Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu me or ‘d’h?

73 replies

Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 21:24

Context, i lost my dear dad when I was 7 months pregnant last year. That first year of grief I was just focused on survival, trying to keep my head about water with the rest of my (high risk) pregnancy and PP (I had severe pnd first time around so I was hyper aware of my mental state second time around). This second year, things have sunk in a lot more and sometimes it still knocks me off my feet that he’s gone and it hurts.

ive Found I’ve pretty much grieved all alone. He was my only relative. Dh always says the wrong thing, it’s like the most insensitive things.

Today for instance, this is trh aibu. I had a bit of a tough grief day and felt a bit teary at a triggered memory. I was trying to explain to DH why It’s so hard (his parents are still alive) and I said it’s because after a while people forget and life carries on, grief makes people uncomfortable and it feels like people don’t care. He didn’t even look up from his phone. Then he said I care, I thought of your dad the same as I think of mine. Now that sounds sweet, until, his dad left his mum for another woman and never paid a penny child support and focused on his second family and would pick up and drop my husband whenever it suited him. No bday gifts, cards anything. He treats my children the same way, would post a picture on social media for the likes but wouldn’t ever enquire about their well-being. His dad has swung for me before and him not to mention hit his mum. So all around a real sack of shit. Dh often says how little respect he has for him. He got on fine with my dad, my dad called him son. I got upset by that and he just turned around and said ‘well I feel how I feel’.

i then got upset and started to cry. He didn’t even check if I was ok.

aibu.. that’s not what you say to someone who desperately missed their dad. It’s so insensitive right? Even if it’s how you feel, why would you say something so hurtful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 22:57

JudgeRudy · 25/02/2023 22:45

What your husband said was thoughtless but unless that's his MO that's not a crime. I'd say he was just thinking out loud and hadn't even processed the thoughts himself....then you've snapped/burst into tears....again. He's frustrated and probably feels that whatever he says is wrong. You're picking his words apart like a lawyer and he's just put his hands up and said 'yeah, guilty as charged....can we move on now'
I say this kindly but when you talk about grief have you considered that your OH might be grieving too, but for his former uncomplicated world with his old wife. It's no ones fault. A new baby in itself is a massive adjustment. Add to that a bereavement and your poor MH it must be tough on both of you. He's still here. You're still here. If you both still love each other just simplify it. He doesnt know what to do. Remind each other you're both on the same side and tell him that what he can do for you now is to simply tell you it's all gonna be alright and just hold you in his arms.

Firstly I don’t have ‘poor mental health’. I lost a loved one. I’m allowed to feel sad. I didnt burst into tears again as you pejoratively have said. Yes my losing my dad should really be about him, must be so hard. I didn’t ‘pick apart his words like a lawyer’ rather ask him what he meant because it came out quite hurtful. Our child is not a new baby either, he’s well over 1.

the times I’ve asked for a hug and been met with an eyeroll and walked away from like at the funeral for instance because he doesn’t do public displays of affection… not that he does private ones either. He believes a hug should be on his terms when he wants one rather than when someone else needs one. Yes it’s not a ‘crime’ but I’m not sure it’s something I can continue to live with either. The resentment is unreal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:00

M08my · 25/02/2023 22:54

I'm really sorry for your loss. Of course you are justified in wanting your husband to be supportive of your grief.

However I voted yabu because you seem to expect your dh to love/feel closer to your father more than his own.

I have an awful father who was abusive to my mum (and subsequent wives), was largely absent in my childhood, and when I finally went no contact 5y ago it was a relief, he's a dickhead. By contrast I have a lovely FIL who is the ideal father to my dh, lovely grandad, did a reading at my wedding etc. If I ever hear that my own father passes away, I will still grieve. And if/when my FIL ever passes (hopefully many decades from now), I'll be sad of course but it won't be the same. I know I'll grieve my own shitty dad way worse.

So, imo yabu at that particular part.

No I don’t want him to love my dad like he would his own (good) father.

id like him to show up emotionally and not be so thoughtless in his words.

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 25/02/2023 23:02

Ok, so yes, your DP should be providing you with support. That goes without saying. I start crying, my OH drops everything to hug me. Tell me it’s going to be ok. I’m beyond grateful for that.

However, bear with me as I’n going to pick through what you’ve written to try and explain your DP’s behaviour. That doesn’t excuse it, but I find understanding sometimes helps acceptance/finding a way forward.

Ok, so your DP has a waster of a father. Didn’t give a shit, dropped him at a moment’s notice, treated him like an accessory. Didn’t give him any love.

Your DP grew up, I would guess, feeling worthless, without value, like his emotions didn’t matter. Like he didn’t matter.

He learned from a young age that emotions from close, interpersonal relationships were painful and ultimately useless…because what was the point of letting yourself feel if you were just going to hurt?

So, I’m going to hazard a guess that he blocked away the ‘bad’ emotions. Anything negative like fear or pain or shame…because if he lets himself feel those, he’ll feel them with all the intensity of that small boy being hurt by the person he is supposed to trust the most…again.

Unfortunately, letting yourself feel painful emotions is how you develop empathy and compassion. If you never let yourself feel them, you’ll never know how others feel when they’re feeling them.

So his annoyance, flippant comments, his total lack of support sounds like a defence mechanism. If he lets himself feel just once, he’ll have to deal with that childhood trauma, which will be pretty overwhelming.

Like I said, explanation not excuse. He’s an adult. If he wants to develop real, meaningful relationships with anyone, never mind you and the kids, he’ll need to man up and face his past, or he’ll repeat it. Because if you can’t have empathy, you can’t really love.

You need support. You deserve support. He needs a metric fuckton of therapy. Otherwise, I don’t see you getting any emotional support whatsoever from him because he’s incapable at the moment.

Original poster
Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:03

Onnabugeisha · 25/02/2023 22:55

I think you are being unreasonable about your DH.

He said he cares that you are grieving.

His dad is a shit dad, and it sounds like you are punishing him for the crime of having an abusive dad that never loved him so being completely unable to comfort you as it’s so outside his realm of experience.

Of course he’s not going to have a clue what you are going through as his actual dad isn’t someone you’d miss much less grieve.

But similarly to you have no clue what he is going through. As a survivor of abusive parents I can tell you that every day my parents were alive I was in grieving. Grieving for the mum and dad I should have had. Every Mothering Sunday or fathering day was a gut punch, because I never had parents that loved me, only abused me. And it’s not socially acceptable to speak about your parents honestly when they were abusive.

When he said he thinks of your dad like his dad in the context of him caring about your grief, he likely referring his grief for the dad he never had and never will have- not his lack of feeling for the reality of an abusive dad.

As for lacking empathy, well it’s a defence mechanism. He’s been hurt too many times to allow himself to feel love for a shit dad and honestly, when you have no experience of a loving dad you can’t put yourself in the shoes of a person who had a loving dad they were close to. It hurts too much to try because it is an exercise in reminding you how unlovable, undeserving and rejected you were as an innocent child.

Actually no,
i do realise what it’s like to have an abusvie childhood because my mother was incredibly abusive for years. So I do.

saying you care and meaning it are two different things though. Because if you care you show it.

agree on the cause of lacking empathy though. That and I think he’s got narcissist tendencies too

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:06

LaughingCat · 25/02/2023 23:02

Ok, so yes, your DP should be providing you with support. That goes without saying. I start crying, my OH drops everything to hug me. Tell me it’s going to be ok. I’m beyond grateful for that.

However, bear with me as I’n going to pick through what you’ve written to try and explain your DP’s behaviour. That doesn’t excuse it, but I find understanding sometimes helps acceptance/finding a way forward.

Ok, so your DP has a waster of a father. Didn’t give a shit, dropped him at a moment’s notice, treated him like an accessory. Didn’t give him any love.

Your DP grew up, I would guess, feeling worthless, without value, like his emotions didn’t matter. Like he didn’t matter.

He learned from a young age that emotions from close, interpersonal relationships were painful and ultimately useless…because what was the point of letting yourself feel if you were just going to hurt?

So, I’m going to hazard a guess that he blocked away the ‘bad’ emotions. Anything negative like fear or pain or shame…because if he lets himself feel those, he’ll feel them with all the intensity of that small boy being hurt by the person he is supposed to trust the most…again.

Unfortunately, letting yourself feel painful emotions is how you develop empathy and compassion. If you never let yourself feel them, you’ll never know how others feel when they’re feeling them.

So his annoyance, flippant comments, his total lack of support sounds like a defence mechanism. If he lets himself feel just once, he’ll have to deal with that childhood trauma, which will be pretty overwhelming.

Like I said, explanation not excuse. He’s an adult. If he wants to develop real, meaningful relationships with anyone, never mind you and the kids, he’ll need to man up and face his past, or he’ll repeat it. Because if you can’t have empathy, you can’t really love.

You need support. You deserve support. He needs a metric fuckton of therapy. Otherwise, I don’t see you getting any emotional support whatsoever from him because he’s incapable at the moment.

That is incredibly astute! You’ve summed up how he behaves to a T. Very impressive actually, you’d think you knew him and were friends for years.

he’s doing therapy for anger management but I feel as if he may have found a duff one as there doesn’t seem to be help to support him working through his feelings

OP posts:
Oohhhh · 25/02/2023 23:09

My DH is amazing, always has been. I wouldnt say he's the most romantic, or touchy feely, or even thoughtful at times. But I lost my Dad a year ago and my DH will never understand how much of a rock he's been to me. The second he sees a tear or a stare into space his arms are around me making it all better. I can never thank him enough for how he's been there for me, in a way I didn't honestly think he would be. Listening to how your DH is being is so horrible! YANBU. Sorry for your loss x

Onnabugeisha · 25/02/2023 23:09

Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:03

Actually no,
i do realise what it’s like to have an abusvie childhood because my mother was incredibly abusive for years. So I do.

saying you care and meaning it are two different things though. Because if you care you show it.

agree on the cause of lacking empathy though. That and I think he’s got narcissist tendencies too

Show quote history

But not an abusive Dad. It’s different.

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2023 23:10

Nimbostratus100 · 25/02/2023 22:01

cut him some slack!

Why?

Dotcheck · 25/02/2023 23:11

OP
Sorry to hear your mum was abusive but he may be dealing with the effects of a traumatic childhood in a different way to you.
You may be wanting more than he can give, but also, have you had grief counselling/ joined a grief group or similar?

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2023 23:12

Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 22:14

oh yeah my OP isn’t clear at all. I should’ve written I asked him about what he meant, and he said well, I have a similar level of respect and cared about him as much as I care about my own dad. I asked what he meant because he doesn’t have a positive word to say about his father and has on more than one occasion said he’d be glad his dad is dead. And he just shrugged and said yeah, I guess they’re the same to me. I asked him if he didn’t think that might be hurtful, knowing how bad the relationship is between them, he said he didn’t know but he feels how he feels and ‘doesn’t care anymore’ and wants to go on his phone.

sorry, writing the post I was still kind of upset. It’s one of those days where you miss someone and you’re sick of grieving alone

Do you think that because your husband has such a shit father he is desensitised to emotion?

How is he with DC or with you in other ways?

Original poster
Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:13

Dotcheck · 25/02/2023 23:11

OP
Sorry to hear your mum was abusive but he may be dealing with the effects of a traumatic childhood in a different way to you.
You may be wanting more than he can give, but also, have you had grief counselling/ joined a grief group or similar?

Yes I had some sessions, it’s fine but I don’t think it’s a replacement for a supportive partner. The therapist was actually horrified at how he’s acted

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:18

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2023 23:12

Do you think that because your husband has such a shit father he is desensitised to emotion?

How is he with DC or with you in other ways?

Show quote history

I think he’s blocked out a lot and that in turn has led to some narcissist tendencies. As a father he’s very hands on but easily frustrated with them at times, and can be quite ravy and ranty, especially when my eldest is whining or they don’t do what he wants or are more challenging, but others he’s doting and supportive but it can be a bit of a roll of a dice

but for me, he seldom is. I can’t think of a time he’s shown up for me. He was pretty bad when I had pnd too.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 25/02/2023 23:22

He sounds awful. You don't have to stay with someone who treats you like this.

TheSnowyOwl · 25/02/2023 23:22

I’m so sorry about your dad.

I think people grieve differently and that also means the way they console or try to relate to others also differs. Unless he is intentionally trying to upset you or really doesn’t care about your feelings, I’d try to remember that he doesn’t mean it.

JupiterFortified · 25/02/2023 23:25

I really can’t understand why you’re getting such a hard time from some posters on here OP.

I’m grieving the recent loss of my dad and it’s hard. So hard. People who haven’t lost a parent have literally no idea. Your husband won’t understand if he hasn’t lost a parent but the very least he could do is not act like a dick, which is exactly what he’s done.

Original poster
Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:26

Throckmorton · 25/02/2023 23:22

He sounds awful. You don't have to stay with someone who treats you like this.

He’s not awful truthfully, we share domestic work 50/50, he’s a hands on father and a grafter and I don’t doubt he loves his children but he always put himself first, not so much with them but with me. I think he’s got worse and i suspect he’s lost feeling for me, he’s said before he doesn’t really respect me. But yeah 10/10 times me and him he’d always and always put his wants/ needs above me, He’d take the coat off my back to keep himself warm, in fact he has before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:27

JupiterFortified · 25/02/2023 23:25

I really can’t understand why you’re getting such a hard time from some posters on here OP.

I’m grieving the recent loss of my dad and it’s hard. So hard. People who haven’t lost a parent have literally no idea. Your husband won’t understand if he hasn’t lost a parent but the very least he could do is not act like a dick, which is exactly what he’s done.

That’s pretty much how I think too, you might not understand exactly what someone is going through but you just have to not be an arse, it’s not that hard.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 25/02/2023 23:27

Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 22:57

Firstly I don’t have ‘poor mental health’. I lost a loved one. I’m allowed to feel sad. I didnt burst into tears again as you pejoratively have said. Yes my losing my dad should really be about him, must be so hard. I didn’t ‘pick apart his words like a lawyer’ rather ask him what he meant because it came out quite hurtful. Our child is not a new baby either, he’s well over 1.

the times I’ve asked for a hug and been met with an eyeroll and walked away from like at the funeral for instance because he doesn’t do public displays of affection… not that he does private ones either. He believes a hug should be on his terms when he wants one rather than when someone else needs one. Yes it’s not a ‘crime’ but I’m not sure it’s something I can continue to live with either. The resentment is unreal.

Show quote history

You mentioned your PP which I took to be peurperal psychosis. You also mentioned pnd from your previous pregnancy. You've also said "i then got upset and started to cry."OK you didn't say this was regular but it seems reasonable to assume it isn't the first time. I've not said this should be about him, I've said it's about you both and your marriage. I've not been there when you've asked for a hug but as a 'non hugger' it would very much depend how you asked. I think the hug should be on both of your terms like sex. It's hard to tell if this is about your grief and his lack of support of bigger issues. You've indicated it shouldn't be about him yet you seem to feel it should be about you. Yes, it must be hard to loose a loved one but I can't believe he's just had a personality transport, nor is he likely to.
I don't believe anyone is in the wrong. You need him and he's not there for you - or you're more needy than he can handle. It doesn't really matter. I can almost feel the anger from your words. I'll revise my advice and say this relationship has run its course. It really seems you're incompatible. Maybe you should consider putting an end to what must be a miserable existence for you both.
BTW...I do care. I recognise your pain, but he's not your answer.

FlowerArranger · 25/02/2023 23:29

It’s so heartless to me. It’s not just this one comment. It’s a pattern of behaviour.

You go on to describe several examples of this pattern of behaviour. And how he fails every single time when you should be able to count on his emotional support. Instead he rolls his eyes and sits on his phone... And he is undergoing anger management therapy??!!! How does his anger manifest itself?

You are clearly a highly emotionally literate person...... so how did you end up with this man who wouldn't recognise emotional literacy if it smashed into his face? And have a child with him too!

He would need a shitload of psychotherapy to become the partner you need. But clearly he has no interest in doing any such thing. So what he is now he will be forever.

I hope you are not financially dependent on this man, but if you are, you'd be well advised to take steps to rectify this. Because, as you must realise by now, it would not be healthy for your child to grow up in this environment.

LaughingCat · 25/02/2023 23:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

FlowerArranger · 25/02/2023 23:33

Just read your updates,@Lesschubtolove . I had not realised that you've been married for some time and there are several children. So it is clearly more complicated than I thought,

But still: what's with the anger management? That's very concerning...

Throckmorton · 25/02/2023 23:34

Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:26

He’s not awful truthfully, we share domestic work 50/50, he’s a hands on father and a grafter and I don’t doubt he loves his children but he always put himself first, not so much with them but with me. I think he’s got worse and i suspect he’s lost feeling for me, he’s said before he doesn’t really respect me. But yeah 10/10 times me and him he’d always and always put his wants/ needs above me, He’d take the coat off my back to keep himself warm, in fact he has before.

Show quote history

Um, I think you're being pretty (extremely) generous to him. Do you think you don't deserve better than this?

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 25/02/2023 23:34

Bubblebubblebah · 25/02/2023 22:22

The therapist said I’ll always feel grief, there won’t be a time that you’ll be over it, grief is natural and a continuation of love in this case and it’s ok to feel sad.

Yes, you will sometimes get sad for example around annoversaries, but I wouldn't call that groef anymore. I think they worded it quite wrong.

You dh probably doesn't understand that you are having delayed reaction. I think lots of people wouldn't. It sounds like you both went through a lot last few years.

Weird thing for him to say though

The OP may well struggle with grief her entire life. For me, it doesn’t get any easier, the loss is still immense and shocking - it’s just I’ve had more practise feeling this way, so I have strategies to get through. Some days it’s like the early days (it’s been over 9 years) other days I’m actually able to enjoy myself.

I think your DH is being incredibly cruel and insensitive. Has he ever lost anyone he was very close to? My experience is people can be flippant, talk in platitudes or can be so understanding and kind. I think you ANBU and I’m so sorry your ‘D’ H hasn’t been there for you.

Original poster
Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:39

JudgeRudy · 25/02/2023 23:27

You mentioned your PP which I took to be peurperal psychosis. You also mentioned pnd from your previous pregnancy. You've also said "i then got upset and started to cry."OK you didn't say this was regular but it seems reasonable to assume it isn't the first time. I've not said this should be about him, I've said it's about you both and your marriage. I've not been there when you've asked for a hug but as a 'non hugger' it would very much depend how you asked. I think the hug should be on both of your terms like sex. It's hard to tell if this is about your grief and his lack of support of bigger issues. You've indicated it shouldn't be about him yet you seem to feel it should be about you. Yes, it must be hard to loose a loved one but I can't believe he's just had a personality transport, nor is he likely to.
I don't believe anyone is in the wrong. You need him and he's not there for you - or you're more needy than he can handle. It doesn't really matter. I can almost feel the anger from your words. I'll revise my advice and say this relationship has run its course. It really seems you're incompatible. Maybe you should consider putting an end to what must be a miserable existence for you both.
BTW...I do care. I recognise your pain, but he's not your answer.

Show quote history

Yes, pp as in previous post.

yes pnd after my first pregnancy.

i think you’re getting this twisted. I’m not talking about non consensual hugging I’m talking about that basic human empathy when you see someone at a low point for whatever reason and you don’t.

i do think when someone has lost a relative or someone they are close to, it is about them. If you and I were friends and you had lost a loved one, I’d be a pretty shitty friend if I made it all about me.

yes I think we are on two different wave lengths emotionally and the relationship has run it’s course. Regrettably are lives are very much intertwined and we have children and I now, no family support

OP posts:
Trymorelube · 25/02/2023 23:44

It sounds a bit like you’re being a bit sensitive. He obviously cares about you and sympathises you dad is dead.
maybe he isn’t a hugging kind of person? He might show affection in other ways. Do you know about the 5 languages of love? Worth a Google.

Swipe left for the next trending thread