Page 3 | Aibu me or ‘d’h?

Lesschubtolove · 2023-02-25T21:24:16+00:00

Context, i lost my dear dad when I was 7 months pregnant last year. That first year of grief I was just focused on survival, trying to keep my head about water with the rest of my (high risk) pregnancy and PP (I had severe pnd first time around so I was hyper aware of my mental state second time around). This second year, things have sunk in a lot more and sometimes it still knocks me off my feet that he’s gone and it hurts. ive Found I’ve pretty much grieved all alone. He was my only relative. Dh always says the wrong thing, it’s like the most insensitive things. Today for instance, this is trh aibu. I had a bit of a tough grief day and felt a bit teary at a triggered memory. I was trying to explain to DH why It’s so hard (his parents are still alive) and I said it’s because after a while people forget and life carries on, grief makes people uncomfortable and it feels like people don’t care. He didn’t even look up from his phone. Then he said I care, I thought of your dad the same as I think of mine. Now that sounds sweet, until, his dad left his mum for another woman and never paid a penny child support and focused on his second family and would pick up and drop my husband whenever it suited him. No bday gifts, cards anything. He treats my children the same way, would post a picture on social media for the likes but wouldn’t ever enquire about their well-being. His dad has swung for me before and him not to mention hit his mum. So all around a real sack of shit. Dh often says how little respect he has for him. He got on fine with my dad, my dad called him son. I got upset by that and he just turned around and said ‘well I feel how I feel’. i then got upset and started to cry. He didn’t even check if I was ok. aibu.. that’s not what you say to someone who desperately missed their dad. It’s so insensitive right? Even if it’s how you feel, why would you say something so hurtful.

JupiterFortified · 25/02/2023 23:46

Bubblebubblebah · 25/02/2023 22:22

The therapist said I’ll always feel grief, there won’t be a time that you’ll be over it, grief is natural and a continuation of love in this case and it’s ok to feel sad.

Yes, you will sometimes get sad for example around annoversaries, but I wouldn't call that groef anymore. I think they worded it quite wrong.

You dh probably doesn't understand that you are having delayed reaction. I think lots of people wouldn't. It sounds like you both went through a lot last few years.

Weird thing for him to say though

“You will sometimes get sad for example around anniversaries, but I wouldn’t call that grief anymore”.

Lol. Said no grieving person ever.

Original poster

Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:46

FlowerArranger · 25/02/2023 23:29

It’s so heartless to me. It’s not just this one comment. It’s a pattern of behaviour.

You go on to describe several examples of this pattern of behaviour. And how he fails every single time when you should be able to count on his emotional support. Instead he rolls his eyes and sits on his phone... And he is undergoing anger management therapy??!!! How does his anger manifest itself?

You are clearly a highly emotionally literate person...... so how did you end up with this man who wouldn't recognise emotional literacy if it smashed into his face? And have a child with him too!

He would need a shitload of psychotherapy to become the partner you need. But clearly he has no interest in doing any such thing. So what he is now he will be forever.

I hope you are not financially dependent on this man, but if you are, you'd be well advised to take steps to rectify this. Because, as you must realise by now, it would not be healthy for your child to grow up in this environment.

If there was no CoL I’d have said I was financially better off with him esp childcare wise but manageable but now with CoL I doubt I could afford to live and support 2 kids without him. I have a decent paying job, but simply it’s not enough.

He used to rave and rant a lot and basically have temper tantrums over nothing, blow up. It started because he thought i was getting more sleep than him, because When I was pregnant he’d get up with our eldest but the backstory was I was in agony with pgp and had awful pregnancy insomnia and was up 10+ times a night. And then being late for things and me walking slowly but I was in agony. Then the sleep thing continued after the baby was born but I was up at night feeding so that extra 1 hr in the morning before he started work (wfh) helped me get through the day. Took his counsellor to say, ‘don’t you think your wife is tired too’ to get him to think about me there. It didn’t occur to him that I’d be tired

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Trymorelube · 25/02/2023 23:48

Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:39

Yes, pp as in previous post.

yes pnd after my first pregnancy.

i think you’re getting this twisted. I’m not talking about non consensual hugging I’m talking about that basic human empathy when you see someone at a low point for whatever reason and you don’t.

i do think when someone has lost a relative or someone they are close to, it is about them. If you and I were friends and you had lost a loved one, I’d be a pretty shitty friend if I made it all about me.

yes I think we are on two different wave lengths emotionally and the relationship has run it’s course. Regrettably are lives are very much intertwined and we have children and I now, no family support

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Also it was over a year ago now? I’d probably cut him a bit of slack rather than be looking for a hug every time you feel low about it. Or you could be really clear with what you want. ‘Hey bob, feeling a bit sad about my dad again, could I have a hug’ then there wouldn’t be any confusion for you or him about what you want/need

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2023 23:52

Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:26

He’s not awful truthfully, we share domestic work 50/50, he’s a hands on father and a grafter and I don’t doubt he loves his children but he always put himself first, not so much with them but with me. I think he’s got worse and i suspect he’s lost feeling for me, he’s said before he doesn’t really respect me. But yeah 10/10 times me and him he’d always and always put his wants/ needs above me, He’d take the coat off my back to keep himself warm, in fact he has before.

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Um. Actually he does sound awful. That post doesn't redeem him at all.

Original poster

Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:52

Trymorelube · 25/02/2023 23:48

Also it was over a year ago now? I’d probably cut him a bit of slack rather than be looking for a hug every time you feel low about it. Or you could be really clear with what you want. ‘Hey bob, feeling a bit sad about my dad again, could I have a hug’ then there wouldn’t be any confusion for you or him about what you want/need

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yeah I really should be over it now…

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Original poster

Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:54

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2023 23:52

Um. Actually he does sound awful. That post doesn't redeem him at all.

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Yeah it doesn’t does it, he’s definitely always been selfish and I’ve always put others needs ahead of my own which is perhaps why I didn’t notice it as much, but I think he’s gotten worse, more angry more cold

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Hotpinkangel19 · 25/02/2023 23:58

Ah OP it doesn't sound like he was really listening to you. I'm sorry, I know how tough it is, I lost both my parents in 2017 when I was pregnant with my daughter. They were my only family too, so I completely get where you are coming from. You feel so alone don't you.
Sending love x

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2023 23:59

Lesschubtolove · 25/02/2023 23:54

Yeah it doesn’t does it, he’s definitely always been selfish and I’ve always put others needs ahead of my own which is perhaps why I didn’t notice it as much, but I think he’s gotten worse, more angry more cold

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Well if you can't separate (and I would be looking at figures VERY carefully) start withdrawing emotionally to protect yourself

And start planning for when you can leave

Codlingmoths · 25/02/2023 23:59

So, whether it’s a little or a large problem, he doesn’t think about you at all? He would be perfectly happy if you were miserable, in pain and utterly exhausted if it meant you were facilitating him to get sleep, get to places and generally live his life. That’s not a partner, that’s a selfish asshole who at some point said the right words for you to commit to supporting him in the mistaken belief that it would be mutual. But now you are realising it’s not.

Original poster

Lesschubtolove · 26/02/2023 00:02

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2023 23:59

Well if you can't separate (and I would be looking at figures VERY carefully) start withdrawing emotionally to protect yourself

And start planning for when you can leave

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Unfortunately I have and i can’t buy him out of the house because on income multiples it’s not affordable, rent is sky high (definitely more than my current mortgage) then childcare, I don’t qualify for any support and if I quit or reduced my hrs I’d have done so intentionally so wouldn’t get childcare assistance according to cab (his actions and reactions have had me looking into this before)

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Original poster

Lesschubtolove · 26/02/2023 00:03

Codlingmoths · 25/02/2023 23:59

So, whether it’s a little or a large problem, he doesn’t think about you at all? He would be perfectly happy if you were miserable, in pain and utterly exhausted if it meant you were facilitating him to get sleep, get to places and generally live his life. That’s not a partner, that’s a selfish asshole who at some point said the right words for you to commit to supporting him in the mistaken belief that it would be mutual. But now you are realising it’s not.

9/10 times yes

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FlowerArranger · 26/02/2023 00:17

Can you go grey rock to protect yourself emotionally until you are in a position to leave?

Do you have any sympathetic friends who can lend emotional support in the meantime?

MeinKraft · 26/02/2023 00:28

'He’d take the coat off my back to keep himself warm, in fact he has before'

Yeah you could do much better OP. Being single would be much better.

Stopthebusplease · 26/02/2023 01:02

First of all OP I'm very sorry for your loss. Offering a tiny bit of defence for your DH, I know from my own experience that when you haven't yet lost a parent, you truly have NO idea what your partner is going through when it happens to them. I'm ashamed to say that with hindsight, I really let my ex husband down badly, when he lost his first parent, and while I did do a lot better than your DH, I had no realisation of how long the grief would last, so bearing in mind that your DH still has both parents, in spite of a shit childhood, he has absolutely no idea what you're going through, and won't have until his first parent dies. Since my ex went through this, I have lost both of my parents, and now completely understand what he was going through, but of course it's too late now, and in truth, his all consuming grief, and the fact that the parent he lost turned into a saint over night, was what led to the breakdown of our marriage, so I wouldn't be a bit surprised if this were the catalyst for you.

Having said all that, the fact that your DH can't see that you need a hug when you are crying, is just horrible, and everything you've said about him, and your relationship, makes it pretty clear that you've reached the end of the line. I would suggest that you sit down and have a conversation about where you're at now. Tell him that you no longer feel that you're compatible, and that if finances allow, you feel it would be better for you both if you were to separate. If you were to do this, do you think he would be expecting it? How do you think he would react? Obviously if you think he's the type of man to shove you out the door, or react violently if you have this sort of conversation, then don't do it. However, I really think it's time for you to go your separate ways, accept that money will be tight for a while, and move on with your life. None of us know how long we have left on this earth, so it's really important not to waste a moment, which you're probably VERY aware of since losing your Dad. Whatever you decide to do OP, I wish you all the very best, and please take care of yourself.

ConcordeOoter · 26/02/2023 01:09

"He always says the wrong thing" -> "I thought of him as like my own dad" -> "but your Dad's a total shithead, remember that thing?" -> "I don't care any more"

Houseplantophile · 26/02/2023 06:36

LaughingCat · 25/02/2023 23:02

Ok, so yes, your DP should be providing you with support. That goes without saying. I start crying, my OH drops everything to hug me. Tell me it’s going to be ok. I’m beyond grateful for that.

However, bear with me as I’n going to pick through what you’ve written to try and explain your DP’s behaviour. That doesn’t excuse it, but I find understanding sometimes helps acceptance/finding a way forward.

Ok, so your DP has a waster of a father. Didn’t give a shit, dropped him at a moment’s notice, treated him like an accessory. Didn’t give him any love.

Your DP grew up, I would guess, feeling worthless, without value, like his emotions didn’t matter. Like he didn’t matter.

He learned from a young age that emotions from close, interpersonal relationships were painful and ultimately useless…because what was the point of letting yourself feel if you were just going to hurt?

So, I’m going to hazard a guess that he blocked away the ‘bad’ emotions. Anything negative like fear or pain or shame…because if he lets himself feel those, he’ll feel them with all the intensity of that small boy being hurt by the person he is supposed to trust the most…again.

Unfortunately, letting yourself feel painful emotions is how you develop empathy and compassion. If you never let yourself feel them, you’ll never know how others feel when they’re feeling them.

So his annoyance, flippant comments, his total lack of support sounds like a defence mechanism. If he lets himself feel just once, he’ll have to deal with that childhood trauma, which will be pretty overwhelming.

Like I said, explanation not excuse. He’s an adult. If he wants to develop real, meaningful relationships with anyone, never mind you and the kids, he’ll need to man up and face his past, or he’ll repeat it. Because if you can’t have empathy, you can’t really love.

You need support. You deserve support. He needs a metric fuckton of therapy. Otherwise, I don’t see you getting any emotional support whatsoever from him because he’s incapable at the moment.

I think this is the most astute response.
Can I suggest doing some reading around Attachment Styles- particularly around insecure attachments and how they impact future relationships. As the PP said, it's not an excuse for the behaviour but it could be an explanation.

Additionally, there's a book called 'The Book You'll Wish Your Parenta had Read..' It's all about generational parenting and much your parent's experience of being parented affects how they parent.

It sounds like your husband has some unresolved childhood trauma and different people/characters, even those who lived in the same household, will handle it differently.

It's possible that your husband is in denial about his own grief over your father because, in his experience, feelings are bad and he must do what he can to avoid dealing with them.

None of this is your responsibility and doesn't excuse the lack of support you've received but it sounds like his attachment style has prevented him from forming a truly full and healthy relationship with your father. This isn't a conscious process, it's ingrained and hardwired into the brain. If he's open to therapy then look for someone who specialises in trauma and attachment.

Ultimately though, you're the one who knows you, him and your marriage. If it's too much then you can choose to leave.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that your husband hasn't been able to properly support you. Are there any things that you and your husband used to enjoy doing with your dad, like a particular walk or activity? Maybe you could do that something together on a regular basis as a way to actively remember and pay tribute to him so you have a 'safe space' to remember him, honour him and openly grieve. Your husband may find this more manageable. Of course this isn't to say that you won't still have the little sharp moments of grief, the times when it hits you out of nowhere... but gives you a mechanism to release it.

Best wishes to you both.

Poiuyl · 26/02/2023 07:07

Honestly, it sounds as though you're actually getting stronger now and seeing how insensitive and unsupportive your partner is. He sounds awful.

Have you considered you might be happier if you split? How would that make you feel?

My DH was incredible when my dad died, so kind, attentive and caring. If he had behaved like your partner, it would have completely affected our relationship.

I'm sorry for your loss. X

Original poster

Lesschubtolove · 26/02/2023 11:06

So he said this morning that he didn’t mean it, he just didn’t want to listen to me talking because he had a headache so said something to shut me up and then turned it around on me that I hadn’t noticed his headache which he’d never mentioned and was happily watching something on his phone

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Original poster

Lesschubtolove · 26/02/2023 11:09

Poiuyl · 26/02/2023 07:07

Honestly, it sounds as though you're actually getting stronger now and seeing how insensitive and unsupportive your partner is. He sounds awful.

Have you considered you might be happier if you split? How would that make you feel?

My DH was incredible when my dad died, so kind, attentive and caring. If he had behaved like your partner, it would have completely affected our relationship.

I'm sorry for your loss. X

I don’t know how I’d feel emotionally, I think probably more stressed as I’d be a single parent with no support network and as emotionally unavailable as he is, he is 60% of our household income and 50% of domestic work, CoL has made leaving virtually impossible. Income multiples and high interest rates mean I couldn’t afford my own house and rate is over £1000 pcm here as is my childcare bill. That’s not even considering bills

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LaughingCat · 26/02/2023 11:33

Lesschubtolove · 26/02/2023 11:09

I don’t know how I’d feel emotionally, I think probably more stressed as I’d be a single parent with no support network and as emotionally unavailable as he is, he is 60% of our household income and 50% of domestic work, CoL has made leaving virtually impossible. Income multiples and high interest rates mean I couldn’t afford my own house and rate is over £1000 pcm here as is my childcare bill. That’s not even considering bills

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It might be something to work towards, as an option. You might not financially be able to leave him now, your relationship may change for the better over the next few years and you may end up not wanting to, but potentially, while you wait for the children to get old enough for the childcare bill to fall, if you’re able to put away a bit of money just in case as an ‘independence’ fund, it would at least give you options in the future.

That doesn’t mean that you have one foot out the door, nor does it stop you working on your relationship if he starts to show any hint of remorse or self-awareness of the effects of his dickwad behaviour on those around him.

It just means you know that at some point, you could have the option to leave if you wanted to get on with your life.

Original poster

Lesschubtolove · 26/02/2023 11:36

LaughingCat · 26/02/2023 11:33

It might be something to work towards, as an option. You might not financially be able to leave him now, your relationship may change for the better over the next few years and you may end up not wanting to, but potentially, while you wait for the children to get old enough for the childcare bill to fall, if you’re able to put away a bit of money just in case as an ‘independence’ fund, it would at least give you options in the future.

That doesn’t mean that you have one foot out the door, nor does it stop you working on your relationship if he starts to show any hint of remorse or self-awareness of the effects of his dickwad behaviour on those around him.

It just means you know that at some point, you could have the option to leave if you wanted to get on with your life.

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Oh yeah, already have my own independent savings (well investments) for that. But it’s at least 3-5 years down the line. The reality of having a husband and a marriage devoid of love and basic human compassion in the interim, is quite heartbreaking actually.

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LaughingCat · 26/02/2023 12:25

Lesschubtolove · 26/02/2023 11:36

Oh yeah, already have my own independent savings (well investments) for that. But it’s at least 3-5 years down the line. The reality of having a husband and a marriage devoid of love and basic human compassion in the interim, is quite heartbreaking actually.

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It is, utterly heartbreaking - no-one should have to live without intimacy, respect, love or feeling valued in their relationship.

And I’d feel quite trapped as well, in your situation hugs

Hold to the fact you deserve all of those things. You will have them, hopefully from him but from someone else in the future, if not. Someone awesome who will support you in all the ways you need. It will happen.

And, maybe get professional financial/legal advice on your options. Your position in a divorce may be a bit stronger than you think.

Poiuyl · 27/02/2023 07:06

I echo investigating a divorce and the financial implications, you may find that there is a way forward - at the very least, going down this road for research may help you feel a little less powerless/trapped at the moment.

He sounds like he drains you, and adds no quality of love or support in the marriage. That's a horrible way to live, I feel for you.

Honestly I'd feel so hurt, too. And I certainly wouldn't be offering emotional support to him for any reason. I'm not a petty person but I'd find it impossible to be intimate, impossible to even ask him how his day was!

If you can and you want to, investigate more fully the financials of divorce and definitely put you first.

I know it's twee, but be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the compassion you're missing in this marriage.