Aibu me or ‘d’h?

[Lesschubtolove]

Context, i lost my dear dad when I was 7 months pregnant last year. That first year of grief I was just focused on survival, trying to keep my head about water with the rest of my (high risk) pregnancy and PP (I had severe pnd first time around so I was hyper aware of my mental state second time around). This second year, things have sunk in a lot more and sometimes it still knocks me off my feet that he’s gone and it hurts.

ive Found I’ve pretty much grieved all alone. He was my only relative. Dh always says the wrong thing, it’s like the most insensitive things.

Today for instance, this is trh aibu. I had a bit of a tough grief day and felt a bit teary at a triggered memory. I was trying to explain to DH why It’s so hard (his parents are still alive) and I said it’s because after a while people forget and life carries on, grief makes people uncomfortable and it feels like people don’t care. He didn’t even look up from his phone. Then he said I care, I thought of your dad the same as I think of mine. Now that sounds sweet, until, his dad left his mum for another woman and never paid a penny child support and focused on his second family and would pick up and drop my husband whenever it suited him. No bday gifts, cards anything. He treats my children the same way, would post a picture on social media for the likes but wouldn’t ever enquire about their well-being. His dad has swung for me before and him not to mention hit his mum. So all around a real sack of shit. Dh often says how little respect he has for him. He got on fine with my dad, my dad called him son. I got upset by that and he just turned around and said ‘well I feel how I feel’.

i then got upset and started to cry. He didn’t even check if I was ok.

aibu.. that’s not what you say to someone who desperately missed their dad. It’s so insensitive right? Even if it’s how you feel, why would you say something so hurtful.

He didn't mean he thought your Dads behaviour was like his, he meant that he looked on your Dad as more of Dad than a F.I.L.

Sorry for your loss.

No he didn’t, he clarified that. He said he had a similar level of respect for him as he has for his own dad. Except he has no level of respect for his dad, they are NC and have been for a good few years now.

cut him some slack!

hes Never once hugged me about it, when I cry he walks away, never asked if I was ok. I’d never treat someone who lost their only family like that. It’s so heartless to me. It’s not just this one comment. It’s a pattern of behaviour. I understand grief makes people uncomfortable but it’s emotional support for a spouse at the end of the day

It sounds like you've had a really tough couple of years of it. You probably are only going through the grieving process now which he obviously from your post can't understand. It may be that you won't get what you need from him in terms of support or understanding. Maybe you could outsource that through some type of bereavement counselling. If he isn't stepping up to the plate you owe it to yourself to seek that support and understanding elsewhere. I am really sorry for your loss and I completely understand why you wouldn't want him putting your Dad in the same category as his and by the sounds of it there is no comparison xx

If he’s a good partner in other ways then this is probably just his way of trying to handle your grief (and doing a bad job). If he’s always rubbish, maybe now is the time to rethink your relationship.

oh yeah my OP isn’t clear at all. I should’ve written I asked him about what he meant, and he said well, I have a similar level of respect and cared about him as much as I care about my own dad. I asked what he meant because he doesn’t have a positive word to say about his father and has on more than one occasion said he’d be glad his dad is dead. And he just shrugged and said yeah, I guess they’re the same to me. I asked him if he didn’t think that might be hurtful, knowing how bad the relationship is between them, he said he didn’t know but he feels how he feels and ‘doesn’t care anymore’ and wants to go on his phone.

sorry, writing the post I was still kind of upset. It’s one of those days where you miss someone and you’re sick of grieving alone

He is being vile. My husband was totally unsupportive when my father died.
I think he couldn't cope with the attention being away from him and how much love I got from people around me. We will never recover from that.

I mean his dad is still his dad no matter what DH says and how much he pisses him off. Gently, YABU because I think you're having one of those days where you're feeling very tender and everything hurts on those days.

Funnily I did have some sessions fo grief counselling and, I think dh thought that the d cure me from grief . Where as it’s more talking about the relationship and sometimes processing feelings. The therapist said I’ll always feel grief, there won’t be a time that you’ll be over it, grief is natural and a continuation of love in this case and it’s ok to feel sad. Sometimes I think it’s having someone to sit with you in your sadness and your lowest moments whenever they come, to me that’s what marriage is about, better or worse right?

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I too lost my mum when my son was a few months old and the my sibling also died when my 2nd DC was born. The grief is all consuming and it’s almost impossible not to feel broken by the thoughtlessness of some people. Especially those who should be supportive - some people are horrifically shit with being there for others.

Sending hugs x

whilst his father is his biological father they don’t have a father son relationship. I shan’t go into the details as it’s not my story to share but he was and continues to be abusive, financially, emotionally and (he was) physically. They’re NC. It’s not a simple case of his dad pissing him off, or simply not being close. The extent of FILs actions are quite shocking

virtual hug to you as you walk this shitty road too <3

The therapist said I’ll always feel grief, there won’t be a time that you’ll be over it, grief is natural and a continuation of love in this case and it’s ok to feel sad.

Yes, you will sometimes get sad for example around annoversaries, but I wouldn't call that groef anymore. I think they worded it quite wrong.

You dh probably doesn't understand that you are having delayed reaction. I think lots of people wouldn't. It sounds like you both went through a lot last few years.

Weird thing for him to say though

What he probably meant to say it’s that he loved your dad as much as his own. Even if his father was a rubbish one, we are still programmed to love our parents and your DH’s father still had a huge impact on his life. A negative impact is still an impact.

It sounds like you need someone to be able to truly empathise with you about the loss of your Dad but your DH is simply not in a position to be able to do that. Maybe a bereavement counsellor could help. It isn’t his fault that he can’t properly imagine how it feels to have lost a parent you were especially close to because it hasn’t happened to him and after more than a year he probably doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to say. It doesn’t make him a complete insensitive arsehole because his comment came out wrong today.

I guess that’s just semantics, the point i took those moments wishing he was here, or feeling sad, wistful or nostalgic will always come and that’s ok. There’s not a set period of time that it’s acceptable to grieve and then you have to be over it and not feel sad anymore. That’s what I think the overarching point was.

truthfully I think it boils down to the fact he doesn’t care. He always says he lacks empathy for others, especially me. My feelings seem an annoyance. When I did get upset and cry, he didn’t even soften or ask if I was ok, just rolled his eyes and turned his back to me. That’s just not how you treat someone you love. My dad received a posthumous award and we got a pin, and it got lost and I thought it got thrown out and he couldn’t understand why I was devastated and ended up shouting at me. This is the sort of thing I mean.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Not entirely the same but my DP behaved similarly when I had PTSD following our daughter's traumatic birth. If I spoke about how I was feeling, he would sit looking at his phone and just say thoughtless things about how it wasn't that bad. I was very teary for the first couple of months of her life and it was as though he was bored of it, and totally unable to offer support. I stopped sharing with him in the end and we never recovered from it. Your grief shouldn't be an inconvenience.

It doesn't seem like he has the ability to do that or be there for you though. I don't know how you found the grief counselling sessions, personally they didn't work for me as I found it kind of ridiculous to pour my heart out to a stranger who knew nothing of my life. I ended up finding emotional tapping much more beneficial which obviously isnt for everyone but there are lots of other interventions out there to support you on this hard road. Unfortunately your husbands support doesn't sound like it's going to be it

Thank you!

its that exact same behaviour and the crushing sense of loneliness it creates. I’m sorry you struggled. It creates a lot of resentment for the partner. Can i ask did you split?

Whilst yes, we could pay a professional to talk to us (and yes it’s a great idea for qualified support at difficult times) a partner should still provide support.

What’s emotional tapping?

yeah you’re right his level of emotional support across the board is shite. It’s making me hate him

It's so so lonely. I was under the perinatal MH team and had counselling with them, and my mum was a great support also. But I longed for support from the man I shared my life with.

We did split. He also made some comments about not empathising with others and it made me realise he probably wouldn't be there for me next time life throws something my way.

Pure speculation here, but I think it comes from a place of not being able to process or articulate his own emotions well. To deal with someone else being upfront with theirs is too much of an ask.

Look up emotional freedom techniques or eft. I used to go to a lady practitioner and didn't even have to speak to her if I didn't want to. It definitely helped me with what I was going through at the time. It may not be for you though but it helped me through the process. This grief is not going to leave you but it does hecome more manageable

What your husband said was thoughtless but unless that's his MO that's not a crime. I'd say he was just thinking out loud and hadn't even processed the thoughts himself....then you've snapped/burst into tears....again. He's frustrated and probably feels that whatever he says is wrong. You're picking his words apart like a lawyer and he's just put his hands up and said 'yeah, guilty as charged....can we move on now'
I say this kindly but when you talk about grief have you considered that your OH might be grieving too, but for his former uncomplicated world with his old wife. It's no ones fault. A new baby in itself is a massive adjustment. Add to that a bereavement and your poor MH it must be tough on both of you. He's still here. You're still here. If you both still love each other just simplify it. He doesnt know what to do. Remind each other you're both on the same side and tell him that what he can do for you now is to simply tell you it's all gonna be alright and just hold you in his arms.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Of course you are justified in wanting your husband to be supportive of your grief.

However I voted yabu because you seem to expect your dh to love/feel closer to your father more than his own.

I have an awful father who was abusive to my mum (and subsequent wives), was largely absent in my childhood, and when I finally went no contact 5y ago it was a relief, he's a dickhead. By contrast I have a lovely FIL who is the ideal father to my dh, lovely grandad, did a reading at my wedding etc. If I ever hear that my own father passes away, I will still grieve. And if/when my FIL ever passes (hopefully many decades from now), I'll be sad of course but it won't be the same. I know I'll grieve my own shitty dad way worse.

So, imo yabu at that particular part.

I think you are being unreasonable about your DH.

He said he cares that you are grieving.

His dad is a shit dad, and it sounds like you are punishing him for the crime of having an abusive dad that never loved him so being completely unable to comfort you as it’s so outside his realm of experience.

Of course he’s not going to have a clue what you are going through as his actual dad isn’t someone you’d miss much less grieve.

But similarly to you have no clue what he is going through. As a survivor of abusive parents I can tell you that every day my parents were alive I was in grieving. Grieving for the mum and dad I should have had. Every Mothering Sunday or fathering day was a gut punch, because I never had parents that loved me, only abused me. And it’s not socially acceptable to speak about your parents honestly when they were abusive.

When he said he thinks of your dad like his dad in the context of him caring about your grief, he likely referring his grief for the dad he never had and never will have- not his lack of feeling for the reality of an abusive dad.

As for lacking empathy, well it’s a defence mechanism. He’s been hurt too many times to allow himself to feel love for a shit dad and honestly, when you have no experience of a loving dad you can’t put yourself in the shoes of a person who had a loving dad they were close to. It hurts too much to try because it is an exercise in reminding you how unlovable, undeserving and rejected you were as an innocent child.