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Original poster

To be upset partner was planning on lying

64 replies

Burntoutandfedup · 25/02/2023 10:09

So long story short me and my partner are trying to save for a lot of things atm. Holiday, buying our house plans we have throughout the year. He went halves on a scrap run he did with his mate recently and I overheard a conversation between him and said friend where he told him the amount and asked if he still wanted him to hold £300 back for later. Because he was planning on telling me they got X amount and then hiding the rest from me and spending it on himself. When I overheard and confronted him he laughed it off and said he was only kidding. But I don't think he was kidding and he would have done that if I hadn't overheard. The thing is I'm not unreasonable and I would have let him spend it on himself anyway, as long as a decent amount when in savings I'm not a dragon, I'm just hurt he had a pre planned thing with his mate to lie to me. Would you be annoyed at this?

I said to him to see it from my perspective. If I lied and said I didn't get a works bonus. But actually I did and I spent it on makeup for myself, would he not be a bit hurt by that. We're supposed to be a team.

OP posts:
TheInterceptor · 25/02/2023 10:10

Only you know if you can be a bit dragon-y. What do you think?

growinggreyer · 25/02/2023 10:12

Now you know how his thought processes work, you have to decide what sort of life partner he will make. If you are buying a house with him, that is a big commitment. Do you think this is the right person for the biggest investment you will ever make?

Ketchupwee · 25/02/2023 10:14

I would be angry because he clearly doesn't see lying as a problem if it benefits him.

That would be a red line for me and I would be reconsidering tying myself financially to someone untrustworthy

ApocalypseNowt · 25/02/2023 10:15

It mostly reminds me of a little boy hiding something from his mum. Deeply unattractive.

Careful or you'll end up as the grown up/household manager in the relationship. I'd be really annoyed too.

Original poster
Burntoutandfedup · 25/02/2023 10:15

He spent it on tools, he also spent £200 on tools last week. I don't hide money from him, we have children and responsibilities I don't think it's too much to ask to make big financial decisions together

OP posts:
WinterMusings · 25/02/2023 10:17

That's completely unacceptable.

Char1otte · 25/02/2023 10:19

The thing is I'm not unreasonable and I would have let him spend it on himself anyway, as long as a decent amount when in savings

ITS HIS MONEY! No wonder he was thinking of lying because to LET him spend his own money is ridiculous. I assume he has wages, you both already fully contribute? Your bonus is yours, his scrap money is his.

Original poster
Burntoutandfedup · 25/02/2023 10:22

It's not we have shared finances. I work part time so I can care for our very young children and my entire wage pays the council tax and a few other bills. We live off the money he brings in. It's not his money he's been telling me for weeks this money is coming in

OP posts:
PuttingOnTheKitsch · 25/02/2023 10:23

He was thinking of spending the money on himself when you have children together? Not great.

BTW, you should have put the information about having children together in your OP, as loads of people will respond as if you've only been together for a few months, when that's clearly not the case.

bellylaughsalldaylong · 25/02/2023 10:24

The thing is I'm not unreasonable and I would have let him spend it on himself anyway, as long as a decent amount when in savings

you’d let him?? He’s a grown man. He can spend his money on what he wants. Absolutely no one would dictate how I spend my money.

have a word with yourself.

Original poster
Burntoutandfedup · 25/02/2023 10:25

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 25/02/2023 10:23

He was thinking of spending the money on himself when you have children together? Not great.

BTW, you should have put the information about having children together in your OP, as loads of people will respond as if you've only been together for a few months, when that's clearly not the case.

I'll just ignore those comments 😂

OP posts:
Char1otte · 25/02/2023 10:27

We have shared finances. We share everything. If my DH gets a bonus I constantly tell him to get himself something with it. Half the time he just puts it in shared money by choice but I'd prefer him not to. We plan and save off standard monies, not any potential bonuses or scrap monies.

You have given conditions to what he's to do with the money (as long as a chunk goes in savings)...thats not your call.

FrangipaniBlue · 25/02/2023 10:27

So he didn't actually blow the money on himself, he spent it on tools presumably that he needs for his trade?

Your further posts are very telling about why he wasn't going to tell you about it.

Char1otte · 25/02/2023 10:29

Your posts are very telling as to why he kept it from you. You don't get to make the call on everything.

Original poster
Burntoutandfedup · 25/02/2023 10:29

My earning penny's allows him to earn a proper wage and move up in his career. In 5 years when our kids are all at school and I can go back to work full time I'll be 10 years behind him career wise. I'm making a massive sacrifice so he can better his career and prospects. I don't think it's unfair to expect transparency. I've watched so much career progression opportunity's pass me by because I don't have the opportunity to work the hours needed because he does.

OP posts:
Char1otte · 25/02/2023 10:30

So go to work and put your kids in childcare. Don't blame him for your choices! Did he force you to work part time? Or did you make that choice?

WandaWonder · 25/02/2023 10:31

We each have spend money on ourselves on occasions to me that is what adults do

Bunnyishotandcross · 25/02/2023 10:31

Ime such men thrive on giving limited information. My exh wasn't working. I did. Tbh he benefited mostly from my wages. Including expensive hobby. When he got a job it was apparently his money.. A year on I ltb.

Bunnyishotandcross · 25/02/2023 10:34

Ime such men thrive on giving limited information. My exh wasn't working. I did. Tbh he benefited mostly from my wages. Including expensive hobby. When he got a job it was apparently his money.. A year on I ltb.

toomuchlaundry · 25/02/2023 10:34

Are you married?

Fixed · 25/02/2023 10:39

My DH has come home with scrap money a few times, mentioned it and threw it in his draw for a later date like when the car might need tyres, something might come up that he wants that's a big expense, etc etc.

I have a hobby that I make money from. On top of my FT job. That money doesn't go in to our blended monies. If I want something I get it, if my DH has his eye on something I'll treat him, it might go on a family holiday.

Point being....in both cases that's our choice. He would never try and say what mines for and I'd never try and say what his is for. After all we are adults. We share all other finances.

KievsOutTheOven · 25/02/2023 10:39

A lot of these responses come from people who obviously don’t have pooled finances. Pooled finances makes perfect sense when one person is working in a reduced capacity to save on childcare costs.

When finances are pooled, all money belongs to both parties and one person keeping money for themselves is not okay.

DontLikeMenthols · 25/02/2023 10:44

KievsOutTheOven · 25/02/2023 10:39

A lot of these responses come from people who obviously don’t have pooled finances. Pooled finances makes perfect sense when one person is working in a reduced capacity to save on childcare costs.

When finances are pooled, all money belongs to both parties and one person keeping money for themselves is not okay.

And I’m sure that works fine when it salary/wages but it sounds like OP’s partner did something extra with his mate and are splitting the earnings from that. Why is the OP demanding what he does with that money?

Clearly the couple made a choice for one of them to stay home and the other to go to work, the OP didn’t have to do that. It’s not fair to agree to that together and then complain about it when it doesn’t suit you.

as long as the DP is putting the same amount of money into savings as before then what he does with his bonuses or little extras is his business.

KievsOutTheOven · 25/02/2023 10:46

Fixed · 25/02/2023 10:39

My DH has come home with scrap money a few times, mentioned it and threw it in his draw for a later date like when the car might need tyres, something might come up that he wants that's a big expense, etc etc.

I have a hobby that I make money from. On top of my FT job. That money doesn't go in to our blended monies. If I want something I get it, if my DH has his eye on something I'll treat him, it might go on a family holiday.

Point being....in both cases that's our choice. He would never try and say what mines for and I'd never try and say what his is for. After all we are adults. We share all other finances.

That’s fine if it’s your choice. It’s also fine to consider all “extra” money as part of the household finances.

I have my salary, my partner has his.

On top of his, he can get overtime payments, which are added into his salary payment.

On top of mine, I can do paid exam marking and tutoring. These are paid separately to my main job.

My marking money goes towards a family holiday. My tutoring money goes into a piggy bank for spending on “fun” things which benefit the family.

For each of us to be able to earn the “extra” money, the other parent is required to support them by providing childcare.

Its not exactly fair if I do tutoring five days a week and leave my partner to do dinner and bedtime and then I use that money to buy myself a handbag, is it?

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 25/02/2023 10:48

Would most people really be so sanguine about £300 being kept back from the family? I'm not so sure. That's not a small amount of money to most people.

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