How would you handle GP favouritism?

[GPFavo]

NC'd.

I have 2 DCs, DS and DD. My parents have 4 GCs in total: DS is the eldest GC, DD is the 3rd. DSis's DS is the 2nd and DBro's DD is the 4th. My DM massively favours boys over girls - always has and always will. Both my DBro's moved abroad and my DSis and DM butt heads regularly (no hostility, just difference of opinions and values - no one is right or wrong, just different) - so, I see my DM most often. It also falls to me to sort Mother's Day, DM's birthday, Christmas, Easter etc - I'd obviously like her to have nice gifts/lunches/experiences/etc but I do feel I shouldn't have the full burden of organising and cost.

DS adores DM and she doted on him. When it was just DS and DN1, DM treated them equally and loved them both and it was fine. Then, when DD came along, I felt very anxious about DM favouring the boys. There were a few teething issues with DM. With DN2 also being a girl, I thought DM would treat them equally but I think because she's DBro's DD and DM favours DBro over me/DSis, DN is very firmly the favourite and it's very clear.

How would you navigate this? I love DM but her biggest flaw is that she does have an explosive temper in response to criticism or perceived criticism so I don't want to kick anything off.

That's a lot of fucking Ds

I would not allow someone to risk the sibling relationship (dd could end up resenting ds) and/or damage my DD's self esteem. It's your job to protect your kids from repeating the fucked up dynamic created by your mother. Being the Golden Child isn't good for ds either.

🤣🤣🤣

You need to be the adult and deal with her anger so that your kids are protected by the damage she is causing.

That's helpful @WhyCantYourPartnerDoIt

OP in these situations you have to be so firm. Favouritism is so damaging for all the children involved. Give her an ultimatum, she packs in the favouritism or you will have to go NC. I know it's hard but favouritism is so toxic.

Well that’s confusing when you use DN for both niece and nephew

I thought you meant the doctor (GP).The only way to be the favourite patient is to be nice to the secretary at the surgery. That advice is no good to you though!!

Regarding granny, buy tickets for you all to go to the cinema together, all the best.

How is this favoritism displayed? If your dneice lives abroad is your dd in her company often? Does your dm treat your dd differently than your ds and dnephew?

Thank you, I know I need to tackle it but I just don't know how to without causing a huge fallout. It obviously impacts other people (i.e. I can't say how she favours my brothers without dropping DSis in it etc) so I don't want to create a big drama for other people. I also know that any resentment or low contact or hostility will impact the DCs too. I don't know how to tackle it.

How is here favouritism expressed? More presents? Different words? Explicitly saying she only likes the boys?

My mother does this and I generally minimise the time she spends with the children and the time she does spend with them is nearly always supervised so I can intervene immediately to balance things out.

As an example, on a group video call yesterday, SIL was holding DN and I was holding DD and DM said DN was "the most beautiful baby in the whole world".

My mum & dad spend more time with my son & are very good to us. But they clearly favour my sister’s boy. Mum always comments about how well brought up he is. I just ignore it. It is annoying though...

Between us siblings, it was always clear. My DBros were always favoured hugely but it also extends to how she treats my DH and BIL (both favoured) whilst she doesn't like my SILs. My GM is the same with my uncles.

One DBro and I are very close in age so it's quite easy to see from our childhood. For example, one Christmas, we got a shared computer from relatives who all clubbed together - DM set it up in my DBro's bedroom and I could only use it with his permission. We were 13/14 at the time so he obviously never gave me permission so I never got to use it. For his 18th birthday, he had a big party - mine had no celebration at all. We both played an instrument at school and then DBro quit. A few years later DM said she couldn't afford my lessons anymore and I had to stop. DBro then wanted to play a different instrument so, the next term, she began paying for those. His driving lessons were paid for and mine weren't. He got taken out for a celebratory meal for his GCSE results day and (even though I got better grades) I got told I hadn't worked hard enough. DBro had a savings account and I never did. He went on school trips that I was told we couldn't afford. DH and I didn't even get a wedding present. Even when I was in labour with DD, and DBro was flying in (coincidental timing), she asked DH to leave the hospital to meet DBro because she wanted as much family as possible to greet him (he refused). She also wouldn't come to see DD when she was born and expected us to go to her. She also says things like "DBro was always the most intelligent child" or "DBro is so good at X, Y, Z"... So, nothing huge. Nothing like leaving him everything in her will or anything awful, just small things, constantly.

My in-laws massively favour SIL's two sons over our two. As a result, our nephews have a very close relationship with their grandparents and my two have almost no relationship with them. That's their grandparents' choice, I tried when DSs were younger but their grandparents clearly weren't interested so I don't bother now.

DH brought it up with his parents a few times, things improved for a couple of months and then went back to how they had been. We just don't bother now, they never ask how our DSs are, they aren't remotely interested in anything to do with them.

DH tolerates his parents but they aren't close, his sister has always been the golden child so we just let them all get on with it. It became a lot easier when we decided to stop caring about it tbh. They live 20 minutes up the road and we see them maybe twice a year.

Is your daughter still a baby or a toddler. Is it definitely favourism or is it simply treating them differently because of their ages and personalities?
I certainly not implying your imagining things but could it be that YOU felt like the least favourite sibling and you have unconscious negative bias? Would it be earth taking a few notes so you have some real examples to reflect on. Share them with your children's dad and see what he thinks. If it's definitely bias you need to call your mum out on this and if it continues, reduce contact.
How does your dad treat the grand children? Sometimes it 'balances out'.

DD is 6mo so still a baby.

DH absolutely agrees she favours boys/men - and that she favours DN2 (DBro's DD) over our DD. We just had a big discussion about it that triggered me to post this. For example, she sent a gift to DN2 when she was born but didn't for DD. She also gave DBro and SIL money but didn't give DH and I any (I don't expect money, it's just a point of difference). She set up a group chat for us to discuss DN2 (without DBro or SIL even in it) with her name as the title of the group.

DDad is equal in my opinion.

I'm sorry to say this OP but based on your last few posts your mother sounds absolutely toxic and I struggle to see why you let either of your two lovely children within a million miles of her (or why you'd want any contact yourself). This is definitely not a case of you imagining things that aren't there, this is a case of your mum wanting to spread extremely damaging behaviour into the next generation.

Agree with PP, quite a few of those examples are actually awful, especially as you and your brother are so close in age. The inequality must have stunk to high heaven and it looks like your mum wasn't one for letting an opportunity to let you know your place pass her by.
It would be Bayliss & Bullshit handwash and some shite garage flowers for Mothers Day from me. Let the golden boy sort her out.
And I'd not be allowing her the airspace to make my daughter feel second best either. No chance. If that means LC or NC then that's what has to happen.

These aren’t small things OP - she’s a nasty piece of work and she’s going to affect your children. Maybe you’re so used to it that you’re not grasping how awful she is.

Honestly OP, why are you allowing your mother to treat your child like this.?

You were treated awful as well ,this is NOT normal behaviour from a Grandmother.

I have 4 gc both sexes and love them all equally. I would never ever treat them differently.

Stop allowing yourself to be treated like an afterthought.

Fuck her off. She sounds absolutely horrid. Protect your children!!

Clicked on this thread because I was curious to know how you would uncover favouritism at the doctor’s.

How sad. Looks like your mum's a not so closet misogynistic! Going from your examples it doesn't look like she's moved with the times or is going to alter her view anytime soon. Your duty is to children. Neither your son nor your daughter need to be around this. It's unhealthy.
BTW I know 2 step brothers brought up in a blended family. The boys were very close from a young age. One grew up angry with possible attachment issues, but favoured boy who loves his brother grew up with guilt.
Distance yourself. Your daughter and your son are at risk.
Maybe have a heart to heart with your brother too. He might be the golden boy but he is still a victim of sorts even if he doesn't realise. Break the cycle x

@GPFavo As an example, on a group video call yesterday, SIL was holding DN and I was holding DD and DM said DN was "the most beautiful baby in the whole world".

I beg your pardon?!?!?! I would have exploded on her for that! PLEASE tell me you pulled her up on this??????