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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No one gets narcissistic abuse

65 replies

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 10:11

I'm trying to divorce a narcissistic H, but it's so so hard and unless you've been through this, no one genuinely understands. It literally makes you crazy and it's so lonely.

He's not physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally. He is two people. The kind, considerate one to the wider world, and a real sicko to me and the kids. No one believes me, or would believe me if i shared/when i share.

I've been waiting for him to move out since Dec. He wont. It's apparently my fault that he cant. I pay all household/kids expenses and literally cant buy myself food. He buys food for the kids, but blames me that its because of this that he doesn't move.

One week ago i asked him if he was attending a dcs sports day. It takes place where he works, and school needs parents for transfers. He could literally accompany the kids there at 9am (when he starts work anyways)..do work..and take them back at 12 on his lunch break. Ive been asking for a week if he can do that. The school is asking, they are 1 parent short. If they dont get enough, the whole day will be cancelled. Ive asked him every day for a week. He ignores me/the request. He enjoys the withhold. Who does this?! And if he eventually does it, i know he will put on his 'amazing dad' act and show off his amazingness to everyone.

Im supposed to parent with this person? How?! He is really such an amazing manipulator that truly no one believes me. He does it so subtly that it is me who looks awful for nagging, pressuring him for answers/commitments. At the last minute he always turns around and says calm down, no one died, you have anger management problems etc etc..

OP posts:

Lavenderfowl · 26/02/2023 11:09

You don’t co-parent with people like him, you parallel parent. You sort out dates (if necessary by telling him when they are available and asking does he want them?) and then you organise your time with them, and leave him to do everything for his time. I do all medical/haircut stuff and other appointments just to avoid the opportunity for him to mess me around. He’ll soon get bored of it.

Theunamedcat · 26/02/2023 11:14

If you need to ask him something ask him once then act as if he said no stop pestering him for an answer he is enjoying it!

If sports day gets cancelled never mind shame another parent couldn't help out yes DC will be disappointed but that's not your fault and really they need to get used to it because they will be his target once you disengage he wants 50/50? Brilliant 👏 big it up make sure your court order includes he has to either reinburse you half the costs or pay them himself no taking toothbrushes toothpaste and full wardrobes between houses he buys his own (seriously my adult daughter keeps a toothbrush here for when she visits plus deodorant pants socks etc because it's her home) also childcare each of you are responsible for childcare costs on your days no "let's be amicable" no "we can work it out amongst ourselves" court order Christmas Easter new year allocation mothers day with you fathers day with him provision for overseas travel outside school time written in so you don't need to beg if you want to leave the country you need it set in stone

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 11:16

I might have done the wrong thing here..but dcs classmate is here and i matter of factly enquired if his parent is attending the sports day. He said yes, my dad.
I said to my dc, is dad taking you? Have you discussed it with him? I asked him to send a voice msg to dad to ask, and they did in a funny jokey way.
So, now its up to him to decline and i think i havent put the dc in too much of a difficult position here since it was done within the conversation..

OP posts:

Valentinesquestion · 26/02/2023 11:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GremlinDolphin4 · 26/02/2023 11:32

I get you, I’ve been there and life is soooo much better now! Make sure your solicitor understands emotional abuse is involved.

You have done the right thing - get the children involved with communication that way you don’t have to point out his fuck ups - he will highlight them himself! Good luck. I got amazing support on her throughout the process. Xx

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 11:33

@Valentinesquestion im sorry you've had to go through that
But how do i even go about removing him from our lives? The kids seem to love him and always ask for him if he's away. There's no proof of emotional damage..

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 26/02/2023 12:45

You can't co parent with him. It needs both parties to cooperate.

You can't change him.

You can see a solicitor and get a plan to not live together. Focus on this.

Don't involve yourself in arrangements like the sports day. Yes he's a twat. No you can't make him respond. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Don't slag him off to your sons. But let them see his behaviours and draw their own conclusions. Don't cover for him.

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 12:56

I have to tell you all about my little win in the middle of this shit show..I can't boast in real life..

I've been studying and training for the past few years (financially been tight) My field is to do with climate change and environmental issues. He's constantly mocked me 'go save the planet Polyanna' and shouted at me to 'get a proper job that earns proper money'...
He thinks im still training on a low wage, but that ended on friday and next week im starting a new job earning Double what he does 🥳🥳🥳🥳
Im not telling him. Let him continue calling me lazy, useless, weird etc.. Hahaha..

OP posts:

FusionChefGeoff · 26/02/2023 13:22

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 11:04

Divorcing him is the hardest thing.. i honestly dont know how im supposed to co-parent with him. He will be involved and dates/expenses will have to be discussed. But how?!?
In a few weeks time i have to work later than usual, so ive already given him the heads up, and asked him to confirm he can pick the dc up from school that day. Guess what? No answer to that either..

Get a babysitter or ask a friend. Stop relying on him then he can't let you down.

JassyRadlett · 26/02/2023 13:33

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 10:44

I only communicate with him through whatsapp amyways.
Last week i sent a text saying: please let me know if you can help with sports day taking place at your work on such and such day.

Then asked again a few times more during the week. Yesterday he finally said he'd let me know by the end of the day. Did not happen. Instead told me i should go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I think you're giving him the power here - detaching will be really hard but right now he knows he has something you want (ie an answer to your question).

You have to 100% not give a shit whether he responds or not. Yes that will be a pain in the arse and deeply annoying. Yes it may mean the kids miss out because he won't engage but unless there is some short term pain you won't see a change. You're playing his game and he gets to dangle his answer in front of you until he can frame you as the 'bad guy'.

The flipside - tell him one. This thing is happening, school says they can't go without more parents. I've forwarded the details, let school know if you can help.

And after that it's nothing to do with you. You don't need to nag or chase for an answer or dance around him trying to get him to be decent.

With the needing to stay late - you give hIm the option but make sure you don't need him. So - 'I've got to work late on x dates. I've booked clubs/arranged for the kids to go round friends but let me know if you'd prefer to have them instead.' So the ball is in his court - you don't need to chase for an answer because you've already made contingency plans. It's up to him if he wants to engage but you don't need him to.

Congrats on the new job! What a great step to get out from under his thumb.

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 13:42

@JassyRadlett you are absolutely right. I have told him that i will organise a babysitter for that day if he wont respond by tomorrow. He still lives here, so when the day arrives he either pays the babysitter if he comes home before me, or has to hang out somewhere til i get home (hich he hates doing after a day of work)..

OP posts:

MadeofElephantStone · 26/02/2023 13:53

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 12:56

I have to tell you all about my little win in the middle of this shit show..I can't boast in real life..

👏👏 Well done on the job, there's nothing a narc hates more than their targets outshining them. Enjoy the freedom it can offer you.

titchy · 26/02/2023 13:56

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 10:44

I only communicate with him through whatsapp amyways.
Last week i sent a text saying: please let me know if you can help with sports day taking place at your work on such and such day.

That's not your job though. That's up to the school. Your taking on emotional load that isn't yours. If it's cancelled it won't be yours (or your ex's) fault, it'll be because the school didn't sort things properly, and the fault of all other parents who didn't volunteer.

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 14:11

@titchy Again, you are right.
Its not my job to care. It just annoys me that he is so uncaring as a dad when no ones looking. When someone IS looking, he acts so freakin perfect.. If he ends up helping, he will make sure everyone knows whose dad he is and has the best jokes and games and they'll all come out saying how great he is..

OP posts:

titchy · 26/02/2023 14:38

Yeah it's annoying. But you're thinking if the sports day doesn't go ahead it'll be HIS fault. It won't be. You're seeing yourself as responsible for every aspect of your dc's lives, and thinking your dc's parents should ensure they and the remaining kids get there.

But you're not. He is within his rights to not volunteer to take random kids to an event - as are all the other parents who haven't volunteered. This is schools responsibility.

You're still seeing him and you as joint parents that should be doing joint things for the dcs. Again you're not. You do what you can do. It's up to him to decide what he can do.

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 26/02/2023 14:49

Most of the time now im pretty good at leaving him to it. Its just that its at his work, dc has been talking about it all week excitedly, and i know for a fact it would be no trouble at all for him to help out because he works there. The only reason he drags this out is because I asked. He doesnt communicate with the school.
If it happens, and someone else volunteers, he will come out on the day happily chatting to all dcs friends and their parents 😡
Anyways, its out of my hands now. Dont care if he goes or not.. He can live with his decisions..

OP posts:

titchy · 26/02/2023 14:57

And if he doesn't go or take them or it's cancelled your dcs will put two and two together and ask why daddy didn't take them seeing as he works there... what goes around comes around.

BrilliantUsername · 26/02/2023 15:02

Regarding the school issue, could you explain to the school that you've asked him several times and he's being difficult and not answering you as he's a bit manipulative like that so perhaps they could contact him directly to discuss it?
As well as it not being in your hands anymore, you'll also show his true colours which will be a bit embarrassing for him.

jeaux90 · 27/02/2023 07:25

Look OP you know that every time you ask him for something he will use it to manipulate you.

When you back right off what happens?

I thought at first the right thing to do with my narc ex was to try and help my DD see him. The therapist who was seeing my ex told me to take my daughter and run.

I stopped facilitating at that point, he hasn't seen DD in over 11 years.

The point is, as soon as he lost control, he moved on.

And no I don't think it's important for a child to have a relationship with their narc parent. You seem to be wringing your hands about this, stop. If he wants to be in their lives it's down to him not you.

Read the stately homes thread, those are adults who have had narc parents.

Original poster

PolyannaHanna · 27/02/2023 07:38

Good points..He was mocking me again yesterday with 'why dont you take them to the sports day..I have a real job whereas you're just faffing around trying to save the planet '
Its funny actually.. i will never tell him about my new job. Let him carry on mocking me. The dc know about my job and that ill be earning more and we can now afford to do more fun things 😊

Ive tried to be co-operative for the sake of the dc, but its pretty clear he wont be. How do i go about trying to get the main custody? I know he will fight. Hes never been physically abusive, but im worried if pushed too far he might go crazy.. its about contro and hes already accused me of trying to take his kids away from him.

OP posts:

Greatly · 27/02/2023 07:44

This. Not sure why you've taken this on tbh. Just assume he's said no. (Not excusing him but he's probably enjoying the drama)

Floofydawg · 27/02/2023 07:45

Completely agree that no one else gets it and you have my sympathies. I split from mine 12 years ago but only this weekend I had a close friend commenting about him 'oh at least he's a good dad though.' No, he's really not and you have no idea. My teen DD has been in therapy because of his treatment of her. How the fuck does that make him a good dad??

Greatly · 27/02/2023 07:45

My comment referred to this from @titchy

"That's not your job though. That's up to the school. Your taking on emotional load that isn't yours. If it's cancelled it won't be yours (or your ex's) fault, it'll be because the school didn't sort things properly, and the fault of all other parents who didn't volunteer"

honeyandbutterontoast · 27/02/2023 07:48

You get main custody by telling him you want joint custody. By saying you need time for your career and a social life and being very very believable when you say that.

there is no way he will want to facilitate you having a nice fun life without him.

Btdt, my DD barely sees her dad now because he couldn’t be bothered. He loved the idea of making me have to do all the parenting while he swans off on holidays etc and barely thinks of his DC. Fine by me, I didn’t want him to be in their lives anyhow. So it’s worked out perfectly.

And all my DC know exactly what he’s like now without me ever having to tell them. Eventually they figure it out.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/02/2023 07:54

I would stay far away from court. Do you want it to be law that you mediate with this asshole? Or for your kids to have to go even if they don’t want to 😔

The kids like him now but wait until they get to about 10 years old and start having their own opinions.

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