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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member comes to see us but then is always on the phone. It annoys me so much and is so rude!

68 replies

Douse · 23/02/2023 18:07

I have a family member who doesnt work has no commitments to her time, has no husband/partner or children, who lives alone and has all the time in the world to speak to whoever she likes to.

But yet whenever she comes to visit us for dinner or a few hours which is already really difficult to plan because of our commitments. She's always got someone ringing her and she doesn't think twice about saying "oh can I call you back" nope she awnsers the phones and will be on it for ages and then will have the audacity to moan she can't hear the person because of the background noise thats going on in my busy home, children husband and dogs.

It pisses me off so much!!! Shes due to come over in a few days and she's messaged me to arrange times and said oh ...(person)..... will be ringing me whilst I'm at yours. Hope thats OK.

Why!!!! Why can't she speak to whoever it is in her own time. I find it incredibly rude your hear to see us not be on your phone.Arghhhhhh

OP posts:
IsItMeOrEveryoneElse · 23/02/2023 18:41

YANBU.. take the opportunity to tell her how you feel seeing as she has asked

CuteCillian · 23/02/2023 18:42

Just answer with a breezy "No prob, let's reschedule as you have a call at that time x"

Original poster
Douse · 23/02/2023 18:58

IsItMeOrEveryoneElse · 23/02/2023 18:41

YANBU.. take the opportunity to tell her how you feel seeing as she has asked

I wish I could but she's that type of person who's says that but then doesn't want to be confronted about your opinions.
She will fight and fight and doesn't back down. She always has to be one in the right . Were wondering if she plans this so it looks like she's busy and has a life for her friends to see

OP posts:
IsItMeOrEveryoneElse · 23/02/2023 19:05

Yes, you could be right. It doesnt sound like she has a lot going on in her life, whereas you have so maybe she feels the need to make it seem that she has to others.
You havent got to turn it into an issue, you are allowed an opinion. Just tell it like it is. If she kicks off then shut it down

watchingpullimgepisode6 · 23/02/2023 19:07

Maybe politely suggest she rearranges get visit when she's less busy.

Bivarb · 23/02/2023 19:08

What do you do when she's on her phone?
I'd do something passive aggressive like stop talking and just stare at her or ask am I boring you? If she's talking on the phone turn up your music or TV.

Message her back pretending to misunderstand. "No problem, we can reschedule when you're free. Wouldn't want you to feel your attention was divided and we can have a proper catch-up next time".

If it keeps on happening, maybe cut back on seeing her so much. It doesn't sound like you get much out of these visits anyway

LakeTiticaca · 23/02/2023 19:24

Jut stop inviting her. Problem.solved

UserNameSameGame · 23/02/2023 19:31

Initially I was thinking YANBU but

  • I presume it’s a longish visit because it is planned in advance. Surely it’s reasonable to answer a call if you are visiting for a day. Different if it just eg lunch
  • this is a call that is scheduled in - is it work, or a similar commitment?
  • in general you seem to think she should be fitting around your busy schedule because your life is so busy. Single, childless people have lives too, and maybe you also need to fit around her commitments. A bit of give and take?
Original poster
Douse · 24/02/2023 07:41

UserNameSameGame · 23/02/2023 19:31

Initially I was thinking YANBU but

  • I presume it’s a longish visit because it is planned in advance. Surely it’s reasonable to answer a call if you are visiting for a day. Different if it just eg lunch
  • this is a call that is scheduled in - is it work, or a similar commitment?
  • in general you seem to think she should be fitting around your busy schedule because your life is so busy. Single, childless people have lives too, and maybe you also need to fit around her commitments. A bit of give and take?

Its literally a few hours and potentially some food she will come for. She only lives 10 mins away so its not even like hours of driving

Its not work commitments nor anything similar or important its always just a friend ringing for a chat. And if thats not it then it'll be a scam call she awnsers and will have a conversation with them.

I agree there is a life but that consists of socialisation groups at various time of the day I don't see that as big commitments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Douse · 24/02/2023 07:43

LakeTiticaca · 23/02/2023 19:24

Jut stop inviting her. Problem.solved

I have tried to separate away a bit but its difficult because of what type of family member she is and the relationship she holds in the family to others. Who by the way also get really annoyed by the problem

OP posts:
Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 24/02/2023 07:45

Who is she, a neice, your mother, your grandmother, a step daughter? This is important as her age will help responses.

LindorDoubleChoc · 24/02/2023 07:49

Weird that she knows in advance someone will be ringing her at that time 🤔.

StopFeckingFaffing · 24/02/2023 07:54

YANBU, this annoys me so much

I understand that sometimes phone calls are important and can't be ignored but 2 of my best friends are dreadful for doing this. I'll meet them in a cafe for a 1 hour catch up and they can easily spend half that time on the phone. Both seem incapable of ignoring their phone ringing regardless of who it is and whether it is urgent.

I find it incredibly rude but hard to address without upsetting them

follyfoot37 · 24/02/2023 07:56

I would make sure the kids were extra noisy, that I was vacuuming and that the tv was on very loudly every time she took a call. If she moans, tell her you were just getting on with family life as she appears to have removed herself as a guest

BeExcellent2EachOther · 24/02/2023 07:57

Just say "it's daft for you to come over when you're going to be conversing with someone else, let's rearrange to a time when you can actually be present with us."

She's asked for your opinion on the situation, so give it.

Led9519 · 24/02/2023 08:00

I’ve said something to my Dad before like ‘you’re like a teenager with that phone… never off it!’ So it wasn’t a direct confrontation but many a truth is told in jest! I think it made him a bit self conscious about it enough to blooming put it down for a while.
Could you say something with a laugh like that?

ouch321 · 24/02/2023 08:02

Douse · 23/02/2023 18:58

I wish I could but she's that type of person who's says that but then doesn't want to be confronted about your opinions.
She will fight and fight and doesn't back down. She always has to be one in the right . Were wondering if she plans this so it looks like she's busy and has a life for her friends to see

Show quote history

"Were wondering if she plans this so it looks like she's busy and has a life".

Wow, bitchy....

LakieLady · 24/02/2023 08:03

I think this is really rude.

I'll answer the phone when out, but if it's someone just wanting a chat, I explain that I'm out and schedule a time to call them back. I've actually distanced myself from a couple of friends because of it (one of them chatted for an hour on the phone when we'd gone out for a meal, wouldn't even stop to order food!).

Harder to do this when it's family though. I wonder if there's a device you can buy that blocks mobile signal ...

Original poster
Douse · 24/02/2023 08:05

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 24/02/2023 07:45

Who is she, a neice, your mother, your grandmother, a step daughter? This is important as her age will help responses.

Shes an aunt and in her 50s

OP posts:
SalviaOfficinalis · 24/02/2023 08:08

My MIL does this and she puts the person on speaker phone too, it’s so annoying.

She is incredibly insecure though and I think her main motivation is wanting the caller to know what a fabulous time she’s having with her family. And she wants us to know how many friends she’s got and how much they need her.

SalviaOfficinalis · 24/02/2023 08:08

Can you suggest she goes in a different room for her call so she’s not disturbed?

LadyHarmby · 24/02/2023 08:08

I feel a bit sorry for her. She’s trying to project that she is busy and has a full life and people want to speak to her. Which probably means the opposite is true. So I would try to overlook it.

WimpoleHat · 24/02/2023 08:10

wondering if she plans this so it looks like she's busy and has a life

That occurred to me - and I didn’t mean it in a bitchy way - because of the way the OP described the situation. From what the OP said, they have a lot going on in their lives, whereas this lady doesn’t. And maybe she feels sad or defensive about that - and the calls are a way of putting a front on it. Because it’s extremely odd to plan a friendly call when you’ve arranged to be somewhere else. Picking up a random one is one thing (although I can see why the OP finds it rude to listen to her chatting to a friend for a long time), but to have effectively arranged it? Very odd. I agree with the “let’s rearrange for when you’re not so
busy” tack. Saves face for the relative and annoyance for the OP.

RampantIvy · 24/02/2023 08:11

and said oh ...(person)..... will be ringing me whilst I'm at yours. Hope thats OK.

At which point I would have said "why don't you arrange for them to call at another time, or perhaps we could rearrange lunch instead?"

And, who arranges a chatty phone call days in advance anyway?

TrinnySmith · 24/02/2023 08:15

Well put a film on/ listen to a podcast loudly, start washing the windows, hoover just get on with the many things you need to do.