To be upset partner was planning on lying

[Burntoutandfedup]

So long story short me and my partner are trying to save for a lot of things atm. Holiday, buying our house plans we have throughout the year. He went halves on a scrap run he did with his mate recently and I overheard a conversation between him and said friend where he told him the amount and asked if he still wanted him to hold £300 back for later. Because he was planning on telling me they got X amount and then hiding the rest from me and spending it on himself. When I overheard and confronted him he laughed it off and said he was only kidding. But I don't think he was kidding and he would have done that if I hadn't overheard. The thing is I'm not unreasonable and I would have let him spend it on himself anyway, as long as a decent amount when in savings I'm not a dragon, I'm just hurt he had a pre planned thing with his mate to lie to me. Would you be annoyed at this?

I said to him to see it from my perspective. If I lied and said I didn't get a works bonus. But actually I did and I spent it on makeup for myself, would he not be a bit hurt by that. We're supposed to be a team.

It’s not about the money, it’s about trust. If he’ll lie about this what else would he lie about.

Totally agree with you.

Valid. And stupid.

A woman who works part-time to care for kids she has for a man she’s not married to is in a vulnerable position.

Not stupid either.

I work part time and I’m not married. Never will get married either. And I’m financially protected.

I'd feel as you do op tbh. I wouldn't care if DH spent money he'd earned on himself, but the lying is weird.

I'm a sahm at the minute and I don't care at all what DH spends money on, as he's pretty sensible with money and he earns it all, but I think setting up a plan with his friend so he could lie about it would upset me a bit. I'd also wonder if he thought I was a total dragon who he had to hide his spending from!

If you aren't controlling with money then he is lying for no reason which is something I find really off-putting in anyone.

I don't know if it was a join decision for you to go part time job wise when your kids were young. The reality is that you have a young family and you agreed to join finances.
You being at home with the kids and doing what I call the wife work enables him to work longer hours or do a bit of work on the side.
You given up career opportunities because you could not put in the extra hours ect due to having a young family.

I think that your giving up a lot at the moment for him and your kids. You not married to him and your living in a rental property.

At this stage I would be looking at going back into work full time. I know it will be harder when your kids are small working full time but you need to look at this as a short term pain for a long term gain.

Also as you get older it can be harder to get back into full time work without better previous work experience. In a job your getting more experience, extra training and courses that keep your skills up to date. Your meeting people and as well as that you can hear about jobs that are coming up in your organisation or elsewhere that can move you up the career ladder.

I would look into what help you may be entitled to re childcare. I would then tell your partner that you have decided to look for a full time job as you need to get your career back on track.
I would also tell him that he will have to help out more at home and with his children from now on. He may not like this but you need to tell him I have kids with you and we are not married so I don't have the same legal rights as a person who is married. Also I don't want to be in a rental property long term so we need more money to buy a house.

The truth is that your not in a great position at the moment and after hearing what you did I would start to put a plan together to improve your position career and money wise. I would not be working PT to bring up his kids and make his life easier when you not married and living in a rental property.

Why are you sacrificing so much for a man you haven't married?

Very sneaky and unattractive from a man with children.

So much sacrifice for a man who is so comfortable lying to you.

The OP sounds to me, that she didn't object to how he was going to use the money, but objected to him planning to deceive her, by having his friend hold some of it back.

The money is irrelevant- I would be more worried that he can lie so easily

The fact he has to lie to get money to spend on tools is more the point

I used to work in industry with lots of blokes. I’d say 90% of them had a ‘slush fund’ a separate bank account that their wives didn’t know about that they would deposit some of their pay into. They would do it from the first pay when they started so that the pay amount didn’t suddenly drop. They used to talk about it all the time. I was just one of the guys there so they would talk about this stuff in front of me.

some even said in previous jobs where they worked away they would lie about the rotation to get a few days off work before they went home. Eg if they were 10 days on 10 days off they might say they were 12 on 8 off. I never did work away to see for myself but I was told that this was very common.

I don’t know how much of the stuff they said sometimes was true but I reckon about half used to openly talk about cheating on partners. It was very eye opening to say the least about how poorly men can behave.

The lying and keeping money back for just him without you having the same would piss me off too. You being a bit dragony about him spending money isn't a reason for him to lie, jesus that is a weak and pathetic excuse, he can't cope with his wife being annoyed that he wants to fritter £300 away when you're saving for a house? He needs to grow up and be an adult and discuss it if there's a money issue. Maybe you both need to agree to have a bit more to spend on yourselves each month, not £300 but something. But you need to be clear when he does this that it chips away at the trust you have, he needs to be open and honest and behave like an adult not a selfish, immature, lying child.