How would you handle GP favouritism?

[GPFavo]

NC'd.

I have 2 DCs, DS and DD. My parents have 4 GCs in total: DS is the eldest GC, DD is the 3rd. DSis's DS is the 2nd and DBro's DD is the 4th. My DM massively favours boys over girls - always has and always will. Both my DBro's moved abroad and my DSis and DM butt heads regularly (no hostility, just difference of opinions and values - no one is right or wrong, just different) - so, I see my DM most often. It also falls to me to sort Mother's Day, DM's birthday, Christmas, Easter etc - I'd obviously like her to have nice gifts/lunches/experiences/etc but I do feel I shouldn't have the full burden of organising and cost.

DS adores DM and she doted on him. When it was just DS and DN1, DM treated them equally and loved them both and it was fine. Then, when DD came along, I felt very anxious about DM favouring the boys. There were a few teething issues with DM. With DN2 also being a girl, I thought DM would treat them equally but I think because she's DBro's DD and DM favours DBro over me/DSis, DN is very firmly the favourite and it's very clear.

How would you navigate this? I love DM but her biggest flaw is that she does have an explosive temper in response to criticism or perceived criticism so I don't want to kick anything off.

Lol, no way am I parsing that acronym nightmare.

Having just read what your life was like op
I can’t believe you have anything to do with her at all .
did the relatives not demand you had access to the computer?
that’s all just awful ..
why are u letting her near your kids

Fuck her off x

Yeah, the men in my family are definitely bestowed with King status. Dad, BIL & nephew. But not my DH & son. Very strange. My granny did it as well with my uncles.

Give her a card for Mothering Sunday and nothing else. If she asks why, explain to her in very clear terms the examples of her favouritism towards your brother that you've given in your update. Stop the pretence, disengage with any dramatic that follow.

You need to protect your children from her nasty attitudes, but you need to start protecting yourself too!

Unfortunately when you do stand up to her she is going to kick off. But there's no avoiding it unless you're prepared to let her continue to treat you and your children so horribly. Please try and remember she is just one person. No more important than you. Her wants do not count for more than yours. Her happiness is not more important than yours. You would never treat her the way she treats you and your children and she would never accept it from you. So please please stop accepting it from her.

You might consider some therapy OP. This is fairly deep and hard stuff to deal with.

😂🤣

Sounds familiar to my DM, the favoritism I endured as a child. She again showed it in a big way a few months ago and she has not seen DS ever since. When she asked about him, I pointed out that apparently me & my family are not as
important to her as DS and of course her ego was most important so she never replied to that message and didn’t call or text for weeks afterwards.

It’s been nearly 5 months after that and she hasn’t asked about him ever since. He is her only grandchild. I suggest you do the same. Go LC and see from there. The painful reality might just be the same as in my case: that she just doesn’t care. That really stings but it does give you closure.

• apparently not as important to her as Dsis

Your mother sounds like an absolute cow with an 'explosive temper'. Sorry!
Why do you feel that you need to arrange her birthdays/ Mother's Day, etc when she has emotionally abused you as a child and has now started the same favouritism, etc with the next generation?
It may be that you need therapy to help you to deal with this.
My advice would be to pull back a lot to protect yourself and your children.

I would be scaling down my visits right down. If she asks why tell her. She cannot be allowed to visit this toxic behaviour on your children. It has already damaged you and will damage them too, in time. Vile woman.

Your mother (like mine) is a disgrace as a mother.
Your mother (like mine) has brainwashed you into believing her treatment of you is acceptable.
Your mother (like mine) has treated you less than her son(s).
This is completely toxic and dysfunctional.

Now it's moved on to the next generation. In my dysfunctional family, the golden child son didn't have any offspring, but if he had, they would have been perfect in her eyes whereas mine were ignored except to criticise them, and now in old age she is pissed off that she has no relationship with them and blamed me for it - told me if I was a proper mother she would have a better relationship with the grandchildren she invested no effort into.

Please take on board what people here are saying, this is very serious. You are, and have always, been abused by your mother whilst your father stood by and watched. Unfortunately for me it was only recently that I started to understand how bad she was all my life, a lot of therapy has helped. I hope you can start to realise the truth of your mother's behaviour soon, I am so sad about the further damage that was done by trying to keep mine in my life, I didn't realise how much I needed to protect my children and myself from her..

Having to walk on eggshells around someone because they have an explosive temper is a huge red flag. Your mother has trained you to stay in line for fear of her wrath. This is not how healthy relationships work.

You have had a couple of good recommendations on how to educate yourself more, I would also highly recommend the Insight podcasts by psychotherapists Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna, pick any of them and I believe you'll identify with a lot of things. podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/in-sight-exposing-narcissism/id1613030538

OP, one of the saddest things about your post is that you seemed to be sort of okay with the idea of your DD being treated as lesser than your DS, until it became clear that she would also be ranked below your niece. It should absolutely not be ok! I know it seems sad to interrupt your mum's nice relationship with your DS, but unfortunately it seems she's left you with no choice.

Dhs mother is like this. Very very clearly favours his sisters children. My niece and my daughter are the same age. One year for Xmas she gave my niece a beautiful music box, and dd got pajamas same as the other kids (they are the only child granddaughters - other granddaughters are adults). Mil when niece was opening the gift said ‘ I saw that and thought it was just the most perfect thing for a beautiful girl to have in her room’. In front my of my dd and me. And then shooed dd away when she was trying to look at it ‘no that’s for niece don’t touch it’

I have an uncle too, who at my nephews bday when my sister thanked him for coming said ‘of course I wouldn’t miss it, he is my favourite nephew’. His only other nephews are my ds one of who was standing right there and heard.

we just avoid them. I see them at Xmas when I have to but apart from that I don’t put my kids into situations where they feel like 2nd class citizens. I also don’t hide anything from them either. We have discussed things and why people behave the way they do. I don’t make excuses for family when they do crap things. We spend time with family who treat everyone the same.

One DBro and I are very close in age so it's quite easy to see from our childhood. For example, one Christmas, we got a shared computer from relatives who all clubbed together - DM set it up in my DBro's bedroom and I could only use it with his permission. We were 13/14 at the time so he obviously never gave me permission so I never got to use it. For his 18th birthday, he had a big party - mine had no celebration at all. We both played an instrument at school and then DBro quit. A few years later DM said she couldn't afford my lessons anymore and I had to stop. DBro then wanted to play a different instrument so, the next term, she began paying for those. His driving lessons were paid for and mine weren't. He got taken out for a celebratory meal for his GCSE results day and (even though I got better grades) I got told I hadn't worked hard enough. DBro had a savings account and I never did. He went on school trips that I was told we couldn't afford. DH and I didn't even get a wedding present. Even when I was in labour with DD, and DBro was flying in (coincidental timing), she asked DH to leave the hospital to meet DBro because she wanted as much family as possible to greet him (he refused). She also wouldn't come to see DD when she was born and expected us to go to her. She also says things like "DBro was always the most intelligent child" or "DBro is so good at X, Y, Z"... So, nothing huge. Nothing like leaving him everything in her will or anything awful, just small things, constantly.

I have no idea why you bother with her. Pull right back. Give her the same effort she gives you. Buy her a birthday present if you want - let your siblings sort out their own. If she clearly favours your son over your daughter then woman up and say to her that you have no intention of your children feeling like you did in childhood so she either behaves like a decent person or you won't be spending much time with her.

You can't change people but you can certainly change how you react to the .