MIL reaction seems cold

[Asummersday]

Not sure whether i’m just being overly sensitive and reading too much into things or if MIL is being insensitive.

I am early 30s for reference. Husband text MIL in our group chat to tell her the sad news that my sister had died.

she replies “sending hugs & our love”

then a couple of hours later a funny pic of her dog.

then nothing about it, for weeks. If it was me, I would at least send a card or check in with the person showing some empathy and care.

Am I overthinking this??

Oh sorry, I see it wasn't recent.

Yanbu x

That.

In OP's position, I'd be posting about my feelings about DH giving such sad news in a group chat, to be honest.

When my sister died my MIL said to me “you should be grateful you had a sister, mine died when she was a child”. Now that’s insensitive!

As you say everyone grieves differently and when we lost my dad we were all really grateful for all the friends and family who either popped round with flowers or had some delivered. Nothing can replace a parent or a loved one when they pass, but some kind words and flowers is just a gesture to let someone know you’re thinking of them. I’d rather send some and have them go in the bin than not bother and have my friend think I don’t care. My best friends (old school friends) and I always send flowers or gifts when there are life events. We sent care packages when we got covid, flowers for illness and bereavements. When my dad died I had cards off people I never expected to and it was really lovely and I’ve never forgotten.

People do say the most awful thing;, on the other hand I believe this is why sometimes people start saying nothing when someone tells someone else that someone has died: because of the pure fear of coming out with clangers like this that will be remembered for ever!

*things

Wow. Cannot believe how insensitive some people can be. Shocking

What was the dog doing that was funny? Or was it just a funny looking dog?

That seems rather insensitive to me, however my late MIL was similar.
If something did not affect her directly she ignored it.

So sorry you lost your sister , that would be unbearable for me.💐

@WandaWonder

its not about controlling how someone acts, it’s about showing some basic human emotion and empathy!

I’m not sure that my MIL would send me a card, or even reach out to me directly, if my sister died. She’s never met my sister though, and actually I’m not sure she could tell you how many siblings I even have - certainly couldn’t name them. Is that the same here?
I think sending only a message reply to him in the group chat is fine. Sure it’s a “could do better” situation, but if he dropped it into a group chat, he set the tone - he clearly didn’t think his mother was close to you.

I do think the dog picture was insensitive though! There’s no clear etiquette on how soon to start using a group chat again after sad news - but I’d say same day is out!

Is it a family group with mainly his side of the family? How well does that family know your sister and why are you upset only with your MIL? What about others in the chat?

I honestly feel like everyone on here is also weirdly under-reacting, as if OP is talking about a very elderly great-aunty dying not her own sibling who has passed away at a tragically young age.

Surely a DIL suffering a major bereavement is a big deal within a family?

The dog picture is awful and so is her initial message, which is a bit of a bland nothing as if he’d told her your boiler had broken down or something.

But! What was he thinking, sending that news to a group chat? There is no possible way that group can follow up the news and get back to talking normally (and it is OK for them to get back to normal) without it seeming cold. He should have phoned MIL and other family, or messaged them individually.

Exactly we can't please everyone all the time.
That's how she dealt with it whether it's right for you or not.
Stop the group text about people dying if you don't like it. Speak to people on the phone.

I'm also shocked that more people on this thread aren't offering their condolences.

This is a horrid way to look at it and very judgemental of a grieving person.

I told my closest friends about the loss of my dm via text on our group chat. I didn’t feel able to get the words out over the phone and we don’t all live close together to do so in person as we had with relatives. Dh offered to speak to them but he was also upset and I preferred that they were all told at the same time.

They were quite able to understand the importance of the news of my dm’s death in spite of the fact it was delivered by text and it certainly didn’t stop them being the lovely supportive friends they have always been. Perhaps because they are good people and not insensitive twats.

There is no excuse for the mil’s behaviour and lack of support.

I'm sorry, OP.

My SiL made the death of my darling mum even more painful than it needed to be. She came to my home the day after the funeral and had a long telephone conversation with my MiL right in front of me, in which she said 'what would I do if I didn't have my mum to talk to?'

She has never been invited back.

Mil and SiL ostracized me when I had a particularly nasty miscarriage (one of several).

Last year I almost died (DVT clots and two huge emboli, one in each lung). When MiL visited over the Christmas break, and I'd cooked for her, not only did she not bother to ask how I was (I wasn't expecting concern) but for some reason best known to herself refused even to speak to me.

She won't be seeing me again. I am through.

Unfortunately some people just don’t have the emotional capacity to be there for other people. She may be suffering from depression or it could have triggered her own feelings of loss about a sibling, whatever she is going through doesn’t really matter, the fact is she doesn’t have the energy/capability to be emotionally supportive to you right now. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just the situation.

If it was me I would make a mental note of it, and if she is ever in the same situation give her back the same emotional distance she is giving you. trauma and loss can either bring people closer or further apart - she’s chosen to distance herself. It’s sad.

I would be disappointed with the lack of interest and her not checking in with you. For contrast, my parents only see my DP's brother once a year around Christmas but I know they'd attend send a card and call and even possibly attend the funeral to show support for my DP. Are you close to your MIL?

Not sure I agree with that. I'm assuming this picture was in the group chat. So weirdly OP's husband sends a text in a group chat about the death, MIL responds in the group chat, and then later posts a photo to the group chat. That's how I read it. So the photo wasn't, as I am reading it, personal to the OP, and there is no reason why the group chat goes into solemn mode even if everyone in it is sad at the news.

Honestly I think the odd thing was the OH posting something like that in a group chat, and I am not sure, beyond the response the OP got, what was expected. Not everyone is into cards and flowers these days. I might act differently, but not everyone does act the same. And I do see so many people who think that texting / group chats etc replaces other types of contact. So I am not sure that I would be making a judgement based on a single thing that is open to misinterpretation.

I'd expect a group chat to be appropriately solemn if the news of a major loss had just been shared, even if they weren't well acquainted with OPs sister they presumably are with OP herself.

Gosh, OP, I am so terribly sorry. Losing a sibling must be really difficult.

You aren’t being unreasonable at all. That is a very cold reaction from your MIL and somewhat trivialises your loss. My MIL text me photos of her new kitchen after hearing I had lost a pregnancy and I can remember being such in the throws of grief that I had to check with DH that I wasn’t going mad to think it was a batshit response. It was three months later (actually at the point when the darkness was beginning to lift) that she sent me a card, but only after I had failed to respond to all communication from her.

Needless to say MIL and I are not close and it is behaviour like this which is the reason why.

Do you have a friend to talk to? It might be helpful to hear their outrage. What does DH think?

I pressed YABU by accident. Sorry for your loss and yes, that is very insensitive.