To think this is slightly batshit?

[Nosulk]

My SIL, who I happen to be good friends with, has just messaged me asking me to only message her with one thing at a time. She has asked me not to introduce different conversational topics when we text as it overwhelms her and she can’t keep up. It was phrased a bit like a work appraisal “could you try and trim it down please as it overwhelms me and then I struggle to reply, thanks”.

For context, the messages in question were all responses to her day, eg maybe 5 different messages asking how she’d been, asking after her DC and commenting on how intense her schedule was. These were literally responses back to her messages to me!

i said I would try but that it would be a struggle to monitor my comms and the response was “I will chat to you in person about it as it’s not just above messages, it’s been going on a little while now. Maybe let’s pause here until we find a solution”

why do I feel like I’ve been told off by my boss?

Are you quite wordy in your messages?

I have friends who can respond to detailed messages with 1 or 2 lines and others who send me veritable essays which I need to get a drink to sit down and digest lol They could respond with much shorter messages, but it's not their style.

Yeah I'd feel a bit weird about someone feeling they got to control how I communicate with them. It feels bossy. It also feels like she's thinking a lot about herself and her needs and not making you feel bad.

^^This. Her message to you makes her sound fussy, bossy and rude. Overly particular people are hard work.

I'd reply that is sounds like a good idea to stick with in person communication, and then I'd knock texting on the head.

I think she was rude, and was speaking to you in an inappropriately directive way, like she is your boss.

I think there's a line between being understanding about personal difficulties, including neurodisability difficulties, and an attempt to make something you are finding difficult into someone else's problem to manage. It isn't reasonable to expect to carefully curate your text messages around unclear guidelines.

But if sent in 4 separate texts is bloody annoying.

It’s ironic she’s messaged you to say this when actually speaking to you face to face would’ve been better.
I’d be interested in an example of the texts you send, it is crazy and controlling unless your texts are batshit!
When you talk face to face maybe say “that’s my texting style, if it’s too much just don’t reply, but I’ll try and make it much more simple for you when I can.”

What's hard to understand the concept of asking one question at a time, and waiting for that question to be answered before asking the next one when a good friend / family member asks you to do that because they struggle to keep up.

Nothing hard to understand as such, but assuming I'm understanding the OP's various explanations right, she thinks the problem is that SIL would feel overwhelmed by a text that goes something like:

"Hi, wanted to check that you're okay with Jude's suggestion of Pizzatastic for the meal on Friday, and wondering what time you want to meet there? Oh, and don't forget to bring the surprise for Mia! Can't wait to see her face. BTW I've still got your grey hat, do you want me to bring it?"

Okay, it overwhelms her and makes her struggle, so she's asked for a change. But the changes she might be happy with, like individual questions and waiting for answers before proceeding, impose a mental burden on the other person, which may overwhelm them and make them struggle.

She can no longer just type out the message chattily and add each question that needs to be added as she thinks of it, or when she's reminded of it by whatever she's just typed, then edit and send. Each question is sent alone, and she has to hold all the additional questions in mind until an answer comes and it's acceptable to move to the next item, without forgetting any of the things she needed to ask, for an indeterminate length of time, which is harder when you're not chaining them together associatively. Or she could make notes in a separate app, which frankly would be a weird level of effort to have to put in.

It's also just a hard thing to do in general, to consistently alter the communication style you've developed for a given type of interaction. You're going against the grain of your natural tendencies and years of habit — it can be taxing to always remember and apply the new style.

Her tone was off. When it happens to me I just say "ill tell you properly when I see you". Its not difficult.

She's made out its your problem with an undertone of "you're annoying" when really it's hers, the same problem I have so I do sympathise with her but really

In a small way, I think I can understand what your SIL is saying. I'm part of lots of WhatsApp groups (different family/friends groups etc) and sometimes I can leave my phone for an hour and come back to 100 messages. It's silly because it's my choice to be in these groups but it still feels a bit overwhelming.

Is your SIL struggling with her MH or maybe has a processing problem? It wasn't very nice of her to 'tell you off' but I think have a f2f with her and try and iron it out.

She's probably just crap at texting. I feel totally overwhelmed with texting, so many bloody apps to keep up with. I end up slipping up and giving up most of the time, with no explanation. At least she's explaining it.

🤣

Messages have no tone, so you have added that. Sounds like she had ADHD or suffering from overwhelm and is pleading for help to me.

Good on her for being honest with you.

On the face of it, her message is ok and understandable. Your required action here is to send brief single-topic messages from here on.

The real teller will be if she then gets cross with you for being too brief/weird in those messages. If she does, then she is being an arse and treating you rudely. If she doesn't, then she is being genuine and honest. I hope for your sake it is the latter!

Honestly, I wish more people would communicate like your sister. She stated her needs to you directly and explained why. No ambiguity, hinting or the other daft games people play, wishing people would do something differently but not asking them to. There's nothing to take offence at there. She hasn't criticised your messaging, just said it doesn't work for her. I assume by her follow up she may be going to tell you more, possibly about her state of mind at the moment.

This is me. Or it could be. I have ADHD and I'm autistic. I get overwhelmed.

Thankfully my sibling is nicer than to start a thread about how batshit I am on mumsnet.

She’s said texting is difficult for her and would prefer to chat to you about it in person. “Tone” is very subjective over messages as well - just meet and chat to her face to face as she suggests, presumably you like each other?

How: keep your texts to a single sentence with a single verb in it & no more than one connecting word (like and, or, but).

Don't send more than one text an hour.

Not sure what's with your SIL, but (unless you show us the texts to evidence otherwise) sounds like she made a polite if probably for her, awkward request.

I wouldn’t bother messaging her at all.

It's not you. It's her. She is obviously struggling and finds replying overwhelming as she probably hasn't got the headspace for it. She has probably been told by a therapist/colleague/confidant to set boundaries and this is the result- a borderline offensive message with a flustered/arsey undertone. These conversations should be had away from messaging as they just come across as rude.

Of course they can have tone. It doesn't work the same way as spoken language, relying more on the types of words you choose, sentence length and structure, punctuation, and other things you can get into text somehow, and it often helps avoid ambiguity if you use emojis or other supports to help, but written messages can have tone.

I could reply to your post with:

"Oh you think so, do you? Uh-huh, so you're some kind of ADHD 'expert', right?"
or
"Ah, so she might have ADHD? Can you tell me, is this an area you could give me more information on?"
or
"You're saying it sounds like ADHD?! Omg you must know a massive amount about it, tell me more!"

which have really different tones that should be relatively unambiguous (though still with some ambiguity as they're very short responses, and I don't have the advantage of knowing you personally, which always helps).

Just don't respond. When she complains, tell her you've solved her problem of being overwhelmed and she can't have it both ways.

Job done.

Sounds like she's telling you to stop texting so much. In a rather wordy manner, ironically.

I would have been quite stung by the tone of that message and would probably dial back contact with her for a while. There are ways to express personal boundaries and preferences without sounding so imperious and arsey.

So your messages were just responses to her own enquiries? And then she said you were overwhelming her?

Yeah, I’d just stop bothering with any texts. She’ll probably moan you’re ignoring her next.

When I was experiencing burn out I could have (and tbh probably should have) written SIL's message. I was past my limit and even messages from friends became another thing I had to deal with and completely overwhelming. Just give her space. She sounds like she is at the end of her rope.