To think this is slightly batshit?

[Nosulk]

My SIL, who I happen to be good friends with, has just messaged me asking me to only message her with one thing at a time. She has asked me not to introduce different conversational topics when we text as it overwhelms her and she can’t keep up. It was phrased a bit like a work appraisal “could you try and trim it down please as it overwhelms me and then I struggle to reply, thanks”.

For context, the messages in question were all responses to her day, eg maybe 5 different messages asking how she’d been, asking after her DC and commenting on how intense her schedule was. These were literally responses back to her messages to me!

i said I would try but that it would be a struggle to monitor my comms and the response was “I will chat to you in person about it as it’s not just above messages, it’s been going on a little while now. Maybe let’s pause here until we find a solution”

why do I feel like I’ve been told off by my boss?

I think yabu, she probably worried about how to say it. Try to be nice about it unless she's generally a twat.

It sounds a bit ike you bombard her and she feels obliged to try to reply.

Are you sending 5 messages back to her 1 paragraph, instead of 1 message back answering everything in one message. If I get 5 messages with one sentence each instead of 1 normal message with all info for that reply, it puts me on edge with it keep buzzing, dinging and screen lighting up and watching them type.

Omg! Why so much intolerance 🤣

I think it's batshit. She's an adult and should take responsibility for using her phones mute or off button or ignore messages until she's free to deal with them. Unless you bully her with follow up texts about why she hasn't replied then it's not up to you to manage her sense of text tyranny.

She may have legitimate reasons for feeling overwhelmed but she could start to address that by ignoring messages she simply doesn't have the time or mental energy for.

Feeling obliged to reply is not the same as someone making you feel obligated.

@FireandBrimstone
I agree...she may have neurodiversity issue but not enough to be diagnosed even.
I also struggle with this sort of thing and it leaves me feeling depleted and then I just give up and don't respond at all. I get it. OP - YANBU but neither is she. Is would respect her boundaries.

Op. It's clearly her issue. And seemingly lots of other people's too!

Those of you feeling overwhelmed... Maybe just don't reply until you all feel up to it?! I really don't understand this issue. Reply or don't. It's not obligatory 🤷🏻‍♀️

This!

How is she normally when you socialise in person? I find some people just come across rude over text, but if we voice note or face
To face they're absolutely normal

I would just not bother to text her anymore

Problem solved

Are you the friend?!

She sounds like hard work. I’d use it as an excuse to stop texting her but I’m not a big texter anyway. The “Maybe let’s pause here until we find a solution” part is rude in this context and yes, sounds like a boss reprimanding an employee. Personally I’d be demoting her from friend and SIL to just SIL. I’m also assuming that you’re not spamming her with texts all the time though.

It sounds like therapy speak tbh, I think definitely she may be struggling with a neurodiversity. I wouldn't be offended by the fact she's told you though - she obviously wants to maintain your relationship or she would just stop replying, she's telling you the way you're communicating overwhelms her because she doesn't want to just stop speaking to you. Personally I think that is quite a vulnerable thing to tell someone and while I understand it might look rude I think it is more a sign of trust that she can say that to you and feel secure that it won't impair your relationship i.e. you'll think badly of her for saying it.

Are you replying in separate messages? I have a friend who does this and it's irritating.

Eg me - yes I'm free on Friday, I don't mind dinner and drinks or just drinks entirely up to you.
Her let's go to the Italian place
Her oh or the Thai
Her or there's that new sushi restaurant
Her 🍣🍣
Her cocktails after? 🍸
Her or maybe let's just eat at home and meet at that new bar on X street.

All messages would be a fraction of a second after each other.
I don't even mind the indecision if she'd put it all in one message, but she's just made my phone light up/vibrate 6 times in under a minute.

It’s not the separate messages that is the issue, it is the different topics. Eg asking about the different restaurants to use your example @JennyDarlingRIP. it seems ridiculous. What am I supposed to say

This is very odd. Try and get to the bottom of it!

That's just do weird to me, it's not something you'd message to a friend, I actually don't get it. It's not friendly at all.

Is it your brother's wife? What does he say? Or your husband's sister, what does he say? I'd be mentioning something to them for sure.

Or maybe she's doing the mature thing and addressing it? Communicating her boundaries? I totally get this. I get overwhelmed by things and to have a flood of messages and questions would do my head in. Not everyone wants to chat all the time.

@Nosulk I don't know too be honest, speak in person see where she's actually coming from. I have a staff member who has asked I email her separately about different things, so I can't email about task A and then put on the end of it 'and don't forget the deadline for task B is now Thursday not Friday'. However she has an ASD diagnosis and this was something she requested when I took over her line management and thought it might be a good idea to talk about preferred communication styles before any confusion occurred.

Just take what she says at face value. Why's that an issue. She says it overwhelms her. She's saying she is struggling. You're then taking it personally.

This is a family member who is a good friend - your words - why not support? And why on earth would you struggle to limit questions one at a time.

So take the feedback. She struggles. It feels too intense. She's telling you direct, that it's her issue. She can't keep up. You've decided to get offended and worse gone 'I don't know if I can manage that....'

You could have gone- 'of course, I didn't realise you were struggling like that. Sure thing.'

Why are you making it about you?

@Jollyhoho because Im not sure I understand what I am doing wrong and therefore how to rectify it!!!!!

Not read the whole thread as I’m quite sleepy.
however, I’ve had a conversation only yesterday with my son’s fiancée on the same subject.
I told her that I wasn’t moaning, but that is hardly heard from my son, that I understood he was busy with work and of course their upcoming wedding.
she said tho it was more to do with him feeling overwhelmed with more than two or three subjects per message, and tends to clam up.
she says he is the same with her, and she’s learned to keep it short, and to have a voice to voice if there’s so much she wants to discuss with him.
my son is also dyslexic, so there might be a connection there.
my other half is also dyslexic, and audibly sighs if he sees what he regards as too much text in one shot.
its hard on me, coz I’m descriptive when it comes to writing, and I enjoy it as it comes “second nature”.
I do find it difficult to understand that others can’t deal with any other than short texts.
try not to give up on her, I’m hoping she’s not trying to be hurtful.
I should understand tho, coz when I suffer from migraine, I don’t even want to look at my phone, let alone think of a satisfying reply!!!

Wow, I'm surprised so many people say it's fine she's addressed it. I think it's rude and patronising as hell, I'd be really upset.

I think she's actually been honest, which is a good thing.
Too many people are scared to say what they really think and perhaps they are right because they know they will get an offended response.
But I think it is a mark of respect to you that she assumes you can take it and is able to say this to you.
You can be honest in your turn and tell her it was a bit much, you are not quite sure what she means but you will try to do your best. When you next meet you can talk face to face as written messages can be liable to misinterpretation in terms of tone.
I think this is relatively positive. Imagine if she'd said nothing but got progressively annoyed and if you'd felt that but not known why. Also gives you the chance to explain to her why you give full feedback (which I think is nice actually) and why it is a sign of support rather than an attempt to overwhelm you. The pair of you have got further than I ever have !

This actually a great idea. Not offish, not ignoring, no pressure for her to reply

But you literally explained it to us!!!!!! What do you mean you don't understand?

Plus - again - you are making it about you. "I don't know what I am doing wrong". Just stop.

It's, "my SIL struggles when I introduce different conversational topics and fire off multiple questions." You haven't done anything wrong. She just struggles. She is telling you she struggles, and that it overwhelms her.

What's hard to understand the concept of asking one question at a time, and waiting for that question to be answered before asking the next one when a good friend / family member asks you to do that because they struggle to keep up.

But whatever be offended, fall out with her, slag her off on the internet and refuse to message her as petty pay back......cool.....