To move 60yo mum into a retirement home

[Brie86]

My 60yo mum can't cope with living alone. She's had mental health issues all her life, agoraphobia, anxiety and depression. She often calls me at 2/3am in the mornings in a panic saying that she's frightened and scared and wants me to go round. She's not eating or washing properly, not sleeping, and can't leave the house because she's too scared to (she's gone through spells like this for most of my life, even when she had my dad). I feel like she needs to go into some sort of sheltered housing, even though she's only 60. Aibu? I don't really know what the options are.

I live 2.5 hours away from her in a rented houseshare so she can't move in me. Brother and his wife live in a 1 bedroom flat with a 3mo baby, she can't move in with them. Neither of us can move in with her because we won't be able to get to work.

Unfortunately suggesting to 'get mental health support' for her is futile. There is none available in her area. It's either get sectioned or get on with it.

Has she had a social care assessment OP?
have you had a carers assessment?

My Dad was terminally ill, so he made an appointment to see Mum's GP and poured it out to her. Separately, I had already sent a letter to her expressing pretty much the same thing, and then saw her at a later date.

Gots lots of very usual information and contacts. DM now lives the remainder of her time in a private hospital.

I don’t think a retirement home would be able to meet her needs. She isn’t moving in for age related reasons, but for mental health issues that they may not be equipped to handle. Hopefully some of the other suggestions pp have made will be more useful approaches.

Catholic assisted living has a strong pastoral element and is usually high quality, you wouldn’t have to worry about your mum being neglected or abused.

www.holycrosspriory.co.uk/catholic-retirement-apartments.php

What does she actually want?
I agree with another poster, I’d switch my phone off at night.

she and you are not alone in that being the case. im so sorry the mental health care is so fucking atrocious for adults especially right now.
is there anything she has one that has helped.
has she tried all the usual.mediation,mindfull stuff.
would she find it more comfortable to be supported via the web or from home?
is there a buddy system in the area
is there charities in the area you could look into.sometimes you have to deep dive and find some really quite excelent pockets doing great work. if you start from places like night cafes or mental health hubs anywhere. does the doctors no of anything? it might direct you to places or people tht can help.
what do you thikn would help her.
does she want help is actually the key things here. what is she feelings
all weve heard on this is how you feeling about this. which is key to your posting yes.but what is she going through right now.

people are giving a lot of incorrect information on this thread. There is no such thing as a “retirement home”. There are nursing homes or residential homes for those who do
not
require care with a nursing element. Your mum is 60 so a residential home will take her if she can self fund. Adult social care are very unlikely to find a place for her though as her basic needs can probably be taken care of in her current home. I think posters are very optimistic about what social care can provide for someone with your mums issues unfortunately.

Is she in rented or does she own at the moment? Friends of ours sold their house recently and moved into sheltered accommodation recently. They are early sixties. I would imagine something like the place they have gone to would fit the bill

Have they bought or rented? Selling up to rent in later life seems like a great option to me if its affordable. No maintenance, no garden to worry about, no need for benefits, but enough money not to worry about heating or eating.

Some sort of sheltered accommodation might help your mother but a lot depends on what wants, she is only sixty after all. A 'retirement home' seems a bit extreme but somewhere comfortable, her own private flat in a small block but with a bell or buzzer to call for help if needed could well suit her. Have a look on Rightmove for over sixties accommodation (as opposed to 'retirement'), you'd be surprised what is available.

I would echo what other people have said about capacity, there is nothing to suggest that her capacity is impaired so she would have to agree to any intervention, including a social care assessment. Also money is a key element to consider as it is extremely doubtful that she would meet the threshold for any social care provision. Unfortunately you are not describing severe mental illness but poor coping skills and anxiety which will be difficult to alter if it's lifelong. You could try some sort of agreement with her that you will ring her at 10pm at night to check in but after that you would not respond unless she was requiring an ambulance for an emergency. I work in mental health and come across relatives who are having 20 calls a night at times.

I think I've read all your updates OP, but I can't see what property she has at the moment. Is it possible she could sell her home and buy a flat in warden-assisted accommodation? It's clearly not viable to keep phoning you (esp. as you are 2-3 hours away) and obviously you're working and need your sleep. I think supported living might be a good way for her to get help - they may even get more appropriate care for her as a 3rd party can often get them to do stuff family can't.

I moved into what people here are calling "sheltered housing" as soon as I turned 55 as the rent (it's a non-profit company) was cheaper than I was already paying. The flat is modern and beautiful whereas my last one was a bit crap.

I still work full-time (not WFH) and have the same busy social life I've always had so they can be thought of - for some people - as normal private rentals. Some people here are older obviously and need to buy in care as it isn't a "care" place.

Sorry to digress but I wanted to point out that it's not always "end of life"-type accommodation

Unfortunately suggesting to 'get mental health support' for her is futile. There is none available in her area.

@Brie86 There will be OP. I know this from over 20 years in the system. Help is prioritized based on the level of need for it they think the person has.

You 'just' have to keep pushing for it until they take it seriously.

A (much older) friend of mine recently moved into an over 55s complex after being fiercely independent all her life.

She's lovely the security of living in a managed complex with warden on hand though.

She did it by choice so as not to be a worry to her children as she's becoming more frail, but it sounds like the arrangement may suit your mum?

Is she under the care of her GP for her MH problems? Does she have medication to manage her anxiety? Does she have therapy? Or does she manage by dumping it all in your lap?

I agree you need to contact adult social services, and impress on them the fact that she's not washing or coping with her MH issues.

I'd be tempted to turn my phone off at night too, like a PP.

What does your mother think she should do? Why is she phoning you in the middle of the night when you live hours away? She should be on medication if her anxiety is this bad, there are many different ones to try.