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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL reaction seems cold

58 replies

Asummersday · 25/02/2023 09:59

Not sure whether i’m just being overly sensitive and reading too much into things or if MIL is being insensitive.

I am early 30s for reference. Husband text MIL in our group chat to tell her the sad news that my sister had died.

she replies “sending hugs & our love”

then a couple of hours later a funny pic of her dog.

then nothing about it, for weeks. If it was me, I would at least send a card or check in with the person showing some empathy and care.

Am I overthinking this??

OP posts:
FourFour · 25/02/2023 10:00

Yanbu, but is she close to you otherwise? did she know your dsis? Sorry for your loss.

Donnashair · 25/02/2023 10:02

It does seem cold. But people deal with things in different ways and lots of people aren’t comfortable around death.

Its also not as simple as getting over the uncomfortableness, it’s usually ingrained in people.

When my mum died, I was really surprised how some people just kind of ignored it.

R0ckets · 25/02/2023 10:03

Did she know your sister? If she's otherwise kind and you're close I wouldn't think more of it. Also I'm sorry for your loss.

I find it weirder however that your husband told her such news in a group chat message. Surely that's the sort of news you tell someone in person or over the phone.

northernlola · 25/02/2023 10:04

Picture of the dog was inappropriate. Has your husband said anything to her? It does seem cold to me. But as above, people often say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing, when actually it's better to say something than ignore!

So sorry for your loss.

Donnashair · 25/02/2023 10:04

Pressed post too soon.

Its a really odd thing that some people can’t seem to do anything above pretending it’s not happening.

How was your relationship before this?

I am so sorry for your loss.

FabFitFifties · 25/02/2023 10:04

Yes, as your MIL, I would be checking in on you and the family as a whole. How close are you, as a family and also in distance? Have other family members made an effort? If there is a back story to your relationship, might she not know how to respond for the best?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/02/2023 10:16

The initial comment was fine, but the dog picture was not. Also she should have contacted you after a day or so to ask how you are doing, and sent a mass card or sympathy card...the usual stuff. Sounds like she doesn't have the best social skills.

Zanatdy · 25/02/2023 10:17

I’d have sent flowers and a card. Yes it does seem very cold to me

Purplebiscuitwithsprinkles · 25/02/2023 10:24

Very odd behaviour from both sides MIL and the picture but even stranger with your husband texting in a group chat. Sorry for your loss Flowers

MySugarBabyLove · 25/02/2023 10:24

How many people are in this group chat? If it was just you and your DP then I would say dog picture was inappropriate, but if it was a family throug chat then I wouldn’t be expecting all conversation to cease, there’s no right or wrong, some people do want people to still act normal and others don’t, so if there had been a radio silence on the group after then that could have been perceived as wrong as well.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 25/02/2023 10:37

Are you close with her? I think sometimes people just don’t know what to say or how to react around death and sadness. I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, prognosis is very short, within our group chat the talk remains mostly light and sharing cute photos of children/ pets etc because honestly nobody knows what else to say and we’re trying to offer a distraction to the reality of what she’s going through.

TellSomeoneElse · 25/02/2023 10:40

YANBU, that’s cold as ice. Losing your sister is a big deal and it wouldn’t have been terribly difficult for her to have sent even just a few messages here and there just checking in with you if a card and flowers or the ilk was just too strenuous for her. Even a message via your husband would’ve been better than just that generic half-hearted response.
im so sorry for your loss 💐

WandaWonder · 25/02/2023 10:40

This seems to be a regular thing on here, you control how people act towards you of because of news etc.

Everyone does not read the same rule book 'what to do when x happens'

If people are looking for things to be upset or offended about they always will find then

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 25/02/2023 10:41

Sorry for your loss OP.

I don't think your husband sending a text to let MIL know about the loss of your sister has helped the situation. It's quite a shocking way to receive such news. Perhaps as the way she received the message was so flippant MIL didn't see the importance?

WinterMusings · 25/02/2023 11:03

@Asummersday I'm very sorry to hear about your sister 💐

Why did your DH tell her on a group chat on WhatsApp?

too many family dynamic are unknown for an outsider to say whether her reaction was. I'm one to send cards/flowers, but it's not fair for people here to say it's 'off' or 'cold' without knowing the dynamics at play.

MintJulia · 25/02/2023 11:04

Depends how close you are. She's expressed her sympathies, and now may think you want to be left in peace to grieve.

Different families do grief in different ways.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/02/2023 11:06

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · Today 10:41
Sorry for your loss OP.

I don't think your husband sending a text to let MIL know about the loss of your sister has helped the situation. It's quite a shocking way to receive such news. Perhaps as the way she received the message was so flippant MIL didn't see the importance?“

This. Almost as bad as a Facebook announcement.

Calphurnia88 · 25/02/2023 11:09

Not everyone sends condolence cards, but it's inconsiderate of her not to mention it (assuming you have seen it spoken to her since) and the dog photo was incredibly thoughtless and inappropriate.

Is she usually self-centered? Socially awkward? Not looking for excuses but this might explain her behaviour since it's not the norm.

MelchiorsMistress · 25/02/2023 11:11

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 25/02/2023 10:41

Sorry for your loss OP.

I don't think your husband sending a text to let MIL know about the loss of your sister has helped the situation. It's quite a shocking way to receive such news. Perhaps as the way she received the message was so flippant MIL didn't see the importance?

This.

She probably feels awkward, as many people do around death. Your DH should have phoned to tell her such big news.

Sleepingmole · 25/02/2023 11:14

I don’t agree with some of the replies. I think as her dil she should care for your welfare. Losing a sister is awful and to send a picture of a dog 3hrs after being told is insensitive and hurtful. It’s not she didn’t know how to respond to grief- she just should have had the sense that a dog picture wasn’t appropriate at that stage. I don’t think a text would help but I imagine you won’t forget the lack of though and care.
I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’re having to deal with this hurt.

FrostyFifi · 25/02/2023 11:18

Bloody hell that is absolutely awful! I am so sorry for your loss, losing a sister particularly so young is a profound bereavement.

MelchiorsMistress · 25/02/2023 11:18

Sending the picture would have been hugely insensitive if she sent it directly to the OP, but she put it on a group chat. If it’s a group chat with numerous family members on it then it would be understandable for her to continue to use the group chat as she usually does.

BiggerBoyMadeMeDoit · 25/02/2023 11:21

Zanatdy · 25/02/2023 10:17

I’d have sent flowers and a card. Yes it does seem very cold to me

See, everyone reacts differently on both sides. Any flowers and cards I got when my Mother died went straight in the bin unopened. They didn’t help me at all and actually made me feel angry at the time that people thought that these could ‘replace’ my Mother.

Obviously now I realise they were sent with good intent, but at the time they didn’t help.

whatswrongwithdh · 25/02/2023 11:35

Interesting the replies. Sadly it's something I might have done before reading this, send a reply, then think of you and I'd have sent the pic thinking maybe it would momentarily give you a smile, but being part of the group chat you could skim it if not your thing.

tulips27 · 25/02/2023 11:44

If her dog message was recent I'd be tempted to reply and say you think it's insensitive, otherwise it will be on your mind for years. "Nice pic but I feel this was a bit insensitive considering that I've just lost my sister".