To think this is slightly batshit?

[Nosulk]

My SIL, who I happen to be good friends with, has just messaged me asking me to only message her with one thing at a time. She has asked me not to introduce different conversational topics when we text as it overwhelms her and she can’t keep up. It was phrased a bit like a work appraisal “could you try and trim it down please as it overwhelms me and then I struggle to reply, thanks”.

For context, the messages in question were all responses to her day, eg maybe 5 different messages asking how she’d been, asking after her DC and commenting on how intense her schedule was. These were literally responses back to her messages to me!

i said I would try but that it would be a struggle to monitor my comms and the response was “I will chat to you in person about it as it’s not just above messages, it’s been going on a little while now. Maybe let’s pause here until we find a solution”

why do I feel like I’ve been told off by my boss?

Hopefully she’s going to tell you in person that she’s just trying to manage symptoms she’s finding tricky; that it’s not you it’s her.

But yeah, I’d be a bit weirded out/borderline offended by that message!

Were your 5 messages in response to 5 different things she’d asked you?

If so, how did she expect you to reply? Only pick one thing you’re going to reply to?

I think YABU, she clearly struggles with reading and replying to lots of messages as many people do. I don’t personally but when I was with ex he would either not reply or phone me as he said it was overwhelming to have too much to think about responding to.

I get the sentiment but I feel like the tone was off

Not everyone wants or enjoys in depth texting. I have a friend who specifically told me she does not engage with texting convos and she prefers f2f. So we text but only to arrange to meet. Sometimes she sends a voice note with her news, but I hate voice notes with a passion so just send some emojis back and we chat it over at our next meet up!

At first I was a bit miffed but then I had respect for her setting her boundaries out. Definitely inspired me to look at my own boundaries and preferences and own my life a bit more.

So SIL sounds reasonable, she has told you in black and white what the problem is and what the solution is. You can respect her boundary and either continue the friendship, or not. But to trample her boundary would be rude and not being a good friend.

she is trying to tell you that you are overwhelming her and she cant cope with it

I have respected her boundary - just said there is not an obligation to reply but equally I will try. Have said I may slip up so probably best we leave our comms for f2f now - I just don’t know how to do it!!

This either she has a lot on and is feeling stressed and or your messages are too long winded, too much info and too frequent.

It does come across as a bit rude but you need to reign it in a bit and respect her wishes.

Err just don’t text her? @Nosulk

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 have said I will do this!

Well, only you know her & the 'tone'.

but with regard to the actual issue. I kind of get it both ways! I have one friend who only replies to one part of a message, so I space my messages - only asking one question per message. Although if she mentions several things I'll reply to all bits of it.

but I have another friend who is war & peace & I do find it a bit overwhelming. I try not to reply ear & peace style as then he's overwhelmed.

the first person I try to call or see in person when I can.

the second lives too far away & HATES talking on the phone or FaceTime, so we just bumble in best we can!!

getting the right communication with each friend takes awareness, but if they can define their needs it does naje it easier, so try to take the facts of this without getting offended.

@Nosulk Then problem solved for both of you. Leave it up to her to text from here on.

I would answer one text later in the day, I am sure you will then get 'why are you not contacting me enough', with everything in one

I don't get her but no I would not be offended, that word get too much use

Personally, I'd send her nothing but emojis from now on.

👋
🧒👶?
👍
💕

Etc

I prefer in person as I can chat better, but via eg facebook it let's you reply to specific points in the convo

I get this. It really irritates me when you text someone something and they can’t succinctly reply efficiently. Instead send 5 messages back setting your phone off like it’s a cheap vibrator from a service station toilet running out of battery and interrupting the flow of whatever you are doing. Just send one message with a clear accurate reply.

I get overwhelmed nowadays due to menopause memory loss. I find that I can get flustered a bit when someone puts me on the spot or bombards me with questions. HRT hasn't helped me at all. I'm much better on a one to one basis. I used to love socialising with friends. Nowadays I see people on a one to one basis as much as I can

Well she could have just decided to start ignoring all your messages, so it's good that she tried to explain to you, even if she didn't manage to phrase it how you would have liked

Yeah I'd feel a bit weird about someone feeling they got to control how I communicate with them. It feels bossy. It also feels like she's thinking a lot about herself and her needs and not making you feel bad.

As she seems to think it's ok to say what she wants I'd be be tempted to come back at her and say her message tone was rude. I don't know if I'm a dick but I cba with this type of stuff. I'm massively pro adaptations and access but this feels very self involved.

If you generally get on well I think you should assume she means as well towards you as usual. Tone is really hard to read in written communication because we don’t have all the non-verbal cues that we can use in conversation and emojis only go so far.

I get where she’s coming from because I can find multiple messages or topics at once overwhelming. It sounds like she is worried that her natural response to that is disengaging, and she doesn’t want to risk offending you if that happens.

Talk it through with her face to face, where you can communicate clearly with each other, and I bet you’ll find a solution. Maybe you do paragraphs instead of separate messages, or maybe you agree not to be offended if she doesn’t reply for a couple of hours when it’s just chit chat, or maybe she sends you back a voice message instead of a text. There’ll be something that will work.

No, sorry, it's batshit crazy of her!

I'm going to be charitable & assume she's struggling with something (perimenopause?) because that is incredibly annoying, rude & crackers of her.

If it's the case that she's overwhelmed and reading the message is too much, then she waits until she's got a bit of time, then reads & responds at her leisure.

I honestly would be 'wtf' back to her.

Love this!

(Or should I say: ❤️)

Could she have any neurodiversity diagnosis?

I've really WANTED to send the SIL message to some of my friends but felt I didn't have a good enough relationship with them to do it.

She's obviously just really stressed or having mental health stuff going on. Don't take it personally, it's almost definitely not you

YANBU. She sounds a bit bonkers. I mean... if she sends you one message and then you keep pinging her loads of messages in response to her one original message, with no further mesages from her, and if that's a regular thing, then I guess that could be a bit irritating. Not irritating enough for her to be so weird about it though.