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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move 60yo mum into a retirement home

68 replies

Brie86 · 22/02/2023 22:12

My 60yo mum can't cope with living alone. She's had mental health issues all her life, agoraphobia, anxiety and depression. She often calls me at 2/3am in the mornings in a panic saying that she's frightened and scared and wants me to go round. She's not eating or washing properly, not sleeping, and can't leave the house because she's too scared to (she's gone through spells like this for most of my life, even when she had my dad). I feel like she needs to go into some sort of sheltered housing, even though she's only 60. Aibu? I don't really know what the options are.

I live 2.5 hours away from her in a rented houseshare so she can't move in me. Brother and his wife live in a 1 bedroom flat with a 3mo baby, she can't move in with them. Neither of us can move in with her because we won't be able to get to work.

OP posts:
WeepingSomnambulist · 22/02/2023 22:16

You can call adult social services and get advice from them, and some help on maybe getting her into suitable housing.

Coxie2006 · 22/02/2023 22:18

Request a care needs assessment through the Adult Social Care Dept where your mum lives. They will assess if she's at risk living on her & what she is eligible for.

VictoriaBun · 22/02/2023 22:20

A care home can cost sub a grand a week and baring in mind 60 is still relatively young that will cost a huge amount over the years , can you afford that as I doubt she would actually qualify for elderly care paid by her local council.

ChristinaXYZ · 22/02/2023 22:21

If she is only 60 talking to her GP about her mental health would be my first thought. She needs help and with medical care some of these things might improve.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/02/2023 22:22

VictoriaBun · 22/02/2023 22:20

A care home can cost sub a grand a week and baring in mind 60 is still relatively young that will cost a huge amount over the years , can you afford that as I doubt she would actually qualify for elderly care paid by her local council.

The OP isn't just wanting to move her for shits and giggles. Sounds like this woman actually needs some sort of supported living.

Timesawastin · 22/02/2023 22:30

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/02/2023 22:22

The OP isn't just wanting to move her for shits and giggles. Sounds like this woman actually needs some sort of supported living.

Show quote history

Also there are huge variations in what constitutes supported living. You can rent or buy warden supported flats with no personal care at all.

That said, she needs to agree, you can't just 'move her in "

lljkk · 22/02/2023 22:35

You would be justified to ring social services in county where she lives & describe how isolated she is.

I'm a cow so my phone would be turned off at night.

VivaVivaa · 22/02/2023 22:35

If she has capacity, then it’ll be her decision to make, not yours. What does she want to do?

Pleatherandlace · 22/02/2023 22:38

If she can self fund she can live wherever she likes at 60. However, adult social care are highly unlikely to fund a residential home placement given what you have described. They would always fund a package of care first if it is felt that she is seriously neglecting herself. Just bear in mind that people are within their rights not to wash themselves or clean their houses if that is what they choose. Your mum would have to be deemed incapable of doing these things for herself, rather than choosing not to do them before she would be considered for care.

Bryonny84 · 22/02/2023 22:38

I work in a development that is a sort of assisted living. Everyone has their own individual flats but there's a manager during office hours and a call system in each flat that operates out of office hours. There are organised events, coffee mornings and the like and all the residents get to know each other. The flats are rented but many are on benefits and get their rent paid. New tenants are helped to settle in. They are usually housing association type properties. Might be worth looking into? Our development has people in their 50's and people in their 90's so your mum would be the right age.

PritiPatelsMaker · 22/02/2023 22:39

It does sound as though she's not coping where she is now and needs some more support. Agree with others though, if she has capacity, she has to agree to move into a home.

Definitely alert her local SS and request a Care Needs Assessment but try to be there when they do it.

maddy68 · 22/02/2023 22:42

She's very young to go to a retirement home. It will also cost a fortune.

Involve social services instead

JennyDarlingRIP · 22/02/2023 22:45

I agree with pp an over 55s accommodation/retirement accomodation might suit. She didn't sound as though she had full time care needs, and care homes are exceptionally expensive, semi supported living would give her the comfort of a site manager etc, a communal area for socialising and she's is likely to build friendships which can be reassuring rather than being alone. My gran moved into one after her husband died and had a whale of a time for a decade or so. She was around 70 but there were older and plenty younger there. She made a new best friend and they'd go off on the bus together, shopping, into London etc. Once a month they'd go for McDonald's which they thought was quite decadent, as both were very much of the MN cook healthy food always from scratch, school of thought.
It might be the making of her OP

saraclara · 22/02/2023 22:46

Yes, you need to talk to adult social care in her local authority. A care home is unlikely to be the answer at 60, but sheltered housing might be available.

My mum is in a council extra care facility. Its a flat in a block that accommodates people of all ages with a range of needs, and downstairs there is a care office. She has carers coming in a few times a day, but otherwise she gets to have her own space.
Some flats in the block are purchased, some rented, and some paid for in full by the council. My mum was self funding until her money started running out, so the council has taken over.

greenspaces4peace · 22/02/2023 22:48

call adult ss and get the process started find out what services are available and the details.
sounds like she would be a good fit for assisted living.

Pleatherandlace · 22/02/2023 22:49

I have a lot of sympathy for both you and your mum. Her life sounds pretty difficult. I agree that a sheltered accommodation flat, maybe closer to either you or a sibling could be an option. Perhaps she would feel less isolated?

OhNoNotThatAgain · 22/02/2023 22:54

VictoriaBun · 22/02/2023 22:20

A care home can cost sub a grand a week and baring in mind 60 is still relatively young that will cost a huge amount over the years , can you afford that as I doubt she would actually qualify for elderly care paid by her local council.

Relatives are not expected to pay anything towards residential care if it is deemed that the person needs it.

If the person has assets below a certain figure, then the state pays. If their assets are higher, then they fund it themselves until they reach the threshold.

dodobookends · 22/02/2023 22:56

MIL's friend moved into a block of flats which had communal areas and staff on duty to help out if needed. Perhaps something like that would be worth considering.

Silvergone · 22/02/2023 22:58

If she can buy a home in a retirement village where eg she has a room or bungalow in hotel style living but the community is very independent unlike a care home, that might suit.

BlueberryBuffin · 22/02/2023 22:58

This may be a completely inappropriate suggestion but could she get a carefully chosen lodger to live with her?
To provide her with company and a very small amount of care and a lodger who was of robust temperament to pay a very small rent?

Original poster
Brie86 · 22/02/2023 23:00

ChristinaXYZ · 22/02/2023 22:21

If she is only 60 talking to her GP about her mental health would be my first thought. She needs help and with medical care some of these things might improve.

She practically lives at her GPs. She's taken all sorts of the years, had CBT, all sorts of other therapy. We've paid for her to see private psychotherapists and psychiatrists. None of it has made much of a difference.

OP posts:
Stopsnowing · 22/02/2023 23:03

No experience but maybe something like this:

www.sharemyhome.co.uk

although you would need to be clear about the issues

Wingedharpy · 22/02/2023 23:04

What's happened recently to make her start phoning you in the middle of the night?

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 23:09

Brie86 · 22/02/2023 23:00

She practically lives at her GPs. She's taken all sorts of the years, had CBT, all sorts of other therapy. We've paid for her to see private psychotherapists and psychiatrists. None of it has made much of a difference.

Show quote history

Is there a supported living facility she could go in to or a fold? My aunt moved in to one when she was living alone, she loved it. Loads of company and secure but her own manageable home and a bit of garden too. She’d had a tough few years before that and she really found great companionship there but still had her independence

Original poster
Brie86 · 22/02/2023 23:16

Wingedharpy · 22/02/2023 23:04

What's happened recently to make her start phoning you in the middle of the night?

It's been going on for a while. Over the past few years she's lost both her parents and my dad left her. So she's at rock bottom really.

OP posts:
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