To be upset partner was planning on lying

[Burntoutandfedup]

So long story short me and my partner are trying to save for a lot of things atm. Holiday, buying our house plans we have throughout the year. He went halves on a scrap run he did with his mate recently and I overheard a conversation between him and said friend where he told him the amount and asked if he still wanted him to hold £300 back for later. Because he was planning on telling me they got X amount and then hiding the rest from me and spending it on himself. When I overheard and confronted him he laughed it off and said he was only kidding. But I don't think he was kidding and he would have done that if I hadn't overheard. The thing is I'm not unreasonable and I would have let him spend it on himself anyway, as long as a decent amount when in savings I'm not a dragon, I'm just hurt he had a pre planned thing with his mate to lie to me. Would you be annoyed at this?

I said to him to see it from my perspective. If I lied and said I didn't get a works bonus. But actually I did and I spent it on makeup for myself, would he not be a bit hurt by that. We're supposed to be a team.

We share finances. Our normal job finances. That's what our bills, luxuries, living within our means is based on.

Anything on top like scrap money with his mate, my hobby generating some money....we do what we want with that which often is family or pooled stuff anyway, but at no point would each other try and control that! We are adults.

Yes but presumably during that time that he was earning that money, op was left with extra responsibility to look after the children?

Like in the example from the OP, it sounds like the OP is paid bonuses which are considered “family money” - in which instance the ops partner should also pay his “extra” money into family finances.

And that’s completely valid and okay. It depends what the norm in the relationship is though. It isn’t fair if OP pools the finances and then her partner keeps them for himself. As long as both couples are on the same page then it’s all good.

Now you know he's not honest or transparent.

Perhaps you need to consider taking some of the opportunities you've been missing. Because he doesn't sound entirely committed to your partnership. And I'm not sure I'd be relying on him in 10 years.

What is your housing situation?

But many people wouldn't do that.

Neither my DH or I would get a good lump sum and spend it on ourselves without some discussion first.

I think he's felt he wanted to keep some back because of your phrases like "letting him" spend it on things.

Are you serious? It's a decision they made together for her to work part time and him to work full time and them to pool their resources.

She's just asking him to be honest about what he's earning - not controlling what he spends.

Exactly. We don't have pooled resources but pay proportionate bills to our earnings. We both had extra bonuses this month and have discussed what we're doing with the extra. We're not bothered what the other does but it's a normal conversation, surely?

Please don't tell us you're being barb the builder for a man! Please don't do that to yourself.

With all these lost career opportunities, it sounds like it would have been better for him to invest in building your career.

@GoodChat but she's asking him to be honest about his earnings and control what he spends. This is probably why he has held off telling her.

My good friend works PT, her DH earns about 6 times her salary. He gets bonuses too. And she dictates to him what the money is being spent on. Its painful to watch when she chooses not to work more hours (I'm not saying this is the case with OP as she's looking after chilldren). But my friends DH is my DH's friend, and the things he tells him about what he's purchased but don't tell her. I actually don't blame him because she's so controlling over their finances when I really don't think she has a right to be.

It’s the lack of transparency and the attempt to hide the extra money that would upset me. Adults in a loving and trusting relationship don’t lie about earning and spending money, you either have certain financial priorities or you don’t.

Particularly when there are children involved and one of the priorities is saving for a housing deposit. Also, we are in the middle of a cost of living crisis, surely now more than ever, money should be a joint conversation.

OP I would be seeking to review if I was on the same page with my OH with regards to financial priorities. I would also be reviewing my current work situation and considering returning to work full time.

I don't know - I feel if he said to her "I'm getting £500 but I'm thinking about buying x, y and z out of it then the rest will go in the family pot" she'd be ok with that. It's the overhearing him hiding it that's the problem as she's in a vulnerable position if he's hiding money regularly.

@Oohhhh Please can you highlight where the OP has said that she controls what her husband spends because I must have missed that statement.

It doesn’t sound as though you are very fond of your friend. Are you usually very intimately aware of the finances of all your friends?

@GoodChat I agree, but I'd be more concerned about why he felt he had to lie rather than the actual lie. It suggests a problem of some sort.

She's blatantly said her DH is friends with OP's her friends DH who confides in him.

I do agree that it needs a wider conversation about how they're both feeling and deciding if they need a new approach

This bit as you missed it:
would have let him spend it on himself
Doesn't seem up to anyone to let anyone spend anything.

I dont know any of my other friends finances no, nor do I want to. But considering these particular friends sit and discuss all kinds around us, we holiday together, we do lots together. It also means we witness every time she tells him he needs to do this and that and no you're not buying this or that. My DH is best friends with her DH, he tells him all kinds (as I already stated). It doesn't mean I'm not fond of her, it means, like I said, it's painful to watch how she takes such control of his money.

Never heard of the saying ‘there’s two sides to every story’?

Or is the word of a man always gospel? Could it be possible that the friend’s DH is putting a spin on things to paint himself in a certain light?

Well of course there is - but @Oohhhh was relaying what she knows of their circumstances. She knows more than us @PoppyFleur.

@PoppyFleur oh my god I'm literally telling you what I hear with my own ears! I see her do it in front of my face!! Then he will say to my DH I ordered that thing but don't tell her. She paints herself in exactly the light I'm describing, all he does is end up ordering something he wants anyway but says to my DH don't tell her she will kick off.

Thanks @GoodChat, someone with sense 🤣

We're few and far between on here these days, I think

@GoodChat 100% 🤣

That is on you. You could go back to work like many millions of women do and to be honest if this man is just a “partner” you are a bit daft not to have done so.

She does work. Read again!

Also some people choose not to get married which is a valid choice.