How would you handle GP favouritism?

[GPFavo]

NC'd.

I have 2 DCs, DS and DD. My parents have 4 GCs in total: DS is the eldest GC, DD is the 3rd. DSis's DS is the 2nd and DBro's DD is the 4th. My DM massively favours boys over girls - always has and always will. Both my DBro's moved abroad and my DSis and DM butt heads regularly (no hostility, just difference of opinions and values - no one is right or wrong, just different) - so, I see my DM most often. It also falls to me to sort Mother's Day, DM's birthday, Christmas, Easter etc - I'd obviously like her to have nice gifts/lunches/experiences/etc but I do feel I shouldn't have the full burden of organising and cost.

DS adores DM and she doted on him. When it was just DS and DN1, DM treated them equally and loved them both and it was fine. Then, when DD came along, I felt very anxious about DM favouring the boys. There were a few teething issues with DM. With DN2 also being a girl, I thought DM would treat them equally but I think because she's DBro's DD and DM favours DBro over me/DSis, DN is very firmly the favourite and it's very clear.

How would you navigate this? I love DM but her biggest flaw is that she does have an explosive temper in response to criticism or perceived criticism so I don't want to kick anything off.

Jesus Christ that's appalling. Why on earth do you still speak to them at all?!?!?!

I’m just wondering why you still have any contact with her. That is a lot!

I couldn’t really follow that, but your mum sounds like a twat who isn’t entirely deserving of your love for her. She treats you and your sister like crap. Protect your girl from that bullshit.

Just read your update. She’s not at all deserving of your love, she’s a witch.

Your updates are heartbreaking.

I would not be in contact with such a horribly cruel person and she would have never met my children either.

It's really sad that you love someone who treats you so badly.

Your updates are mad. How an earth have you kept in touch with her? These arent little things, they are huge. I would not allow this mad woman any further access to my children.

Bin her off, she will never change. Protect your babies the way your dad should have protected you.

Gosh you set the bar low for yourself op.

All of those things your mother did for your brother growing up compared to you is absolutely shocking!!!

Why don’t you call her out on these things?

Id send her a WhatsApp message with some of the examples you have given above and tell her that you do not think it is fair for her to treat your child this way

Shd can only treat your child like this if you allow it

Stand up to her

@SchoolTripDrama they aren't nasty as such, they're just totally disinterested as they're so wrapped up in SIL and her children. Their idea of "family" is a bit odd, DH and I have been together nearly 20 years but they don't consider me part of "their" family.
I only ever hear from them when they want something. DH arranges stuff with them now, we go so that the DSs get to see their cousins. It upsets me if I think about it too much, so I try not to. I guess we are very low contact but not really on purpose, more because they can't be bothered and I've given up trying!

OP, I'm sorry to say it but your mother sounds very unkind. I'd go really low contact I think, save yourself the heartache and hassle.

Well for a start I would stop with the present organising for her. If she says anything remind her she has 4 children and as you feel like she treats you worse than the others you are leaving her to it. Same goes for your children. If she makes them feel less worthy than the other GC reduce or stop contact.

Those examples from your childhood were terrible. Can you imagine treating your DS and DD that way? I think you need to work through why you're still trying so hard with your DM when she's not shown you as much love and consideration as she could have.

Does your DB go along with it? My partners mother tries to treat him better than his sister - he finds ways of shutting it down or sharing with her. He's told his sister that he'll share any inheritance with her if their mother decides to leave it all to him.

And what's worse? Them seeing obvious favouritism or going low contact?

If you don't want to involve other people then only speak about your children.

I have had similar experience with an elder sister who did this to my kids and brothers kids. Would accuse me of being jealous if it was bought up.

Op do you really think these people are not aware of what they're doing? They are perfectly aware and will just make excuses for their behaviour. Excuses that paint you as the bad guy.

I know it's hard i went lc, best thing i did. Why would you want your child to be close to people who treat them like that? I believe its the kids that suffer wondering why they aren't enough, special etc.

I think if you let your kids get close to people who they later realise treat them badly its very difficult if not impossible for them to distance themselves. Those bonds for them at least are already there. Kind of like how you'll find it difficult to distance yourself.

My god she's awful! Stop doing the whole Mother's day thing. Just a card and maybe some flowers. Her favourite can organise something. Definitely go low contact. Do you want to expose your DC's to the decades of hurt you've had to deal with?

My MIL is a little bit like this and I've gone LC with her. My kids don't ask for her, don't seem to really think about her at all. I wanted them not to notice the disparity in attention, presents etc. I don't regret it.

If / when she kicks off, grey rock her. Don't engage. Start protecting yourself from this horrible toxic dynamic.

Honestly, I think you probably need to unpick why you’re still engaging with her to facilitate her obvious preferences. Your loyalty should be protecting your children, not maintaining a relationship to avoid her temper. I don’t say that to be horrible, but you need to break the pattern before she damages those less favourable to her.

It also falls to me to sort Mother's Day, DM's birthday, Christmas, Easter etc - I'd obviously like her to have nice gifts/lunches/experiences/etc but I do feel I shouldn't have the full burden of organising and cost

Why on earth are you doing this? You don't have to. Stop tying yourself in knots to pander to someone who sees you and her grand daughters as second class humans.

The grand daughters will be a lot happier for it, over time you will be as well.

Your mother is a witch. Go low contact.

Your second update is just awful OP, what a wicked way for a parent to treat a child. The problem now I suspect is that you are so conditioned to it, you have become a massive pleaser to try and get her love, and so it’s going to be very hard to stand up to her. Especially if she is generally reactive to criticism. But you owe it to both your children and yourself to address it. I think you have two realistic options:

1. Reduce contact. If you want to get her gifts, do so - but only from you. So she sees your hard work and you aren’t covering for your siblings. But shield your children from her and only see them alone, without your nephew and niece; or
2. Challenge it. Write to her and tell her having your DD and seeing the difference in treatment between your DN and DD has made you reflect on your childhood and how incredibly hurt you were by the difference in treatment to your brother. That you are sure it was unintentional on her part (!) but it made you feel less loved and inferior, and you aren’t willing to accept that for your children. So you are asking her to reflect on it and to work on treating all four of her grandchildren equally. See what the reaction is. If it’s bad, you will need to step back.

Of course, with 2, she may well accuse you of being jealous. In that scenario I would just accept your were and you are jealous of the fact that your mother loved your sibling more than you. What can she say to that?!

Not a cat in hells chance would I be making the effort you do for her celebrations after your update about how she's treated you differently.

Not only that, you're also allowing her to do it to your DD now too because you don't want to rock the boat. (I'm not saying that to be goady or mean).

You have to stop it now and advocate for yourself and your DD.

You lost me at the first bunch of d's. Just be grateful your children have grandparents at all. Mine doesn't.

@lollipoprainbow why should she be grateful of grandparents who treat them all badly??

My boys don't have grandparents (one side passed away and one side not interested). No way am I grateful they have 2 uninterested adults in their life - we leave them to it and crack on with our life.

Honestly OP after reading your update I wonder why you bother with your mum at all, let alone sorting out nice things for her birthday.

I love DM but her biggest flaw is that she does have an explosive temper in response to criticism or perceived criticism so I don't want to kick anything off.
That is a big flaw but I don't know about biggest. Having read your update with all the examples of how she treated you differently to your brother she sounds appalling. They are not small things. Individually some of them are quite bad and taken together they add up to a heartbreaking litany of unfairness.

I'd obviously like her to have nice gifts/lunches/experiences/etc
Why? Seriously. She doesn't seem to have made much effort to treat you nicely. Do you think on some level you are still trying to win her love and approval?

DDad is equal in my opinion.
Interesting this is the only mention of your Dad. he must have been aware of how she treated you growing up. Did he never pull her up on things?

I would definitely be distancing myself from her. Have you talked to your sister about how you feel? Or your brothers for that matter.

Your mother sounds absolutely toxic.

It’s your job to protect your DC from this kind of behaviour. I would go very very low contact, do it slowly if you must, but have a plan in place. Or just go NC.

Far better to do it now rather than when DC are older and she has her own communication channels with them.

I suspect you will feel like a weight has been lifted once you distance yourself from her. Whatever you try to convince yourself, she is NOT a good grandparent.

Those aren't small things Op, and they really are awful. Put together they amount to quite appalling treatment of you during your childhood.

'I'd obviously like her to have nice gifts/lunches/experiences/etc but I do feel I shouldn't have the full burden of organising and cost'.

It is not clear from your posts why you should care about her good times and no you shouldn't have the burden of this. Let her favourites organise and pay for it next time. Frankly some people have cut their parents off for a lot less than the treatment you have received - of course it is up to you what to do but I think you should prioritise yourself and your DCs now, you owe your 'D'M nothing.

The examples you give in your subsequent update are horrendous OP.
Taken together, it's clear that the pattern of exclusion & denigration you experienced while growing up have had a huge impact on your confidence, & left you in thrall to your mother.

This stood out to me though -
i.e. I can't say how she favours my brothers without dropping DSis in it etc
It's not true.
You can say anything you want to to your mother, without reference to your sister.
You could tell her the truth, you could list childhood examples, you could call her out in the moment ... but the fact is, even if you screwed up your courage & did so - she would not accept it. You've already said she'd kick off if challenged. So you are looking for a solution that does not exist, & the only way you will find 'closure' (spoiler - it doesn't really exist, in that "at last they've seen the light" movie-perfect way) is within yourself.

Your sister obviously challenges your mother, & maybe that works for her.
You have chosen - although I would be more inclined to say "been groomed into" a path of appeasement, hoping to forestall your mother's wrath, & probably hoping to finally win approval or affection from her.

But no matter how many nice birthdays or Mothers Day events you arrange for her - she will always favour the boys, take your for granted, & put you down.
So you need to have a long think about WHY you go out of your way for her, WHY you tiptoe on eggshells. WHY you fell you can never just blurt out "Oh FFS mother give your sexist old head a shake & stop fawning on the boys & putting the girls down".

This obviously goes deep with you, but for you it's 'normal' & so engrained that you possibly don't see your own role very clearly,. You have been cast as the Good Girl who will take mother's shit. The Patient Girl who can be unappreciated, but who will keep coming back for more. NONE OF THIS IS A CRITICISM OF YOU. You are stuck in a groove of tactics that kept you safe from major explosions or a refusal to even hear you as a child, & it's hard to see it when you are as enmeshed int he dynamic as you inevitably are. So I would recommend you find a counsellor who is experienced in toxic family dynamics, who can help you unravel your own feelings & responses, & come up with a healthier set of coping mechanisms.

For now - when you have some time, & can reward yourself with a small treat or distraction afterwards - put half an hour aside & imagine what it would feel like if you finally snapped & said something outrageous to your mother, like "fuck off with your favouritism you ungrateful bitch, I am done running around after you & paying for you to have nice events when you treated me to badly as a kid & can't even acknowledge how much I do for you now".
That probably isn't your style, but just sit with the thought, or something similar, & see what comes up.
Then take it to a counsellor.
Find one who is experienced in toxic family dynamics.
You have had decades of conditioning to accept second (3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th!) best, & it's going to take more than a forum post to sort out how to develop a strategy that best protects you from your mother's appalling attitude.

You don't owe her anything OP.
You have a perfect stranger's permission to drop the rope! So here's another mental exercise - what would happen if you didn't bother organising the next Social Thing for her, like Mothers Day or easter? How would that feel, what would transpire, what would you rather be doing instead?

Finally - stop believing that your DC need a relationship with the nasty old trout. You'd be denying them nothing but an undeserved sense of entitlement for the boy, (or, if he's emotionally attuned, dismay for his sister & cousin) & unfairness & similar feelings that you had to endure for your girl. Neither of them need that in their lives. I'm not suggesting NC - just slowly reduce the time they spend with grandma, & any influence she has over them.

outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro
Have a browse round this site - you'll recognise your DM in it - a tremendous source of support & understanding.

You have been underreacting to this for years. She is clearly a cow of the highest order.

You need to read Toxic Families by Susan Forward pronto.

Drop the rope OP. Start with Mothering Sunday - sounds like she does not deserve your attention and kindness.