Fussy SIL

[Blueberries7]

Supposed to be going to an event with my husband and in laws, MIl told asked me to book a table since I know the area well. She was pestering me about it 2 months in advance and I know my SIL (33) is a fussy eater so chose somewhere with fairly generic food. Told them where I'd booked, all fine.

Ff 2 weeks before the event SIL asked DH if I could change the place because there's nothing she likes. I specifically chose stuff that I knew she would eat, so was a bit confused. Turns out shes going for a burger the day after so won't want the same thing twice 🙄

I initially told her to book it herself if she's that fussy but am inclined just not to go now. She has form for this and I get irritated that the family just pander to it, especially when I have a faffy 4 year old that doesn't get such generous treatment!

AIBU not to go? It's put a dampener on the whole thing and I was really looking forward to the first choice which I put time into choosing

Agree 100%

Turns out shes going for a burger the day after so won't want the same thing twice

The problem that some fussy eaters don't seem to understand is that, if you're excluding 95% of all food options from your diet, it's in-your-face obvious that you're going to end up eating the same things again and again. How can an adult not realise that?

The only way to have a more varied selection of meals to enjoy is to be willing to eat a more varied selection of foods in the first place! It's you who has made that choice for yourself, not the world conspiring against you!

Does SIL realise/acknowledge that she is a very fussy eater and that this then causes other people to have to change to accommodate her? If it's a place that does 'generic' food, as you say, I'm guessing that it's probably not the most exciting prospect for the rest of you.

Is she really happy for you all to forfeit the chance for a special, exciting restaurant just to enable her to have effectively kids' food that she will eat - and then still to expect you to give in and change again, because although you all aren't allowed an interesting, varied meal choice, she is allowed that (within the confines of her own severe limitations)?

This kind of scenario isn't uncommon when it's parents giving in for the sake of a fussy child; but at 33, she really should accept that she can't make her own bed but then still refuse to lie in it.

There are more than burgers on the menu that OP believes SIL will eat as seen her eating them before, which makes it more likely to be a power play than anything else.

Your view on family is very unrealistic, Gwen.

Gwen how unhelpful.

It sounds like triangulation to me - MIL vs SIL, but they're triangulating their conflict through you as the scapegoat.

Def leave them to it. Maybe a sudden migraine on the day. Send DH and DC and you have a nice bath instead!

'Oh ok, I'll cancel yours and BIL's places and we can meet up after'.

If she’s going to cut out so much food that she eats she will eat the same things over and over again some will be next to each other. Some weeks I pretty much live on spicy rice. I like it so who cares.

Your menu has things which are not burgers that you know she eats. I’d just send a text to the group “Oh that’s a shame. I’ll cancel it. Let me know where you book for us all”

Can she not pick something else from the menu at either event ?
Gawd. I would still go. But if she wants to change something get her to organise it all. Don't run around because she is so inflexible. She can do it.

this is perfect.

huh? How is something “unrealistic” if it is my reality?

and actually the reality of the families of my close friends with whom I know their family dynamics well.

Of course families have issues and problems but my observation was that this scenario would indicate that the problem is quite deep and there’s a fair amount of history

This is what I'm going to do I think. But it's a solid no to organising anything else in future. I don't want to throw my toys out of the pram and miss the main event but am inclined to meet them afterwards instead.

I have not heard anything since I told her to sort it herself. The event afterwards will be very popular and I'd be unsurprised if other restaurants aren't booked up by now. 🤷

Hmm, I get irritated by my MIL who has a very strong personality and basically wants to be in charge, but incase you hadn't noticed this is not uncommon, Mumsnet is full of those kind of threads.

Anyway I see your point but it's not particularly helpful in this situation. What would you like to achieve by arguing that you know my family dynamic better than I do?

Because sometimes looking as an observer simply on what you posted in op… it would indicate that perhaps rather than having a tizz and refusing to attend a family dinner, it might be better to look for a more longer term and broader solution

Perhaps the sil should do this rather than op, who is catering for a young child. Sil should look to broaden her pallet or not get in a tizz about eating the same thing 2 days in a row when her eating habits are so narrow.

Are you just here for an argument?

This sounds like it is more about attention seeking and control then about the food. Because the food is not an issue. There is food she will eat there.

I would message all involved " hi all unfortunately SIL was unhappy with choice of venue, Due to her dietary requirements. She's booking another venue, I'm sure she will inform us of the details shortly "

Hmm, it's tempting to tell them to shove it.

Either let MIL or SIL book stuff from now on, making sure there is something appropriate on the menu for your DC, obvs.

or

Book where you want to go, and then let them strop. Just say, "Well, it's booked. If you don't like it, don't come."

I would love love to do this but since it's basically me and my in-laws they will go where she wants... because they usually do.

I will normally just go with the flow as I like anything really! But when she comes to ours either DH cooks her something for herself or she brings her own food, since I refuse to cook 2 different meals. Since she sat down for a meal I cooked, pulled all the carrots out and sat there pulling her face 😁

I have a 4yo and 11 month old and they make less of a fuss!!

This.
I might add ‘I thought the choice of chicken and chips, wrap, burger would suit? Anyway, let me know and I’ll cancel once you have found somewhere you like the sound of’.

Why cut off your nose to spite your face by not attending the event?

You can only do the ‘this is where I booked , like it or lump it’ approach if your DH and MIL stand firm and agree. Because otherwise, as serial
panderers, they will just go elsewhere with SIL anyway.

In future just decline the request to
make the booking. Tell the ILs they know what they like so best if they do it.

Make sure you let everyone else know she is organising now. To avoid any 'misunderstanding'.

No but it would rather seem you are with me! 😂. Sorry to disappoint though 💐

Does the SIL have a partner? Children? How old is she?

she say at your table pulling faces when you had cooked for her? Please tell me someone, someone, hopefully your DH, said that it was rude and ungrateful and that your food was delicious?

Never mind, I'll try again later

Now why would you want to do that on a lovely Sunday Friday afternoon with the weekend ahead of us?!