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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD is upset about childcare

67 replies

Fifops · 22/02/2023 22:41

Hi,
AIBU This half term I’ve had a few days annual leave but back to work for two days. I have booked my DD (11) and DS (9) on to a multi sport kids club between 9am-3pm whilst I am at work. My DS is looking forward to it but my DD is so annoyed with me, saying she doesn’t want to go and she will hate it, full attitude and disbelief. I normally wing childcare with friends and family but have come up short this half term. It’s for her age group and she is very active. My only other option was to send them to a holiday club at a nursery! It’s two days and I believe she shouldn’t be left at home all day when she is in primary school. I think she will
have a good time…..help!

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 22/02/2023 22:42

Totally normal and she will like it when she is there and if she doesn’t then you can deal with that.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/02/2023 22:43

This is one of the situations where "tough titty" is the only response.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/02/2023 22:44

It is what it is, she isn't old enough to be left for long periods at home alone.

Like it or Lump it she needs to go.

I'm sure she will probably enjoy it anyway, if not there's not much you can do about it.

Danneigh · 22/02/2023 22:46

Shes in high school in Sept? I'd leave her home alone whilst checking in on her throughout the day. I wouldn't book a sports thing without checking she wanted to. (I'll prob get flamed but whatevs).

FrenchBoule · 22/02/2023 22:47

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/02/2023 22:43

This is one of the situations where "tough titty" is the only response.

This.

Sorry,no other options available.

Sometimes kids need to be told “that’s what’s happening”

ComfortablyDazed · 22/02/2023 22:47

You have to go a combo of ‘low drama’ and ‘fait accompli‘.

Don’t argue with her. Don’t try to persuade her that it will be fun. Don’t get in a back-and-forth.

It’s a done deal, you’re not engaging on it any further, and she’ll be going there over them school hols, and that’s that.

Original poster
Fifops · 22/02/2023 22:48

I am unable to check on her or get anyone else to do so unfortunately. I did actually mention I was looking at booking the multisports and she was ok with it at the time a few weeks ago.

OP posts:
angelikacpickles · 22/02/2023 22:48

I think 11 is too young to be at home alone all day so I'd be telling her she has no choice too. My DD is also 11 and will have to do some camps during the summer.

AvoNw · 22/02/2023 22:50

I can sympathise as I had to go to a holiday club as a child that I didn’t want to go to. It sucked but wasn’t any choice though and it didn’t hurt me to go. (It helped me to know there wasn’t a choice as my DM had to work so I just had to get on with it, if that helps.)

Maybe tell her she can pick a fun dinner for after so she has something to look forward to.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 22/02/2023 22:51

Sounds like you had no choice, OP. Therefore, she needs to accept the fact that she has no choice either. You need to go to work. There are no other safe options available.

Valentina12 · 22/02/2023 22:53

ah my nine year old whinges and moans about holiday club every single time.

loves it when she’s there and whinges and moans when I come to pick her up: “I’m not ready to come home yet!”

We all have to do stuff we don’t want to do at some point. It’s a good lesson.

Ponderingwindow · 22/02/2023 22:54

i wouldn’t want to leave her alone either. It’s still an age where you want reliable care for a full work day.

I always managed to find something Dc was interested in though, even if it was inconveniently located.

GustingInTheWindow · 22/02/2023 22:57

My only option when mine were that age was church holiday club. They moaned plenty it but I had rent to pay and they survived.

shiningstar2 · 22/02/2023 22:57

She is fortunate that it's only two days of the half term not the whole week. Hope she enjoyed some time with you on the other days. I think primary age children are too young to be left all day. They do mature quite quickly once they are in the High school so it won't be too long before she doesn't have to attend these clubs. You will then probably encounter another problem when your DS decides he doesn't want to go without her...'it's not fair' ext. 😁 But it is what it is. You have no choice at the moment .. and neither does she.

Lavender14 · 22/02/2023 22:58

I'd probably have spoken to her about it first to get her on board but I agree it's much better than being home alone

ACynicalDad · 22/02/2023 22:59

I might tell her to find an alternative, if not she's going.

latetothefisting · 22/02/2023 23:03

Can you tell her that she has to go to it this time but how she deals with it will impact what you do in the future? if she accepts it and goes with a good attitude it will make you more confident that she might be able to be left alone in the future, if she's whiny and sulky then she's clearly far too immature to even think about it. At least then she feels like she has a bit of a stake in it.

Or say you want her to go to have someone to be around for her younger brother just in case anything happens and you trust her because she's so sensible.

Or give her the choice between doing that or something she will hate even more e.g. going to the nursery club with much younger kids. Basically it's not up for negotiation but try and reframe it so she at least feels listened to!

Get her to plan something fun for one of the days you are off?

StarDolphins · 22/02/2023 23:10

I’m quite a soft parent but even I’m in the ‘tough titty’ camp on this.

My DD doesn’t want to go to hol club but I have no help at all so I give up all my days hol to cover childcare but there’s still 3 days per week in the holidays that she has to go.

I just tell her that off Mummy doesn’t work, we don’t get to do nice things. And that there’s some things I don’t want to do but I have to.

HeddaGarbled · 22/02/2023 23:11

You can insist she has to go whilst still being sympathetic. Insisting she’ll enjoy it is probably counterproductive: I’d go with “yeah, sorry, but there weren’t any other options. I’ll make it up to you on the other days”.

ComfortablyDazed · 22/02/2023 23:12

We all have to do things we don’t particularly want to do sometimes. I’m at work right now, and I’d rather not be. 🤷🏻‍♀️

She’s not being sent up a chimney / down a coal mine / into a war zone / or anywhere even vaguely unsafe / dangerous / traumatic.

She’s being sent somewhere she’ll probably have an OK time.

This is one of the ways children (who grow into adults) build resilience.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/02/2023 23:14

There's a teeny bit of me that enjoys saying to my tween dd "well, darling, when you are fully grown, and decide to have kids, I'm sure you will make better decisions than me. You can show me how it should be done. Til then, it's got to be this way"

Original poster
Fifops · 22/02/2023 23:14

Thanks 😊 we have done some nice things together whilst I’ve been off. She’s just being sulky, and sometimes you can do without it!
we have talked about it, looked at other options and there are none. I’m certain you will be fine and probably enjoy it.

OP posts:
ItsShiela · 22/02/2023 23:18

Isn't she able to spend a whole day at a friend's house that has a parent home?

Summerfun54321 · 22/02/2023 23:56

We always had to do stuff like this growing up. I always grumbled but I'm very confident going into new environments, meeting new people and trying new things as a result. It's character building and way better for her than just loitering round a friends house all day.

JudgeRudy · 23/02/2023 00:04

@Danneigh
I'm in agreement with you. I think an 11 year old should have a bit more autonomy. I would have absolutely hated my mum to book me in for anything without discussing it with me first. Maybe she could suggest a friend she could visit for the day (or a good part of it) or maybe she could be trusted to be left at home for the day.
I'm remembering how I would have felt at that age but also how my daughter might have felt at that age too.

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