity for him to control you.

Grey rock and the law are your only weapons. I'm really sorry.

I'll tell you the upside from my outcome, once I was finally out, he hasn't bothered with my kid since she was 2, she's now 13. Our life is very peaceful.

MamOfFive · 26/02/2023 10:21

Buy him out & change the locks. Give him a deadline.

Keep a log of all his behaviour.

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 10:27

I do everything i can and ask nothing of him. Thats why i've ended up paying for everything and doing everything.

But i cant do that sports day, and he freakin works there!! I wish he would just dissappear, but he wants to be very involved with the dc who are 11 and 9. Of course it's better for them to have a dad around, which is why i try to stay as civil as humanely possible..

OP posts:

MadeofElephantStone · 26/02/2023 10:30

MamOfFive · 26/02/2023 10:21

Buy him out & change the locks. Give him a deadline.

Keep a log of all his behaviour.

This. Plus, you can't change his dickhead behaviour but you can change how you respond to it. Disengage and don't converse with him on anything that isn't your responsibility. Let the water roll off your duck's back. This takes a lot of patience and practice but once you master not giving a fuck it becomes liberating to let shitty narc behaviour go straight over your head. I had to adopt this new frame of mind with the 2 narcs in my life and it has been very useful for detaching and not letting them impact my life.

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 10:31

And i cant just go ahead and change locks. He owns 50%.
You should see him. Looks and acts so normal, kind and respectable.. All our dcs friends think hes great. He plays football with them, sometimes bbqs and invites the whole neighbourhood etc etc..

OP posts:

Ofcourseshecan · 26/02/2023 10:32

it's better for them to have a dad around, which is why i try to stay as civil as humanely possible.

Is it really better for them, OP? I think they would be better with a a greatly relieved single mum and a happy home life.

Knitterofcrap · 26/02/2023 10:32

You need to drop the rope and don’t ask him to do anything.

Try to stay sane whilst the divorce goes through and let the solicitor earn their money by dealing with him/his sols.

Only communicate if you absolutely have to. Just think how much better life will be once he’s out the door. I appreciate you will still have to deal with communication relating to DC but you can get get a cheap PAYG phone for that. As kids get older they can make their own plans, without going through you.

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 10:34

@MadeofElephantStone i do that when it comes to the abuse directed at me. I don't care anymore when he calls me names or invalidates me or whatever. But, yes..the kids are my soft spot.

OP posts:

Goawayangryman · 26/02/2023 10:34

I totally believe you. They are complete head fucks, these types of people.

Do you have a solicitor? I'd not I'd get a shit hot one and let the court to sort it all out. After that, parallel parenting with only essential urgent comms via SMS, email once weekly for less urgent things.

He won't change. But you can be freer than you are now, and likely the bluster of wanting 50/50 will end once he realises you can't be selfish and look after kids properly. Or, he will try for reasons of appearing saintly but the kids will rebel and refuse to go, because kids are clever and perceptive.

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 10:39

@Ofcourseshecan Its not up to me though? He wants joint custody and will get it. There's nothing to show hes not capable.

OP posts:

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 10:44

I only communicate with him through whatsapp amyways.
Last week i sent a text saying: please let me know if you can help with sports day taking place at your work on such and such day.

Then asked again a few times more during the week. Yesterday he finally said he'd let me know by the end of the day. Did not happen. Instead told me i should go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

DontFollowMeHome · 26/02/2023 10:44

MamOfFive · 26/02/2023 10:21

Buy him out & change the locks. Give him a deadline.

Keep a log of all his behaviour.

I agree with this @PolyannaHanna . Also maybe when he is being an AH and being particularly nasty could you record him using your phone? Just so you have peace of mind and share with your closest friends so they can also validate what a horror he is, not necessarily to do anything with (as it might be outside the law).

So sorry you’re going through this. Horrible situation for sure. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job of holding it all together though, so feel proud. I bet your kids are proud of you too xx

LiteKim · 26/02/2023 10:47

Sorry to hear this OP.
I also worry that he could subtly turn the kids against you in a co- parenting situation. First things first though …

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 10:50

I wush i could tell dc that if and when this spirts day is cancelled, it happened because dad coyld have but didn't want to help. Dc has been so exicited..

OP posts:

pensionconfusion · 26/02/2023 10:51

Definitely coercive control.

It's horrible and can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

Speak to a solicitor immediately and they will help you to move this forward.

hesaidshesaidtheysaid · 26/02/2023 10:55

I understand and have seen what this can do to people, my DSis went through it, he almost drove her mad with his fucked up behaviour. All nice and lovely to everyone else but an absolute nasty bastard to her.
So subtle to begin with and tried to isolate her from friends and family.
Stay strong and as others have said, don't ask him for anything, he'll be loving the fact you need him in any way at all.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/02/2023 10:58

I hear you too.

The only thing I would have done differently, since the school and children only need one more parent, is for your children to ask their dad if he can do it. I don't normally suggest getting the kids involved but if DH is holding this over you then take yourself out of the equation. Let it be a straight conversation between father and child. He can let them down to their faces, not behind their backs.

Knitterofcrap · 26/02/2023 10:58

You just said it OP. The kids are your soft spot. So that’s why he’s fucking about over this sports event.

If someone from school/wherever had asked him he would have enjoyed being the Great Dad. But you asked. So he’s using this to punish you.

I wouldn’t say anything to kids about his involvement if it doesn’t go ahead, and show no disappointment.

You have a long and difficult road ahead so you need to pick your battles.

LetYourLightShine · 26/02/2023 11:00

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Narcissist abuse is not well understood at all and this in itself creates trauma on top of trauma. It's insidious and soul destroying and so much harder to define than other forms of abuse.

Please look up Caroline Strawson and Melanie Tonia Evans. They have programmes and resources to help people suffering from narcissist abuse.

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 11:04

Divorcing him is the hardest thing.. i honestly dont know how im supposed to co-parent with him. He will be involved and dates/expenses will have to be discussed. But how?!?
In a few weeks time i have to work later than usual, so ive already given him the heads up, and asked him to confirm he can pick the dc up from school that day. Guess what? No answer to that either..

OP posts:

Lavenderfowl · 26/02/2023 11:06

I hear you @PolyannaHanna, I’ve recently divorced someone very similar, all the same games, the same superdad in front of anyone else…it is exhausting and soul destroying. The DC will work it out eventually, mine are starting to…and XH is less and less interested in them as time goes on, and they and others are noticing that too…

there is bright sunshine out there for you I promise, it’s hard to get to but you will get there and it’s so, so worth all the effort.

Knitterofcrap · 26/02/2023 11:08

I would advise against any financial settlement that involves ongoing communication about expenses.

Again, you just asked him for something. Could you have asked someone else? Arranged play dates? You’re playing right into his hands.

ChickenDhansak82 · 26/02/2023 11:09

Contact the school, explain that your husband works there so should be able to help, but say that you're in the process of separating at the moment so they would need to contact him directly to ask.

Could you stop paying the mortgage and move out with the kids to a rental property, leaving him in the mortgaged home? I know this would screw up your credit rating (and his) but sometimes there are more important things in life.

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