Family member comes to see us but then is always on the phone. It annoys me so much and is so rude!

[Douse]

I have a family member who doesnt work has no commitments to her time, has no husband/partner or children, who lives alone and has all the time in the world to speak to whoever she likes to.

But yet whenever she comes to visit us for dinner or a few hours which is already really difficult to plan because of our commitments. She's always got someone ringing her and she doesn't think twice about saying "oh can I call you back" nope she awnsers the phones and will be on it for ages and then will have the audacity to moan she can't hear the person because of the background noise thats going on in my busy home, children husband and dogs.

It pisses me off so much!!! Shes due to come over in a few days and she's messaged me to arrange times and said oh ...(person)..... will be ringing me whilst I'm at yours. Hope thats OK.

Why!!!! Why can't she speak to whoever it is in her own time. I find it incredibly rude your hear to see us not be on your phone.Arghhhhhh

Interesting this is exactly what we're thinking why she does it . Does your mil live alone out of interest

My mum was in a care home, and she'd actively make calls (not take them) when we visited her. I'd have driven for two hours to see her, and within five or ten minutes of my arrival she'd 'just have to call (friend)'. And it wasn't for any reason, just a chat initiated by her.

I then found out that she did it to everyone, and it was a brave friend of hers that eventually told her that they would not visit her any more if she was going to carry on ignoring them in favour of making a call to someone else.

It was clear that she was doing it to show that she had some kind of life. As she had all her marbles, but was stuck in a care home with people very unlike her, I can kind of sympathise. But Jeeze, it was annoying.

If she warns you in advance she’ll be having a phone call, don’t invite her at that time. If she doesn’t warn you and answers the phone at your place, give her a few minutes to speak/listen in case it’s urgent or a quick call, but then carryon with your life noisily.

It’s very rude of her not to curtail these calls by explaining she can’t speak and will call them back later. A friend used to do this too and once came over for coffee, cake and a chat for an hour and spent 95% of that time on the phone. So bloody rude!

It doesn’t matter why she’s doing it really, just don’t let her do it in your house.

Yes, she does live alone.

Just encourage the kids to make loads and loads of noise when her phone rings.
Then suggest she fucks off goes home if she moans that she can't hear.
Don't make your kids quiet for her.
She's the one being really rude.

I'd just leave the room and go elsewhere until she'd finished (and encourage everyone else to if possible). She might cut the calls short if she realises you're not that interested

Just say "Aunty - I don't know if you realise it but we've definitely noticed that whenever you visit us, you spend a lot of time on your phone and not with us. Perhaps next visit, you might pop your phone on silent and get back to your callers when you get home. I'm very sure you wouldn't want to be seen as rude so we'd really appreciate it if the phone could stay in your handbag and on silent when you're visiting us next."
All said with a big smile on your face and a little head tilt at the end.
Then if she takes her phone out the next visit, say quite loudly "Aunty, you agreed to leave your phone in your bag and on silent during this visit. Unless this is an emergency phone call, please can your call wait until you are back in your own home? Thank you".
Keep calling out her rude behaviour.

That made me cringe.

and said oh ...(person)..... will be ringing me whilst I'm at yours. Hope thats OK

'It's obviously not a convenient time, so maybe you'd prefer to stay home and visit us another day'

or

'Well we're looking forward to your company, so can you ask her to call another time?'

This is sad really - no one cares if you are busy with a full social life - only if you are happy - you can be a happy loner!

“I have a family member who doesnt work has no commitments to her time, has no husband/partner or children, who lives alone and has all the time in the world to speak to whoever she likes to.”

She will have commitments to her time, regardless of if she’s single and childfree. Your whole post screams of judgement. Tell her you find it rude by all means but she’s probably taking the calls to escape having to speak to you herself.

She will have commitments to her time, regardless of if she’s single and childfree. Your whole post screams of judgement.

I thought this too.

This is rude and the implied message is that shes the most important person in the room, ie the meal and the visit must just recede and be put on hold while she carries on like the queen of the universe. I would just carry on cooking, eating, serve the meal, carry on the coversation, as if she isnt there. If she checks out of the scene so rudely, you have no obligation to all go on pause waiting politely for her to re-enter the situation. Dont pander to rudeness.

Just ignore her when she arrives and get your phones out and watch TV when she is there

Would you like to take it outside? ...slam!

This would happen precisely once in my house, aunt or not. It is unbelievably rude.

Why do you keep inviting her over?

I would go and go back to her and say - seems your busy with (whoever needs to call) - maybe we can set up another day for you to come over?

Next time you make an appointment, maybe say you hope you actually get time you talk - so directly address it but wrap it up with how much you value the friendship and enjoy catching up. Or if you want to go the passive aggressive route bring along a book or broadsheet and start ostentatiously reading.

Cringe or not @saraclara , the aunt in question is clearly oblivious to how rude she is or she doesn't care how rude she is so why not call her out on it?
The wording I suggested is just that, a suggestion. The OP can talk to her aunt however she feels is suitable.

She's asked you if it's all right. So say something like "No, it never works, you know you always complain our house is too noisy. Let's rearrange for a time when you don't need to take phone calls."

I used to be in a relationship with someone who did that. We lived a long way from each other and he was much older so the relationship consisted of me driving to him 4 hours away, which would have been ok, if it wasn't for the fact that he spent the entire time on the phone. If it wasn't some random friend, it was something about a job (he was actor but mostly didn't work). When he wasn't on the phone he was talking to the people in the table next to us, or some random person on the street, or a neighbour....anyone but me.

The relationship didn't last.

Do you really do a head tilt and tinkly laugh? Because even without the wordiness, that's cringey and just as rude as the relatives behaviour.

So you've a few issues-

Aunt has arranged to come over for lunch. Also she's now told you a friend will be ringing her at same time. She could easily arrange another time for either. Aunt lives 10 mins away. She's regularly rude taking long non emergency phone calls at your house when she's visiting you for couple hours, instead of saying she'll ring them back later when she's not out.

Surely the answer is to tell her why not " Aunt, if you're expecting a phone call at same time, we'll rearrange a time when you don't have a call. It's unhelpful to have you visit to see us, then you instead spend nearly all your time on your mobile having long chats with other people. We'd rather you go home to do that. If you're expecting a call, don't come round at that time. If someone calls you and it's not an emergency and you're in company, it's polite to tell them you'll call them back later"

The post in question didn't refer to a tinkly laugh.